What and when to tell my DD?

[guest]

I'm not sure where this exactly belongs but I'm in the need of some advice.

I have been a member of MDC for a couple years and as of recently became an active poster. I don't want to use my real log in because I don't want anyone in my family or real life to stumble across this and be able to use it against me in the future.

My dilema is my DH is not my DD's biological father. The truth is I don't know who is her bio father. I have an idea, but I'm not sure. And the person I think it may be, I don't even know his name. I know, very very bad.

A little background (and I'm not justifing what I did, just some history) is I went through a rebellious phase at 18. I had a boyfriend with whom I was serious with since I was 14. My parents thought we were too young to be serious and they trashed the relationship. Once they found out we were having sex (I was 17, almost 18) they tried to have him prosecuted. It didn't work in their favor, but it put a lot of stress on the two of us and when I turned 18 I just wanted to hurt my parents. I broke up with my BF right before turning 19 and I went wild. I met a guy online and moved several hundred of miles away to live with him. He and I didn't have anything romantic, we were just roomates. I could have gotten a job, but instead I found prostetution to be easy fast money. I wasn't like a street whore, I worked more or less for an escort service.

It was a very bad time for me. I was smoking weed and drinking a lot. Never anything harder. I did this for about 4 months and thankfully had a wake up call. I met my DH (not through the escort service-nothing to do with sex). He and I would have heart to hearts and within a short amount of time I told him what I did and how aweful I felt. He was a big help in getting me out of that life. He was a mediator b/w me and my family and actually got me talking to my gram again and she let me go live with her. Within two weeks of moving in with my gram I found out I was pregnant. To that point, me and my DH never had sex.

Well he stood beside me and didn't pressure me for a relationship. He was a devout Christian at the time and he really lived the life we so often think Christians should lead. I became 100% clean and through my pregnancy we fell into a romantic relationship (still no sex). He went to prenatal apts with me and was there when my DD was born. (He lived far away, but would fly to be with me on the weekends - totally depleted his savings account) I guess I should mention when I met him I was living in a large vaccation desination - thus how I met him.

We were married a few months after my DD was born and we've since had children together. He and I never had sex until our wedding night. He's really a great guy and I love him with all my heart.

My problem is, my DD does not know he is not her biological father and I don't know what to tell her or when. My DD is almost 4 and I don't know if it's best to start approaching the subject now, or wait a while. All the advice I've ever gotten from people who know about this all say "you'll know when the time is right". I'm afraid I won't know, that time will pass, and my DD will hate me and be devastated. Very few people know about this, mostly just my family although a couple of very close friends know. I'm scared if I never tell her it will slip out from family.

My DH says its completely up to me as to when to tell her. We've agreed if he felt the time was right, he would tell me, again b/c I'm scared I'll never know the right time. My DH doesn't think about it, and everyone, including us often forget he is not her biological father. Many people even comment about how she looks like him. An outsider would NEVER know by looking at us about this deep dark secret.

So I'm asking for your advice. Every so often this starts to bother me and I never bring it up because I don't want to upset anyone. My DH and I talk about it, he never gets upset if I talk about it. It's just I would like the opinions from someone who has maybe BTDT, or counsels people in this situation, or just has some words that could help me get through these times.

Sooo.....anyone?

Edited to fix some spelling/language errors. Also to add, my parents and I have a very good relationship now. My whole family is extremely close, and they all adore my children and are the best grandparents anyone could ask for. My DH loves my family and they all love him as well.

[Irishmommy]

Has your dh adopted her? If so, I'd start with that. If not, and he is willing to adopt her, it would give you a good opening.

[MsMoMpls]

Wow! Darling this is a tough one. Do you need to ever tell her? I know things have changed and all this honesty about birth parents is really new but I just can't see what good can come of this one. Ok- so, likely she will someday find out from someone who knows. How many people are in on this? The fewer the better. It should never come slip up from someone else.

