AngelBee first of all you are NOT alone in your feelings
Second you are not "lazy and unmotivated", you know this, don't
think about what others think right now
Third there are some who are perfectionist because they want to,
or the world tells them they need to be, but for some it's a illness
and professional help is needed (not forever, but to get back on track).
My own situation is two fold, one being my self esteem and feeling
like if I have everything organized in my home then my life will reflect
that. Two I am blessed with bipolar (took me awhile to count that
one as a blessing
) and OCD tendencies come along with the ride.
I am also overcompensating for not wanting to become my Mother, who
also lived with mental illness but would never acknowledge it. Part of her
illness was collecting, not keeping up with housework, it wasn't dirty
but it was very weird. When I moved out of my parents house and
came back to visit I found that my Mother had collected so much that
not only was my room packed (you could not enter the room, not even
a path) but she had done the same to the guest room.
Have you ever thought about therapy. It's helped me more that I
could have ever imagined. I learned cognitive behavior therapy. Have
you ever really thought about why you allow perfectionism to run your
life. For some I think it is healthy this is how they like their life, but
when your becoming depressed it's something bigger.
Something else that has helped me is to give myself a time limit. If
I decide to organize an area I first have to say to myself "You will only
work on this for 2 hours, if you aren't done then you will have to do
more later". If I don't I could possibly sit there all day and continue
all night till I am done. I also have to get over the fact that it might
be organized but to let go of perfect. Cause I will sit there and focus
on one item for up to an hour.
When I was making my dd's invitations for her b-day party I could have
spent HOURS deciding on colors, pics, etc. I gave myself a half hour,
and that was that.
My breaking point was finding myself scrubbing the kitchen floor on my
hands and knees at 2am, and actually thinking that when I was done
I would be happy. I am happier when my home is organized cause I
like to know where things are, BUT having a clean and organized home
will not make me happy. Make sense?
The best advice I can give is to search out books (like yogamama
suggested) or start therapy. Second is to clean up the piles you talk
about, giving yourself permission to not have it be perfect, but put
away in a timely fashion. Start slow, and don't over analyze it.
I have had both perfection and attention problems since I was a child
and I feel that in my twenties (turning 30 soon)
: that I have come
to a place where my perfectionism doesn't rule my life.
I send healing energy, and I hope you can keep us updated