Fear and Respect

[Sahara]

Hi Mamas, I need your help. This is a long post, and I hope that some of you can take the time to help me hash this out. I want to say in advance that if any of you who know me personally read this, please don't judge me.
We are having some behavior issues with our son, who is going to be 4 in March. Our home was severely damaged by the hurricanes that passed through this area last summer/fall. We have not been able to live in it since September, and have been living with my husbands parents. Our son was deeply affected by the damage done to the house, seeing the ceilings fallen in and his playset thrown into the screen porch. He had nightmares for a month or two. He is still stressed by the loss of his room, the fact that many of his belongings are still packed up in boxes, our routine has been demolished, and we are living in someone elses house. My in-laws are great, generous to have accepted us into their home with our two small children and very hectic lifestyle, and generally supportive of our parenting decisions. But, their house is a grown-up house, their rules are different from ours, and they disciplined their own kids differently.
We are all pretty unhappy right now, and between taking care of our younger daughter, who is 11 months old, overseeing the restoration of our house, and trying to keep up with our personal chores in someone elses house, theres barely enough time to stay connected to each other. All of our relationships are suffering a little bit, even though we make conscious efforts to spend time on our marriage and with our children. We can't have the regular homecooked meals we were all used to because of my now hectic schedule, and the fact that my MIL's cooktop is used for storage. They rarely cook, most of it is done in the microwave.
All this leads to discipline, I swear
DS has been so emotional, and so quick to have a fit lately, it's been really tough. He's started hitting and kicking me, and showing a lot of aggressive behavior in general, toward both myself and DH, and some to his sister. This morning he hit me and then pushed a highchair over in the kitchen because I didn't have time to do a craft with him. We had been playing one-on-one for about 20 minutes before that incident. I don't think he knew the chair would fall over, but tell that to grandpa. He desperately wants me and my time, more than I have to offer him. He's angry about so much, and I don't know exactly how to help him with his feelings. Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if we weren't living under the constant watch of my in-laws. They think the answer is to spank. They haven't pushed the idea much, but this morning my MIL, who is generally fabulous and a very attentive, attached grandma, said that she firmly believes that kids need to fear their parents a little bit in order to respect their authority, and that kids didn't used to get so out of line and disrespectful when spanking was the norm, children weren't given so many choices, and mature media wasn't directed specifically to children.
Personally, I think that children thrive on consistency and a sense of limits. As a child I had permissive parents, who snapped into spanking mode when things got out of control. So, I promised myself that I would give my children clear guidance without resorting to hitting. I still think that can be done in this situation, but I could use some help brainstorming how to give my little guy back some peace of mind.
I greatly appreciate any ideas you mamas have to give, our family is hurting and I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.
Steph

[our veggie baby]

I am so sorry!!!

Hi there! First I want to tell you that I am so sorry your house had so much damage during the hurricane, I live in Flordia too (Orlando) and thank God we came out of everything generally unscathed...thankfully your family is okay (physically anyway!)...and I am very sorry to hear about the problems your son has been having!

Well, I am still pregnant with my first child so you might take my words with a BIG ol' grain of salt because I haven't been in the trenches yet, so to speak. I just wanted to offer a bit of my own opinion on how we are going to *try* to raise your daughter.

I think maybe (which you touched on) that your son is suffering because his routine has been greatly deviated from! Of course this was due to necessity, but to him it is like his world has spun off its axis. One thing that stuck out to me was the nightmares---it sounded a bit to me like he may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), in which case, it is important you seek some counseling for him ASAP!! I am not saying that you and your partner haven't tried to reassure him, talk to him, etc---but I think maybe a counselor may have some better tools to more effectively work through it. If you can't afford it, or don't have time, I would suggest you talk to him about it more. Ask a lot of questions and do A LOT of reassuring that his feelings are normal, that you realize it was very scary, that you know it must have been very frightening for him, --validate EVERYTHING he is feeling---some people have the tendency to be kind of like "aww, but it's all over now sweetie"---which is from the best of intentions, but to him, it is NOT over....have him draw pictures, etc---I am not saying to push the issue, but since you are doing renovating on the house tc, I am sure it comes up at least sometimes---

