I want to know... - Page 2

[LunaMom]

I have experienced my child doing something she is not supposed to do, then come and tell me about it, without a trace of fear (of punishment) on her face ("mama, I went into the fridge and I broke an egg") and then take my hand to go get her a cloth to wipe it up with.

Piglet68, my child does the same thing. I think this is further "proof" that GD works. She understands that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, and she truly feels bad when she does something wrong. And that kind of "feeling bad" comes from within, from a good conscience, rather than from external sources. Too many children who are disciplined only by punishment and not with sensitivity think that things are wrong because "I'll get in trouble" rather than truly understanding that their choice of behavior matters much more than that. If my daughter broke an egg, she would feel bad because a mess was made and that food was wasted, but she wouldn't be afraid of punishment.

This is a really great thread.

[our veggie baby]

Thanks mamas and keep them coming!

you are teaching me better ways to teach and discipline our coming daughter and I thank you for it!!

just to clarify to the other poster, it's not that I think children can't learn and be "disciplined" under around 3 persay, I just feel in my experience it isn't really until around that timeframe that children actually start grasping cause/effect, that what they do can have consequences as a direct result of their choices etc....just to clarify, meaning I am not going to put pressure on like, a one year old to understand that they "made a concious choice to misbehave" because I don't believe they grasp that concept--that's all!

[sagira]

Positive Discipline

Only the second one applies to me.

We try to limit nos, but at the same time think it's necessary to teach him the word so he knows to tell others (it can be helpful to tell others "no" when someone's touching him inappropriately and I believe it will help him become assertive). One phrase he knows really well at 17 mos is "not for ds' name".

Instead of punishment we:

-give choices
-supervise, supervise, supervise (before things get out of hand)
-redirect (tell them what they CAN do)
-use positive time-out (cooling off period)
-focus on solutions together (instead of blame)
-take time for training (for life and social skills)
-plan ahead
-involve children (in the planning process and basically everything you do)
-use "I" messages
-let them help
-encourage rather than praise or punish
-focus on winning children over instead of winning over children
-use your sense of humor
-listen to children
-give lots of special time and affection
-enjoy your children
-be kind and firm
-make sure children know you are on their side
-let children experience natural consequences
-teach logical consequences (opportunity=responsibility)

Those are the ones I remember right now.. there are 41 in my book Positive Time-Out by Jane Nelsen. That book has saved my sanity and I'm enjoying my role as a parent, nurturter and feel relaxed and confident in my AP-parenting relationship. I also enjoy my child much more instead of worrying about every little thing.

Cheers,

[sagira]

Oh, a few more!

A couple more important action tools I find myself using that really work are:

-say what you mean and mean what you say (follow through)
-decide what you will do

I'm big on being respectful (and in doing so teaching respect) to my child.

Cheers,

[maya44]

I agree you can't lump these together. Here is how it works for us.


"we never say 'no' or 'don't' in our house, those are negative words so we never use them"

This is silly to me. (sorry). I hate when kids don't understand the word no. I guess if you used it every minute a kid could "tune out." but that has not been my experience.


"we are against punishments, we don't use them at all"

No, we don't punish, in the sense of taking away a privlege or enacting some consequence unrelated to the misdeed.

We use some logical consequences, like if you can't stop hitting your sister with the toy, I will take it away. But we don't use alot.

Mostly we simply express disaproval for actions that we feel were wrong. We say they were wrong and that we expect better in the future.


"I don't want my child to feel hurt if I don't let them do something they want to do"

Have no problem with my child feeling hurt because of this. Knowing how to deal with bad feelings (if not inflicted just for that purpose) is a vital life lesson.


"I would rather my child feel good about themselves then adhere to a certain set of rules"

Uh, so not!



So, what do we do? As I said mostly just have expectations for behavior and express disaproval when those expectations are not met. I know it sounds hard to believe, but this really does work well. My three girls are all very well behaved, joyful children.

[Foobar]

Originally Posted by our veggie baby

Thanks mamas and keep them coming!

you are teaching me better ways to teach and discipline our coming daughter and I thank you for it!!

just to clarify to the other poster, it's not that I think children can't learn and be "disciplined" under around 3 persay, I just feel in my experience it isn't really until around that timeframe that children actually start grasping cause/effect, that what they do can have consequences as a direct result of their choices etc....just to clarify, meaning I am not going to put pressure on like, a one year old to understand that they "made a concious choice to misbehave" because I don't believe they grasp that concept--that's all!

I disagree. Already we tell our 7 month old to not pull her sister's hair because that is not nice. Moo isn't doing it because she is malicious, but she is learning that we will gently guide her to something else. This will help her make choices.
My oldest isn't even 3 and we've been using GD all along. Trust me, at 18 months, she understood cause and effect. She is learning every day that her choices have consequences. She also is a 2 year old and she has impulse issues like every other 2 year old. I acknowledge that and when she hits me when she is angry, most of the time it is out of impulse, not because she thought, "Man, I hate mommy I need to hit her" she just acted without thinking. It's my duty to teach her (discipline her) so she can learn that hitting is unacceptable....

discipline is not about misbehavior....it is about self control and teaching