I need some help (long and some tmi)

[Kathryn]

...

[MsMoMpls]

Oh dear, please get some help. I can't tell for sure if its PPD or Depression or Dysthemia but you need some help. You need therapy and likely meds and they can be safe with nursing and they can help you without making you dopey. You need to feel better.

And your husband had better keep his hands off of you. What he is doing is hurting you and ruining your marriage. I don't know how to explain just how damaging it is to be forced in anyway especially if you have an abusive background.

The anger you are feeling has so many sources but it can be healed. You deserve so much more. No matter how long your life has been a mess, it can be repaired. The thing that I believe works best for the kind of history that you have faced is called Dialectic Behavioral Therapy- where do you live, do you have insurance, I can look for resources for you. You need to talk to someone soon, please... you and your family need to feel better.

Let me know how I can help.

[AdinaL]

First off - I would highly suggest you stop ttc. That is way more stress than you need right now - and in addition, if you do get pregnant - the hormones might make your situation worse.

And secondly - you need to get some help! It sounds like even if there is nothign chemically wrong - you are certainly overwhelmed with your life and past events.

Good luck honey, and please take care.

[Doulaamber]

Honey, STOP TTC!!! Bringing another baby into your situation will only make it worse!

And get help! You need counseling and so does your dh. And yes a professional can help.

PLEASE get help!!!!!

I am so sorry you are having such a rough times

[diane1969]

I would definately recommend getting professional help. You WILL find it very helpful. Make sure she is a doctor (or has the authority to prescribe medication -- if you need it, they are able to appropriately tailor it to your specific needs). And, please, tell her everything. It will be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, I'm sure that after talking with a professional you will finally feel that you are on the road to a healthier, *HAPPIER* you!

EDA: Oh, yes, stop TTC. Bringing on a second baby, at least for me, has brought on twice the stress!!

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

Oh dear, please get some help. I can't tell for sure if its PPD or Depression or Dysthemia but you need some help. You need therapy and likely meds and they can be safe with nursing and they can help you without making you dopey. You need to feel better.

And your husband had better keep his hands off of you. What he is doing is hurting you and ruining your marriage. I don't know how to explain just how damaging it is to be forced in anyway especially if you have an abusive background.

The anger you are feeling has so many sources but it can be healed. You deserve so much more. No matter how long your life has been a mess, it can be repaired. The thing that I believe works best for the kind of history that you have faced is called Dialectic Behavioral Therapy- where do you live, do you have insurance, I can look for resources for you. You need to talk to someone soon, please... you and your family need to feel better.

Let me know how I can help.

I have Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance. I do want to feel better, but I don't want to blame any of this on my husband. He's a very wonderful man. Yes, he does hurt my feelings sometimes, but he really does love me and he does really try to make me very happy.

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by AdinaL

First off - I would highly suggest you stop ttc. That is way more stress than you need right now - and in addition, if you do get pregnant - the hormones might make your situation worse.

And secondly - you need to get some help! It sounds like even if there is nothign chemically wrong - you are certainly overwhelmed with your life and past events.

Good luck honey, and please take care.

I don't think stopping TTC will make things better. Having a baby has brought us closer and we now don't fight as bad or as long and when I was pregnant I actually felt a lot better. I wasn't so unhappy all the time. I think maybe the hormones when I was pregnant balanced things out for a bit and now that they're gone, I'm back to "normal". I am happy with how things in my life are going for me now, but I just can't get my past thoughts out of my head. It's hard to change the way I've been for so long. I'm used to being anorexic and it's hard to not be. I think it always will be. I just really want to care. I want to care about everything. I never really have and it's always bothered me.

[EllasMama]

I hate to burst the bubble, but it's highly likely that being pregnant with baby #2 will not feel anything like being pregnant with #1. All of my friends with 2 or more pregnancies were ecstatic during their first and definitely NOT during the second. You will already have a little one around who will need your attention regardless of how nauseous or exhausted you are (which can happen even if it didn't in your first pregnancy). And even if you did feel better in pregnancy, that is only 9 months and after that you'll have double the workload as a mother. You can't keep having babies indefinitely, so it's important to think about a more long-term plan for feeling better.

