Mamas who wanted TWO but then decided ONE was great...

[pioneermama]

Hi everyone,

I've got another thread going about mamas who planned on one then decided on two. So, in this thread I'd like to explore your stories of choosing to have one child after planning and or thinking that you wanted two or more. What factors impacted your decision to have one child? What is your story?

TIA

Pioneermama

[awnja]

Well, she's only 9 mos so its a bit early to be certain, but this famly feels SO complete as is. I always thought siblings were a positive part of my childhood and positive for many people. Only children tend to advise against making more only children. So I hoped to have a couple kids. Two biological children was the limit because of issues of overpopulation. I thought it would be neat to maybe try pregnancy once, then adoption... experience a wide range of parenthood. Then I had my baby and at first it was like "this is her uterus now, and these are her breasts..." and I know that spacing is good for child development and had no interest in taking any of my time away from her babyhood with a sibling. Plus it was hard enough to shower, let alone take care of two and I wondered how other parents even did it. Then as I began to watch friends' kids and got back into a good routine I realized that I COULD take care of two. But wondered, do I WANT to? With the spacing I want, that would add another three years on to the wait to have the kids out of diapers... in school... graduated... Someday six years will seem like nothing, but for a stay at home mom whose provisional teaching certification runs out in four years, who's turning 30, whose husband's turning 40... time seems precious. If I had a longing for another child it would be different, but I'm just so satisfied.

But then there was the question of what was best for everyone. Should my baby have a sibling? I couldn't imagine growing up an only child. It was quite foreign to me so I read books and stuff about it. A while back I posted questions for adult only children and most seemed to be OK w/ their childhood but would have liked siblings to take away pressure, keep company and create a more kid-like atmosphere. I think I can come close to providing these things for her through maintaning community; staying friends with parents of children her age, attending a young, crunchy church... things like that. And being aware of mistakes that parents of onlies make, like focusing too much on the child (being overprotective, overambitious, whatever) or allowing her to play adult rolls in the family. I do find comfort in the idea that, even with one small income, her college is being saved for already and my husband and I will retire OK because we aren't spreading our resources too thin.

So there's my story. Always wanted to be a mama, now I am. Next adventure, please.

Julie

[whateverdidiwants]

Always wanted to be a mama, now I am. Next adventure, please.

That's IT. EXACTLY.

I love my dd more than anything, but I honestly believe that if I have more children I will lose myself completely. For my own self-presevation, I had to recognize that I can't have more kids and have my life - AND theirs - the way I think it needs to be in order for everyone to be happy and healthy.

There have been a lot of little factors that have added up to deciding to only have one instead of two:

-I had a very complicated, stressful pregnancy and birth that took a long time to recover from. The thought of being pregnant again makes me break out.
-I had very bad PPD
- I didn't like the infant/baby stage at all (probably due to the PPD, in hindsight), it totally stressed me out and I have no desire to go through that again.
-The reality of paying for everything for another kid (daycare, food, travel expenses when we go places, saving money for college)
- Seeing the toll that it has taken on my relationship with dh, trying to maintain a connection while trying to raise dd the way we feel she deserves
-Realizing that dd gets overstimulated if she doesn't get enough quiet time in the evenings. With her as an only, she can play with other kids during the day and then relax at night.
-Being *thrilled* as she passed milestones, not wistful. (Yay, she weaned! Yay, she's almost potty-trained!) I have no desire to start over with any of that again. I can go out by myself again for a few hours and it won't freak her out.

If I could have a toddler fall from the sky into my lap, I would consider it, but otherwise no. We used to talk about adopting, but DH is an adoptee (was adopted from Korea at 3.5 yo) and has become somewhat anti-adoption. He saw his birthmom over the summer for the first time in 27 years and felt that she was pretty much coerced into giving him up. As much as he would like a larger family, he doesn't want to take part in a system he sees as corrupt.

[pioneermama]

Thank you for sharing your story awnja

I can identify with so much of what you wrote. Until about 6 months ago I felt much the same way (overpopulation issue, even if I can do it do I really want to parent more than one child? College and retirement considerations etc.).

Any other mamas want to share their story about why they have chosen to have one when they always thought they wanted two or more?

[pioneermama]

thank you whateverdidiwants for your story. I really appreciate your and awjna's candidness.

How sad about your dh finding his birthmother and realizing that she felt coerced into giving him up! don't even know what to say...

I see your reasons clearly and I identify with several of your points.

These two threads that I have going simultaneously give me much to think about from both sides that is for sure!

[whateverdidiwants]

I read the other thread too and I admit I felt little pangs. I saw your comment there about wanting to be in shape again, and that's part of it for me, too. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling that.

[pioneermama]

whateverdidiwants, so you do get pangs then?

Yes, being a bit more fit would be helpful I think for the pregnancy and birthing process.

