SAHM's.. how do you not lose yourself?

[loving-my-babies]

I'm so tired! I love being a SAHM and being with my kids.. until recently I had a PT job (1-2 evenings a week) and dh would stay with the kids. It did me so well because I really felt refreshed when I came home. Now that job is over (it was seasonal) and I can feel the stress getting to me! I can really see what GREAT things being 4 hours away from the kids and dh did for me! What a difference! I feel like I'm not motivated, I don't have any energy and I feel like I'm losing myself! I am ISO another job, btw, I have always dreamed about working for an airline so I'm applying to all the airlines that go in/out of my airport, I'm also bilingual so I thought I have a good shot. I haven't heard from any of the airlines, so I'm feeling discouraged. I know it's a really bad time to look for a job with airlines, because if they're not firing people, they're probably hiring people that were fired from other airlines, right? But I won't lose hope! I'll keep trying.. that's really the only thing I want to do. Dh doesn't understand me and says that why should I go out and work if I don't have to or need to. He tells me to get out of the house and go do different things, but not necessarily go to work.. the thing is.. if it's not for work.. I *know* I'll never take the time to go out. I know it! I've tried that! and it doesn't help that I'm a little controlling when it comes to how things are done with the kids, so I like things done right, and when I'm home, I like to do things because I do them better than dh (amazingly enough, when I'm working and come home dh has done an awesome job, so maybe it's got something to do with him doing things when I'm here)

anyway.. thanks for letting me vent.. my question, I guess.. is how do you NOT lose yourself?

[edamommy]

I don't know how not to lose myself... I'm so lost.

[loving-my-babies]

oh, Kimberley.. I'm so sorry! Don't feel bad, join me in the "lost mamas" club!

[aprons_and_acorns]

Can I join that club too? :

[polka hop]

*

[annethcz]

I work at home, which I feel is my creative outlet.

I also do a decent amount of volunteering- LLL and at church, which helps me to continue to feel like a smart, capable woman outside of my mothering role.

I also feel that playgroup is *my* social time. The running joke regarding our playgroup is that it's more for the moms than for the kids. And in many ways that is true. Sure, I have to keep an eye on my kids, but it's also a chance for me to socalize with other moms who have similar values and views.

Staying connected with my DH is also a big help. We try to go out of our way to take good care of each other. When DH does something extra special for me, it makes me feel very valued, which is incredibly reaffirming.

[LongLiveLife]

Sign me up for your lost club...


I can't take a part-time job. i'll lose my food stamps! Whatta trap...

[zinemama]

I'm a writer. I publish a zine about motherhood and other adventures. I do my writing during ds's nap and on the weekends when dh takes the kids and gives me time off. It keeps me going and helps me remember that I have an inner, creative life.

[loving-my-babies]

That's nice, my dh rests when I'm present, almost like if he knows I'm there, he stops doing things! Like for example, on a regular saturday, we get up, and dh will not THINK that our baby needs a diaper change! It just doesn't cross his mind! I get so upset because I ask him if he *expects* me to do it, or he's really THAT used to me doing everything that he just doesn't think about it!!! It's upsetting. I need to get a PT job, but I'm worried that if I get a temporary job, I'll get the airline job and then I'll have to quit the temporary job without much notice, and I don't want to do that to the first employer, kwim? so anyway... we should have our own little "mamas trying to find themselves" tribe..

[crunchy_mama]

I am lost as well. I cannot seem to get motivated to do anything. I am so out of shape and the house is a wreck half of the time. I keep saying it will get better when.... but I hate living in the future. I had all these dreams of what I would do when I was home. Lil man doesn;t sleep without me thou so I feel that I get no time

[sincitymama]

I am lost. Is membership free for this club? It's actually getting harder now that ds is older, I thought it would be the opposite. Maybe in a year or so? And now we're contemplating a new job for dh. It could mean a 50% salary increase right away and triple that within a couple years. given our debt it is very, very tempting. It would also mean we would see him for less than an hour a day more than half the week, and still rarely the rest of the days. So if I wanted a very part time job just for me or college classes like I've been thinking about, I'd have to find outside child care. I need to find myself, but when do you look if you don't have time to pee alone?

[heldt123]

...lost here too. Just going mad! I took a part time job two days a week also, but it is still tough, especially with morning sickness making work difficult. This web site helps, but then I'm usually neglecting something else. :

[AngelBee]

Ended up in here by accident...


That is how lost I am!!!

[Mamame]

I remember feeling this exact same way when my big kids were little. It was such an adjustment going from the schedule of work and having things kind of laid out for me (atleast what needed to get done with deadlines) and suddenly here I am with NO schedule, NO deadlines, someone to take care of and no plan. It was so hard!

Well, now it's almost 15 years later and I have 4 kids (2, 4, 12, 14) and I'm no longer lost. I know that my job IS my kids and raising them, homeschooling, keeping the home and all that goes with all of this. I have outside responsibilites - church (aerobics, a new mom's group I started just for this reason, services where I work, etc.), horseback riding (I train a friend's horse), shopping (just the general grocery and household stuff) and any other things I schedule like library classes. I have a plan for doing housework (www.motivatedmoms.com - AWESOME for me - much easier and less stressful than flylady) and I have a rough schedule for each day. It helps to know my plan and then I know if I've accomplished anything by seeing that plan. Now, some days the plans go down the tubes - especially if someone is not well - but I don't stress about that because, since my kids are my primary responsibility, I need to be there for them and the house can wait. I really find that having that bit of a schedule and chore list helps my day so much as does having some outside things going on.