Anyway, on to your family! I adamantly DISAGREE with your parents (respectfully) that children should have a little fear of their parents. I think that children should fear the CONSEQUENCE, not the parents---and there is a BIG difference in my opinion. There should always be a consequence to an action---a positive one for a positive action, a negative one for a negative action---easier said than done right? I know! That is where routine comes in again though---of course when you first start implementing these great new rules, your son is going to buck the system because he is totally not going to be into it---the key is, whatever it is, there has to be a consequence--whether it is a time out, taking away a special toy, or tv privledges, or making bedtime a half an hour earlier, or something that will really mean something to him and will be upsetting to him if he loses it----the key is TO BE CONSISTENT!!!! Kids are VERY smart and aware, he is going to see right through your Ms. tough guy act if you say ALRIGHT NO TV...then he whines and begs and crys enough and whoop, on comes the TV....and he WILL whine and cry and beg the first couple of times....
The other key, which may make it harder in your situation, is that EVERYONE has to be on board. It can't be one way with grandma, the other with grandpa, the other with mom etc....sure grandparents can *spoil* and things when you travel to their house etc, but seeing as you are LIVING there for now, it can't be that way for now---it has to be consistent---
Before you punish, warn your son "biting is not acceptable, if you bite one more time, mommy is taking away your video and putting you in your room for 4 minutes" (one minute of time out for year of age)....he will test you, so expect it! When he does it, re-enforce it, "okay, you didn't listen to mommy when she told you not to bite and you bit again, now we are going to your room and no video".....and then MOST importantly DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTT......there WILL be crying, there WILL be begging, there WILL be a tantrum, their MAY be an "i don't like you mommy"....but ya gotta follow through....then when the time out or whatever is over, explain to him what happened again so it re-enforces things "mommy put you in your room because you were biting and biting is not acceptable in this family. Mommy doesn't like putting you in your room because she loves you, but mommy doesn't like it when you bite either"....or some variation of that----

To me, that is what we are going to try to do, because I don't want my child fearing ME, I would much rather they fear the consequence of their action---it takes a few times for them to know you mean business, but to me, unlike spanking where YOU become a source of fear for your children, it is more the CONSEQUENCE that upsets them and helps them to behave---because let's face it, we ALL like to do what we want and have the things we want, children may be MORE selfish because they haven't yet learned that the world doesn't revolve around their every want and need---so the learning of behavior/consequence also teaches them life tools in my opinion because in life, NO one is legally allowed to hit you if you misbehave, but in life, the removing or privledges, etc is pretty much the form of punishment (you bite someone at work, you get fired, not beat lol)....

I think though, a lot of it is him acting out over the feelings he may still have over the hurricane etc...and if you get to the root of that, you stand a good chance of getting back the well-behaved boy you know and love!
Please do take care, and let us know how you are doing!!
Like I said, I am not in the "trenches" yet, so take my words with a grain of salt, but these are tactics I have seen work on almost every child whos parents employed them!!
Good luck to you and don't give up or give in to spanking!!!

[Embee]

First, I'm terribly sorry about what's happened in your lives. It must be terribly difficult living under these circumstances, and of course, trying to help your little one understand and cope as well.

The first thing that jumps out at me in your post (beside that you are a sensitive, intuitive and caring parent trying to do your very best in a difficult situation), is that this whole situation with your DS is clouded by living and being "under the constant watch" of your in-laws. Something tells me if this (significant) altercation to your lives were to suddenly disappear, you might have a clearer vision of how to cope. Not sure how this helps at all, given that your choices are probably not great, but it's something to keep in mind. It's nice that your in-laws have afforded you somewhere to stay, but it is not within their jurisdication to give parenting advice, period. Your parenting mus not be affected by what they think no matter what the situation. To much at stake.

