At the end of my rope

[ShelleyMom2in2]

Im not sure if this is the right place to put this but I am at the end of my rope, Im so exhausted and I just dont have any paitnence with my son. He understands what I say but he wont listen. I tell him his baby brother is sleeping and he still tries to -touch,bite,hit,shove a binkie in babys mouth (baby doesnt take a binkie) etc etc. He is very loving to his brother (6 wks old) but he is so rough. He keeps the baby up all day because he WHINES constantly. Right now for instance he is crawling all over me trying to get to the baby and he is whining and crying. I try to put him with his toys and play with him for a bit but as soon as I try to get anything done, do ANYTHING (including pee : ) he cries. I so want to spank him. I have the urge all the time. I was spanked and I know its wrong. Whenever I take him away from what Im trying to do he screams and cries and slams himself on the floor. Right now trying to write this he is climbing on me and crying. I put him on my lap and he cries more. He just wont stop. He wont be quiet. He wont play by himself. He is 16 mos old. I need a break. Im at this 24-7 it seems. DS#2 (6wks old) goes to sleep around 11pm-12am,is up at 1-2am to eat, DS#2 is up at 2:30 to eat, ds#2 is back up at 3 or 4 to eat and then DS#1 is up for the day around 5. I mean I just cant take this. I dont know how to make him be QUIET. I need some time where there isnt a baby screaming in my face. Today when I put him in bed for a nap, I thought he was asleep. Well he wasnt and 'popped' back up and gave me a bloody nose. Later he wanted my attnetion so he head butted me in the back of my head. I saw stars.When he cries the baby cries. Its like a mad house in here. When DH comes home it doesnt get much better,and on weekends DH goes golfing or goes plays poker. So I never get a break. I want to be a good Mom but I just cant figure out what to do to make everyone well behaved and happy. I know spanking isnt the answer, DH is totally PRO spanking so its even harder to resist it when Im frustrated, tired and hungry (its 2:51pm and I havent gotten breakfast yet) I dontg have family here to help (Im in AZ, they are in Canada, inlaws are in NM) My best friend does what she can but she works 96 hrs a wk. Id really appreciate some advice on how to parent better. My 16 mos old is just out of control (as well as i am)
please help

[kathipaul]

Oh my, first of all, your dh needs to stay home and help you. I can't believe he is out having fun when you are working 24-7. Just talk to him, badger him if you have to, explain to him what you wrote in this thread, and get him to stay and help you. It is absolutely unacceptable that he is out having fun and not helping you. We live in the 21st century usa and men are supposed to be more involved in the parenting. Maybe he should be put on Dr. Phil. That guy would certainly have a lot to say to your hubby about how he needs to pull his weight more!

Spanking is not the answer. Your s#1 needs more attention than you can give. It is normal. He is still a baby. Maybe you can buy the Dr. Sears Discipline book and read it and share it with dh. It has lots of ideas about spanking and why it is not good. Sounds like you may also need some other help. Is there anyone else who can help you? Is there a daycare your ds#1 could go to once in a while for fun and to give you a break. There are no easy answers here. I would also look on the internet or in the white pages for information on organizations who help families. When my dd was a newbie, I attended a great parenting program designed to help new moms deal with the frustration of being a mom. There must be an organization near you. Mine was run through the county.

Whatever you do, keep reaching out for help. Your little ones both need lots of attention right now and it may be more than you can handle. I could not handle two under age two. Don't be afraid. Ask for the help you need from everyone, including your dh. Before something happens to you or your kids, get your family, including your dh, to understand that you need help. I don't mean to imply that you will do something to your kids, but it could happen. You need to be blunt. Ask for help until you get it.

Good luck!

[canadiangranola]

Mama,
I feel your pain. I'm pregnant with dc2 and there are days when i feel that one is more than enough. !6 months was a rough age for us here too, all sorts of new skills coming into play (walking, talking, running) and lots of frustration with not being able to do what they want to because they are physically not capable yet. I'm going to gently remind you that your oldest is still only a baby himself. That's not to make you feel worse than you already do, but just to give you a sense of perspective on how he is acting. When he head butts you in the face...he is NOT doing it on purpose. He is probably feeling pretty displaced by the new baby, and wondering why mom is so focused on this new little being that lives at his house. If he is clingy and whiney, part of that is normal 16 month behaviour, part of it is really needing to be reassured that he is still loved and important.