I understand that you want to feel better a.s.a.p. and applaud your acknowledging that. However, pregnancy is not the only option. You really, truly CAN feel better with medication and therapy. Many of the women in this PPD forum take meds of some sort and see therapists. I resisted meds for a long time but when I finally relented, I felt so much better in just a couple of weeks. Some may make you feel a little foggy for a week or so, but this wears off and you definitely don't feel dopey on the anti-depressant I take.

You know, I want to second what MsMoMpls said. IT IS NOT OKAY for your husband to force you to touch him in any way, form, or fashion. It's not okay for him to try to shame you into doing things you don't want to. It's not okay for him to expect or ask for oral sex daily when you are clearly uninterested and it's physically painful to you. It IS okay for you not to be interested in sex. Depression, having been raped, stress, a little one, lack of sleep...how could you not be less interested in sex? You aren't abnormal or alone in that. Many, many moms lose interest in sex and that includes perfectly healthy and happy moms. It's not universal, but it is extremely normal.

It may feel hopeless sometimes, but a good couples counselor truly can help you and your husband. And therapy for yourself would be a wonderful way for you to feel safe talking about and working through some of the many painful issues. I know you know this, but since you mentioned your parents' attitude, I just want to say outright that having a therapist does not mean you are "crazy." Taking anti-depressants doesn't mean you're "crazy" either. It just means there is an imbalance in your brain that can be helped with support and/or medication. Depression doesn't mean you're weak. It's no different from any other illness.

You have had some rotten times in your life, but it is NOT because you are less deserving of happiness. You deserve to feel better and you have the right to seek help in any form that is beneficial. What made me finally seek help was not so much about my own self, but realizing that my child deserved a happier mom. Keep repeating to yourself, "I deserve to feel better!"

I am sending you strength and {{{hugs}}} as you start on a journey toward feeling happier and more hopeful. You will find so much support and information here, I hope you'll visit regularly to let these wonderful moms at MDC know how it's going. Best of luck. Please come here with any questions or vents or concerns you have.

Warmly,
Carol

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by EllasMama

I hate to burst the bubble, but it's highly likely that being pregnant with baby #2 will not feel anything like being pregnant with #1. All of my friends with 2 or more pregnancies were ecstatic during their first and definitely NOT during the second. You will already have a little one around who will need your attention regardless of how nauseous or exhausted you are (which can happen even if it didn't in your first pregnancy). And even if you did feel better in pregnancy, that is only 9 months and after that you'll have double the workload as a mother. You can't keep having babies indefinitely, so it's important to think about a more long-term plan for feeling better.

I understand that you want to feel better a.s.a.p. and applaud your acknowledging that. However, pregnancy is not the only option. You really, truly CAN feel better with medication and therapy. Many of the women in this PPD forum take meds of some sort and see therapists. I resisted meds for a long time but when I finally relented, I felt so much better in just a couple of weeks. Some may make you feel a little foggy for a week or so, but this wears off and you definitely don't feel dopey on the anti-depressant I take.

You know, I want to second what MsMoMpls said. IT IS NOT OKAY for your husband to force you to touch him in any way, form, or fashion. It's not okay for him to try to shame you into doing things you don't want to. It's not okay for him to expect or ask for oral sex daily when you are clearly uninterested and it's physically painful to you. It IS okay for you not to be interested in sex. Depression, having been raped, stress, a little one, lack of sleep...how could you not be less interested in sex? You aren't abnormal or alone in that. Many, many moms lose interest in sex and that includes perfectly healthy and happy moms. It's not universal, but it is extremely normal.

