I don't know how to handle this

[beckyh]

When ds gets mad, upset or frustrated he gets very mean. For instance, today in the car we were on our way home and ds (2) got upst becasue I told him that daddy was going to have to work tomorrow and would not be able to stay home like we had planned. He got very upset and started crying for his daddy. I tried to comfort him with words since he was in his carseat in the back and I was driving and was unable to comfort him in my arms. Then he started saying things like, "I don't love you", "I want you to go away", etc. THis really hurts my feelings and I know he does it to get a reaction out of me. Si I saud to him, "Mommy is not going to talk to you is you keep saying mean things. When you say mean things it hurts my heart." He kept on and on. I tried not to let it get to me, but come on, how can it not?

How would you handle this situation? It has happened more than just this once that is why I need to know what to do, apparently my approach is not working.

[Runningmommy]

Okay, myheart goes out to you because it is hard to hear hurtful things from our kids (or anyone)!! I have been there. My four year old just recently told me he hates me and I have no idea where he would have heard that either. Just keep reminding yourself that they are saying it to get a rise out of you but that they realy don't mean it. Until they are older and DO mean it for the time being. Know in your heart that you are a wonderful mama and do what is best for your children and lvoe them with all your heart.

I have several different approaches depending on my mood, the child's mood, how much energy I have and where we are. Sometimes its best to ignore it all together if its a full blown tantrum. I then talk to ds later to tell him it's okay to have the feelings but not to say hurtful things. I tell him what he said that hurt my feelings so that he knows exactly what I am talking about. Then I give him examples of how to say what his feelings are such as "I am really angry that I can't watch 5 movies right now" instead of "I hate you". I tell them (I have three ds's) that they will still get their feelings out and across to me that way.

Sometimes sayign their feelings at the time of upset helps "I hear that you are really sad/angry/etc". Sometimes it helps to turn it into something funny "you sound so angry you could run faster than a heard of elephants!!" or I get out my magic wand and do what ever comes to mind with it. They usually join in with this one and start having fun or just talking about things. It can be really outrages or just putting their wishes into words. "It sounds as though I need to pull out my magic wand. I'm going to wave it in the air and from the sounds of your anger I need to turn myself into a frog. Ribbit. Once I'm a frog how am I going to hold my magic wand? Oh, you'll need to pick it up. I'll be trying to ask you to turn me back itno Mommy, but you're so mad, you might use it to send me to the swamp! Then what will you do, fill the van with candy?" Or, "with my magic wand, I could put all the money in the bank we would ever need, then daddy could stay home with us everyday. When we got tired of staying at home together our magic wand could take us to the beach." YOu get the idea.

Good luck and give yourself a hug!

[beckyh]

Thank you so much for the advice. It hurts my feelings sometimes that I just don't know what to do and freeze up. I will remember you advice though and use it the next time this happens (hopefully never again).

[foreverinbluejeans]

There may be times you can expect your toddler to be upset and try to avoid or minimize the situation. Telling him in the car was difficult because you had to drive. The situation may have been avoided by waiting until later to tell him or by having his father tell him.

Sometimes moms who want to be good moms will be too nice. They may say, "Bobby, honey, it really hurts my feelings when you say things like that, sweety." It's OK to respond in ways that will get your meaning across by tone of voice, not by threatening.

I have 3 boys and have been a single mother since I was pregnant with the third (they are now 25, 22, and 16). They learned at a young age that life was a lot more fun if I was happy. I am so glad that I had been an effective mother when they were young so that parenting always stayed pretty easy. If I had relied on intimidation I would have been in big trouble once they were bigger than me (I'm 5'2").

I am most concerned that you think your son is doing this to get a reaction out of you. Remember, you are the parent and you are the one in control. If he says awful things don't let it hurt your feelings, he's just a toddler. You can say, "I know you don't mean that and I'm not going away." Lecturing doesn't work with toddlers/young children and even most older children.

[Alexander]

It's really hard when the apple of your eye runs a knife through your heart, but... when your less than 5, there is very little that they can control, and you have to pour on the sympathy.

We are old enough to rationalize the unintended hurt, so we just have to stomach it.

Avoid the guilt come back while they are "out of control" and expressing them selves.

"I hate you daddy!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Go away!"
"yeah, in a second. Let me finish my lunch first though" etc.

Later, you may well get deep heart felt appologies for earlir knife.

Hope this helps

a