Natural consequence for damaging property?

[Ann-Marita]

My dd, 9 yrs old, damaged our telephone. She was trying to call a friend over the weekend. She had tried to play with kids in the neighborhood, but no one was around. It was rainy out and she was bored. So she called a cross-town friend. No answer.

In boredom/frustration/anger she bit the end of the cordless phone's antenna off. She actually bit this sort of plastic cover to the metal antenna, and now the metal shows. (Is this dangerous? I'm afraid to touch it while the phone is on.)

I understand being frustrated, but damaging things is not the answer. I talked with her right away and told her to use words, draw about her feelings, go walk the dog at a brisk pace - all these are ways to express or process frustration. But that damaging something - especially something that belongs to someone else, and I use that phone every day for business reasons - this just isn't allowed.

My husband and I have talked about taking away her telephone priviledges for a period of time. I prefer that she put aside a couple of dollars from her $5 allowance every week until there is enough saved to buy a replacement phone. Maybe some of you have other ideas.

What do you think is a natural consequence for this?

Thanks!

[our veggie baby]

Hi there!

personally, I think both of your suggestions were pretty good! It is nice to hear you have actually talked, redirected, etc...I would probably go for the loss of privledge (other than say, talking to grandma on the phone maybe)...before I would do the money thing.
Here's why:

while the taking away of money in her allowence is a good suggestion, and shows her on one hand that if you ruin something, you should be responsible for replacing it, financially--which happens in life, so it is teaching a life tool...on the other hand, you run the risk of her developing the idea that things can just be replaced with money---and what happens if she happens to break something that is irreplacable to someone....and says casually, oh I'll just pay for it....kind of thing....

That is where I get a bit sketcy on the money thing, though I think it is a good idea in some respects and that your heart is definately in the right place with it...what about a combination of the two?

Maybe tell her, Well, sweetie, to show to you that when you damage things, it sometimes makes it impossible for others to use it, you aren't allowed to call your friends for said amount of time (I dunno what would be appropriate for a 9 year old)....and I would also say, "also, mommy and daddy paid money for that phone and we have to work for that money, but instead of making you pay for the whole phone, we are taking a portion of your allowance for a replacement antenna"...or something like that...

Seems like the best of both worlds--she learns that other people (including herself) may suffer when property is damaged, as well as learning that you work for money and people would expect her to finacially replace property she damaged in the real world....in addition to working on other ways to safely outlet her frustration and anger etc...

You'll do great!!

[lilyka]

Hhmmmm, if it had been an accident (andmaybe it does fall more on the accident side) I wouldjust make her pay for it. accidents happen when you are careless but you still have to replace them.

but when it is not an accident I usually expect them to pay for it and take away some related privledge in the mean time. So in this instance (and if my dd did this I wouldn't call it an accident) she would have to pay it back and would lose phone privledges until she did (with some sort of minimum - like a week or two). That would motivate her to work harder to get it paid off more quickly.

as for your poor phone it should be fine and is perfectly safe (except for the risk of a scratch) I know my dd did this to mine accidently and I just used it until it died.

[cmb123]

Either one of those consequences sounds logical to me!

[bec]

I would go with a combination as well.

The natural consequence of breaking something is that you no longer have it to use. it is also a logical consequence to take away the phone use (we cannot trust you won't break the phone, so you may not use it). Helping to pay for a new antenna (probably don't have to replace the whole phone) is also a logical consequence.

For the record, I don't have a problem with using logical consequences as a method of discipline, particularly with an older child that can understand the logic. With real little ones, I think natural consequences are a more effective teaching method.


Bec

[foreverinbluejeans]

Some parents that are trying to GD go overboard with explainations/lectures and think that good parenting is what I call bland parenting. A logical consequence of a damaged phone is an upset parent. "I'm upset that you broke the phone! You chewed the antenna off?"

What if you wrecked the car because you were upset about something. How would you feel if your husband lectured you or took money out of your 'allowance' to get the car fixed. How would you feel toward your husband?

You and your child can work out together what will be done about the phone. Here is where being familiar with How to Talk So Kids Will Listen can be helpful.

