Losing my cool!

[Messac888]

I generally am a laid-back, calm momma to my 28 month son Josiah. SO, what do I do on the days where ripping my hair out sounds better than parenting does? Example- begs for yogurt before lunch. Gets yogurt. Still eats reasonable lunch. Throws basketball at sleeping infant sister's head. I tell him no, it hurts her. I calm baby down, she nurses back to sleep. Lay her in bassinet so I can fold laundry (in same room as bassinet). Throws basketball at her head again. I say no again, this time more sternly. I calm baby again, but since she already nursed once she is now overfull and barfs all over me and her. I change our clothes. She poops- out of diaper and into clothes. I change her clothes again. Since she barfed she's now empty, so I nurse her again. She falls asleep, I put her in bassinet and fold more laundry. Son throws basketball at her head AGAIN.

You get the point. He's usually very good about her, and I know he's just curious to see what will happen if he keeps hitting her in the head with the ball, but I'm about 10 seconds from showing him what it feels like to get hit in the head with a basketball! That's why I'm on-line right now! Usually I would put him in his bed for a couple minutes, or else I would put a baby gate in the playroom doorway for a few minutes so he relaxes and I calm down, but 'someone' learned how to climb out of the crib and over baby gates all in the last week. (Grrr...!) So I've lost my usual coping methods. I tried locking myself and infant in bathroom for a few minutes, but he pulled apart all the folded laundry. Obviously, bathroom isn't a worthwhile safe-haven either. So, now, what the heck do I do at this point?!?!?! Today is my first day home alone with both kids full time (hubby started back full-time today after a part-time paternity leave from his job for 4 weeks) and I'm trying really hard but just lacking a bit in the patience department. ANY advice would be WONDERFUL!!!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Well, my first idea is to take away the ball after the first time. Not forever, but long enough so that he either forgets about this great game and/or he realizes that throwing things at the baby only results in loss of thing. At 2, he really doesn't have the impulse control not to do something so fascinating, so it is up to you to make it impossible for him to do it in the first place (or at least after the first time). Taking away the ball seems like a very reasonable response to me.

Second, if you don't want him to find such a fun game, you probably need to help him find something better, before you start on your own project like laundry. In the above example, the first time he came in with the ball, I probably would have sized up the situation as "trouble waiting to happen" and worked to find something fun for him to do while you were busy. And after he had thrown the ball the first time, and you had removed the ball to prevent it from happening again, then what did you do? Whatever it was, it wasn't interesting enough to keep his attention. Before this whole thing is repeated, think up some ideas for him to do while baby is napping and you are doing other things. Have stuff ready to go so you can avoid this sort of episode.

Also, must you do something that he can't/won't participate in while baby is napping? This was always the special time for my son and I to play during the day. It sure helped him do everything possible not to wake the baby! I know that means that the laundry gets behind (as does everything else), but this may be a good time to stop and reflect on your priorities and how to manage your day. Perhaps laundry (and other household stuff) could wait until everyone is asleep and then you and your partner can tackle stuff together?

Just some ideas.

[Messac888]

Some good ideas, but many haven't worked. Example- wait until hubby gets home and then tackle housework together. Hahahahaha, this made me chuckle- like the hubby actually helps? So, I do some during the day and get it out of the way. My boy usually helps with chores, he likes helping, which is good since I am over a month behind on housework since I stopped doing pretty much everything about a week before giving birth. I'm paying up for it now. (Believe me, my house is never spotless, it's always cluttered, but when you have so much laundry that needs to be folded that there's no room in the guest room for anyone to stand, it's time to fold the laundry!)

I usually DO take things like that away from him, but the last few months he's been quite good about listening when I ask/tell him to stop so I try to respect his ability to make his own choice. That ability is misfiring today. I know he's only 2, but this particular only-2-year-old has more brains than people realize. He understands when I say no or stop.

He usually colors when I'm too busy to devote my attention to him, but he lost all crayon privilages for the day after I caught him coloring on the walls and the television screen. Like I don't have enough things to clean up around here...

Lastly, my daughter is napping about 7 hours of the nine that I am home without my husband. Of the two hours she's up, one is while my son is napping. He and I usually play, or if I have to do bills he'll "write" his own "bills" out. If I'm loading the dishwasher he'll bring me all the cups he hid around the house over the last day or so. If I'm doing laundry he'll help pour the soap in the machine, put the wet clothes into the dryer, or help "fold" the dry clothes (although I have to refold them later). We make a game out of most of these things and he really does enjoy himself. But I can only play cars for so long. I can only read the same truck book over and over so many times. I can only play 2-year-old games for so long before I start getting a little nutty. Folding laundry helps me regroup and let my mind think about things other than spit-up, temper tantrums and diapers (unless I'm folding diapers). It's a few minutes where I feel like an adult again. So for me, that means my priorities ARE in order since, if I'm not thinking like an adult, I'm not behaving like one, and that's where problems begin.