You for sure need to tell dh how you are feeling...he needs to support you, and his day does not end when he gets home from work, or on the weekends. Parenting is a 24/7 job, and not just for the mom. You are both responsible for these babies, and although you are the primary caregiver during the day, DH needs to step up to the plate.

I don't know where you guys are at financially, but is thee any way you could pay a university/high school student to come over for a couple hours 1-3 times a week and just entertain/care fo your oldest child? The one on one time with a fun adult would probably be a great time for him to decompress a bit, as well as allowing you some much needed time to unwind. Can you take an evening out, alone...even just a couple of hours. I am always amazed at how much just sitting alone in a coffee shop and reading a book without interuption for an hour or two can help me feel more relaxed and able to cope with my kid.

If dh gets time out on the weekends, so should you. It's so important to take that time, and DH needs to support you fully in that. If he gets saturday night to play poker, YOu should take saturday afternoon to go get a haircut, read a book, take a nap...whatever. It's so important to not forget to nurture yourself. When you are empty, you have nothing left to give your kids...and it's so much easier to refuel if you aren't completely already burnt out. When ds was born, I didn't want to ask for/need help, and I let myself get really isolated and depressed. Not good. You need to ask for help in real life, and if that means paying someone to clean your house/watch your kids for awhile, so be it. You will be a better mama for it, meaning you will have happier kids.

Mama, you are in what is said to be one of the hardest times of parenting, transition from one kid to two kids. You can do this, but you need to rally support around you.

Please don't spank your baby. Even if I did believe in spanking, and I don't, your ds is soooo young. Try to remember that he is just a babe too, so hard when he hurts your new little one...but up until 6 weeks ago, he was the center of the world.

One last suggestion, I've heard lots of mamas here use it with success. Even when you are frustrated with ds, act lovingly towards him, hug him, cuddle him, and force yourself to remember what you love about him. If you act lovingly, you will feel loving. I don't mean that to sound glib, I just thought it was wise advice when i read it a few months ago.

Peace mama, please take care.

[Mom_on_the_move]

I really don't have any "pearls of wisdom" for you, but I did want to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are not the only one who has experienced this. I have 2 beautiful daughters who are 14 1/2 months apart, and when DD2 was born my husband was just beginning to work on his dissertation for his Ph.D., and had no time to help.

The beginning certainly was rough - the first 3 months or so are a blur. DD1 was also rough with her sister, but that has somewhat subsided now. We just kept telling her that "hitting hurts" and "it is not nice to hit (or bite or poke or stick the binky back in the baby's mouth)" I did find it helpful to let DD1 help with DD2. She could get me a diaper or a wipe, or hold the binky, or gently touch her sister (we focused a lot on how to be gentle). SHe even helped my give her a bath a few times. This might help for you. I also find that now DD1 really needs to be engaged in activities all of the time, or she does get more aggressive toward her sister. Since I can't always sit with her, I have found a few things that she really enjoys and I can direct her towards if she is idle (her magna-doodle is a big one). I did also resort to a pack-and-play at times (although I wore DD2 quite a bit) to keep her sister from getting to her. This did allow me to give DD1 some quality one-on-one time that she craved as well.

The only other thing I can think of that I did that really seemed to make a difference was playing quiet music (I like Bengali Lulaby) and I got a book on baby yoga, and we did that every night for a while. We still do it sometimes and DD1 really likes it, but the most important thing is that it was a relaxing activity that kept DD1 engaged. You may not be interested in yoga (btw, I had never done any yoga before this), but you may be able to find some other activity that you can do with the kids that can help you relax and keep the kids happy.

Good luck, sorry for the rambling, I hope something helps!

[Piglet68]

As a mom of two myself I know how exhausting it can be. What helps me when I am at the end of my rope is to stop and force myself to place myself in DD's shoes. I force myself to see past her behaviours in terms of how mad they are making me, and see it from her perspective. A new baby is a very hard and huge transition, and 16 months IS a tough age. When I do this, it helps me calm down and stop wanting to be "punitive". It's like a Zen thing for me...

[mamaduck]

I feel for you. I think lots of mamas feel just as you do, and its not fair that you are all alone. This is too much for one person. Your Dh needs to be at home when he's not at work. The kids need this as much as you do.