It may feel hopeless sometimes, but a good couples counselor truly can help you and your husband. And therapy for yourself would be a wonderful way for you to feel safe talking about and working through some of the many painful issues. I know you know this, but since you mentioned your parents' attitude, I just want to say outright that having a therapist does not mean you are "crazy." Taking anti-depressants doesn't mean you're "crazy" either. It just means there is an imbalance in your brain that can be helped with support and/or medication. Depression doesn't mean you're weak. It's no different from any other illness.

You have had some rotten times in your life, but it is NOT because you are less deserving of happiness. You deserve to feel better and you have the right to seek help in any form that is beneficial. What made me finally seek help was not so much about my own self, but realizing that my child deserved a happier mom. Keep repeating to yourself, "I deserve to feel better!"

I am sending you strength and {{{hugs}}} as you start on a journey toward feeling happier and more hopeful. You will find so much support and information here, I hope you'll visit regularly to let these wonderful moms at MDC know how it's going. Best of luck. Please come here with any questions or vents or concerns you have.

Warmly,
Carol

I'm not thinking that I will feel the same or am I trying to use my TTC as a way of feeling better. I guess I just don't see why I should have to put my life on hold just to make myself feel a little better. Self esteem problems anyone? I've felt this way for so long, that I just don't know how else to feel. I'm so numb a lot of the time anymore and I don't want that for my family. I really do think that I need to try some medications, but I don't know where to start. Do I just go to a general practitioner or do I see a psychologist? Do I need a referral to see a psychologist or does that differ by insurance? What kind of medications can I take while nursing? What would go on if I went to therapy? What would I do? How does couples therapy work? What would we do? I'm assuming that any marriage counseling isn't covered by insurance. I'm just so lost. I feel like I've been in my grave for 12 years trying to dig myself out. I'm just now nearing the surface, but my hands are getting raw. Sometimes I wonder why I had to go through all I did. Why me? Why did I have to be the one that all of this happened to? Was it supposed to make me stronger? I don't think it did. If I was stronger I don't think I would need medicine. And I know that thought is my parents fault. I know taking medication doesn't mean I'm weak, but I can't help but think that way. Maybe I should start writing again. It never helped me back then. In fact it usually made me think about my feelings instead of just being numb. Thinking about them just made me feel worse and that's when I would self-abuse. Maybe writing is such a great idea? I've really started to enjoy taking photos lately. Maybe that's my outlet... I just don't know. I'm not at all suicidal. I would never do that to my family. I love them way to much for that. I would never leave my daughter or husband like that. I just am sick of not feeling at all. I want to feel happy. I want to feel normal. Yes, I know, "normal is a dryer setting", but you all catch my drift. Anyhow... I have ongoing questions that I think I'm getting answers to here. Thanks so much ladies.

[MsMoMpls]

Lots of good questions- I suggest you see your family doctor first. A psychiatrist is hard to get in with and unless you have a pretty complicated situation, it isn't usually necessary. A psychologist is for therapy and usually if you are depressed, your insurance can be used for marital counseling. I have to be careful how I explain this- if you call your insurance and ask if they pay for marital counseling, they usually say no because for them to pay for it, it needs to be a medical condition (such as depression or post-partum). So if you just make an appointment with someone that does marital work (like I do) then the therapist does an assessment of your situation and can often recommend dealing with the depression within your marriage. Does that make sense? So, look in the yellow pages and find out what your insurance covers and find someone that is willing to take your insurance and does marital work. Don't feel shy about calling and asking questions, the thing that keeps most people out of therapy is that no one knows how to do it. I wish we could somehow make it easier for people. Often, they come in after years of thinking about it.

Anything else I can help with, let me know. You can also PM me but know that so many women reading your posts feel just like you do and are afraid to post them.