Honestly, I was a bit offended by the whole get my priorities in order thing, since for years people have always told me to clean my house better, more often, etc etc etc! It's irritating to now be told almost the opposite, to go back to the way I used to be. I know you didn't mean to offend, since you don't even know me and I know not to personalize it; I'm just really crabby, I've had a long day. But the hubby is home now, so I finally get a breather, hence the reason I could reply. So, thanks for the tips, I'll keep them in mind although I've already tried them before, maybe it just didn't work TODAY.

[thistle]

It sounds like your ds is having some sibling adjustments to make himself. If he's used to havign dad around more and then dad's gone more and mom's attention is divided, it can be confusing and frustrating. He may understand "stop" and "no" but I'm sure he doesn't understand all these big changes. You might try exploring it from that angle.

As to your dh I can only tell you what I would do FWIW-- I would ask him which of 2 necessary tasks he wants to do and then you do the other. That's what I do and I only have one kid. Just like you have to adjust the way you do things to accomodate 2 kids, your DH has to adjust too. It won't kill him to fold some tshirts or wash a dish. They are both of your kids and it is everyone's house so if he wants it nice he can pitch in. If he doesn't want to help, then he shouldn't expect everything to get done.

I am constantly amazed at what dh's get away with NOT doing!!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Look, I didn't mean to offend. You never know what people have tried and what their priorities are. And it never, ever hurts to reflect on your day-to-day life to make sure your life actually matches your priorities. If it does, then great, go on. For me, I find that if I don't do that now and then, things get skewed because the "urgent" obscures the "important".

And yes, hubby certainly can and should help. If he isn't, then maybe you can start by tackling that problem? Yes, it takes lots of work, but you really need to help him see that you have a full-time job -- it is taking care of the two kids. He has whatever he does during the day. You both then have to work together to keep the household going because it impacts both of you. We finally came up with a system: I do laundry, he puts it away. I cook, he fills dishwasher or vice versa. And so forth.

OK, I say up front that the next suggestion doesn't sit well with everyone. And I certainly wouldn't do this directly after my child had thrown something at his little sister. For me, if the priority is getting something done and I'm out of creative ideas for keeping kid(s) busy, then its time for a video. Carefully chosen, limited in scope and timing, but enough to keep them quiet, out of mischief and let me get something that important done.

And I hear you about playing that much -- sorry, my little ones never slept that much and my child was a bit older when baby sis was born, so it wasn't quite that bad. I agree, I couldn't do that many hours of playing either. My limit is about 2 hours, spread out amongst lots of hours of daytime.

[jmom]

Maybe not too helpful, but DD (age 5) says that the baby needs to learn to catch the ball. Either that or get a softer ball.

And I understand about needing to do adult activities to break up life with a 2-year-old, but me, I wouldn't have been so noble as to try to do laundry while as cranky as that episode would have made me!

I bow to your capacity to stay focussed!

Hope tomorrow is better!

[Ruthla]

Hmm, he's climbing out of the crib and over baby gates...maybe it's time to go into a pet shop and buy a kennel designed for large-breed puppies. :LOL

Seriously, when my son was 2 I bought a crib tent so he couldn't climb out of the crib. Another idea would be to put the baby in a crib or portacrib under a crib tent to protect her from UFOs.

I second (third?) the advice to take away the ball- if not after the first "offense" then certainly after the second. (Of course, that wouldn't prevent him from throwing a different ball or stuffed animal at her head.)

Maybe you could get him to "help" fold the laundry? Maybe you can put the laundry away in heaps rather than folding them and not worry about wrinkles as long as the clothes are relatively clean? You mentioned re-folding the laundry after your 2yo folds stuff- why bother? (see above about wrinkled clothes.)

If your dh is working so many hours that him helping you around the house isn't feasable, you might want to look into hiring some household help. Even a 10yo could play with the babies while you get some basic housework done. Alternatively, you might want to hire somebody to help with the cleaning.

Good luck. This too shall pass!

[jmom]

Hi Messac888!

DD has been asking about you. How's it going? Are you getting the help you need?

Constant vigilance is exhausting enough, but add housekeeping and I don't know how any of us keep our sanity.

Hope things are getting better for you!