3 to 4 is an emotional age. I find DS to be much more in tune at this time (turned four earlier this month) and things that used to fly over his head are much more important and significant in his life. His emotions are much more raw, unpredictable and extreme in either direction. AND, we have not suffered such tragedy as you have. That said, I find that it helps me to keep in mind that behavior of this sort comes from a place of powerlessness, rather than the reverse. The upset to your own home, and the subsequent living with the in-laws, a HUGE change to his young life. Right now, it's clear he's trying to tell you exactly how he feels. He can't do so in the traditional way because he's just so very young. Instead, his actions are speaking volumes. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka says in her book, Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles, "If a child isn't acting right, it's because he's not feeling right."

You are no doubt incredibly overwhelmed by all you are trying to accomplish right now and I do imagine that it's just not at all easy to stop and make those connections your DS so needs, your time and energy are at a minimum I can only imagine! Alas, my very best suggestion is to make the time as best you can to connect with your DS where he lives. Playful Parenting has taught me much about working through issues with kids through play and it's been an amazing experience. Allowing children to guide play as a means to allow them a safe place to work through whatever issues they may be having. Also, because his behavior is (IMO) linked to a strong sense of powerlessless over the situation, it would probably be helpful for him to be empowered in some way to allow him to feel better and work through all that's happened/happening. I've found that no matter what the issue with DS (and we've definitely had our issues), there is no substitute for me just plopping down on the floor and spending some focused time with him. Allow him to call the shots for awhile. It's an appropriate and safe place for him to be in charge. It can also open huge doors into his mind so that you as a parent can see through the behavior and help him with what's fueling it... role playing either with yourselves or stuffed animals, figures... these things I have found immensely helpful (among other things).

I wish you the very best. I do hope that things will settle for you soon. I really can't begin to imagine what you've been through and you have my support and sympathies.

Take good care,
Em

[mommyofshmoo]

This sounds so tough!

My dd is 2.5 and sometimes gets overwhelmed because due to lots of travel and daddy being a way a lot things are never all that stable at home.

That said- your situation is really tough. I do commisterate though because me dd is in a very negative phase right now which may or may not have resulted from a recent trip we took which was a little too much for us both to handle.

First piece of advice: I seriously doubt that kids were ever any better behaved than they are "today." All sort of studies show that parents have selective memories about their kid's childhoods. Some kids who are spanked become scared and withdrawn and maybe depressed and therefore seem well behaved, but I doubt that's most kids.

There are many steps to discipline that can occur before people resort to spanking- but I find that most spankers don't do any of them. I am adamantly against spanking, and I honestly feel it's unecessary if a parent is creative about discipline. My dh was spanked and his parents drive me crazy with their permissiveness. My guess is that dd and his brother were very badly behaved, except the once a week or so when they were told to "wait in their room till daddy comes home".

I don't know if taking away future priviledges would work with a four year old. I'm a fan of the "time out to calm down." When dd gets out of control I either let her be alone in her room or sit with her, depending on when she seems to need. I try to make it a non punitive situation, but a chance to re-group.

Another idea would be to plan more out of the house activities, especially ones on a schedule- maybe he could do a preschool a few hours a day if you can afford it. Stuff to give structure, get him out of the house, and give him a sense of a new life.

Finally, understand that your in laws are probably just getting aggitated because it is hard dealing with a kids who's having a hard time. when they say something, ask them if they would like you to take the kids out for a while, or into another room. this is not to make your life more difficult, but to help THEM understand that THEY are having a problem righ now, too, and maybe THEY should do something to help themselves rather than blaming others for their discomfort.

Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck!

[Dodo]

Wow, Sahara. That sounds so hard. I had no idea that your house was hit.

Embee put it so well. Your post has all the answers to your own question. It doesn't seem to be a matter of "time-out" or "consequences", but of lifestyle.