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

Lots of good questions- I suggest you see your family doctor first. A psychiatrist is hard to get in with and unless you have a pretty complicated situation, it isn't usually necessary. A psychologist is for therapy and usually if you are depressed, your insurance can be used for marital counseling. I have to be careful how I explain this- if you call your insurance and ask if they pay for marital counseling, they usually say no because for them to pay for it, it needs to be a medical condition (such as depression or post-partum). So if you just make an appointment with someone that does marital work (like I do) then the therapist does an assessment of your situation and can often recommend dealing with the depression within your marriage. Does that make sense? So, look in the yellow pages and find out what your insurance covers and find someone that is willing to take your insurance and does marital work. Don't feel shy about calling and asking questions, the thing that keeps most people out of therapy is that no one knows how to do it. I wish we could somehow make it easier for people. Often, they come in after years of thinking about it.

Anything else I can help with, let me know. You can also PM me but know that so many women reading your posts feel just like you do and are afraid to post them.

So I just make an appointment with a family doctor and tell him/her what? I have a very hard time opening up to doctors. Could I just say that I'm depressed, have been for 12 years, and I would like to try medication? Do I really need to go into specifics? Can I just tell the doctor I'm not comfortable talking about it with them?

[mommyofboy]

Sounds like you have had a rough life. Do you have mental health coverage on your insurance? They can refer you to a therapist to talk to . YOu can see your regular doctor and if he/she thinks you need to see a psychiatrist then you can do so.

I agree with other posters, please don't try to concieve right now. Plus you have a baby that is still young. You need to focus on getting things more stable right now for yourself, your marriage, and work through a lot of issues.
Your body needs to heal from the 1st baby.

I wish you the best of luck as you work through all this. I think in the long run you will be better off to deal with it.

[Kathryn]

I do think I have mental health coverage, I'll have to double check. I don't actually already have a doctor, that's why I was asking what I needed to do. I haven't been to the doctor in probably 4 or 5 years so I need to find one first.

[RedOakMomma]

Kathryn,

, honey. I grew up in an abusive home, too, and your story reminds me so much of what my sister and I have gone through.

You can make it through this, and you can be happy on the other side. Therapy, especially with someone who has counselled victims of abuse, can help SO MUCH!! My mom always threatened me therapy, telling me the therapist would confirm what an awful person I was, and so I was always afraid to go. I thought it was for messed up, weak people. I thought I didn't really need it. Now I wish I'd started therapy years earlier.

Once you get some of your past ghosts talked through, it might be a good idea to get couples therapy, too. I'd encourage you to do the two types of therapy separately, though. Marriage therapy tends to focus on the couple's issues, and obviously there's more at work than just couple issues.

As far as insurace goes, there are lots of ways to get help. Sometimes insurance plans will say they 'don't cover therapy,' but if you get your primary care doctor or a therapist to 'diagnose' you with depression or anxiety, then sessions will be covered. If the insurace says no when you ask them about mental health coverage, call your doctor or a local therapist's office and ask them if they know any way to get around your insurance's requirements. Dh and I are in therapy together right now, and the insurance we have now won't cover marriage therapy....but they WILL cover therapy for depression of one partner with the other partner attending the session.

And the meds--I've never been on them, but my sister took Lexapro (a drug that's very quick to act). Another friend of mine took it for PPD, and my dad took it when my mother died. All three said there were no side effects, and now that they've worked through their depression they're off it. Medicine can be very helpful in the short term. Especially if you're feeling desperate, suicidal, or if you just can't get out from under that sad feeling.

I think writing is a great idea. I started journalling when I was 12, and I think it helped me through the darkest times. It's great that you like photography! Me too!

Geez...I wonder if abusive parents and sexually abusive teenage relationships just lead to adult depression, a love of writing, and photography buffs? Sorry to joke, but sometimes it feels good to take my past a little lightly.

You can get through this, and you deserve happiness. PM me if you need anything.

s and s and a million more s,
Elisabeth

[MsMoMpls]

Kathryn- Did you have a doctor with your little one? Since there is a chance this is post partum even though you have a history of depression- you could certainly start with whoever you saw through your pregnacy.