Funny but today I think I changed my mind 10 times "oh, look at those two children playing together... I want another child" to "Oh my that poor mama looks so harried and is short tempered and the baby is crying and the older child looks like she is about to cry and I think... oh, I'm glad I have just dd" and so the day goes!!!

[whateverdidiwants]

I do, but then I remind myself what it was like to give myself almost 600 injections, get a cerclage, and not sleep for months on end, and it's no contest. I would basically be out of commission for at least a year, and that's not fair to the child I already have.

I've changed my mind a million times since my dd was born, and it's just like you describe - you see something sweet and think, "awww, that would be nice", and then you see a mom with a several kids being pulled in 15 directions at once and think, "wow, I could NEVER do that". What really put in perspective for me was having a pregnancy scare a few months back and being really, truly upset about it, as in a stay-up-all-night-worrying-for-3-days way. When faced with the real posibility of another pregnancy, I just couldn't imagine going through everything again. THAT'S when I knew I had my final answer.

[Arduinna]

When I was young, I thought I wanted 4 kids. Then I had dd and and it went down to 2. Then we had fertility issues. It was so easy to want more when she was small and I was already in the thick of it. But as she got older and I got my life back I realized that I didn't want to start over again with a baby. I went through a long time of back and forth, do I want another or not. But bottom line I don't think I did.

I am annoyed with myself at the amount of time I wasted being unhappy that I only had one child. When in reality it was the best decision for me. I think part of it was I hated giving up the option of having another. I hated the idea of closing the door. Of making the final decision.

[wednesday]

I waver sometimes. We always talked about 2, possibly even 3, but to be perfectly honest I have very little desire to ever be pregnant again. I didn't even have a difficult pregnancy, but it was just so uncomfortable. DS is 16 months, so right around the age that a lot of people would be TTC in order to have a 2-year spacing--so we get asked about it quite a bit lately. But for us the issue won't even be on the table until DS turns 3 (I have an IUD so there won't be any "oops"). Once he's 3 we'll see how we feel about his maturity and independence and our stamina to go through another pregnancy/infanthood/toddlerhood. In one week we are moving across the state to live very close to my husband's brother and his family (with 3 kids). We will be living right down the street and I hope that all the cousins will grow up with such close, frequent contact that they will have the lifelong relationships that DH's siblings have. That way DS can have the benefit of "siblings" without DH and I having to do the work of growing and raising them! :LOL

[boomingranny]

Wanted 2. Split up with Ex. Totally fine with one...and even when we were still together I had NO DESIRE to ever be pg again. In fact, I would have nightmares about it, lol. I was going to adopt one and make one - but we cool with with our little unit.

cheers

[sharksmum]

I thought I wanted two as well, until I split up with my ex. Imagining my life with only one child was even more difficult for me than to imagine my life without a partner.

Since those difficult months I've not only gotten over the disappointment but have grown to really embrace the idea of having an only child. For me it just opens up so many possibilities.

I've always loved to travel and now I can imagine me and my dd taking amazing adventures together which would be next to impossible with more than one. We are so much more mobile in terms of moving, deciding to spend a summer working on a farm, etc. As she gets older I will have the ability to make her adventure dreams possible too.

It just feels like we are more of a partnership. It's totally different from my earlier vision of a family, but it feels great.

[Elphaba]

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[pioneermama]

Thank you Arduinna, wakeUpMama and boomingranny.

Arduinna, this: "I think part of it was I hated giving up the option of having another. I hated the idea of closing the door. Of making the final decision" is how I feel on one level of my being.

I really LOVED being pregnant, loved breastfeeding (and feel sad that she isn't nursing anymore) and love mothering. At the same time, to be truthful I know that I have other things that require my focused energy in this life.

Dh is having a lot of anxiety about having another. He is a huge part of dd's life and the idea of having to split his time in two (along with all the other responsibilities - he works in the world, does much around the house and has little personal time as it is) scares him.

so...

Thanks mamas.

[pioneermama]

Just saw your posts Elphaba and sharksmum - thank you for your stories.

[Ruby Pearl]

My story is that I always wanted 2 children and wanted them close together (to get the yucky part over and done with sooner), but after DD#1 was born and she turned out to be so high needs the thought of having another one TERRIFIED me! She settled a little bit around 18 months and became so sweet that we decided to TTC. It took another 18 months to succeed and DD#2 was born when DD#1 was almost 4 years old (and once again very high needs, she tricked us into giving her a sibling). So I did end up having 2 children, but not the way I had imagined and even further than that I enjoy DD#2 so much and seeing the 2 of them together it almost makes me want a #3 already! (not gonna happen though, unless DH's got some 'splanin' to do!)

[nimamom]

Pioneer mama,

I was just about to quote the same line from Arduinna as you! The idea of hating making the decision and closing the door sums it up beautifully for me. I have been struggling with the "do I have another baby or not?" question for just about 3 years! Our situation is slightly different, because I have a 10 yo DSD who comes and stays with us during the summers and during breaks from school-- and she may come live with us in a few years. So my 4 1/2 DD isn't technically an only child-- but she lives as an only child for at least half of the year.