The challenges:

- establish a more acceptable routine for your son
- find a way to integrate more home-cooked meals into busy schedule
- address lingering fears regarding storm (through play? books?)
- remember that your ILs are your gracious hosts, not your co-parents

The best of luck!

[inthesnow]

First, I am so sorry about what you and your family have been through.

I certainly agree that your ds' age is an emotional one. Which makes it even tougher, especially when you have another dc and your whole life and routine are out of whack!

As far as the home cooked meals...is there a friend's house you could go to once and week and use her kitchen to prepare at least a few homecooked dinners that you could freeze and microwave later in the week?

I absolutely think you are being very strong to keep your beliefs as far as parenting your kids especially being with the grandparents all of the time. That would be hard. Just remember that you are doing the right thing. Fear does not help children in the long term. Maybe it gives instant results, but long term growth is through gentle, loving guidance.

I guess I don't have too much in terms of words of wisdom. I don't know if you have the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." Great great book...some of it is more applicable as they get older but I find it REALLY helpful for me when my dds are going through particularly rough periods. (Like right now because we just moved across country)

Anyway, hang in there. Don't forget to take care of yourself too!!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Oh man, I have a hard time keeping my cool and my life has none of the challenges you are trying to cope with. My sincere admiration to you for all you are trying to do!

Obviously, I disagree with your IL's suggestions. I wonder, too, if they would really have done such "heavy duty" discipline after such a traumatic experience in their own family? Even if I thought spanking was a good form of discipline, now does not seem like a time to have such high expectations.

I think the others have hit some of the most important ideas already. See if you can figure out how to get a routine back, get out of the house as much as possible, get creative about meals (have your discussed a desire to cook for all in the house with your ILs? How could they pass up such an offer?), maybe consider options like preschool or other things you might not consider at other times.

Of course, the real answer here is to get back to your normal living arrangement. Is there an end in sight? Can you start telling your little guy, "Only X weeks" or something? I assume that your insurance didn't cover any sort of temporary living expenses, or you would have done that (assuming you had insurance, of course). Have you explored what your insurance, or government disaster relief, or donated relief, might pay for to help? Maybe there are resources out there for councelling or something for him. Even if you don't really want to go that route, if you started you could say "the doctor/therapist/councelor said not to do X" as a graceful way to tune your ILs out.

Good luck.

[UnschoolnMa]

Some really good stuff has already been said above, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about your home, and the stress it has placed on you all. Hugs, and peace to your and your family. Hang in there!

[Linda KS]

I'm so sorry about everything your family is going through! It's sounds like your little guy has plenty to fear in his life without adding his mommy to the list!

A phrase that worked well for me when we had conflict with extended family was, "I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is the way that DH and I have decided to raise our kids."

[Ruthla]

Aww, hugs!!!

This must be so tough on all of you. Your in-laws were very gracious to open up their home to you, in spite of the way it must be turning their lives upside-down as well. Try to see it from their perspective- they're probably just as frustrated as you are, so it's understandable that they'd be cranky or impatient at times. It's been a very long time since their children were preschoolers and they may have forgotten what it's like/how much to expect of a 4yo. Plus, none of their kids went through this type of trauma at age 4 so this is all new to them as well. It can be very frustrating to be that close to the situation but not have the authority to handle it the way you'd like to!! It sounds to me like they've been making an effort to support your parenting decisions- but they're still human and it's understandable that some of their frustrations will come out at times.

I don't have any specific advice for you- it sounds like you know what you need to "do" but you could just use some encouragement. To the best of your ability, try to enjoy this time with your in-laws and be thankful that your children are getting to know their grandparents so well.

[lilyka]

Sorry didn't read all the responses. Have you considered some kind of counseling for him? he could still be very messed up over the whole hurricane thing even if he isn't coming out with it. I am a rational adult and I would have trouble sleeping and feel pretty insecure about the strength of our home if I had seen playsets knocked over and roofs caved in. It would totally mess me up.