What to tell them- Hi- I think I am depressed and it is interfering with my life. Are you having sleep problems, appetite problems, irritability, lack of interest in the things you used to care about. Those are physical symptoms, really. You tell them just the way you would tell them that you had a sore throat. I know it is hard but believe me, they hear it all the time.

It is hard if you haven't got a relationship with someone but it is worth trying. You deserve to feel so much better.

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Kathryn,
, honey. I grew up in an abusive home, too, and your story reminds me so much of what my sister and I have gone through.
You can make it through this, and you can be happy on the other side. Therapy, especially with someone who has counselled victims of abuse, can help SO MUCH!! My mom always threatened me therapy, telling me the therapist would confirm what an awful person I was, and so I was always afraid to go. I thought it was for messed up, weak people. I thought I didn't really need it. Now I wish I'd started therapy years earlier.
Once you get some of your past ghosts talked through, it might be a good idea to get couples therapy, too. I'd encourage you to do the two types of therapy separately, though. Marriage therapy tends to focus on the couple's issues, and obviously there's more at work than just couple issues.
As far as insurace goes, there are lots of ways to get help. Sometimes insurance plans will say they 'don't cover therapy,' but if you get your primary care doctor or a therapist to 'diagnose' you with depression or anxiety, then sessions will be covered. If the insurace says no when you ask them about mental health coverage, call your doctor or a local therapist's office and ask them if they know any way to get around your insurance's requirements. Dh and I are in therapy together right now, and the insurance we have now won't cover marriage therapy....but they WILL cover therapy for depression of one partner with the other partner attending the session.
And the meds--I've never been on them, but my sister took Lexapro (a drug that's very quick to act). Another friend of mine took it for PPD, and my dad took it when my mother died. All three said there were no side effects, and now that they've worked through their depression they're off it. Medicine can be very helpful in the short term. Especially if you're feeling desperate, suicidal, or if you just can't get out from under that sad feeling.
I think writing is a great idea. I started journalling when I was 12, and I think it helped me through the darkest times. It's great that you like photography! Me too!
Geez...I wonder if abusive parents and sexually abusive teenage relationships just lead to adult depression, a love of writing, and photography buffs? Sorry to joke, but sometimes it feels good to take my past a little lightly.
You can get through this, and you deserve happiness. PM me if you need anything.
s and s and a million more s,
Elisabeth

I guess I don't really understand how therapy will help me get better. I've been told that all this wasn't my fault and I've talked about my problems many times before and talking and reasurence doesn't help. What do therapists do?

I really am not sure if writing is a good idea. When I was younger I would start writing and because I was letting myself feel my own pain, I would get really really sad and depressed. I would start crying, get out the razor or whatever else I used, then afterwards I always felt better than before I wrote, but I'm not really sure if it was because I was writing or self-abusing...

I would love to see some of your pictures if you have any to share. I really don't think I'm very good at it, but that's not what matters anyway. At least I truly enjoy doing it.

Maybe all the abuse kind of shuts down a part of your brain and the only other part anybody can ever get to is the creativity part or the book smart part. Anybody knows it's easier to be yourself in art and poetry then in science or math. :LOL

Would therapy also help my phobias?

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

Kathryn- Did you have a doctor with your little one? Since there is a chance this is post partum even though you have a history of depression- you could certainly start with whoever you saw through your pregnacy.

What to tell them- Hi- I think I am depressed and it is interfering with my life. Are you having sleep problems, appetite problems, irritability, lack of interest in the things you used to care about. Those are physical symptoms, really. You tell them just the way you would tell them that you had a sore throat. I know it is hard but believe me, they hear it all the time.

It is hard if you haven't got a relationship with someone but it is worth trying. You deserve to feel so much better.

I had a midwife at a birthing center and I don't think they do anything but womens visits and prenatal visits. I talked to my husband last night and he said that he just wants me to be happy with whatever I have to do and he'll go to the doctors appointment with me if I want. So, now I guess I just have to find a doctor. *sigh* I hate doctors.

