Broken heart

[foreverinbluejeans]

No one ever tells you how much your teen/adult children can break your heart. Those of us who AP hope that the teen years will be easy and that children will grow up to be adults we are proud of. We are less likely to talk about broken hearts.

My oldest son broke my heart when he decided at 17 to go and live with his father. It turned out he had been molested by his scout leader, didn't tell me, and wanted to get out of town. Moving in with his father turned out to be a terrible decision. He went to the wrong college for the wrong reasons and failed out (he could have been a strait A student). He was hoping his father would spend time with him and love him - things his father can't/won't do.

We moved to where my son had been going to college when he was 20. He moved in with us and started putting his life back together. I call the years from 17 to 21 or so his period of temporary insanity - he agrees. He is now 25 and is almost done with training to be a medical lab technologist.

My heart is still broken. He moved away. He failed at college the first time. He smokes. Most of all, he didn't tell me he had been molested. His two younger brothers ended up being molested by the same man (my oldest son did not know). He blames himself. I blame him but don't tell him so. My youngest son was the one to finally tell me. He was molested when he was only 7.

They knew we had to go to the police. The scout leader plead guilty and spent one year in jail and two years in prison. My sons think that is long enough and that prison had to be a terrible experience. When the story hit the news there were other children/teens who came forward to say they too had been molested. He was only prosecuted for my children. I would like to run the scout leader over with my car. Several times. I wish I could. I trusted the scout leader. We knew him for years. I was involved with the scout troop and often went on campouts with the troop. My son was an Eagle Scout. I did everything 'right' and my children ended up being molested.

[Alegria]

That is very sad. I wish for healing for you and your sons.

[journeymom]

I'm so very, very sorry. I wish I had a time machine for you.

[crayon]

I am sorry this happened to your boys.

I read this post several times, and keep thinking of it, and I wanted to post, but had to get my feelings about what you said in tact first.
This is what got me so upset:

"My heart is still broken. He moved away. He failed at college the first time. He smokes. Most of all, he didn't tell me he had been molested. His two younger brothers ended up being molested by the same man (my oldest son did not know). He blames himself. I blame him but don't tell him so."

I think that looking into the emotions of a victim is so important. Running, fear, embarrassment, failure, addiction all all normal behaviors. I understand that his brothers were victims by the same sick man. But this is in no way your sons fault, he is not the sick one. He did what he felt he had to do to survive. He was in survival mode. Blaming him for your pain as a mother of molested children and the pain of your other boys will not help anyone mend the broken pieces this man created. I would think as a mother, your broken heart would come with what happend to all your sons, and not blame them (or one). I would think your broken heart would be the look in their eyes, the fear they feel, the sexuality that has been taken from them. Perhaps you feel this, but you didnt express that. And to blame your son for these actions or the lack of his prevention of these actions is wrong.

You need to deal with these feelings, or you will spend your whole life upset inside at your DS, for actions that were not his own. He needs to deal with his self blame, and that is on him to deal with. However, he has in no way broke your heart. Your ideal of what should have happened, what shouldn't have happened and what should have been is what broke your heart. His failure in school is his own, it is not up to you to mend that- even if it looks like he has started too. Him moving was his choice and didn't have to do with his love or lack of love for you. It was running...

I hope that you and your boys are getting healing from this, and that you will see that it is not your son that has broke your heart, it is a nasty pervert that should be castrated and locked up forever. You son did what he had to do. Thank god he can talk to you now. Many mothers and fathers never have a relationship with their kids where their kids can talk about stuff like that- even years later.

I don't want to come off bitchy or rude, I just don't think your issue is with your son breaking your heart. The problem is with the feeling every mother would get when her children are violated, except you are directing some of the blame to the one it happened to first. Take all your anger and direct it to stopping people like this, to making better laws, to educating boys it is okay to tell. Redirect your hurt and anger, you will feel much more peace with your older son the sooner you forgive and stop the blame on him.

[Arduinna]

I'm so sorry ((HUGS))


Crayon, that was a beautiful post.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Thanks crayon. I agree with a lot of what you have to say. Some days are better than others. Right now I am working on my dissertation for my doctor of science and can't move. The scout leader spent one year in jail and two in prision. He moved back to the city where we must live. I've seen him and am always alert that we might see him at the store, ect. I think things will be better once we can move.

[Bestbirths]

I think it is really important not to blame your oldest son. He didn't molest anyone. I don't think he should be held accountable. Lots of people get molested and don't tell anyone, and it isn't a reflection on their parents or on them. He was young at the time, he wasn't an adult. Remember that children do not think like adults and they do not respond like adults. They are just kids. They get scared when they are molested, and abused, and who knows, for all we know this scout leader could have used threatening, coersion, and many other things to keep your son quiet. I don't blame your son, and I think that if you continue to blame him it could destroy your family. I read a book called Non Violent communication that talks about how to not blame. It was very helpful for me. Even AP parents, however proud and confident they may be about their connection with their children, can have a child be molested and not tell anyone. I feel very sad that this happened to you and I wish you lots of healing and fun family time together.

[Red]

Our good paretning doesn't protect our children from life, or make them good people. Being AP or a 'Pearl' follower or strict or permissive doens't make our lives easier or turn out different adults.

You parent the way you do because you take pride in doing your job well and wish to make your childrens childhoods as pleasant and educational as possible.

Do not hold yourself or your son accountable. Blame the prevert, know that you were available and ready to help if they had come to you. You did the besst you could with the information you had.

My oldest ones have held some surprises. But I've been successful as a parent because now they are happy, healthy, capable of giving and receiving love, gentle and hard-working. If I tried and failed, then so be it. I tried.

So have you. So is your son. Go on from here in peace.

[Jenne]

I would encourage you to see a counselor. Although you were not the one molested, you were violated by that man. You need to deal with your feelings so that you can help your family to heal. As a mother you feel so much guilt which is so easy to turn into blame and anger even hatred. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go seek counseling help to process this. Something was taken from you, a counselor can help you get it back!

If you need help finding someone in your area I would be happy to assist you, just pm me.

Hope that you find peace,

Jenne

[Bestbirths]

I think that the things that you explained that your son did after the trauma all sound normal for being a trauma victim too, like crayon said. Running (moving), addictive behavior (smoking), periods of insanity, and trouble in school. There are studies that show that kids who have suffered or witnessed trauma have trouble learning. You wonder why some kids in the projects have lower test scores, well, after seeing people get shot on a regular basis it effects the brain and can make it difficult to learn. The same applies, when anyone goes through trauma, there is a grieving process, and sometimes during this healing time learning just slows or stops. It has nothing to do with how smart you are. I think this school trouble is completely normal. I am just so proud of your son and your family that you are supporting him, and that he was able to go back to college the second time and be successful. Yay for him.