What and when to tell my DD? - Page 4

[Kavita]

Originally Posted by Guest

I think we have decided to tell her...and soon. I like what Mama J Rock and Enviro Becca suggested as far as just telling her the story of how we met. I think it will make it easier on everyone if she just grows up knowing. *I* still don't want everyone in my family talking about it, but at least if my DD ever hears it from someone eles, she'll at least not be in the dark.

DH and I were talking and I told him I just didn't know how to go about telling her and it's all so confusing for me as to what is best for her. DH said if I wasn't comfortable telling her, he would be the one to do the explaining. Dh is a casual type guy and doesn't make a big deal out of things, even when they are a big deal. I told him thanks but I really want the both of us to be there to tell her. We can both play it casual though.

I'm glad that you've come to a decision. You sound a little more peaceful in this post.

I had an idea--maybe you could make a little book about it! Kids love stories about themselves and their families. You could put some scrapbook pages together or even buy a blank book, paste some photos, and write the text. Like, "Once upon a time there was a woman named Jane" (Picture of you.) "Jane was very excited, because she was going to have a baby soon, and she knew that it was going to be a very special baby indeed." (Picture of you pregnant.) "Jane used to sit and feel her baby moving in her belly, and dream about how she was going to hold her and rock her and feed her and love her forever." "Jane had a very special friend named Jack." (Picture of your DH.) "As time went on, Jane also started sitting and dreaming about Jack, and how she loved him and would like him to be her husband." "Jack also started dreaming about Jane, and how he loved her and would like her to be his wife." "Sometimes when the baby kicked, Jane would put Jack's hand on her belly so that he could feel the baby's tiny foot. Jack also started sitting and dreaming about the baby, and about how much he loved her and wanted to be her father." "So Jack and Jane decided that they would get married and be a family together" (wedding photo or photo of the three of you or something.)

Something like that!! You could get creative with it, and expand it to your younger kids too (like maybe you both liked being a mommy and daddy so much that you decided to make another baby!)

[Kavita]

Oh, and that you all live happily ever after--because it's the most important part, and because it's TRUE!!

[mamawanabe]

Originally Posted by Guest

I told him thanks but I really want the both of us to be there to tell her. We can both play it casual though.

Thanks for all the replies and I'm sorry I don't check in more often. It's just really difficult for me to be reminded of this. It is something I have to take responsibility for and deal with. Thanks for being so kind to me as well.

She is four right?! Most likely she isn't going to remember being told (that is if you and/or your dh tell her - if she hears it outside the home it might make a big enough impression that she'd remember). So, really, it doesn't matter, except perhaps to you, who is there the first time it is mentioned. And you will have to mention it more than once. In fact, it might not even register with her the first couple of time. What you want is for it to be there as background knowledge for when she is old enough to comprehend it. You just want to weave it into the narrative of your family's story.

And I don't quite get how you haven't taking responsibility for "it." Because you hadn't mentioned it to your daughter yet? But she really is just now at the age where she could even begin to register her origin. I hope by "It is something I have to take responibility for and deal with" you don't mean some kind of mental self-punishment. You didn't do anything "wrong," you know. I mean, exchaning sex for money isn't the "healthiest" or the "safest" behavior, but, honestly, most 20 year olds are exchanging sex for something (attention, validation, boredom). I don't know why money would be worse. Ideally, and perhaps morally, sex would always be about love and commitment, but that isn't the reality for 60% or more of 20 year olds.

I know it was painful (and it prob is harder on a person to exchange sex for money than for attention because of the transparency of the transaction), but you really have to be kind to yourself on this one. At least as kind as a bunch of strangers on a message board