I had a great pregnancy and infancy with DD-- and I never even questioned that I would have another. Of course I would! But as DD got older and we passed through those milestones and I began to get my life back, I increasingly kept having a harder and harder time envisioning starting over again. Another part of the picture for me is that DH and I were very young when we started down the parenting road-- and I like the idea of being fairly young when my kiddos are out of the house. I can still myself having time to work, time to travel, and have many of the adventures that I didn't have along with my friends in my early 20s. However, I still waiver too. I see a baby and I have pangs of doubt. I wonder if I'm really making the decision to be done-- but then when I think about being pregnant the thought terrifies me! I share many of the same concerns-- money is a big one, but so is losing my body again, the setback in terms of finishing school and working, etc.

It's nice to hear that I'm not alone in all these thoughts and feelings!

[onlyzombiecat]

When I was young I thought 3 children was good... maybe because I had 2 siblings and it is what I knew. At times, I really envied my only child cousin though.
I went through a period of time when I didn't want kids at all.
Then my niece and nephew were born and I thought "someday". I don't think I would ever had set out to TTC but would have just let nature take its course.

I met a wonderful man and we swiftly decided to get married (after knowing each other 3 months). A few months later, I became pregnant despite our use of birth control. Dd is a blessing but I didn't feel that when I took the pregnancy test. I was planning my wedding, I lost my job and my dog died that same month. It took me a bit to come to terms with it all. Dh and I were married 4 months before dd was born. Not much couple time before we enlarged our family. I didn't have a good birth experience. Was not eager to do it again. I like babies but have absolutely no "baby fever".

We didn't make a formal decision on family size for awhile. By dd's first birthday we talked and made pro-con lists for only child or another child. It became clear that there were a lot more pros for just one child for our family. We felt one child was all we could handle emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. I feel very stressed out when I take care of 2 or more children and I don't feel that with 1 child. Dd might also be described as high needs.

I didn't really like setting it in stone so we discussed "what if we change our minds" and decided we were both felt fine with adoption or becomming foster parents if we felt we had more to give another child. I felt happy with our decision. There was still a door we could open and go through. We made it final when dd was 3 by dh having a vasectomy. She will be five in March. No regrets. We are very happy with our family size.

My advice is to think about it awhile from both sides. Make pro/con lists for each choice to help clarify your feelings and thoughts. Be very very honest with each other. Figure out if you can handle it financially, etc. Borrow another child for a weekend or something to see how you feel taking care of two at once and how you handle it. Don't feel you have to rush to make a decision. You don't really have to commit to a decision. It is okay to say we are happy now so let's stick with what we have. It is okay to decide later to have more children.

Good luck with your decision. It can be tough even if you are sure.

[Yooper]

I had always planned to either have none or five. Kind of a "if you're gonna buy the minivan, you might as well fill it up" theory. Dh and I were married for 6 years before dd was born. We never really felt ready to have one and sort of decided to be childless. Then I got unexpectantly pg. Being pg was not hard for me and I had a very easy homebirth. Then it got rocky. Dd is spirited and does not believe in sleep. Sleep is my number one most important need so the last 18 months have been very hard on the whole family. We are just now starting to get a handle on it. Everyone has asked when we are going to go for #2. We are not exactly old, but we had dd older than most have their first so people keep reminding me that the clock is ticking. I have pangs all the time. I know my time is limited and we have to hurry up and make a decision, especially if we want more than 2. But 95% of the time, 1 feels right. I still have saved all of her stuff just in case and dh has not gotten the snip yet, so the door is not closed. But I really feel that emotionally and stress-wise we cannot have another. We travel very frequently by plane, dh has a crazy work and travel schedule, none of our friends have kids, and as I said before, I need my sleep. I cannot risk having another non-sleeping, high needs kid. I am just sure I cannot cope. I am not as strong as the mamas on here that somehow juggle several kids and feel content. I am just now starting to get pieces of my old life back as dd is old enough for sitters and can play alone once in a while. However, I am not going to let her potty learn because I like stalking cloth diapers too much

Yooper

[tammylc]

This is a really useful thread for me to read - thanks to the OP for starting it.

I wasn't sure I wanted *any* babies when I got accidently pregnant with DS. DH wants another, and I'm really feeling like one is enough. We won the baby lottery - he's an incredibly cheerful and good tempered baby - and sometimes it still seems like too much. And I'm making personal sacrifices now to parent DS the way I think he should be parented, but I do miss the days when I could go away for the weekend by myself!

On the other hand, once I overcame the initial shock, I quite liked being pregnant. And I put a lot of energy into planning a homebirth, only to end up with a scheduled c-section due to breech presentation. Will I regret it if I never get another shot at experiencing labor and delivery? But that would be a really dumb reason to have another baby.

Right now I'm sitting in the land of no decision. Maybe I'll get a huge desire to have another, and will follow that lead. But right now I feel good with just one.