Sexually Active Teens - Page 8

[trinity6232000]

SparrowMom, thanks for sharing your post.

[mama_daba]

i don't have any kids yet but when i do and when they are teens . . .

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
yes definitly, it is what my partner and i use now and what we will probably always use so we will keep them where the teens can find them and make sure they know where they are and that they are welcome to take them

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
yes as long as i feel comfortable with the individual, i would rather they sleep together make love in a safe home than in a car or someplace else

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
give them privacy, of course iw ould give them privacy, i will treat them with the same respect i want to be treated with

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
i will be very open and communicate about sex

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
i will respect them and hope they make good healthy choices in life and use protection when they are sexualy active

if i have girls i will talk to them about the importance of condoms and stds, as well as if i have a son, birth control pills and hormones are kinda scary to me, if she wants more protection than condoms iw ill take her to see a doctor and advice her to use a barrier method, but i will encurage her to also use condoms

[mama_daba]

p.s.
i will strongly encurage my kids to practice safe sex by not needing to use a condom with mutual masterbationa nd stuff like that, and i will make sure they understand that condoms can protect them from some stuff tehre is a lot of stuff it won't protect them from, and that the only way to be safe is to not do a lot of sex stuff, but i will let them know that two people can still have sex and do it safely without risk of pregnancy or std's

[MajaKatrina]

Originally Posted by Coffee Mom

Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I have 2 daughters 14 and 16, and my friend has a 15 yo son, all of our kids are active unfortunately, and her and i have way differing views on how we are dealing with this. Would love to hear some comments, I'll share mine later. Hugs Jan

Wow, my daughter is 12, and these questions want to make me run away and hide my head, lol

until she is 18 i will strong suggest not having intercourse at all, no acceptions-

that being said, i fooled around as a teen between like 16-18 and am not sure what my mom knew and didnt...although she offered to take me to the dr to get on the pill when i left for college...
this post has me thinking that is for sure...

Catherine

[nonconformnmom]

My now almost-18 year old daughter approached me at age 16 and calmly, matter-of-factly, asked me for birth control. Stifling my motherly protective instincts that screamed NO!, I calmly, rationally discussed it with her. I told her that I do not agree with it, but I respect her right to decide for herself and I commended her maturity in talking to me about it. I took her to our family physician and we got the patch for her (the doctor and I both discussed at length the fact that the patch does not protect from STDs and that they still need to use a condom etc.). She had been in a monogamous (at least on her side) relationship with her boyfriend for 3 years; in fact, they are still together more than a year later.


1. Pay for their condoms or bc? I told her I would pay for the first 3 months and then she and her boyfriend would have to share the cost and pay for it themselves. I stressed to her that she needs to get her boyfriend to help pay; it's not fair for him to expect her to bear the entire financial brunt of their birth control.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No, I would never allow it but I know they do when I am not there. I also know that her boyfriends' parents allow it at their house and in fact, encourage it.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Privacy. I don't want to know! LALALALALALALALALA

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? We talk about it a lot. We have very open communication for which I do not take credit but I am ever so grateful.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I accept but do not like, which is exactly what I told her. I told her that I knew I would never be able to stop them from doing it, so I am glad they are both taking the mature approach and being upfront with us about it.

[SparrowMom]

Howdy Moms,

I do believe it must make a very large difference in your approach when there are younger children in the home. I very much respect all of the Moms who feel that they must prohibit overnights or obvious signs of lovemaking by older sibs when they could be influencing the decisions of or compromising the childhood innocence of younger sibs. That is a tough decision and one that must be measured carefully. Even though we can come to accept sex as a normal expression of our older adolencent children's deep feelings for another person (and I have to a degree), younger members of our family (and society really) should have the benefit of protection from growing up too soon. There will be no revolving "beds" in my home.... ever. Still, I have learned to bend in some ways and grow as a person about what is acceptable because of the dear hearts involved. I'm still learning and sore from all the bending.....

In my situation, I have a college age girl and an 18 year old recent high school graduate who is the one in the serious relationship. I do not have young children in the home. How difficult the balancing act can be in that situation and I hope those parents can find a comfort zone. That makes parenting the tough job it is, however rewarding......

[orangefoot]

Ladies, you blow me away.

So many of you share such respectful relationships with your children. They will look back on this time positively and pass this goodness that you have shared on to their own families.

What sparrowmum describes is how I felt my relationship with my husband evolving. I shared it with my parents and they knew that he was very special to me. However, this happened when I was 26 and already had 2 children from my first marriage.

I didn't consider myself to be immature in any way when I was 18, and I wasn't a virgin when I met my first husband, but I think I went down a path which I felt I couldn't turn back on and we ended up with a child, then married beofre I was 20. I chose badly, and things turned out badly too. I don't blame my parents, we had what I thought were open discussions about relationships and my mum was concerned about the possibility of pregnancy and disease. In fact he was the first person I had slept with without a condom. What happened there? I do not know.

My son talks to me about me being a young parent and he says he is proud of what I have a chieved, but he doesn't want that for himslef. I don't want my children to 'learn from my mistakes', but I do want them to know that I will be there in happiness or sadness, which can both come from sexual relationships.

You have all given me hope for the future and ideas for ways of approaching new phases of my relationship with each of my children. Thank you for your wisdom.

[Mountaingirl3]

I wanted to post my experience because it greatly influences what we do with our daughters.

My parents expected me to save sex for marriage. "Premarital sex is wrong" and that was the end of our communication about sex.

I did wait until 17. I got HPV from the first guy (who said he was a virgin). It gave me severe dysplasia--probably because I was in college, not eating well or taking care of myself. I had a cone biopsy and they took out enough of my cervix to make it incompetent (can't hold the weight of pregnancy).