I htink it is normal to expect short fuses in your situation. I lived with MIL for 3 weeks and while i love them to death and love spending time with them it just about did me in. My children were about the same ages as yours. What helped us was a very detailed consistant routien with play time built in. i had to completely give up free time so I could keep the children busy in reletively neat activities to keep them from geting into stuff. I tried to keep us in confined spaces for a portion of the day. again to keepthem from getting into to stuff and the less time we were in the presence of my Ils the more time I could spend being myself instead of mom on a stage. It was stressful but it was better than trying to sit and read a book while dd get into the un-childproofed cabinets. also activities outside the house rocked my socks off. especially regular ones.

and for the love of pete. clean off her stove and start cooking. In the middle of our stay wiith MIL they left town for a week and jut cooking our own meals went so far for us. also locking some doors andmoving some things

[Sahara]

Thank you all so much for giving such quick reponses, I have been looking forward to sitting down and checking this post all day.

ovb, you are going to be a GREAT mama! So many of the things you've said hit home with me. I should have mentioned that we did some counseling, and now I'm taking a really great parenting class that is helping me work out the complexities of what's going on with our family right now. We've done a lot of talking, but no drawing which is an excellent idea and one I'm going to put into practice tomorrow!

embee, you hit the nail on the head. He is overwhelmed by his powerlessness, and we all agree that he is trying to have some control by acting out and getting a reaction and some attention from us, particularly me. You also mentioned two of my very favorite parenting books, in fact the class I'm taking right now is pretty much along the same model as the jellyfish/backbone/brickwall model she uses.

shmoo-I didn't mention that DS is in a 3 hr/day Montessori program that he loves, and it is the one regular thing in his day, well that and our morning and nighttime routines. I have been so thankful for that resource. You are so right, my in-laws get agitated by all the noise and commotion, the frequent outbursts, and the general energy drain of two small children. It's tough on everyone, but I haven't ever said that straight to their faces, it would probably be good to get that out in the open. i've been a little reluctant to be too open with them because they aren't my parents, and they are a very uncommunicative family in general. But, I'm starting to feel pretty at home with them

Dodo - "remember that your ILs are your gracious hosts, not your co-parents" That is a really good point, and they have definately become co-parents to some extent, not entirely their fault either. We take advantage of our captive babysitters to go meet the drywall guy or pick out shingles, and they inevitably get drawn into discipline issues with my son.

inthesnow - we don't really have time to regularly go to yet another house for part of our day, but I am really trying to work in more home cooking, my MIL made a nice dinner tonight, which she has done about 3 times since we've been here. I've made a few meals too, but she's so particular about her kitchen it is nervewracking. That is one of my other favorite parenting books, How to talk..., and I need to review it because DS is getting more and more verbal every day.

E&AsMom-Our insurance has been great overall, they have covered all of the damage so far, and been very generous about our added living expenses. They offered to rent us a house on a month-by-month basis, but living so close to Disney the only thing we could find was vacation homes, none of which allow dogs, and they are on the other side of the county. At the time they wouldn't pay for anything if we signed a long-term lease, meaning 7 months or more, but now it looks as though we will have been out of the hosue at least that long. We probably have about 2 months left, maybe a little less if we get lucky and the last few trades move fast. We've been trying to get him excited by showing him his bedroom getting put back together. It was a big deal when they put his ceiling back in, and got all of the wet nasty insulation out of the house. He picked out the new paint for his walls, too. Now he LIKES to go to the house to see who's working there and what kind of tools they have. It hadn't occurred to me to ask the insurance company to pay the bills for the therapist. She wasnt' covered by our health insurance, and each session was $115. By the way, the play therapy she uses is really neat, she made a lot of headway helping him connect his anger to his behavior, what is appropriate and what isn't.

Unschoolnma, thanks for your words of encouragement!

