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Sexually Active Teens - Page 4

post #61 of 152
Thread Starter 

Great comments

Thanks everyone for all the great responses. It's nice to see so many that support my decision, and even the differing comments were good too. Just a couple points about how it works here. Before I let my 14 yo daughter's bf start staying over, I did have a long conversation with his mother, making sure it was ok with her. I really didn't want him to be going behind her back, and she appreciated that. My oldest daughter's bf was of age so I didnt think it was necessary to get his parents permission although it turned out they were fine with it anyway. Both my girls are in loving relationships and realize that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and something that is wonderful to share with a committed partner. They both do well in school, are not into drugs, make good choices, and are well liked by their friends and teachers. Like i said earlier, it was a little awkward at first but now we laugh about it. So, if anyone has to deal with this situation, just relax and accept that your kids are growing up albeit maybe sooner than you'd hoped. Hugs, Jan
post #62 of 152
Wow, Jan! That's great. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job relating to your children. It's encouraging for me to read that you were able to discuss these things with another child's mother without her freaking out.
post #63 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymommy
I'm shocked at some of the answers here ... I am not religious but I do NOT view sex in these teenage relationships as "healthy" ... We BOND with our sex partner, and having these bonds break is very painful and we do not emerge in the same place we went in. I was not a virgin when I married, and I do see the benefit of not having been a freak virgin into my mid-20s (given my social circle); but I do wish my bond with my husband had been the first or one of the first such pair bonds of my life.

I will make it absolutely clear to my teenagers that I will not tolerate serious sexual behavior in them before they are independent. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault. If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.

I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.
your life experiences make you the person you are, if you didn't have the same past experiences you'd be a different person and may have never even met your husband, or if you did meet him you may not have ever fallen in love, you would have been a different person.
post #64 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife
I have another question. For those of you who have said you would allow your teen to have sex in your home, would you require the knowledge and consent of the other child's parents? Oh, I forgot to add, why or why not?
I defenitely would get permission....in the reverse situation I'd sue the pants off of someone who let my daughter spend the night with their son without my knowledge. As a parent I NEED to know where my CHILD is, esp at night. And depending on the situation, the parents having the sleepover could be prosecuted for a crime. So it's very important that all parents know what's going on and give permission.

-Heather
post #65 of 152
Just some random thoughts on this:

I started having sex when I was barely thirteen. My parents found out and they really, really shamed me, forbid me to do it and then dragged me to an OB/GYN that I didn't know and wasn't comfortable with for my very first gyn exam and essentially forced me to take BC pills and then NEVER spoke of it again. Talk about confusing!!! I was far more traumatized by their response and the forced medical exam then I was by having sex so young. And I do believe strongly that a number of things led to my very early sexual activity. One is that my mother was very controlling. She controlled what we were "allowed" to wear, what we could do with our hair, when we could eat, etc... It kinda gave me chills when a PP wrote about her kids being under her control while dependent on her because it made me think so much of my own mother. So I know part of it was me just dying to make an independent decision about my body. Another factor was just a total lack of communication in general, including sex. My mother paid a lot of lip service about wanting to have an open dialogue about anything, but would then react so negatively and emotionally anytime an issue came up that she really made it impossible. I know I felt a sense of shame surrounding sex before I became active and for a long while after. For crying out loud I have NEVER seen my own mother even partially nude. I walked in on her changing once when I was like six and she yelled at me and slammed the door shut as if I had just stumbled upon something horribly indecent. I think it was largely because she was overweight and very self conscious. Which instilled in me a sense of shame and just in general being very uncomfortable with nudity, sexuality, and my body.