In order to carry my dd's to term, I had to have an internal cerclage (gortex band around the neck of the uterus) placed through abdominal surgery. I've also had to have three c-sections--no vaginal exit. It's a lot to give up vaginal birth . . .

As a result of this, I can't view teenaged sex as just for fun. There are risks of diseases without cures, despite the condom. It's best if you are mature enough to comprehend the possible long-term effects of things like genital herpes, HPV, and abortion. IMO, a 14 year old can not fully grasp the consequences. Therefore, it would be a parent's responsibility to help protect her while her brain developes better abstract thinking and impulse control.

So, we will talk with our dds about sex from toddlerhood right on up. We'll emphasize that it's a big and complex decision that can't be reversed--when in doubt, WAIT. I think kids tend to, even unconsciously, try to meet parental expectations, so we'll let them know that we expect them to be open with us when they're considering having sex. That way, we can help them evaluate how ready they are. We'll talk to them about human nature and how people tend to lie when it comes to sex/STDs. We'll expect them to go with prospective partners to be tested at an STD clinic before having sex, and would help them do this if they wanted help.

Also, we plan to encourage them to fill their lives with fun and adventure. Sports, drama, dance, music, animals, travel, whatever their passion is. We hope they love all the outdoor activities we do--backpacking, camping, sailing, rock-climbing, skiing--and they'll have all kinds of opportunities for these. I truly believe that a 13-16 year old should have enough new and exciting things to do without needing to try sex. If they do feel the need, I hope they'll let us know so that we can remind them how to be as safe as possible. As for oral sex, I think that's a good alternative with a partner who's been tested for herpes, AIDS etc.

Our hope is that they wait until about 17. Then, I feel that their choices will be well informed, and they'll be ready to deal wisely with whatever sex brings with it.

[Mountaingirl3]

Just read trinity's post. Opps! Hadn't occurred to me that oral sex might not be reciprocal. Good point--I hope my dds wouldn't be with such a self-centered guy, but might as well talk to them about the possibility!

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl3

I truly believe that a 13-16 year old should have enough new and exciting things to do without needing to try sex.

This is my thought as well. I might sound like a total prude for this
(and believe me I am far FAR from) but in my heart I feel a young
woman 13-16 who is having sex needs a hobby instead. I am not
condemning any of the Mama's who's daughters have decided to have
sex before 16. I just think it's kinda sad. I still think of girls that
age as just that, girls.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl3

Just read trinity's post. Opps! Hadn't occurred to me that oral sex might not be reciprocal. Good point--I hope my dds wouldn't be with such a self-centered guy, but might as well talk to them about the possibility!

Talk to a teen age girl. Ask her how many times a boy has asked
for oral sex. Then ask her how many times boys have offered to
give her oral sex. THEN ask her if she feels comfortable asking for
oral sex. You will get some eye opening answers.
I don't even think that some of the boys are "self-centered". I really
think that the thought of going down on a girl doesn't enter their mind.
I also think girls aren't brave enough to ask. It's a odd concept to me
that oral sex is joked and talked about so much with young people.
It's as normal as a good night kiss to many, but they are only talking
about boys receiving. Which shows their maturity level. If it's not
mutual enjoyment between two people, then they are too young
to be enjoying anything.

[SparrowMom]

I agree that children should be children as long as possible. It is so difficult to fight the culture of casual sex... and we all live in fear of an experience for our children like the betrayed mom with HPV. My heart goes out to her, she sounds like such a great mom. I'm glad she is using her experience in such a positive way and I appreciate the sharing. I'm afraid sometimes that kids don't realize that they need a lot of time to figure out if a new bf or gf is honest in general so sex must wait until then. How sad the consequences are so devastating. I'm too old to even understand encouraging oral sex...I mean that, I'm an older mom and whew... The friends with benefits, casual stuff hurts my heart and has me scared to death for those kids. THAT kind of sex is truly difficult to picture our kids involved in...and it does happen with all kinds of kids.

Perhaps I would have to admit that having my daughter in a STD safe, monogamous relationship with a truly loving partner is less "accepted" by me as what I would want her to do but is more a point of relief that, if she is going to be sexually active, she is with this boy who truly is a fine, decent person. They talk marriage, they talk future, their relationship is not based on sex but who really knows what the future holds when you are so young. For now, they truly belong to each other and that is what I focus on I guess. My daughter is as safe as a sexually active human being can be in this world today.

As for activities for the younger teens that mom suggested, I say my goodness, what a great bonding experience.... hang the prevent sex aspect.... the positives of that will last a lifetime. Can I come, too? Seriously,however, this would provide prevention of opportunity especially for younger teens but I hope that moms realize that there may come a time when a child believes they are truly in love and will make that step without using parents as a resource. Hopefully all those good words we have been whispering in their ears for years can have an impact. My daughter was a classical musician in two orchestras, two chamber groups, played in shows, went to a performing arts high school where she was an honor student.... she was busy and not "looking for love" .... it found her. Where there is a will, there is a way and, in all honesty, wouldn't we want our dd or ds to experience a truly loving relationship rather than casual sex..... if our most treasured choice "abstinence" for them (was it that way for us? ) is not going to happen? I do appreciate that my dd's "first time" was in a shared loving experience which continues to grow to this day. I have asked her, if they were to break up, would there be regret about not waiting. Her emphatic answer was NO!, she said she has learned so much about being in a relationship, loving someone, compromising, how to be a better person, and lastly making love from being with him that she would not trade that experience for anything. We will see, but for now, I consider myself lucky that this is what I have to deal with.

Like it says in Fiddler on the Roof, "but look at my daughter's eyes, she loves him...." tradition!!!