[RedOakMomma]

I know you've probably talked about your past with the people you trust and different friends you've had throughout your life, and while that allows a certain kind of healing, therapy is different.

In therapy you'll talk about your past, but you'll also talk about how you feel now and what your life is like now. The relationship sabbotage, the violent feelings you have, the phobias, the way you feel about your husband and your sex life-- all of these issues are linked to what you've been through in the past. It's the therapist's job to help you make the connections between the past and your present, and from there give you techniques or ways of thinking that help you lead a healthier, happier life. It's amazing.

For instance, my mother had borderline personality disorder (BPD). The abuse I went through was intense emotional abuse. Very sadistic, and from an early age. As a teenager and young adult, I "escaped" from the house, made friends, and found that I put a lot of the abuse behind me. I told people I was close to about my past, and was kind of amazed that everyone kept telling me I should see a therapist. Afterall, compared to what I had been going through, I felt so much healthier and alive than I ever had as a kid/teenager. Surely I was getting better on my own!

I first started realizing the need for therapy when I was several years into my relationship with my husband. I was a lot healthier than I had been as a child and teenager (love can do amazing things), but there were aspects of my life that still made me unhappy...I often felt lonely, I didn't have many close female friends, I had A LOT of self-confidence problems that I tried to cover up with a tough exterior (thereby isolating myself), I was constantly looking for approval from people (running myself ragged trying to be everything to everybody), I had a hard time hearing criticism and not taking it as a rejection, I'd feel tremendous shame for doing little, silly things wrong, I didn't like sudden change, and I had a real problem delaying gratification--in my case, that meant overeating and then beating myself up for being "fat."

Therapy, and finding out more about the children of abusive families (especially children of BPD) was a huge wakeup call for me. All these little things I'd been struggling with, things I thought were "just me" and not related to the abuse, had direct connections with my past. Once someone helped me see those connections, and see what "normal" was, I felt such a release. Therapy didn't erase the pain of my past, but it helped clean the slate to start living a healthy life.

I still struggle with some things. I still do some emotional eating, for sure, but the rest has really improved. Now that all the effects of past abuse have been pointed out to me, I see when my low self esteem is ruling my behavior and I'm able to put a stop to it. I feel in control. Feeling in control is the best.

My sister has also gone through therapy (her abuse manifested itself as anorexia, depression, extremely low self-esteem and compulsive eating/shopping), and it's helped her so much.

Don't get me wrong--unless you knew the two of us, and knew us well (like a sibling, best friend, or husband would), you'd never have known anything was wrong. We were both very successful, crazy over-achievers. It's amazing how well we were able to function considering how messed up our inside lives were.

There's nothing to lose by trying therapy. It's just like anything--see what it's like, give it some time (at least several sessions), and see how you feel. Finding a therapist is as easy as opening a phone book. If you don't like the therapist you visit the first time, ask to make an appointment with someone else in the practice (therapists are VERY used to people shopping around for the right therapist, and they won't take offense AT ALL).

If you're afraid of writing, then I'd say don't do it. One thing you could do, if creativity is a soothing outlet for you, is take some of your writing and photographs into therapy. They might be the sort of ice-breaker you need.

Please give therapy a chance. It gave me a whole new life, and like I said in my first post--I wish I had done it years earlier. It took too long for me to admit I needed it, and then it took to long for me to make the call. I know you need to process all this in your own time, but your first post seemed like a call for help. Therapy is help.

s,
Elisabeth

[MsMoMpls]

RedOakMomma- couldn't have said it better myself. I love the way you talk about your journey and feel proud that therapy was part of your healing.

The thing for me is that I see all these people climbing hand over foot out of their despair, and I know they are getting out, but folks...I know where the elevator is. I can't help people until they do the hardest thing in the world- walk into my office. After that, it gets a whole lot easier.

[bamamom]

Please please see a therapist and take the medications if necessary!