Are you parents going to move in with you?

[Jane]

I am wondering if anyone is in the situation I'm in. My in-laws are sick, out of work, not that old, and have no resources. I don't understand how they are making do right now, but fear they will be with us in a few years. I love my MIL, but I don't want to live with her. She is a little different, charming, but not someone who I can live with. She has mental health issues that make her extra difficult some times. And they'd bring their teenager.
We cannot afford to keep them in their house. So we bought a house with a daylight basement just in case, as we can afford to remodel it for them, but not to move at the same time to a different house.
I have tried to talk to them. My dh has tried too, but with no luck. We can't even get a promise out of them to "Tell us before your situation is REALLY bad" which has been a problem in the past.
I feel really guilty. My life is good, financially and otherwise. It is that way because I took dh from them. When he lived at home, he contributed all that to their household and they were fine. They are lovely people and they let him go, but I know the truth about the situation.
I feel horrible that I'm counting on them failing.
Anyone in this situation of waiting? Or anyone actually past the waiting and onto the living together part? Any been-there advice or comiseration?

Inspired by posts in this thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...11#post2606311

[philomom]

No. I hope not. I could never be a primary caregiver to my parents. I'm just not that forgiving.

[Jane]

You know, I didn't think of that, but I was a primary caregiver for my father as he died from altzheimers. That doesn't scare me (well, a little), it's more the day to day life with a new roommate.

[Shantimama]

Do they have the expectation that when things get really bad for them you are obliged to take them in? Or is that your expectation of yourself? Or your husband's? These are three very different situations. Susan Forward has written a book called "Emotional Blackmail" that is good at describing how we can operate out of fear, obligation and guilt instead of following our gut instincts. You don't have to live with them. If you genuinely want to and think that is the best situation then by all means start planning for it - but if you feel obligated or pressured to, go look for that book first!

My mother lived with us for a year. She has Alzheimers. It was very, very difficult and probably would have been even worse if she didn't have health problems. She is now in a care home and I feel better than I have in a long time - I am a better mama, wife and more myself since letting go of that sense of obligation.

[mamalisa]

I would be willing to care for my dad, but not for dh's parents or my mother. When dh and I started dating he knew that if my dad every needed it, I would take on that responsibility. He willingly accepted that.

His family on the other hand, well....they have no plan for getting older. They have no savings, no life insurance, ect. They aren't the kind of people to help themselves so I would have a very hard time with the concept of helping them any more than we already have in life.

[annakiss]

My mom has her parents living with her now due to aging. It's pretty much a miserable experience, but that's mostly because my grandparents are pretty miserable people. I know that one day we will need to care for my ILs and my dad for certain, if not my mom and step-dad as well. They're nowhere near needing it now, but my MIL does not have the funds to care for herself and my dad won't have them either should something happen. We're pretty well prepared for this mentally (of course it's just a hypothetical at this point), but financially we won't be ready for at least 10 more years, which, God-willing, should be fine. The key with my mother & her parents is to keep out of each other's hair as much as possible, but that also makes things rather sad as my grandparents have no desire to integrate themselves as part of the family, which could, in theory, be somewhat nice.

[Messac888]

I'm in a very similar position as you are. I'd be able to let my in-laws or my father live with us but I could not have my mom here- and she's the one that seems that she'll need a place to live. Reason? She's a shopoholic. She and my dad are divorced and she got $30,000 from the proceedings. Not only is that already gone, but she's another $15,000 in credit card debt- and it's only been 5 years. She is incredibly rude to us, hates my husband, and is disrespectful of our rules for our son. My husband and I decided that, if she gets in so far over her head that she needs a place to live, she can live here UNDER OUR CONDITIONS. We don't want to enable her to continue her bad habits which is why we'd make rules for her. I mean, she'd get the smallest bedroom in the house (not entirely unreasonable, it's still a decent size), she'd have to put all her crap in a storage facility cuz it will NOT sit in our basement, and I would be doing her finances. Yes, me. I can squeeze a dollar out of a lemon, so I'd be in charge of her money once she got a new job. (We're assuming she'll be fired before the end of 2005 since she literally calls in sick once every two weeks or takes vacation time without notifying her boss first- sometimes in the middle of the day.) I don't want her here, my dh doesn't want her here. The day she moves in would be the first day of the end of our marriage, she's that meddling! But she IS family, which is why we'd begrudgingly take her in- and make "rules" so "strict" that she'll hopefully get her sh*t together and move out as soon as she can. KWIM?

[MomInFlux]

I'm really struggling with this issue right now. My dad died 5+ years ago. He and my Mom owned their own (struggling) business and didn't have any life insurance. Since then, my Mom has been struggling financially. When DH and I moved just over a year ago, my Mom moved with us (geographically) and in with us. I deliberately bought a house that would work for DH and I, DS, DD (I was pregnant at the time) and DM - in the SHORT TERM. After Mom had been with us for a while, it became clear that she would never be able to live on her own - financially - because she wants to be "retired". She's 65 and in good health. I haven't yet decided if I'm resentful of functionally supporting her so that she can not work. I probably am. So DH and I are in the midst of working with an architect to add a 500 sf wing onto our house to accommodate my DM. In the meantime, my DM has the 2 bedrooms and the bath that are supposed to be for my DC, except right now we have a family bedroom. That SHOULD be fine, except that we're having major sleep issues with DD that would be much easier to deal with if we had another bedroom where me or DH could go to be with her so that DS can still get the sleep he needs. My Mom has even gone so far as to draw up a floor plan for the new wing that meets her needs - which is making me crazy beyond belief. I love my Mom and she's pretty good with the kids. She can't last very long with them before getting "tired", though, which was also part of our deal with her living with us. In short, I feel like DM is getting all the benefits of living here and I'm making all the sacrifices. I'm the working parent, too (DH is SAHD), so the pressure is on me (thankfully, and not DH) to keep working at a level to afford our current mortgage plus the big bucks to add on to the house.

