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Sexually Active Teens - Page 3

post #41 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom
Yes, if my 14 y.o. child was having sex with an 18 y.o., I'd do everything I could to put a stop to it. That 18 y.o. is taking advantage of my 14 y.o. and I'd wonder why he or she can't find somebody his/her own age.
In many, if not all, states this is considered statutory rape so there would probably be a lot you could do about it. I would also be very concerned about an 18yo with a 14yo. I believe there is generally a huge difference in maturity level between these ages. From my own personal experience, I believe there is enogh of a difference in maturity level between a 16yo and a 14yo that I would not want my 14yo sexually involved with a 16yo.
post #42 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife
I had sex at a very young age. My mother paid for my bcp and she let me have sex with my boyfriends in my bedroom. She gave me complete privacy. She never asked me anything about what I was doing, where I was or who I was with. I wish she hadn't done that. I wish she had taken the time and had the nerve or whatever it was to talk to me about it. I wish she had told me she loved me and that I was a worthwhile human being and didn't need to have sex to get people to like me. I may have still had sex but at least it would've been with different people and for better reasons.
I see this as one of the scarier things to navigate with my child as he grows older. As a teenager, I felt like my mom would condemn me for wanting to fool around, and that I couldn't talk with her about things. She definitely invaded my privacy and embarassed me. But I knew a lot of people who had an experience more like the one that MarineWife describes. How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?

I just don't know.

I guess I would want to make sure there was a lot of information about contraception and sexuality in general around my house, and I would not feel comfortable with my child engaging in sexual behavior where I had to know about it when they were underage. If you give the child an allowance then they can use that toward contraceptives, so yes I would pay for it. That's a big contradiction, isn't it. Good thing I have a lot of time to figure this out!
post #43 of 152
Depending on the states laws a 14 year old and 18 year old might still be protected under "Romeo and Julet" laws.

I could not say absolutely NO to this age difference. I would have to take age differences case by case. I recently ran into highschool class mates that were 4 years apart. The met in band in the drum line they have been together for around 15 years.

I am not ready to set absolutes on things like this because of so many variables. My son is 3.5 years older than his sister. This could mean one of his "long term" friends could want to date his my oldest daughter.

Some 14 year old girls are so much more mature than their counter parts. If you have a developmentally "slower" boy a 14 year old girl and 16 year old boy might be a compatable relationship.
post #44 of 152

teen sex

I am 23 and a mother of a 7 year old. I was 16 when i had my daughter. I will give you a little inside information. If a kid is going to have sex they are going to have sex. There is nothing my parents could have said to stop me. For me my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me but for most kids my age it would just be trouble. My suggestion would be talk to your kids if they are thinking about having sex give them every oppertunity to protect them selves. I know this is a very touchy subject for most but if they are going to do it make it safe for them. You want your kids to wear a seatbelt when in the car. Why not condems and birth contol when they are having sex.
post #45 of 152
When I was 16 I began a long term relationship with a 22 year old. I don't regret any of it.

As for this question : How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?


It starts with letting them have their own voice. In listening to them, taking what they say seriously, long before they become teens. With my own dd that is what I've done. Now, she tells me that she doesn't feel ready to drive a car at 16 and doesn't just go along with her friends. She is able to stand up for herself and to voice her opinion about things. You can't control everything about your childs life and then toss them out on their own at 18 and expect them to be prepared. They have to know who they are, seperate from family. We don't agree about everything, but she sure as heck knows who she is and doesn't compromise herself for the sake of others. Empowerment is extremely important IMO.
post #46 of 152
I agree with everything Arduinna, Marsupialmom, and UnschoolnMa have said.

Regarding age, personally, I've always had to be with guys a least a few years older to match my maturity level. Including when I was a teen. You cannot look at age alone.

Ahimsa
post #47 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna
When I was 16 I began a long term relationship with a 22 year old. I don't regret any of it.

As for this question : How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?


It starts with letting them have their own voice. In listening to them, taking what they say seriously, long before they become teens. With my own dd that is what I've done. Now, she tells me that she doesn't feel ready to drive a car at 16 and doesn't just go along with her friends. She is able to stand up for herself and to voice her opinion about things. You can't control everything about your childs life and then toss them out on their own at 18 and expect them to be prepared. They have to know who they are, seperate from family. We don't agree about everything, but she sure as heck knows who she is and doesn't compromise herself for the sake of others. Empowerment is extremely important IMO.

Arduinna, you are an awesome Mama! I can only hope that I am half as good with my kids with this kind of stuff as you are.

About the age thing..... I was 15 and my boyfriend was 22 when I first had sex. Because of my experience I don't think I could allow my kids to date someone that much older then them unless they were very mature themselves. But that's putting my experiences on them and that's not good is it? So, Arduinna, how do you handle this? Would you tell them of your experiences, but let it be their choice or what? I can tell you've done such a great job with your daughter that I trust your advise so please advise.
post #48 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain optimism
How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?

