How do I console someone who cant meet her birthmom?

[FoxintheSnow]

Here's some background:

When my stepmom was with her first husband she wasn't able to physically have children, so she looked into adoption. They found a girl in Paraguay who needed adoption. Just as she was about to finish all the redtape her husband died of a heart attack. A few months later my stepmom went to Paraguay to pick up Enrica.

Ok now here's some background on Enrica: Enrica was born to a Paraguayan mother and an Argentinan dad, and she has a twin brother named Evar. When she and her brother were infants their father was deported back to Argentina, never heard from again. His name is not even on the birth certificate. Enrica and Evar's mother turned to drugs and alcohol. When they were about one year old, the mother was arrested when she went into the street, naked holding a twin in each arm and singing. She was told that she could take some parenting classes and she would get her babies back. She went to the first class and never went back. Enrica and Evar went to a foster home. Evar was adopted by the foster family. Fast Forward to 3 years later...Enrica is adopted by my stepmom who lives in new york city.

Now Fast forward to 15 years later. Enrica is 18 and wants to see her twin brother and birth mother. She and my stepmom fly to paraguay and reunite the twins and everything is wonderful. BUT she really wants to see her birth mom. Friends of the family keep trying to make arrangements for them to meet but the birth mother just blows them off, says no, etc.

Ok now fast forward to now. Enrica is 24 and is still heartbroken that her birth mom wont see her. She is planning another trip to paraguay to see her brother and hopefully her birth mother. I really dont know what to say to console her...

[stafl]

I have no idea what to say to her. But I do know a woman who tells the other side of a very similar story. She was very young when her baby was born, the result of a gang-rape, the father unknown. She also turned to drugs and alcohol and her child was taken from her, or maybe she gave her up on her own, I'm not sure which, the story sometimes changes. Anyway, fast forward twenty years, the now-grown child wants to meet her bio-mom. But mom is very ashamed of her past, and is still in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil about giving her child away to adoptive parents. She let the baby go because she knew the adoptive parents could and would raise her in a much better environment than she could have provided, but it still broke her heart to let her child go. When the daughter tried to contact her, it brought all sorts of emotional trauma back to the surface, and she nearly went back to the drugs and alcohol that she'd given up over a decade earlier. It was that painful for her. No, she did not meet her daughter, and I honestly can understand why not.

[Hope'smom]

Re:

I wish I could say something that would help--but all I can do is share my personal experiences.
When I was in school, my best friend wanted to meet her birth mom. She was so happy growing up as an only child and loved her parents (adopted parents) very much. Her mom encouraged her to meet her bio-mom when the subject came up on her 18th birthday.
So she met her. Turns out, her bio-mom lived in a trailer park, the mom had nine other children, an abusive alcoholic husband (and had been married multiple times) who raped one of the daughters and the daughter gave birth to her own half-brother. She said the place was filthy and it was crazy to have so many people living in such a small place. The kids were rude and all of them had arrest records.
My friend was horrified. After she visited them she was so thankful that the bio-mom had the vision (at least at that moment) to give her up.
But it gets worse--after my friend got back home to her parents, her bio-mom started calling her and asking for money! This went on for months and months, the calls coming at all hours of the day, they became abusive and scary and threats were made. They finally got a restraining order and changed their phone number. Since they lived in another city and state, they felt certain that the bio-mom would stop. But then she started sending letters.
The letters finally ended when my friend's family had them arrested for breaking the restraining order. The last my friend ever heard was that the bio-mom was in a mental hospital. She never looked back and thanked God every day for her family. That's pretty extreme, but it's true--and it sounds like this bio-mom could have similar problems.

My husband was also adopted. He has no interest in finding out who his bio-mom is because he says that things are the way they are for a reason, and that's good enough for him. I think I am more curious because I wonder if our kids might have any family resembles down the line, but I respect his thoughts and I never mention it.

It sounds like meeting her brother was a great experience--and maybe she should leave at that, although I can understand why she would want to meet her bio-mom.
Good luck. I hope it all works out.