Linda KS - That is a phrase I have memorized at this point, I think I could say it in my sleep. That and, "Mmmm, I'll keep that idea in mind"

Ruthla - Yes, my in-laws are absolutely amazing, particularly my MIL. I have been so thankful for their generosity and support, this is why it took me almost 5 months to even complain out loud about the situation. We all get worn out by being together so much, it doesn't help that they all work together in the family business, so it is family 24/7 around here! One thing that bothers me is that because they have taken such a pro-punishment stance with DS he is actually not enjoying their company as much. I think they are trying to be supportive, and support our discipline as best they can, but it is a strain on all of our relationships. It's harder for me to be an inconvenience, since they are in-laws and not my own parents.

lilyka, I should have mentioned the counseling earlier, I was trying to keep things short. We have finally picked up on that idea, to keep ourselves out from underfoot by isolating ourselves somewhere. We hang out in our bedroom at night after 'dinner', and do our whole bedtime routine up there where we are alone. You are right, I just have to start cooking.

Again, thanks to you all. The encouragement and words of wisdom here are so refreshing.
Warmly,
Steph

[our veggie baby]

ovb, you are going to be a GREAT mama!

Thanks for that, I thought after reading over my post that the discipline I mentioned may have been too "mean"!!

Good luck with everything and please do let us know how you are doing!!!

[Charles Baudelaire]

Originally Posted by Sahara

DS has been so emotional, and so quick to have a fit lately, it's been really tough. He's started hitting and kicking me, and showing a lot of aggressive behavior in general, toward both myself and DH, and some to his sister. This morning he hit me and then pushed a highchair over in the kitchen because I didn't have time to do a craft with him. We had been playing one-on-one for about 20 minutes before that incident. I don't think he knew the chair would fall over, but tell that to grandpa. He desperately wants me and my time, more than I have to offer him. He's angry about so much, and I don't know exactly how to help him with his feelings.

Sahara, I hope this will help. My dd is a pretty verbal kid, but I think it's tough even for a very verbal kid to express the often contrary, inchoate, and downright scary emotions they're feeling and so they let them out physically.

In our house, we have a rule: no hitting, no kicking. No hitting ourselves, others, or things, and same with kicking.

When my dd is out of emotional control, I hold her in my lap. Yeah, it's restraint, but putting myself back in my own head when I was having temper tantrums, they were scary because I felt so wild inside, like I was splitting apart and would go flinging into little pieces everywhere like a tornado. I felt like I was coming apart, and to me, being held would have made me feel safer, deep down. It would've pi&&ed me off, yes, but deeper down where it counts, it would have made me feel like my mother loved me even though / even when I was having a tantrum. Instead, she locked me in my room until I was through, which made me feel horrid, abandoned, and really out of control.

If she hits or kicks, I hold the hand/foot and tell her, "We don't hit or kick in this family. I will not let you hit or kick me." Throughout all this, I'm telling her that I love her and am trying to give words to how she feels. In your son's case, maybe something like, "I bet you're really feeling unsettled because we're living at Grandma's and you want your old room back, don't you? It's tough, isn't it, living under someone else's roof?...."

I wait for her to really wind down ALL THE WAY, not just a little. Then I let her off my lap and we snuggle and most of the time, the storm over, she falls asleep. Needless to say, we don't spank.

I just think kids sometimes are hit by emotional tsunamis and when they are, it doesn't do any good to ignore them or spank them. Holding them and loving them works for us, so maybe it will work for you.

Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if we weren't living under the constant watch of my in-laws. They think the answer is to spank. They haven't pushed the idea much, but this morning my MIL, who is generally fabulous and a very attentive, attached grandma, said that she firmly believes that kids need to fear their parents a little bit in order to respect their authority, and that kids didn't used to get so out of line and disrespectful when spanking was the norm, children weren't given so many choices, and mature media wasn't directed specifically to children.

Well, you know all the stuff I could say about that. She's speaking from her time and her understanding. I think she's trying to help by giving you the advice that seems best to her, because I'm sure that your son's tantrums upset her too -- why wouldn't they? She loves him. I would thank her for her advice, and then not do it.