The hardest adjustment (for me) to having a 2nd child was the way my feelings toward the first child changed. It was like I couldn't see him as my baby any more -- I lost the desire to "baby" him. I wanted him to just grow up already so that I could deal with the smaller one. But 16 months is still very much a baby, and he can't be expected to act reasonably. For me, the job required a sort of forced consciousness -- I had to tell myself over and over that my "big kid" was still really little, and still needed to be treated like a little guy. Its not easy.

I do hope your Dh is not spanking your 16 month old *baby.* I get a sick feeling thinking about it.

Another thing you might consider is joining a new mom's group of some sort. You can call hospitals and churches to try to find something. It can sometimes be helpful to have a support network of friends who are in the same boat.

Finally, try to remember that it isn't your job to:

....figure out what to do to make everyone well behaved and happy

Its your job to meet their basic needs and to love them. But they won't always be well behaved and they won't always be happy, and thats okay. Well behaved and happy are not things you can force on anyone, including babies. You can guide them towards good behavior but it is a process. And you can nurture happiness, but they will be unhappy sometimes whatever you do. So try to lighten up on yourself a little bit. Think in terms of "getting by" for right now, and try not to worry about making everything perfect. This is about survival right now, kwim?

[mommyofshmoo]

Hey, i haven't read all responses, but here's my thoughts.

Firstly, 16 months is still a baby. It is a very needy age. My dd was non-stop work from 8-18 months. IME 16 month olds don't play alone. They don't follow directions unless you physically help them do what you say. One can't expect a 16 month old to suddenly grow up just because a new baby is around. In fact, the oposite is generally true.

As for spanking- I dont think it would do you any good even if you did do it, seriously. What your son needs is lots of guidance and gentle, consitent discipline. This is something you do not have the time or energy to provide all by yourself right now.

You need a babysitter.

It's just that simple.

I, too have a dh who's unavailable a lot. Also, my dh, while a good dad, does not do the Mr. Mom thing. However, you need to let dh know that you need more help- either he has to help you or he needs to shell out for a mother's helper.

Good luck!

[diane1969]

Yep, if DH has money to play golf and to gamble, then let him know that you are hiring some help. You *cannot* be expected to do it all.

[mamapajama]

Hugs to you mama. I didn't read all the replies, so this is probably redundant. My two ds's are 2 1/2 and 5 months, and I remember how unbelievably hard those first two months are with a new baby. You need a break and some sleep. I hope you can get your husband to give that to you. Demand it, for you and your family. Things will get easier and your ds will adjust, and you will get more sleep. I demand a break everyday from dh. We both work hard, but my job goes all night too. I find what really helps me is to go for a walk. During the day, when I'm losing my cool, I wait until the baby is asleep, throw the toddler in the tub, and climb in with him. A bubble bath calms us both down. I also take a few minutes of "calm down time" in the bathroom or my bedroom when I am at my breaking point. Also, a video once in a while isn't going to hurt your ds, and then you can at least lie down on the couch for a little while. Hang in there.

[bamamom]

I agree!!!!!!!! If there is money for poker and golf, then there is money for a teenage babysitter, a girls night out or whatever suits your fancy. DEMAND that he help you more. He might complain that he has to get up and go to work everyday, but heck! you're working before you even get out of bed in the morning !!!!!!!!!Can I get an amen?? I have a friend with 7 kids...her husband barely was in the door when she shoved a baby in his arms and ran. And sheis AP and all that. It is normal and okay tohave those feelings, and yes spanking always looks appealing when you're about to blow a fuse. But spanking him over wanting you to himself wouldn't make sense to him. Try some of the suggestions listed in other posts and get some weekend time alone while you leave the kids with your dh. Hugs and good luck!!!!!!!

[jmom]

[QUOTE=bamamom]Can I get an amen?? QUOTE]

Amen!

Criminy... Money for golf and games, but you're sleep-deprived and on the verge of spanking? This guy needs an education!

Hang in there, mama! We're rooting for you!

[Mrs Dimples]

Poor mama! You have gotten some good advice from the other ladies here...I don't really have anything to add, especially in light of the fact that I only have one child (although he is the same age as your oldest, as you know, and GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY that child is demanding!) This is a difficult age uner the best of circumstances. I just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking about you and I'm sending you a great big long-distance hug! All the tears and sweat and effort that you are putting into raising these children with love and respect will NOT go unrewarded.