SAHM's.. how do you not lose yourself? - Page 2

[Leilalu]

:LOL
Funny, I have been looking for myself lately. I think I found part of me- at least, I feel that way when I can do something creative. My artistic side must be satisfied regularly for me to feel like myself.Ds is so young-heck dd too-that it is really hard to ever get away. But working on different projects i make for myself around the house, with the kids, makes it all feel worthwhile. Also, I employ dh to help alot.It helps me stay sane some days when I feel like a milk truck, making stops to feed ds every half hour..
Still looking for answers here myself as well...

[DebraBaker]

I have felt that was for much of my adult life.

I love my children and feel as though what I've been doing is worthwhile but being a fulltime mother you feel like seed grain, die to the self so others may have rich lives.

I really think this is a shortcoming of traditional sahmothering.

I've reached another season in my life because my youngest, Julianna, is going to Kindergarten and I'm going to school. It's something just for me. I'm also training in Shotokan karate (that's with the kiddos so it doesn't count as seperate) I also think our having something of our own is modeling healthy balance for our daughters.

Debra Baker

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by USAmma

I also think that traveling to India and seeing the lives of some of the women there, well I have it pretty darned good.

That's a great point. Years ago, long before I had babies, I was able to visit Bangladesh. There just aren't words to express the need you see there, or the helplessness I felt. I need to focus on shifting my perspective!

lizzie

[wildmonkeys]

I too feel like in this current lifestyle I have found myself...

Sadly, that makes me depressed (it is probably my negative Eastern Euro upbrining )

No seriously, I liked school and was good at it. I liked work and was good at it. But this - I love. My kids are sweet, my dh is the nicest man I have ever known, my house is comfy and clean, I am not busy, I am not bored....I love just about every minute of everyday but the end is already in sight. My first baby starts kindergarten in the fall and my second is almost two. When I am an old woman, I will fondly recall the baby years as my favorite and they are almost over. I will be okay when I go back to work but I just don't know what to do with myself after this....nothing will ever compare.

Waaah....I am going to bed.

BJ
Barney & Ben
P.S. In my prior, professional life, I was an advocate for the poor. I know these aren't REAL problems....my life is so great (boo hoo) OTOH it is the first time in my life I have not known what to do next....is it wrong to keep having babies because it is fun????

[mojomom]

I have a great group of mom friends who are such a wonderful support system.
We really look out for each other and set aside time about once a week for all of us to get together, go out to dinner, see a movie go dancing or hang out at each others house playing cards. It is a time for us to vent, laugh, reveal things about ourselves, get advice or just a listening ear. It is my refuel time.
We also have a weekly playgroup, actually it is twice a week. When we get us and our kids together it is like a village thing, we all look out and help with each others kids. If we know or notice one mom that day or week is stressed out more then usual we will all just help her out extra, play with the baby while she gets to talk, take her kids to the bathroom or get their lunch together.

I don't kow why but just getting together with these women and commiserating about our lives and goals just has really helped me see what kind of person I am.

I also am the organizer of our playgroup of about 15 moms. I love the arena this gies me to be creative with crafts and projects, field trips and thems for the playgroup. I like the organizing and sending out the info and then reflecting on what it brings to the other families involved.

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

my life is so great (boo hoo) OTOH it is the first time in my life I have not known what to do next....is it wrong to keep having babies because it is fun????

I hope not!

[annakiss]

Originally Posted by DebraBaker

I also think our having something of our own is modeling healthy balance for our daughters.

I'd say and our sons as well!

In order to not get lost, I have to have things that I do outside of the house, or even inside of the house while my son runs off, and sadly, watches TV or something... Sometimes I go out with childless friends (all my friends my age are childless) to movies or to go shopping. Lately I had been really involved in local birth meetings (I went to five different meetings last month!), but I've stopped going due to my recent car accident. Regardless, I didn't take my son with me when I'd go to the meetings, and it was a great opportunity to talk to women about something of great interest to me, but to *really* talk without a child underwing was the key factor. Just because the subject matter might involve my child, doesn't mean he needs to be there.

Things that I do inside the house include hanging out at MDC, and making stuff. For Christmas this past year, I designed our cards and made a lot of the gifts we gave. It was great fun to feel creative. Taking the rare moment to write in my blog is a blessing - a time for self-reflection and uninterrupted thought. Right now, I've got two different big art projects on my plate - one is to make these photo collages detailing the 9 Lives of Cat (my mom) for her surprise 50th birthday party in March and the other is to make a TON of collages of food for the MDC cookbook art. Anyhow, it's stuff like that that reconnects me to who I am at my core, despite my recent year-and-a-half long break from it during DS's babyhood. And honestly, my life since getting pregnant with DS hadn't been happier. Until now.