My dd is five. I am taking (and have taken) an approach of wanting her to understand and embrace her sexuality and her body in the hopes that that understanding will lend to her really loving and respecting her body. I tell her often how amazing women’s bodies are; how every single part of our bodies has an amazing function. She asks me about my stretch marks and about pubic hair and my breasts, etc.. and I always answer her thoroughly and honestly and in positive ways. We use proper words, like vulva and vagina and breasts. I intend to just continue frank dialogue. As she grows I intend to tell her how young I was when I lost my virginity and the reasons I regret it. I will talk to her about masturbation, birth control, etc… But also, as Unschoolma mentioned, I want her to understand that her body is her body. I do not make choices about her body. She wears outfits that internally make me cringe sometimes (that's leftover from my mother) but I never say a word. When she asks for a haircut, I cut it how she wants it without comment. When she isn't in the mood to be hugged by me (she has SID), I blow her a kiss. I continously reinforce that she has ultimate say over her body. I mainly just hope to instill in her a good sense of self, a love and respect of her body and sexuality and to trust her to make good choices with her body. How can we trust our children to make good choices with their health and their bodies as teens and adults, if we don't instill that trust through example and application very early on?
post #66 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamame
1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Nope. Condoms are NOT fool-proof. They have a failure rate of 10-36% failure rate for pregnancy and viruses are WAY smaller than a sperm so the risks are much higher to get a virus than to get pregnant.
Actually, for latex condoms the failure rate for correct condom use is 3%. Incorrect use is 10-14%. Also, the latex molecules are close enough together that both sperm and viruses can be safely contained. Latex condoms are extremely effective against HIV.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamame
Also, condoms do not prevent human papillomavirus, chlamydia, herpes, and syphilis since these are not only passed to each other via penile/vaginal penetration but genital contact.
No, they don't provide excellent protection against these diseases, but it is possible to have safer sexual activity with infected/possibly infected people. And a condom is better than no condom.

I respect your decision as a mama to try to keep your kids from having sex, but please don't lie to them about risks and birth control! You know there's no 100% guarantee that you can keep them from having sex if they want to; would you rather they not use any protection because they've been taught that it's worthless? Also, when they're adults, they will need to know the truth, and maybe they won't bother to look it up then. It's no better to get a disease or have an unplanned pregnancy at 20 than at 16, kwim?
post #67 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette
Actually, for latex condoms the failure rate for correct condom use is 3%. Incorrect use is 10-14%.
So we are counting on kids, who can't remember to put the milk away or get the trash out on time to consistently use a condom properly. I don't think it's realistic. Heck, the few times WE'VE used them, it's been interesting! Most kids think "this won't happen to me" and are NOT real careful. A 10-14% risk is pretty high - and this is for pregnancy NOT for diseases.

Quote:
Also, the latex molecules are close enough together that both sperm and viruses can be safely contained. Latex condoms are extremely effective against HIV.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/
That is maybe possible IF the condom is in perfect condition but chances are, they're not always. Keeping them in a wallet, in a hot car, in a cold car, ..... all affect the quality of the latex. Also, HIV is NOT the only disease you can get and, chance are good that the person you are having sex with does not have HIV but DOES have one of the more common viruses than can be just as devastating.

Quote:
No, they don't provide excellent protection against these diseases, but it is possible to have safer sexual activity with infected/possibly infected people. And a condom is better than no condom.
Yes, but should these kids be aware of the risks? Most don't. Are the kids that are having sex being regularly tested? Do they know if their partner has been tested?

Quote:
I respect your decision as a mama to try to keep your kids from having sex, but please don't lie to them about risks and birth control! You know there's no 100% guarantee that you can keep them from having sex if they want to; would you rather they not use any protection because they've been taught that it's worthless? Also, when they're adults, they will need to know the truth, and maybe they won't bother to look it up then. It's no better to get a disease or have an unplanned pregnancy at 20 than at 16, kwim?
No, I don't tell my kids that birth control/condoms are worthless but they know that they are not the fail-safe methods that people say they are and that the risk is just too great. Obviously they know the risk is even greater by NOT using any of this but I've told them this......if I hit a brick wall with my car at 40 MPH with no seatbelt on and no airbag, I'm going to be seriously hurt or killed. If I hit that same brick wall with a seatbelt and airbag - that fails in just 10% of the times in studies - am I that much safer? Yes, I may be OK but there's a good chance I'm not going to walk away from that unscathed.

I'm fortunate in that my kids are good kids, hang out with good kids and want to be with us and talk with us about anything. My kids' friends' parents have the same standards we do - we are truly blessed. I know that they can still stray and I just pray for protection for them and that what we've talked about sticks with them. Heck, on TV all the ads are saying that talking to your kids makes a difference as to whether they use drugs or smoke - I'm sure it's the same with sex and it's just as risky.