[gaialice]

My children are too small for such big consequences, so I do not have experience. Just from what I feel though, both removing the phone privileges and taking money away from her allowance are not so direct consequences of her behaviour. To me, they smell more of "punishment". Besides, I do not know what your phone cost, but mine costs a lot, and it would take a long time to pay it off in two-dollar installments, months perhaps. I would definetely talk to her about it, and I do agree that the natural consequence is an upset parent, so what can she do to make up for it with you? Anything that would really PLEASE you, that she can do.
My four year old damaged a toy, recently, also by biting. I was angry. I told her I was angry, and she said she did not care. She even put her hands on her ears. I think however she did so just because she was just trying to get away from this situation that she did not like. So, I said I needed time off because I was so angry. When I calmed down, I just let go of it. However, when I see that she is in a biting mood, I tell her that her teeth can damage stuff and she has to find other things to bite. I have noticed that since then when she has her biting frenzy she comes and asks, can I bite this mommy?
I would like to ask more experienced GD moms, is it OK to let go of an issue if it is going nowhere? I sometimes have the feeling that dd is upset, I am upset, and talking only leads to worse. I feel very bad about letting go, it feels to me like if I was letting her getting away with the bad behaviour. However, it seems in the long run she understands better and better what things really upset me....

[mamaduck]

Are you sure it was out of anger and frustration? Sounds like a sort of unconscious, bored, antsy kind of accident. I guess I just don't totally believe that she knew what she was doing or meant to do it.

Are you planning to throw out the phone and get a new one? In that case, I think having her contribute financially is a good plan. I personally would wrap electrical tape around the damaged area and keep using it. Or find out if its possible to replace just the antenna. If you are planning to keep the phone and continue using it, then I don't think she should loose allowance.

I would not take away phone privlages. I've broken phones before, through carelessness. I just replaced them and tried not to sweat it. I didn't restrict myself from the phone. What I might well do is insist that she use the phone only under adult supervision for awhile. It is after all a powered peice of equipment, and you can't use it saftely if you might feel inclined to chew on it! Thus -- you need to be supervised.

I would work with her on making a list of things to do when she feels bored and can't find a friend to play with. So that she has a better way of coping next time.

As to the broader issue -- I think its okay to be angry with our kids and express anger in a non-threatening and non-accusatory way. "I feel angry," is fine. "I am fed up with you and you suck!" is not fine. KWIM?

For myself, I try not to flip out over broken things. Kids break things, and its part of life. I really don't want to send a message that things are more important than they are. I know there are some kids for whom damaging things is a recurrant and constant problem and I think in those cases a strategy is needed. But the odd occurance is normal and expected, and not worth hassling over.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

You and your child can work out together what will be done about the phone.

:
I think that, especially by age nine (I already do this at age 4), it is really valuable to seek dc's thoughts on how to fix the problem. Having the child work toward a solution (meaning, sitting down and considering the problem and coming up with workable ideas) is a much better life lesson than revoked privileges or allowance. And if the solution solves the problem without feeling like a "consequence" (for instance, wrapping with electical tape), that is fine! They fixed the problem they caused.

[crunchy_mama]

I think both of your suggestions are fine. I think maybe having her completely pay for the cost of the phone may be too much, depending on the phone.

[Marsupialmom]

I have a nervous chewer. He will chew things and not realized he did it until after the fact. I watch him and hand him a toothbrush to chew on.

Many times you can replace just then antenna on the phone.

If this is a first time offence I would have her help you find the cost of replacement to fix her mistake. If she is a chronic chewer then find her an outlet for this behavior.

Then let it go. My son broke my mil’s toaster oven out of bad behavior. It was a first time offence and just seeing how much it was going to cost to replace it was very helpful. He could not have afforded to pay for the replacement but got an understanding about the expense of his bad behavior and we need to be responsible for our behavior.

[Foobar]

I think the antena can be repaired and it can be HER job to find the replacement and then pay for it and help fix it!

Simple, easy, teaches responsibility and financial responsibility (she has to set aside money to pay for the replacement) and teaches her that even broken things can be fixed and when you break something you CAN fix it and feel proud about it.


I would not ban her phone privledges...That seems a bit excessive.

And to hold to the husband standard, if I wrecked the phone, it is my responsibility to do the leg work and get it fixed with my money....

[Quillian]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

:
I think that, especially by age nine (I already do this at age 4), it is really valuable to seek dc's thoughts on how to fix the problem. Having the child work toward a solution (meaning, sitting down and considering the problem and coming up with workable ideas) is a much better life lesson than revoked privileges or allowance. And if the solution solves the problem without feeling like a "consequence" (for instance, wrapping with electical tape), that is fine! They fixed the problem they caused.

I think this advice is spot on