My mother told me about the baby she gave up for adoption when I was about 16. She told me for a lot of reasons, but one was that he had been adopted in our community, and was a year older than me. She got spooked when I told her my new boyfriend was adopted. She also wanted to talk to me about unplanned pregnancies. I know this isn't as shocking as your story but at 16, I was in a pretty good place to learn a "truth" about my brother. It was hard on my father, as he had offered to marry her and let her keep the baby but she felt that wouldn't be fair to either of them. This was such a serious secret that when she gave birth to me, she didn't even admit to the doctor that it was her second birth. Although, duh! I am pretty sure he had to figure it out.

Remember that genetics aren't that important. The man who loves her and raises her is her daddy. Her siblings are her siblings. Especially as you can never give her a "real" father, I am not sure taking away the only one she has is a great idea.

I would love to hear the opposing view. I don't think I have ever recommended lying to a kid before. Feels really tough. But you know, Dear Abby always says not to tell your deep secrets if it is only for your sake and will hurt the other person.

[emblmrgrl]

Hi there... I'll preface with a bit of my own situation. My oldest child, my DD, is adopted by my DH. She was about 2 1/2 when we started dating so he's been with her most of her life. Her bio father has never been a part of her life but when I was pregnant, I wasn't sure if he was her father or if it was my on/off boyfriend. I lived with the on/off boyfriend and he thought he was her dad until we separated when she was 11 months old. I told him I'd never been sure, we did DNA, she wasn't his. Boyfriend continued to be in her life until she was 4 1/2 and I chose to sever their relationship b/c she was getting confused about who was who. I was married by that time and she called my DH "Daddy". During the time we were saving money to do the adoption she started school. (I wanted the adoption so all the kids would stay together in the event something happened to me) I filed for a new birth cert. and had to have bio dad approve leaving her name the same, he wouldn't sign and wanted it changed. I then had to explain to her she had another father that she didn't know... she was 5. She'd thought she just didn't have a dad before DH.

In the end, we had her adopted and the name issue wasn't a problem but it was the beginning of telling her about this. I used examples of how "so and so" had 2 dads or "so and so" had a dad and a step-dad. That led to the fact that she had "Daddy" (DH) but someone else helped create her. I just take it in baby steps and someday she'll have all the pieces to the puzzle but as it stands, DH is her Daddy and she loves him. He's the one who coaches soccer for her and tucks her in and I know that's what she'll remember. I chose to tell her when she was young so that it wouldn't be a shock and cause a rift between she and I.

Anyway, I think my best advice if you're wanting to tell her is to start small and you can fill in the blanks as they arise. You sound like you have a good support system and that will make it so much easier for you... try not to be afraid of the truth, you may feel better when it's in the open with your DD.

[guest]

Well my DH did not have to adopt her. He signed the paternity papers at the hospital the day she was born. By that point we had already planned on being married and he knew he wanted to be her father. So his name is on her birth cert and everything. (That was probably illegal, I don't know, but no one outside my family knew anything about him not being her biological father).

Almost my whole family knows, and that's a lot of people. Plus, of course his family knows. (I have a good relationship with my IL's too BTW). A couple of my close friends know.

A situation did come up a few months ago. My cousin, 11 yrs old, was spending the night at my house. She said to me "Is (DH) (DD's) real father?" I said to her with a look on my face that was like Whaaa? "Of course he is her real father, why on Earth would you think differenly?" And she said she heard adults talking about how my DH was not DD's daddy. I said to her, "OMGosh, that's so silly. I wonder who they think is her father then." and tried to blow it off. Then I went to my room and called my Gram and yelled at her and cried. I asked her how my cousin could have overheard that b/c no one should be talking about it and she said "well everyone in the family knows, and you know how everyone talks." I used to blame and be angry with my Gram because she would tell people when I was preg. and living with her "we don't know who the father is" and crap. My family also loved DH because of his "moral values" that they would brag about him to everyone, so people knew he wasn't DD's bio. father. We've all learned since then and my Gram never talks about it now. You know, we've all learned from our mistakes. But those things can't be undone.