I guess I would want to make sure there was a lot of information about contraception and sexuality in general around my house,
Based on my personal experience, I think you need to have open communication not just about the physical act of sex, contraception and STDs but you also need to talk about the emotional and psychological aspects of relationships. I had plenty of information about my body, male bodies, sex and reproduction. What I did not get was discussion and guidance about feelings and self-worth and other people's intentions.
post #49 of 152
Thanks AnnMarie, my dd currently isn't dating. She has a very mixed age group of friends (she is homeschooled) and she just isn't interested in any of them in that way, yet. So I haven't had to deal with it at this point. I don't have a problem discussing my past with her. Living together and sex before marriage are not things that she has been sheltered from. My mom (her grandma) lived with her husband for almost 20 years before they got married, and she knows that I wasn't married when I had her by choice and my sister also has had more than one live in lover.

How would I handle an age difference? I don't know for sure, since I haven't been there. My biggest concern and the thing that I stress with her, is not doing anything you don't want to do.
post #50 of 152
I have another question. For those of you who have said you would allow your teen to have sex in your home, would you require the knowledge and consent of the other child's parents? Oh, I forgot to add, why or why not?
post #51 of 152
No I probably wouldn't require the other parents consent.
post #52 of 152
What a great thread.

Nope, I don't think I would get consent from the other teens parent either. They are not my child, and I guess I kind of see that sort of thing as between the other teen and their parent... not me. I have trouble picturing how that would even work. In short, I feel what kind of communication the other teen does or doesn't have with their parent isn't my business. My focus would be on things being open and healthy with my teen so that they can make decisions they feel good about.
post #53 of 152
I wouldn't ask for the other parent's consent either. Like unschoolnma said, that's between the teen and his/her parent. Personally, I think the only consent that matters is from the parties having sex.

But that raises another question. If you *know* that the other teen's parent does not want them to have sex, what do you do about it at your house? I wouldn't want to be in the position of playing policeman--I think I'd have to let the other parent know that. And of course, my teen is sometimes home alone, so how in the world could you enforce that even if you wanted to?

As to age differences, my first experience was at 16 with a 21 yr old. I was in love. It hurt when we broke up, but that would have been true regardless of our ages. My parents were violently against this relationship--they explained the age difference was too great, that I was too young, that they'd expected me to wait until I was married. They put all kinds of restrictions on me, thinking they'd know my every move, but the more restrictions they put on me, the more clever I became at overcoming them. I never had sex in my parents' house--we used a friend's apartment, a car, the park, the woods. My relationship with my parents during this time (years!) was absolutely horrid. We NEVER spoke about relationships--the emotional aspects--it was all about forbidding sex and controlling my actions. I knew this wasn't right at the time, and I still know it. I want my kids to know that they have control over their own bodies and only they get to decide when to have sex. I doesn't matter to me if they're married or not or in a long-standing relationship or not. I don't care if their relationships are heterosexual or homosexual. What matters is that THEY feel it's right at that time and that they're acting respectfully towards their partner.
post #54 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan
But that raises another question. If you *know* that the other teen's parent does not want them to have sex, what do you do about it at your house?

I let them know that because the other parent does not want them having sex in my home that they aren't allowed to, but I wouldn't watch over them anymore than I already would, which I would do from time to time with my own children anyway.
post #55 of 152
I just have to jump in here and say how much I've enjoyed reading all the thoughts from you wise women. This thread came at a good time for me as I've been dealing with some issues with my DD this past week. She's only 8, about to be 9 and has been around some girls at school whose knowledge of things has left me baffled. Just this week I learned that one of these girls offered to perform oral sex on her 'boyfriend' and was sent to the office. My DD didn't hear that particular conversation but it's made me question if I'm not behind in where we are with our talking about sex. I certainly thought I had a little time before we discussed oral sex. Much of our talking has centered around reproduction as I thought trying to detail the emotional implications would be over her head and could wait a year or two.

Anyway, just wanted to say what a great thread. It's certainly making me think about what work needs to be done now!
post #56 of 152
Wow. This has been great to read. It has really made me think some things through.

Would I provide condoms or bc? Absolutely. In fact, regardless of the gender I would provide condoms because I am MUCH more afraid of disease transmission than pregnancy.

Would I give them privacy? Yes.

Would I let them have their partner sleep over?

No. It would make me uncomfortable. And for the record, as a single parent, I have been very discreet and never put my son in the position of having to see my partners sleeping over either. I either spend time at the current partner's home or find times when my son is out of the house.

I would like to talk more openly about sex with my son who is 16. He does not want to talk about sex to me. Embarrassment, mostly. Of course, he isn't dating anyone right now and I homeschool him so am more aware of who his friends are anyway.