I've also recently discovered that I'm incredibly resentful that this will never be "my" house. I can't guarantee that I can have a private conversation in the kitchen with DH without my Mom walking in. I can't have a fight with DH, either. In fact, I'm in tears right now over the whole thing, because I have come to realize that I do NOT want my Mom living with me for the rest of her life (and if she moves in now, I can only assume it's forever), and I don't see any way out of it. Like you, Apricot, I can't afford to keep DM in her own place. The extra mortgage expense of adding on to my house is a fraction of what an apartment would be. Arrgh.

Sorry for the novel, but maybe my POV helps a little, and it helped me a LOT to write some of this down. Thanks.

[Jane]

Brenda - you are where I fear to be - resentful with no good options. I just don't see why I get all the responsibility because I'm the responsible one!! I mean, I do it because it needs doing. It's not easier for me - truly - why can't anyone see that? Saving money is hard. Going to work is hard. I don't like it any more than they do. I know dh's parents don't expect us to take them in, but I just can't see any other option.
I've decided that I'm not living with any other woman unless we each have our own kitchen. Separate entrances are needed, too.
I really appreciate what everyone wrote, your experiences. I see the need for ground rules from the start. I really like living in my own house. That's really important to me. I had underestimated that part.

[MomInFlux]

Writing the above post really wrung me out, emotionally. But I feel tremendously better having acknowledged out loud, to DH, that I don't want my Mom living with us for the rest of her life and that we have to help her figure something out. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel for the stress I've been feeling, which is a direct result of having my Mom "underfoot" plus the constant, low-grade, friction between my Mom and DH (both tolerate it admirably, but it makes me perpetually tense). After I posted, I asked DH to go to a senior apartment complex only about 5 minutes away that is right next to the senior center my Mom goes to to pick up an application (my Mom is out of town right now). They have a waiting list, but sometimes the wait is only a month or two, and they base rent on a sliding schedule and my Mom would meet the minimum income requirements. I'm prepared to help my Mom financially, even if it's more money than having her live here, because I learned (just today!) that I have to acknowledge what I need, and that is to have my house back to myself and my immediate family. I really believe that my long-term relationship with my Mom would suffer if she stayed.

Now I have to figure out how to have this conversation with my Mom. She's always saying "If this isn't working out, you need to let me know", but I haven't ever really thought she expected me to say, "you're right, it isn't working out." Sigh...

[Irishmommy]

((((Brenda))))

((((Apricot))))

[MomInFlux]

Oh - I've never gotten an online hug before! Thank you - it feels really nice

[foreverinbluejeans]

I have primary immune deficiencies (the Boy in the Bubble disease) and can't work. One of my medications costs over $6000 every three weeks and without it my life expectancy is 3-6 months. With the medication and as long as I live somewhere that is free of environmental tobacco smoke I am pretty healthy. I have arthritis and fibromyalgia but can take care of myself. I even give my IV medications to myself at home (I used to be a medical technologist).

I went back to college so we could live in smoke-free apartments. When I am around smoke from neighbors I have bronchitis or pneumonia numerous times a year. I will finish my doctoral dissertation in about a year. I won't be able to work because I can't loose Medicaid that pays for my meds. I'm 48 and my kids are 25, 22, and 16. They also have immune deficiencies that don't need treatment now but will start requiring the expensive IV medication when they are around 30. The 25 year old works in a medical lab and the 22 year old is a cardiac care nurse.

I don't know where my youngest son and I will live when we can no longer live in university housing. I could die if I move into an apartment and have neighbors that smoke. I've become allergic to many antibiotics. There are no smoke-free section 8 apartments in our state. I will also have to try to live on less than $600 a month SSI.

I worry about my children being sad if I die. I have very good relationships with each of them. With good medical care I could live to be 100 - I just don't know. I'm one of the oldest survivers with my kind of immune deficiencies. I've thought about moving far away so they aren't so sad when I die. They think that is a really stupid idea.

My kids know I will probably have to live with one of them. They sometimes joke about putting me in a nursing home (now). My oldest would never let that happen. My middle son figures I will live with him, he will probably make the most money and will be able to have a big house. He is engaged and she and I get along well. She does have a strange family. He has known her for about 5 years. My youngest son has developmental delays and we aren't sure he will be able to pass the GED and what the future holds for him.

My mother lives in another state. My father died of lung cancer and she has remarried and doesn't want to be a mom or grandmother. She has perfect health. I would never let her live with me. She is a mean, negative person.

I hate that I will have to live with my kids and am always trying to think of alternatives. What will my daughter-in-law think about me living with them. At least I could help with their children. Maybe I could live in an RV. I like camping and nature. But where would I get the money for an RV.

Right now I can focus on finishing my doctorate. I don't know how things will work out in the future. Maybe they find a cure.