Ann
post #68 of 152
Shonahsmom, I really identify with your last post. My mom was similar to yours, and I grew up feeling really embarrassed about my body, and definitly about sex. The unspoken message I got was that sex, and even men in general, are nasty.

For whatever reason, maybe just my unadventerous personality , I didn't have sex until I was 17. Heck, I didn't even kiss a guy till I was 17!


I want to find a balance between encouraging my kids to own their bodies and my responsibility to protect their bodies. Perhaps they aren't mutually exclusive.
post #69 of 152

proud

I would just like to say that i am truly suprised by the openness you mothers have to the concept of teen sex. It is happening and it is going to continue to happen teens having sex. I am a 23 with a 7 year old daughter. If you do the math i was sixteen. I wish my parents would have been on top of things with me and provided me protection. There was nothing they were going to say that was going to stop me from having sex. Don't get me wrong i love my daughter with all of my heart and i like to think she saved me from taking the wrong path but i wish i would have been older when i had her. I missed out on a child hood. One last thought to the supportive parents out there. You are doing the right thing for your teens you are trying to protect them if you ignore the fact that teens have sex you might end up a grandparent or a parent of a teen with an uncurable illness.
post #70 of 152
I just wanted to pipe in to all you 20-something saying how you remember being a teen since it wasn't that long ago for you that I'm 30-something and I still vividly remmeber my teenage years. : I bet most people do regardless of age. That's one reason why I think it's so important to be involved in your teen's life. So even though it was half my lifetime ago, I'm not so over the hill that I can't remember. (I hope you all know I'm teasing you. )

And to the PP who was shocked that her young dd had a classmate offering oral sex to her boyfriend, oral sex seems to be all the rage now. Kids think it is a safe way to have sex without actually having sex. As the former President said, it's not really sex.
post #71 of 152
I have a 13 yo dd and a 9 yo dd.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

No, I don't believe that I would pay for any bc for them. If they think they're old enough to handle the responsibility of sex, then they can be old enough to handle the responsibility of a job to pay for their own bc.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

My dh spent the night at my house before we were married, but we were both over 18 and he actually slept in a sleeping bag! Hormones went crazy when we were there, just the two of us. I know how hormones are and I don't feel comfortable in setting up a situation to promote that.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

I would have to say that it would be middle-of-the-road for me. Some supervision, but not right-in-their-face about it.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We do communicate openly. I've recently started more conversations about sex with my 13 yo because she's arriving into that high-pressure age bracket.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

My dds are not sexually active but I would try to convince them to stop, based on my own experience. The only good sexual experience I had before I was married was with the man who would become my husband. Looking back, I would have saved it for marriage. I became pregnant at 17 (with a different partner) and had an abortion. My mom was supportive of whatever decision I chose. Sex was not openly discussed in my house but I decided to have sex because all of my friends were "doing it" and I felt left out of the conversations. What a lousy reason!

Looking back, I see no positives to premarital sex. I tell my children that it's best to wait until you're married before you get pregnant.

Bottom line, if my dds choose to have sex, then they had better be ready to deal with the responsibility. And, of course, being the mom that I am, will be here to catch them should they fall.
post #72 of 152
Well, this whole thread has me a bit surprised. Perhaps it is because we homeschool and just live our lives differently. I don't know. My oldest is 14, he will be 15 in March. He is not sexually active with other people. I am sure he is sexually active in privacy. It would be odd if he wasn't.

I have talked to my kids about sex and I don't believe they have to wait until marriage. I will have condoms in the house where they can get to them. I have no problem with that when the time comes. I don't expect my kids to be having sex at this age though. I would be very surprised. I can't imagine inviting them to have sex in our home but I would never say never. I don't know what the future holds.

I am very against the idea of allowing them to have sex in my house with someone whose parent is against this. To me it is disrespectful on my part. I would expect my kids friends parents not to allow my kids to do things in their home such as have sex or do drugs etc as well. It is inappropriate IMO. Too much focus on sex. There is so much more to life. This is but one tiny part they will have their entire adult lives to explore. What is the rush?