((HUGS))!! I know it's hard but try to organize your day a bit and see if that doesn't help you. Don't forget to include things just for you - even if it's just taking a nice hot shower each day and setting a few hours a week aside for you to go out shopping or something. I'll bet that eventually, you'll begin to find more satisfaction in your life and what's going on and you'll be less lost.

[SuperMomof2]

Semi Lost

I know the main way I keep my sanity is getting time away, hubby is great about it, and my mothers groups. It also helps to read about others going insane.

These last couple of days have been hard for me too. Hang in there! It will all pay off. Volunteer is a good thing I think. I might try getting into that. Heck, I am just happy that hubby got a job after almost four months, now I have my house back!

[USAmma]

When you become a mother you give up part of yourself, plain and simple. Especially in the baby/toddler years.

In the process of stripping away most of what I defined myself by before kids (esp. before my special needs baby who requires a LOT of care), I have come to realize who I am at the core of my being. I would not have known myself as clearly, had I continued to surround myself with my achievements, job title, degree, and status in the community.

It is those defining moments that motherhood provides that really allowed me to know myself. Those 2AM moments when your back is tied in knots from spending the night in the rocking chair with a sick baby, those mountains of vomit-covered laundry, the worrying if you are going to screw your child up for life because you snapped at her, the moment when you see your child's life pass before your eyes as she is wheeled through the doors to surgery, or almost falls into the busy street but you catch her before she does. Those are the moments that motherhood gives you.

I know who I am now. I know what is truly important to me. I know how much inner strength I have. I know what my values are, and what my reaction will be when push comes to shove.

Instead of losing myself, I have found myself.

Yeah later I plan on having a career again, sometime in the distant future. I have dreams. But right now I'm fulfilling my biggest dream of all.

[Texasminx]

I don't know about being lost or not as I just let the moment roll. I try to be spontaneous with the kids and if dinner doesn't get made, well I won't fret, I am just going to slap some french toast and eggs on for a quickie meal or check the fridge for something microwavable. I get away for myself when I volunteer at the serving center and when I visit with the ladies at the nursing home. I think that is my favorite me time. They think I come to cheer them up, but it is for me as I always leave so happy and feel so much better when I leave them feeling better than when I arrived. I even take the kids to the nursing home at times. Everybody loves a baby and all of them learn something, like how to listen for one thing, from visiting.
Lou

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by USAmma

When you become a mother you give up part of yourself, plain and simple. Especially in the baby/toddler years.


It is those defining moments that motherhood provides that really allowed me to know myself. Those 2AM moments when your back is tied in knots from spending the night in the rocking chair with a sick baby, those mountains of vomit-covered laundry, the worrying if you are going to screw your child up for life because you snapped at her, the moment when you see your child's life pass before your eyes as she is wheeled through the doors to surgery, or almost falls into the busy street but you catch her before she does. Those are the moments that motherhood gives you.

I know who I am now. I know what is truly important to me. I know how much inner strength I have. I know what my values are, and what my reaction will be when push comes to shove.

Instead of losing myself, I have found myself.

I absolutely respect what you're saying, but sadly, I'm not nearly as pleased with the "me" mothering my children has helped me find. Some of that is because I've found that I struggle with depression, struggle being the operative word, and some of that is because, while I know I'm doing my best, my best isn't good enough for me!! It's not good enough for these babies God saw fit to bless me with either. I wish I had your outlook, USAmma! And I know you've got so much more difficulty to work through than I do. Sometimes I think I'm just too blessed, and that's what's wrong with me! I've been spoiled. I'm working on getting your attitude for myself, though.


Ann~ thanks for the motivatedmoms recommendation... I think something like that will really help me focus and keep things together! When I let things pile up, they inevitably come crashing down on me!


Texasminx~ I love your quotes! I have to believe the one about God's Will. *have* to believe that.

lizzie

[USAmma]

Originally Posted by lizzie

I wish I had your outlook, USAmma! And I know you've got so much more difficulty to work through than I do. Sometimes I think I'm just too blessed, and that's what's wrong with me! I've been spoiled. I'm working on getting your attitude for myself, though.

lizzie

I also struggle with depression, from childhood. I had very bad PPD with both babies. I still struggle probably 2 days out of 5. I think I came upon my outlook after reaching a low that was so low it scared me. Since my hands are tied right now with my options in life, I just had to find inner peace working with what I have been given at the moment. There are days when I struggle but I guess when you have it all stripped away, you learn to appreciate the good days.

I also think that traveling to India and seeing the lives of some of the women there, well I have it pretty darned good.

[HubbyLovin]

I sometimes feel lost too. I LOVE your outlook on life USAmomma! Sometimes its hard to think positive and find the good in things. or maybe you just forget to look...I dont know. But it's nice to see I'm not the only one!