Personally, I think that children thrive on consistency and a sense of limits. As a child I had permissive parents, who snapped into spanking mode when things got out of control. So, I promised myself that I would give my children clear guidance without resorting to hitting. I still think that can be done in this situation, but I could use some help brainstorming how to give my little guy back some peace of mind.

You probably have already, but if you've never read Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It!, you might find the descriptions of the "brick wall/jellyfish" families very familiar to you. I had a complete brick wall one, but Coloroso talks about how the jellyfish is really a brick wall in disguise when times get stressy.

I hope my ideas help. Good luck to you.
I greatly appreciate any ideas you mamas have to give, our family is hurting and I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.
Steph[/QUOTE]

[Dodo]

Sahara, it sounds as though you're doing everything right!

[Embee]

Steph,

Just logged on and came to check this thread... see how you're doing. Ever since I read it and replied, I've been wondering how things are going. I'm glad the responses were able to give you some support and uplift in such a tough situation. Hang in there!

Em

[PuppyFluffer]

I am betting your ds is feeling a good bit powerless in all of this.

You mentioned letting him pick out the paint color for his walls in his bedroom. I bet that made him feel good. Are there any other choices he can have some input in? Including him in the choices may be empowering for him. Instead of taking advantage of your inlaws as baby sitters, maybe take him along to help contribute to the decisions?

I can't imagine how scary the destruction of your home must have been to you all. I hope things get back to normal soon.

[Sahara]

Well, things are looking a little bit up. I've really made an effort to drop everything I'm doing after I pick up DS at noon, and from then until Dad gets home it's pretty much our time. Most of the time we are out at the house, talking to painters or carpenters, but we poke around the yard and dig holes and play games and swing, sometimes life feels almost normal for an hour or so. iI've also been making sure to let him determine what the activity is, and he has been giving me lots of directions, making up games and teaching me the rules, that kind of thing. It feels good, like we are connecting again.

Puppyfluffer - We try to involve DS in as much as we can with the house, but we have found that he can get really overwhelmed and act out even worse. I don't think he has really been able to process how much loss we had, and even though things are getting put back together now, he gets kind of manic when changes are happening. The thing he loves best is to see the carpenters working with their tools and wood, we got him a set of real, miniature tools for Christmas and he does crafts with the scrap wood. Shoot, sometimes I think banging things with a hammer would make me feel better too.

C.B.- Yes, I've tried holding DS on my lap during his lashing out. It worked during the few emotional outbursts he had before he turned three, but ever since this, he responds by escalating the physical struggle. If I hold him in my lap and restrain his arms, he kicks. Then head butts, and thrashes. I end up getting battered and angry. I think he is angry and frightened by everything that has happened, and he is looking for an excuse to use some aggressive behavior.

We are going on a vacation next week, and when we get back we have an appointment with a psychologist who teaches the same brickwall/backbone/jellyfish parenting I mentioned earlier. I told her I thought we could use a little help parenting through this crisis, just some support and ideas for specific situations.

I really appreciate everyones input and support. I haven't been visiting the site much lately, and it has been very comforting to have you mama's to lean on.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and kind words,
Stephanie

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Sahara

Well, things are looking a little bit up. I've really made an effort to drop everything I'm doing after I pick up DS at noon, and from then until Dad gets home it's pretty much our time. Most of the time we are out at the house, talking to painters or carpenters, but we poke around the yard and dig holes and play games and swing, sometimes life feels almost normal for an hour or so. iI've also been making sure to let him determine what the activity is, and he has been giving me lots of directions, making up games and teaching me the rules, that kind of thing. It feels good, like we are connecting again.

This sounds great. Indeed, there is still so much on your plate right now, but I imagine it's this very kind of thing that will lead you on a road to helping your DS (and you!) heal. The very best to you... you're in my thoughts. I hope you have a wonderfully relaxing vacation. I'm sure you could use it, 100 fold.

Em