Collette
post #73 of 152
There are some great responses here. If my dh had his way, our girls would be in a convent their whole adolesence, which doesn't really solve the problem!!
post #74 of 152
Here's my 2 cents. I was active at 16. My mom is a nurse and would ALWAYS try to talk to me about sex at the worst times. Thank god I was mature enough to go to Planned Parenthood myself and get on BCP I had 1 major boyfriend in HS that I was involved with and we also used condoms. I would NEVER expect my parents to by my BC! In fact, I tried my best to 'protect' them from knowing that I was active I think the maturity level of the teen needs to be considered overall. If the teen is old enough, perhaps a visit to PP alone is sufficient.

Now days, many teens view certain sex acts as not really sex, for example, a number of teens actually believe that oral sex is no big deal Excuse me, but that is the craziest thing I've heard and it is widespread. I would definitely make sure that my kids understand that sex is sex. Its all a big deal. Seems like if they can't get pg from oral sex, that it is a free for all...

For the preteens in our house, I think the best we can do for them is model a healthy relationship. By providing a good example and creating an environment its the best we can do...

Now to answer your questions:

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? - No, its their responsibility.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Honestly, I wouldn't really push for them to, but as long as I wasn't around... :
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? I would opt to give them some privacy but have guidelines regarding time alone together.
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Keep the lines open but don't force it. Keep it natural.
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? Try to accept it and respect their decisions. Obviously I'm talking about mature teens not 12 yos.
post #75 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by rgarlough
Now days, many teens view certain sex acts as not really sex, for example, a number of teens actually believe that oral sex is no big deal Excuse me, but that is the craziest thing I've heard and it is widespread. I would definitely make sure that my kids understand that sex is sex. Its all a big deal. Seems like if they can't get pg from oral sex, that it is a free for all...
IMO this is byproduct of the overemphasis on virginity. As long as they stay "virgins" by not having vaginal intercourse then they are still "good girls". on all of it.
post #76 of 152
Thread Starter 

Yes

I totally agree arduinna!!!
post #77 of 152
Yeah, I went to college with a guy who regularly proclaimed his virginity, was very involved in the campus catholic student organization, would talk about how he was saving himself for the woman he would marry...and yet he was also having oral AND anal sex with various partners on a regular basis. I swear it came straight from his mouth that as long as his penis did not penetrate a woman's vagina, he was still a "virgin"! And this was no high school kid, he was like 22! Ah well, at least there was no pregnancy risk, but OTOH he and his partners apparently had no need for condoms since they weren't having "sex" .
post #78 of 152
Quote:
Originally Posted by wakeUpMama
...and yet he was also having oral AND anal sex with various partners on a regular basis. .... Ah well, at least there was no pregnancy risk, but OTOH he and his partners apparently had no need for condoms since they weren't having "sex" .
Actually, pregnancy is possible (not particularly likely, but possible) if a man ejaculates in a woman's anus without a condom, especially if the area is well lubricated. It's not that far a trip from there to the vagina, and especially if the woman is on all fours when he pulls out, it's not uncommon for semen to find its way there.

It is also VERY high risk behavior in terms of diseases and infections. But I'm sure such an upstanding young man such as he gets tested and makes sure his partners are tested on a regular basis.

Just FYI.

(Note: I'm not saying unprotected anal [or oral] sex doesn't have its place within a healthy sexual relationship - but will the court please note I used the word SEX twice in that last sentance?? Sheesh. This isn't rocket science.)
post #79 of 152
wakeupmama

I think that guy needs to wake up :LOL
post #80 of 152
Holy cow. Now I need to go figure out how to give my children the carefree, beautiful, innocent childhood my parents gave me. I can only hope my children blossom late, as I did. I may have to homeschool if we move out of this lovely bubble town.

I will not buy them birth control.
They may not have sex in my home.
I will not watch them like a hawk, but they will be in an open area of the home with their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends.
We will speak openly about sex, about the gift it is and why our Creator gave us boundaries within which to use it.
I will love and help them no matter what but will stand firm by my knowledge that sex is for marriage.
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