You mentioned that you hate doctors - does that mean that you don't like the one you usually see (if you have one)? If so, I would recommend asking around for a referral, either other moms or your midwives or whoever you think has a similar outlook and lifestyle to you. If you can find someone you're comfortable with, that'd be great.
I got a referral to a Nurse Practitioner from my therapist and went to see her (they can prescribe meds). It was easier to open up than you might think b/c she gave me a questionnaire to fill out. So there were basically a lot of Yes/No questions and I didn't have to "say" anything, just mark the answer. From that she determined what my problems were (depression with a touch of anxiety) and gave me a medication to try (Lexapro). There are many types of medications and some work great for anxiety, some for depression, some for both, etc. Also not every drug works the same for everyone, so if the first one you take doesn't work you can try different ones. Also they'll probably give you a smaller dose and work up, since if a smaller dose works there is no reason to take a larger one. Make sure your doctor knows you are breastfeeding and ask specifically for the safest drug of the sort you need to start out with. If you have questions you can cross-check for safety at
www.kellymom.com. Having said all that, the first drug and low dose worked great for me, so it's totally possible that will happen for you, too.
Therapy...ahhh, therapy. If you find a good therapist - preferably one who's worked with a lot of people who have similar issues - it can be so amazing. Your therapist should have ZERO judgment about you and is also an objective party. B/c of that, as you become more comfortable, you can begin to talk about things you just never would talk about with most friends, and in a way that is therapeutic. The neat thing about therapy is that no matter what you think you know about yourself, a good therapist will somehow help guide you to points where you have these "A-HA!" moments about yourself. For me this doesn't often happen during sessions, but I still know that the work I'm doing in therapy has allowed me to make that progress in understanding, accepting, and working with who I am. Every few months I make a leap like this, of sorts. For instance (this might sound silly but it was a huge thing for me) recently it hit me all the sudden that there are things about me that will probably never change, and that is totally okay. Like my tendency to procrastinate. I'm almost 32 and have been this way all my life. All my life people have told me how horrible this is, but geez, somehow I've managed. Guess what? If I haven't changed after nearly 30 years of being told it's "wrong" I'm doubting it's ever going to change. So I can keep feeling crappy about it or just stop listening to other people's judgment, accept my weaknesses along with my strengths, and move on. It sounds so obvious to many people, but I'm a perfectionist -- it took me 2 years of therapy to reach that moment! But I am so glad I did b/c now I can drop that baggage and move on.
Anyway, it is scary to start this process. I remember how it felt. I really didn't want to admit anything was "wrong" and I certainly didn't relish the idea of telling a perfect stranger. But my husband supported me as best he could and that helped me follow through. And once I'd seen my therapist a couple of times she wasn't a stranger anymore.
BTW...YOU ARE NOT WEAK! I can't even imagine going through 1/2 of what you have been through and here you are, admitting that you want to feel better, and looking for information on how to pursue that. You have not given up, and that is so awesome. Think of it in terms of weight-lifting. Are other people strong because their lives equate to the 15 pound barbell and they're lifting that with no struggle? What if someone is trying to keep their life's 150 poound barbell in the air but failing...are they weaker than the first person? Not hardly! A TRULY strong person would put the barbell down in order to find ways to work their way up to supporting that weight without injuring themselves. It takes a while to build up strength, but you are already well along that path already and I can tell from your posts that you want to keep going. And you deserve to. Now THAT is true strength!
Carol
s . Thank you for sharing your story with us, I hope that that in and of itself was a relief for you.