[muse]

It's a rough journey, I have to say. I've ended up a SAHM entirely by accident. Whenever I work a few hrs a week I am so much happier and I have to say a *better* mother to DS. Now I'm about to launch into it all over again with #2 due in 6 weeks part of me is terrified, knowing only too well how hard the first few years can be. But I also know there's light at the end of the tunnel; DS is in playgroup 3 am's a week and I get to use that time however I like. I thought I'd use it getting back my creative side (playing music, drawing) but that's so far gone for me right now I've learned it's better to use it going on a big hike or something where I'm not putting any pressure on myself to be "productive".

R.e. women in India, I have to say I had a different experience of travelling there and while I saw the economic poverty I could only envy the strength of community and family there that meant mothers were not isolated the way they are in our society. our roles as SAHM's are so unnatural and go so unsupported in our culture it's no wonder we feel lost. I dream of living in the Himalayas for a year when my kids are older...

[rainbowmoon]

:

[USAmma]

R.e. women in India, I have to say I had a different experience of travelling there and while I saw the economic poverty I could only envy the strength of community and family there that meant mothers were not isolated the way they are in our society. our roles as SAHM's are so unnatural and go so unsupported in our culture it's no wonder we feel lost. I dream of living in the Himalayas for a year when my kids are older...

Getting off topic, but there are two sides to everything, and it also depends on the family. I was talking about the huge social pressure that comes on most women in India, unless they have a very supportive, open-minded, wealthy family to support their dreams. I agree that we are very isolated here. I would love to be closer to an extended family to have more support. OTOH I like having the freedom to make my own choices.

My MIL's family was fairly well off but she had to give up her dream of being a doctor in order to enter an arranged marriage at age 15. She was allowed to finish high school before having her two children starting at age 19. She lived with her IL's in a joint family and while she had lots of help with the kids when they were young, she also had very little say in how they were raised. She was told to give my dh meat even though she was veg herself and wanted to raise her kids veg, for example. She also was in charge of caring for some elderly extended family members that were living in the house, in addition to her children and husband. She had very little say in anything because it wasn't her house.

She finally got her own home when her kids were older (well sort of, she lives upstairs and her MIL lives downstairs). She works part time running a business with my BIL, and still has to care for her house and her elderly MIL. She is hoping that Abi becomes a doctor to fufill the dream she gave up. That is really sad, huh? On the plus side both my dh and his sister entered into love marriages, not arranged marriages.

Darshani

[muse]

Darshani, really interesting to hear your MIL's story. Yes, I guess you can look at these things from many perspectives. Easy for me to idealise a situation I haven't lived in, also. Which is part of why I'd like to try living and raising my children in another culture for some time. Just finished reading The Continuum Concept which affirmed for me exactly why I've been feeling so lost in this SAHM role, but that's a whole other thread...

[BlueStateMama]

Before I made the decision to SAHM w/ DS, I thought long and hard about this issue. I finally figured out that it wasn't my career that defined me, and tried to get at what made me who I am...my intellectual curiosity, sense of humor, interests, etc. THOSE are the attributes that make me "me", they were there before I became a lawyer and remain to this day. Also, I find parenting has brought out sides of me I never knew I had, good and bad I also keep in mind that the baby/toddler years are so, so short (a wise woman once told me, "The days go by slowly, but the years go by fast") and I have found this to be so true. There will come a day when DS (and DD to be, and possibly a subsequent child) will grow up and my hands will be freed a bit, and I keep in mind that it will likely sneak up on me. I just find that looking at being a SAHM from the perspective that these young years are so brief, and try to keep it in the framework of my entire life. I'm not saying I don't have long days, but when I do I try and take a step back and look at rougher spots in the context of my whole life with my children.

[MamaMonica]

This is a powerful thread. Thanks to everyone here. I'm variously lost and found. Debra Baker, I so agree that there is a scarifice. And Darshani, to be here in this moment is a profound acheivment.

I sometimes think losing yourself and hitting bottom can be important to finding yourself... your real self. Which isn't always what you thought you were looking for.

I was able to more "me" with one child. With two- my old self is gone. Forever. Some days I just break down and cry at the intensity of it. My second child is very demanding and has some health challenges- there is sometimes no rest.

[muse]

Originally Posted by monnie

I was able to more "me" with one child. With two- my old self is gone. Forever. Some days I just break down and cry at the intensity of it.

Eek...have I been kidding myself thinking it will be easier with a second one because I know better what I'm getting in to?