want to have another child - but conflicted

[mamalita]

Hi everyone! My actual title for this post was "I'm trying to convince myself to just have one child, but it isn't working" but I ran out of title space (ha! ha!). Anyway, I'm a SAHM to a wonderful 2.5 year old DS and things are overall great. DH and I have discussed potentially TTC #2 starting this summer. Thing is, there's reasons why we should NOT try to have another, yet my heart keeps telling me "just one more". But as the time draws nearer, I find myself getting more nervous.
The reasons for having only DS: Financial (DH is a LSW working for a healtcare co. and hating it; we're concerned about money, but it isn't a SUPER big issue right now). Career (I sometimes miss the outside working world, the social network I would have with it, the positive feedback when I've done a great job, making my *own* money, etc., but I don't want to put my children in daycare, so it's at least 6 - 7 years down the line if we have another). Travel (when we were a two-income family we went on numerous trips - I love the exploratory feeling of travel. Since DS has been born the most we've done is a three-day overnight road trip (because of financial limitations and the challenges of traveling with a baby/toddler who hates the carseat ). My DS (I just love him so much, I fear how "hurt" he will be if another child would come along and split my attention. We're still co-sleeping, nursing, etc. and I have concerns about still meeting his needs with these along with the new needs of a baby). My DH (at times, since DS has been born, we've been on occasional very rocky ground. We have no supports/family, etc. so we haven't been on a date in years, and already struggle to find any couple time at all. And lastly, ME (once in a great while, I get super-stressed/grumpy - usually around my period : . My concern is making that huge transition to two children. It just seems SO difficult from everything I hear/read, etc. I'm afraid I'll become a monster mommy. . .

But yet, I have this drive, this pull, this feeling that there's another little boy (I'm convinced we'll have a boy) in the Universe/Heavens waiting and I feel like we need to welcome him to complete our destiny. I feel like to ignore this drive will forever leave us (or at least me) unsettled. Can a person just ignore all of these feelings and use logic? I'm curious if any other MDC posters have been able to do this. Should we just toss all the "logical" concerns to the wind and go for it?

[~Quse~]

Could you flip a coin?


















I don't really have any groundbreaking advice except to listen to your heart. A quote I dwell on often is "Thirty years from now, you'll never think you had too many children."

[GoldBerry]

I debated with myself for quite awhile about having another child. With Dd #2 now 7 months, I'm ever so glad I did. Having said that, I would give you this advice(do with it what you will ).

~Work on your relationship with your Dh now. I really believe that time with your huney should not wait till the kids grow up. Maybe you could have date nights at home- turn off the tv and talk or dance or laugh. When Dd #2 came, I needed Dh 10 times more than before.

~It was hard on Dd #1, I won't lie to you. And that was hard for me,too. The relationship that I had with her changed forever when we brought that little baby home. I've never regreted my decision though. As the baby gets older I can see how they are bonding which is wonderful.

~Time for your self and your work and your hobbies. I totally understand these feelings- I miss so much! But, I came to the decision that I would have many many years ahead of me to work a full time job and have weekends to garden. Also, I have thrown caution to the wind and am working on my masters now online.

Yes, follow your heart...but make sure Dh is going to back you up!

[L.J.]

Unless there are reasons why you need to conceive now, wait.

You may feel very differently in 6 months, in one year, or two.

I think the best time and way to have a baby is to feel like you really have the resources (time, love, energy, money, etc.) to offer that child.

If you're feeling conflicted right now, that indicates to me that you are simply not ready right now. In time you may feel things more clearly one way or the other and the decision will be much easier.

[A&A]

Sometimes a larger age gap is better. My kids are 5 years apart and it's wonderful.

Also, can you work part time or evenings, so your child won't be in daycare full time?

[USAmma]

Having two high-needs kids (one with a strong personality, one with medical needs) I wish I'd spaced them out more in some ways. I'm glad I'm done with the baby thing, Nitara was had b/c of her medical issues, but in many ways I wish I'd spaced them 4-5 years. Abi has grown up a lot in the last couple of months as she's entered the fours. She can entertain herself so I can focus on each child instead of trying to take care of both of them at once.

My marriage is strong, but we are pretty much putting the marriage on the back burner until the kids get a bit older and easier. We have very little time for each other right now, but we do have the confidence and love that will keep us going until we get to that light at the end of the tunnel.

A second baby has been a blessing. I have no regrets at all. But it is also at least double the work and you have to be prepared for that emotionally, financially, physically, and of course you and dh should be in agreement about it.

I would wait awhile because if it's meant to be, the right time will come and you'll both know it.

Darshani

[mom2tess]

I am experiencing the same thing, except my first DD is now 8 and was born with a genetic disease. She is now doing really well and I am really struggling about starting over and having another child. I really want one, but there is a 25% chance we would have another baby with this disease. What do I do?? I am 33 and don't want to wait too much longer to decide. Of course DH says it is up to me.

Melinda