Also I don't know if this matters at all. But I am not "religious". I grew up in an extremely religious family and I refuse to live like that. My DH knew this long before we were married and he accepted it. It's hard to describe that situation and have it make sense. But my DH is just a good, supportive guy who loves his family with all his heart, and it shows. He believes his values and morals show through the way he lives, without forcing that onto others, if that makes sense.

I would never tell my DD the truth if I thought she would never find out. Partially because I don't want her to hurt a day in her life. I'll face the consequences of my actions, but I don' t want her to suffer, and unfortunately, I don't see a way around that. Thus the reason I'm searching for the time (still questioning, if there ever will be a time) to broach this subject with her and hurt her the least.

I guess it always would be an option of never telling her and denying it if she ever did find out. I just can't fathom lying to my baby girl, ever. It just seems like the easy way out. But then again, none of this is easy. And like you said, she'll never know her bio father because I have no idea where to even begin to find him. So as for medical history, I don't see that as an arguement for telling her.

Can you tell I'm extremely confused?

[guest]

Jennifer,

I've thought about what you did too. I've thought if I told her now, maybe she'd never question it again, but still remember enough to ask questions when she was older and more ready to know more.

But then, knowing my DD, I think she'd tell everyone. I think that would hurt my DH. I wouldn't ask her to keep it a secret, but I think as she is older, she might not want everyone to know our personal business.

My DD is very intrested in birth. I don't really want to say more on this subject, but she has been around several pregnant women and she's just in awe about it. I've thought, if she continues her intrest in how babies are made (we've always told her the truth, just not everything, make sense) that when I explain the actual "how babies are made" with the sperm and the egg etc. I would tell her then that her daddy did not give mommy the sperm. I dunno though. It was just another option I run through my mind.

Thanks for sharing your personal story though. I admire your willingness to sharte that with me.

[Laurel]

I"ll give the opposing view. Of course you have to tell her because this information is rightfully hers. Whether her bio father is in her life or not, he's in her DNA, he's in her biological history. He's a part of her, and nothing will change that. Knowing your parentage is a fundamental part of knowing yourself. It's not a matter or whether or not she'll find out. She *will* find out, especially since people other than you and your dh know. If she finds out from someone other than you, the results would be devastating. I imagine she would feel betrayed. Also, people sense when there are secrets. They may not know what they are, but they can sense when something just isn't quite right.

As far as when, that's a tough question. I'm an adoptive mom and we've talked about adoption with my toddler since he was born, even though he's been too young to understand. But it's allowed us to share information bit by bit. We have not talked about his birthfather yet, though. I will share that info when he gets old enough to have conversations about the facts of life. But I think for you things would be a little bit different. For me to tell my ds about his birthfather isn't that big of a deal since the really life-changing information has to do with the adoption itself. But for you, it's different. I would start as soon as possible. Perhaps you could look for ways to slowly share the secret rather than breaking it all at once. I think the first step is to share the fact that she has a different bio father--all the details surely do not need to be shared at this age. Do you ever have conversations about where babies come from? Since my ds is younger I don't know at what age those start, but it seems to me some preschoolers are asking about this? I would start there and explain that it takes a man and a woman, and another man helped make her, but now her daddy is her daddy. (That's very simplified, but that's the gist of what I would say at this age.) I would focus on how her Dad is still her Dad. I might not even refer to the birthfather as her dad--that part of the understanding can come later.

[Lula's Mom]

I agree with Maureen. When I was conflicted about a secret, I asked myself, how would it benefit this other person to know? I think that in cases like these, the truth is highly overrated. I am in favor of honesty with kids, but telling your girl this would not serve her in any way. I think she'd just feel suddenly insecure and irrreversibly different from your other children. My sister is adopted and was told from the beginning that she was. I never think of her as different from my other sister, but she does. I don't think it's wrong that my parents told her, because she may have had a desire to meet her birth parents as an adult (she doesn't, though). But that would not be possible for your daughter.

Since you have a good relationship with your family, there probably isn't anyone who's going to tell her out of spite or something. IF she ever does find out (probably years from now, when she can understand and handle the story anyway), I would just tell her that your DH is her Dad in every way that matters, and you don't know who the bio-father is. He's been with you since before she was born.

