Therapists: Did they help you or ruin your life?

[mother_sunshine]

I hope I'm not offending anyone with this question. If so, I apologize in advance.

I started seeing a feminist psychologist several months ago out of desperation (for my marriage). I have never been into the idea since I have a hard time putting my life in the hands of strangers and I don't like other people telling me what I should and shouldn't do. Well...that is basically what is happening to me.

She is an 80+ year-old woman who has BTDT, so I see her as a wise elder who knows what she's talking about. We have a lot in common re: our views on the World and on life. So I have come to trust her. Trouble is, she is helping me to realize that my marriage should have never happened in the first place. I won't go into details, but I am realizing that the only reason dh and I are hanging on is because we don't want dd to grow up how we did.

I don't know what I'm even asking......Maybe for anyone's insight who is willing to give it, to help give me different perspectives? Has anyone here been positively or negatively affected by a psychologist? My head is literally spinning and I feel like I'm losing control over my life.

[melaniewb]

A good therapist will listen to you and help you focus on what YOU want, but shouldn't give you overt advice or flat out tell you do something. I'm working on my Counseling credentials right now, so this is all drilled in my head.

I'm not sure if this therapist has just told you the marriage was a mistake, or if you came to that conclusion on your own with her help???

In general though, a therapist should help you and not hurt you. However, in the process, there will usually be difficult issues to deal with that seem really painful at the time. If you are uncomfortable with anything though, do bring that up with the therapist as well.

[Orange Crayon]

A good therapist will listen to you and help you focus on what YOU want, but shouldn't give you overt advice or flat out tell you do something.

I agree with this..

[bellee]

First off, congrats on the self weaning, way to go Mama!

Second, I saw a theripist for awhile for anger issues and I think she really helped me. I wouldn't go back to her specifically but I would see someone else.

For you, maybe since you two are very in tuned with one another, you and her can brainstorm ways to improve your marraige, sparking new interests, to creat new bonds maybe? I wouldn't want a therapist bringing me down about anything without helping me back up ya know.

[Arduinna]

I agree with the previous posts. And our life and marriage has been greatly improved by therapy.

[BrooklynDoula]

Never had a good expereince personally but I never had good therpists, and I imagine there most be some of worth out there somewhere!

[DebraStorm]

I personally thought it was a waste of my time.

[carolsly]

I had to go see a counselor before I could have gastric bypass and I went back to her after my surgery as I still had issues with food. Just because I had surgery doesn't mean that my deamons have gone away. I saw an actual psychiatrist, but she believed in behavior therapy and not medication. I really enjoyed seeing her. She focused on self talk with me and that worked wonders. I still talk to myself freqently and have her to thank for it.

If you are having problems in your marriage that you can't seem to solve by yourselves then you need some kind of extra help. Finding a caring counselor that you share values with is so important. If you think that she is not what you are looking for then ask him/her for a referral. Just like regualr MD's not every Dr. is suited for every patient. You need to know what your goals are before you can ask for help. Many blesses..

[MamaMonica]

I also agree a therapist should never tell you what to do. I got a lot of help from a therapist in my 20s- she was a Jungian therapist and very kind, wise grandmotherly-type. My life improved and I was happy with the therapy.

[mandib50]

i agree therapists shouldn't tell you what to do, but the best therapist i had challenged me and pointed out the "obvious" and even though it was painful to realize those truths about myself, it was one of the best things for me and i am grateful for it.
mandi

[RachelGS]

I AM a therapist, and I've been helped by therapy myself. If you are uncomfortable with your therapist, you should see someone different. If your disconfort is with bumping up against painful stuff, that's not a therapist problem...but it IS something to talk about in therapy.

I agree that a good therapist should never tell you what to do. Advice and therapy are not the same thing. By the same token, good therapy almost always involves some challenge. It should be supportive challenge, IMO, but usually movung through pain involves making some changes, and a good therapist can help you recognize where and how it feels right to you to do that.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by mother_sunshine

Trouble is, she is helping me to realize that my marriage should have never happened in the first place. (

Never "should" have happened? Whose definition of "should"? There is no "magic" person we are "supposed" to marry. And what purpose does that line of thinking serve, anyway? What good does it do to decide you "shouldn't" have married him?

Is he abusive? Cheating on you? If so, that's a different story.

But if not, then what difference does it make whether or not you "should" have married him? You did, you have a child together, and you can choose to work on your marriage, or choose not to.