In fact, the only girls he is really good friends with and sees regularly with or without supervision are the daughters of the top perinatologist in town. So I know that they ALL know how to keep themselves safe.
post #57 of 152
I have had occasion to seriously think about this recently. My 15 y/o dd recently ended an 8month long relationship. They loved each other, treated each other with kindness and respect, and were and are the best of friends. If they had chosen to have a sexual relationship, I would not have been surprised.

I would absolutely pay for condoms for both my daugher and my 14 y/o son, and would also provide an additional method of bc for my daughter. I give them each reasonable amounts of privacy while they have friends over, but I'm not sure I would be comfortable allowing them to have sex here in our home with my knowledge. Maybe it would depend on their choice or partner, I'm just not sure. The lines of communication are ALWAYS open at this house- they can and do ask me anything, and know that I will always consider their opinions.
post #58 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan
But that raises another question. If you *know* that the other teen's parent does not want them to have sex, what do you do about it at your house?
This is the type of situation I was thinking of, sort of. The only difference being that I don't think I'd necessarily have to know that the other parents don't want their teen having sex to make a reasonable assumption that that is how they feel. I would not feel comfortable going against another parent's wishes by allowing their child to have sex in my home with my knowledge and consent. However, I, too, would not play policeman with these kids. The best the thing to do, imo, would be to talk to the other parents about the situation. The problem with that, though, is that I'm not sure it would be a rational conversation given most people's uptightness about sex.
post #59 of 152
Don't post here much but do lurk but MUST answer this!

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Nope. Condoms are NOT fool-proof. They have a failure rate of 10-36% failure rate for pregnancy and viruses are WAY smaller than a sperm so the risks are much higher to get a virus than to get pregnant. Pregnancy is survivable - AIDS or other diseases are not. Also, condoms do not prevent human papillomavirus, chlamydia, herpes, and syphilis since these are not only passed to each other via penile/vaginal penetration but genital contact.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No. Would I allow them to do drugs in my home so that they won't be doing it on a street corner? No.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Watch them like a hawk. That's what parents do!

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Absolutely communicate not only our 'no' but our 'why' behind it. Both my girls have great heads on their shoulders and have no desire to have sex before marriage right now (they are 12 and almost 15). My oldest doesn't even want to date yet because she knows how tempting it is to be serious with a guy and she's not ready yet.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I would want my daughters to be open with me and let me know what they're doing and I would do my best to continue to educate them on the risks that they are taking.

Just know: 56 million Americans have STDs - that's one in 5. 25% of students will graduate from high school with an STD, some of which could kill them or make them sterile. Condoms do NOT protect you from the most common STDs out there and it's just not worth it. I give our kids more credit than saying that they can't control themselves and we need to just toss some rubber at them. They DO have choices, they DO have self-control but they NEED TO KNOW THE FACTS!!!

Ann
post #60 of 152
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I am trying to remember how I paid for mine in high school. Think I used babysitting money. I got pills from Planned Parenthood. I never really thought about asking for money for that - it was private and my responsibility. But I actually plan to buy a box of condoms at Costco, leave them in the girls' bathroom and tell them to use them as needed. If the supply got low, I'd assume they'd buy more just so I wouldn't be privy to their personal business but if they didn't (buy more), I would.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

I don't know if "allow" is a word I'd use - it kinds of infers stuff I'm not sure about. I do think that sex in your own bed is much better, safer, less vulnerable feeling than in a car or outside or wherever. I'd much rather they be in one of their beds (my house or his - same diff) but I'm not sure I need to know about it. That just seems weird to me. It is private. I don't plan to tell my teens when I'll be having sex; likewise I don't want to know when they are. I really feel totally ok with them doing it - I just think it is private and the word allow seems to say "I know, I am in on this decision" and I don't think that I am part of someone else's decisions about things like that.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

Oh good, an easy one. Privacy definitely. Watching like a hawk is no match for teenage hormones. They find a way - you are not with them 24/7... I just don't like what it implys if I watch them like a hawk - I don't trust you; you cannot make a good decision without me; you're not safe if I'm not watching you; sex is wrong, etc.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

I plan to talk to them (they are now 8, 4 and 1 - my friends with teens think I may change my tune when it is a realistic time frame) but I'll be fairly uncomfortable I'm sure as my parents never talked to me about sex.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I think I'll totally accept it. I really believe there is no stopping teenage hormones and really, why would you want to? Wasn't that just the most wonderful time?? I hope my daughters all value themselves and choose to be with boys who respect them - as long as that happens, I am fine with it. Did I make some poor choices as a teen - sure. Did I learn SO MUCH from them - absolutely! If I could go back, there are a couple of decisions I'd make differently but none of them had a serious negative impact on me - they were learning experiences.
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