It sounds like you feel guilty about the past, and letting out this secret feels like it will finally absolve you. But I think your daughter will get hurt, and you'll be opening Pandora's Box... Don't feel bad about your past. Everybody has one. Just love your family and be who you are now.

ETA: I just read your next post, about how the young cousin overheard. I thought this was a secret everyone was actually keeping, like they don't talk about it!!! Well, since she actually is likely to hear it from someone else, I guess you should tell her. Maybe get advice from adoptive parents on how to gradually let her absorb this information. This sucks for you.

[mamalisa]

I haven't read all of the replies, so I apologize if I repeat anything. I just want to get my thoughts out there before I forget or get busy.

My dh has a different father than his brother and sister. He's 6 years older than his sis. She did not find out until she was 17 years old. It drove a huge wedge between her and her parents and she still doesn't trust them. There's a lot more to their situation, but this doesn't help. He's 18 years older than his brother and my bil will be devastated when he finally finds out. He's 13 now and has no clue.

Since it sounds like it's not too quiet of a secret with your family, I think you have to tell her yourself. Imagine her hearing about it at 13 or some equally horrible age for kids. You're not obgilated to tell her all the dark details, just what she needs to know. You were with someone and got pregnant. You moved away and met her daddy. She's only 4, you have time to figure out the right approach, but I personally do think she needs to know.
It's a tough situation for you.

Ok, now I will go read the rest of the replies

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by Guest

Well my DH did not have to adopt her. He signed the paternity papers at the hospital the day she was born. By that point we had already planned on being married and he knew he wanted to be her father. So his name is on her birth cert and everything. (That was probably illegal, I don't know, but no one outside my family knew anything about him not being her biological father).

This concerns me. I have no problem with it as long as everything is fine, but if you guys ever split up, or someone decided to cause trouble, you could be up the creek. I would strongly suggest he legally adopt her, even if you keep it private.

[wende]

If it's open talk in the family, she needs to be told...by you. She will eventually hear it. I'm sure it will come much easier hearing it from you. I also think the younger she knows, the better. I think you and dh need to sit down with her together and explain that he is her daddy but not her biological father, but that he loves her even more than she could imagine and that's what matters, not who helped make her. She may or may not bring it up. Dh will have to be understanding if she does. It is her birthright to know and it will be a much lesser blow if you, yourself, tell her now rather than waiting. I mean, God forbid, what if later on down the road you find out that she's contracted a genetic problem and you have to tell her then when she's already scared and stressed, you know?

I had to go through this exact same thing with my 10yo dd. When she was old enough to sort of understand I started having conversations with her about it. She accepted it as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Now that she's older she knows, but she doesn't think about it really. She asks questions very rarely and I answer them the best I can. She fully accepts my dh as her dad and he wasn't a part of her life until she was 7.

[Charles Baudelaire]

My problem is, my DD does not know he is not her biological father and I don't know what to tell her or when. My DD is almost 4 and I don't know if it's best to start approaching the subject now, or wait a while. All the advice I've ever gotten from people who know about this all say "you'll know when the time is right". I'm afraid I won't know, that time will pass, and my DD will hate me and be devastated. Very few people know about this, mostly just my family although a couple of very close friends know. I'm scared if I never tell her it will slip out from family.

My DH says its completely up to me as to when to tell her. We've agreed if he felt the time was right, he would tell me, again b/c I'm scared I'll never know the right time. My DH doesn't think about it, and everyone, including us often forget he is not her biological father. Many people even comment about how she looks like him. An outsider would NEVER know by looking at us about this deep dark secret.

So I'm asking for your advice. Every so often this starts to bother me and I never bring it up because I don't want to upset anyone. My DH and I talk about it, he never gets upset if I talk about it. It's just I would like the opinions from someone who has maybe BTDT, or counsels people in this situation, or just has some words that could help me get through these times.

Sooo.....anyone?

Edited to fix some spelling/language errors. Also to add, my parents and I have a very good relationship now. My whole family is extremely close, and they all adore my children and are the best grandparents anyone could ask for. My DH loves my family and they all love him as well.