I probably "shouldn't" have married my dh. But I did. And most days we make it work, and we love each other.

I've seen about five therapists; one was mildly helpful, one was downright scary, one messed up my marriage for awhile, and a couple were in the middle of the road.........not helpful but not hurtful .

[meowee]

Well, since you opened up the can of worms, I'll say that in my extensive experience with the psychiatric system, most psychiatrists and psychologists are pathological narcissists. Yes, this is a sweeping statement, but I feel I've had ample enough experience to say it. And it's JMO, after all.

I would NEVER take life changing advice from a shrink. Most of them have very screwed up lives and serious troubles of their own. Many of them are in it for the money and "PLAYING GOD." Most have egos the size of North America.

There ARE nice shrinks out there but they are few and far between. Don't end your marriage until you've detoxed from this "elder and wise" therapist for a good long time. this is your decision, you don't owe her diddly squat.

[RachelGS]

Good heavens. I am so sorry to hear that some of you have had such horrifying experiences. I KNOW there are narcissistic quack shrinks out there, but to say that most of them are pathological, in it for the money, and playing God is just cruel and inaccurate. My "in it for the money" involved over a hundred thousand dollars of student loans and working for literally nothing for seven years while I trained. Now that I have my degrees, I will ALWAYS have a percentage of pro bono cases in my practice. Hello. Many of my colleagues are the most cautious, supportive, sensitive, thoughtful people I have ever met, and ALL of them quiver at the idea that they know better than their clients what should happen in that person's life. I'm really angry reading your post. It's like saying, after working with a standoffish midwifery group, that good midwives are few and far between and that most of them just want to get a look at women's naked bodies. Yowza.

[tinybutterfly]

I've seen three therapists...one awful ( so I quit seeing her) and two who have been helpful. My dh and I have a fairly bumpy ( used to be very bumpy) marriage, but things are getting better. It has been hard work...but at least with dh I know what I have. I wouldn't even want to start over with someone else at this point. I had a friend who had been married three times. She said you just trade one set of problems in for a new set of problems. No marriage or relationship is perfect and they all require work. Good luck.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by RachelGS

I KNOW there are narcissistic quack shrinks out there, but to say that most of them are pathological, in it for the money, and playing God is just cruel and inaccurate.

Sorry, you don't know my experiences. If you knew half of it you'd know WHO was cruel and inaccurate. there are countless victims of psychiatric abuse.

If you're one of the nice shrinks out there, no need to get defensive.

[MamaAllNatural]

Mother Sunshine I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't have any personal experience to offer. It does sound like the best thing would be a marriage counselor that both you and dh can go to so you can see if the marriage can be saved. Unless there is abuse going on I think it's worth giving it a try. What does dh think about this?

Please PM me if you need to talk.

[babybugmama]

Originally Posted by meowee

Sorry, you don't know my experiences. If you knew half of it you'd know WHO was cruel and inaccurate. there are countless victims of psychiatric abuse.

If you're one of the nice shrinks out there, no need to get defensive.

It would be difficult not to get defensive when one's chosed life path is challenged for its virtues.

Like Rachel, I too practice in mental health. I make very little money, which is fine. (okay sometimes it's not when I'm worried about the bills - point is, I ain't in it for the money!) I do NOT think I'm God and get very nervous when a client puts me on a pedestal. Like all vocations there are whack jobs present, including mental health. What I will offer for *advice* is choose wisely. If your gut tells you this person is not right for you, go elsewhere. If at any time you feel the person is not right for you address it with them. Sometimes through therapy one discovers truths they wish had remained uncovered. A good therapist will support and possibly guide one through this discovery never leaving them without adequate coping skills and support to move through it.

I would say more, but I have a dd who wants a story read.

edited to add: When I spoke of advice, I meant that was the only time I would give advice which is right at the beginning and even so it is put as a responsiblity the client holds to decide whether I am the right fit for them or not.

[Irishmommy]

I've been to a few, and some helped, some didn't, but none made it worse.

[Mom4tot]

(((Michelle)))

I am a therapist (tho, not currently practicing) and have been in counseling and therapy (group and individual). The right therapist for you may not always say the right thing or be perfect, but they should be someone *you* are comfortable with, because then you will listen and trust them. Also, good therapy can be like taking a part a car engine. It can be a mess for awhile, but you need to stay long enough to put it back together. I wish you the best and I am here for you, too.