Listen, I have one question to ask you:

What good would it do?
Seriously, HOW WOULD IT BENEFIT YOUR CHILD to know any of this information in any way?

Would it make her life better, or worse?

Would it make your relationship stronger, or weaker?

Does this stuff matter? You've fixed your life. In every respect except the merely biological, your DH has been your child's father.

Who else knows exactly what the deal is? If so, I would tell them to be quiet on the subject FOREVER or your relationship is done.

I'm not entirely sure your child needs to know this. I really am not convinced it's important for everyone to know everything about their parents' lives. As far as the counterargument of, "Well, DD should know because it's her DNA!" I could counterargue that her *real* dad is the one who kisses her every night before he tucks her in bed, and that's the end of the story.

I'd bury that knowledge. Seriously.

[Laurel]

[QUOTE=Charles Baudelaire]

"I really am not convinced it's important for everyone to know everything about their parents' lives. "

If this were just about the parents' lives, that would be one thing. But it's not. It's fundamental knowledge about *this child's* life and origins. That's what the issue is, to me.

" As far as the counterargument of, "Well, DD should know because it's her DNA!" I could counterargue that her *real* dad is the one who kisses her every night before he tucks her in bed, and that's the end of the story."

I'll respond to this since I"m the one who made the point about DNA. As an adoptive mom, I would make the same argument as you about who the child's *real* dad is. My own child's biological father is definitely not his *dad* and believe me, I don't mistake one role for the other. As far as this little girl goes, contributing to her DNA does not make the bio father her dad (in no way would I elevate him to that status), but it does make him an integral part of her history.

[kaydee]

It sounds to me like this is a secret that will not be kept, given your family's "loose lips." SO you probably do need to tell her (maybe not now, but in the next few years) that even though Dh isn't her biological father, he is absolutely her Dad and loves her tremendously and was there for her birth, and couldn't wait to meet her, and will love her forever, etc. etc.

Does your family know the exact circumstances under which she was conceived (the prostitution)? If not, then I see NO REASON to divulge the details to your dd, ever. That is your personal story, and keeping that private does her no harm. You could, at an age-appropriate time, tell her that you do not know anything about her biological father, and that although you wish you could tell her more about him, you cannot. If your family does know about your work for the escort service, and you think they are likely to blab, then this must probably be told, as well--but I would put that off til much later.

[myrrhmaid]

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire

Listen, I have one question to ask you:

What good would it do?
Seriously, HOW WOULD IT BENEFIT YOUR CHILD to know any of this information in any way?

Would it make her life better, or worse?

Would it make your relationship stronger, or weaker?

Does this stuff matter? You've fixed your life. In every respect except the merely biological, your DH has been your child's father.

Who else knows exactly what the deal is? If so, I would tell them to be quiet on the subject FOREVER or your relationship is done.

I'm not entirely sure your child needs to know this. I really am not convinced it's important for everyone to know everything about their parents' lives. As far as the counterargument of, "Well, DD should know because it's her DNA!" I could counterargue that her *real* dad is the one who kisses her every night before he tucks her in bed, and that's the end of the story.

I'd bury that knowledge. Seriously.

I am concerned about the way telling her this may make her feel. I've heard it said-if 1 parent is alive and not available-for whatever the reason-the child will internalize this as some defect/fault of their own and that creates shame.
If there was a remote chance in hell of finding this guy I'd say maybe. But she is blessed with her father of her life and that is the the most important thing.
I would start a journal for her that maybe you give her once she has been a mother for a while...or that she inherits. She has a right to know. She also has the right to the stability of her family as she knows it to stay intact so she can grow healthy in her world.
You are a courageous and thoughtful mother.

[eilonwy]

I have to preface this by saying that I'm a big fan of information. *Huge*.

If it was me, I would tell my family that they needed to keep their mouths shut about it, because it's none of their business. Then I would write a letter to my child explaining the entire situation, which I would lock up somewhere with my will and journal, along with a stipulation that it not be given to the child until they'd at least finished high school.

Many people have situations like this, and the only time anything comes of it is if the mother dies unexpectedly or the child develops a medical problem which either rules out the father as a parent automatically or necessitates blood typing which can, likewise, rule the father out. I read a study once which said that one in ten children is not biologically related to their apparent father. One in ten! It happens all the time, but you rarely hear about it in person because it rarely comes up.

Honestly, though, I'd sit on this one for at least 16 years. At least. My mother told me some things about her past and my father when I was a child, and I certainly could have gone without knowing most of it. Some of it I would have been happy never to learn, but even the stuff that I feel was important for me to know should have waited until I was much older, despite the fact that I spoke & acted like a miniature adult. Hearing certain things about your parents as a child... well, it messes you up. Seriously. I advise you to save it until she's older. I wish you luck making this decision.

eta: As to the legal paternity issue, there is none. (At least, not in PA. I'm pretty sure that this holds true in most states, though.) A man who signs a legal Acknowledgement of Paternity is, legally, the father of that child. By signing that form, he waives his right to DNA testing unless he can prove that he signed him under duress or was unfit (high, drunk, legally insane, etc).

Since you don't even know her biological father's name, it's unlikely that he knows you or that he knows you have a child; therefore he's not likely to challenge the paternity or sue you and/or your husband for custody. Since that is the case, you have nothing to worry about.

It is not technically illegal for a man who is not the biological father to sign an Acknowledgement of Paternity; it's just not a good thing to do if the biological father might ever be in the picture. Since you don't have to worry about that, you don't have a problem.

You can put anyone's name on a child's birth certificate; Jane Smith and John Doe can name their kid James Cornhusker, and noone will say boo. I don't think that the name of the father even has to be the same name as the person who signed the Acknowledgement of Paternity form, but I could be wrong on that. (I can't remember, I'll have to look up the law again when I get home.)

[Breathless Wonder]

Things like this DO come out over time, and being blindsided by them is incredibly painful. IME, it usually happens during a crisis, and is just that much worse for the timing.

[onlyzombiecat]

I think you should start telling her by age 5 since lots of people know and are talking about it. She will probably hear something. The information should come from you. You don't have to tell all of it.

I would first talk about how babies are made... and different ways that families are made. You can talk about single parents, adoptive families, traditional families, families without kids, etc.


I think I would talk about how in your dd's case you were not married and another man gave his semen to make a baby and that is how you got pregnant. I would say that you did not really know him or where he is now. (I would not talk about the escort service or drug use.) You can say that you regret that you don't know more. I would not use the word father for him. I would talk about meeting your dh. I would talk about going to appointments together, the birth, and deciding to be a family. Then go on to talk about how your other children joined your family.

[Valerie.Qc]

Oh my!

Not a comfy place to be... I know :

I don't think a good relationship can be built over a lie - if you want your dd to respect you, you need to tell her. I can be hard, it probably will - but she deserve to hear the thruth from her mother, not from anyone else.

You don't need to disclose "details" but she needs to know her dad is not her bio.

[sparkprincess]

I haven't had time to read all the posts, but I wanted to throw my opinion in here, for what it's worth.

When I was 10 years old, my mom informed me that my dad was not my real father. I wasn't devastated, but it was a shock. I really wish she would have told me sooner. I think the longer you wait the harder on her it will be.

I think that parents are kind of a foundation for a child's life. When you find out that the person you thought was your father ISN'T, it's kind of a blow. Again, in my opinion, the longer you wait, the harder that blow.

What I've read about your family and the fact that they ALL know your secret, makes me believe that it won't stay a secret forever. What a cruel blow to your daughter if she finds out down the road FROM SOMEONE ELSE!

I think a couple of posters mentioned giving her bits of info as is age appropriate. I second that advice. She doesn't need the whole story right now. I would even venture to say that you don't need to make a big deal of it at this age, either. You can be very nonchalant about it. Really impress on her that DH is her daddy and always will be.

Anyway, good luck with all this. You are obviously a good mamma with good intentions and I'm sure that whatever you decide to do, your little one will know that you had her best interest in mind.