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playful parenting - Page 3

post #41 of 116
Thread Starter 
PP is helping me just get DS out the door for playdates. He'll say "I don't want to go to K's. I don't want to fight." Which they do....it doesn't seem to make it easier for him that he's the one who usually does the physical attacking.

So I say "I'm K. Hi!" which he loves, and we fight over playdough a little bit, and then he just wants me to play with him (This way he can get me to play trucks ) , and then it's time to go and he just goes. They are still having a lot of conflicts that upset them both--same with his other buddy--but at least he's willing to keep trying. I'm wanting to play with him about hitting--his other buddy has added punches to her repertoire, tho DS has moved on from whacking to tackling and shoving--but am scared of losing control and the world ending, I htink ....maybe I will relax soon and be able to work on that with him.

Does anyone have a thought about PP approaches to "I hate you Papa, go away, you are so bad!" ---DS likes DH much of the time, but if he's tired or especially if he's upset he just gets unbelievably hostile.
post #42 of 116
Checked it out of the library and I love it! I've even got DH reading some of it. It makes sooo much sense.
post #43 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denise K
Does anyone have a thought about PP approaches to "I hate you Papa, go away, you are so bad!" ---DS likes DH much of the time, but if he's tired or especially if he's upset he just gets unbelievably hostile.
Oh Denise, this can be soooo tough. My first thought was to do some sort of role play where your DS can try on the role of Dad? Not sure how that would work. My other thought was something that came to me over the weekend. When my DS is feeling insecure in an environment (like, when he wants to join in badly but doesn't quite know how and MOMS not helping much because she's dealing with her own social phobias , he will very often become quite hostile. Not in a physical way, but by giving a really grumpy face to everyone he comes into contact with... I admit, at times it's a little embarrassing and off putting to those he really wants to connect with. *sigh* We were in the city the other day and a huge park with TONS of kids. Nothing like here at our small town home. DS was giving the face all about and when we got to the swing he was STILL grousing. Finally I started looking at him with my grumpiest (read SILLY) face I could think of. I think I said something like, "I'm GRUMPY! LOOK AT MY GRUMPY FACE!" DS could NOT stop smiling and laughing, he thought it was sooooo funny. I remembered then about when Dr. Cohen talks about immitating being very helpful in some circumstances as long as it's not mocking and how the giggle can change the tone. It really helped and our rest of the time at the park was more happy and relaxed.

I wonder if your DH couldn't playfully counter back to your DS in a MOCK grumpy way, just play the part of the total little kid, "Well fine then! I'll just build with blocks by MYYYYYself!" and then do so and see if DS doesn't just join in. Sometimes instead of trying to break into our play, my DH will simply start playing something and DS will usually happily join in. Or perhaps, "No *I* want to play with Mommy!" in sort of a whiny silly way and then perhaps a mock tug-o-war scenario? It sounds as if they might just need a key to connecting. Remember when Dr. Cohen talked about his wife being the one who worked away from home all day and they needed to do something (I can't remember what it was), to help she and Emma connect when she got home so that she could accept mom back into play and heal from being away from her all day?

Anyway, my RAMBLING .02 for what it's worth!

The best,
Em
post #44 of 116
I just read that part about the wife. He would say "who's holding you?" to his DD. Sometimes the DD would cry but she was just letting out frustration at missing her mom.

On the "I hate you" thing - I just read where he says that kids will lash out to cover up feelings of missing the parent, being lonely, and wanting the person (parent) to play longer. Cohen said he will be leaving a session, and the child will call him a name, and he'll turn it into a game "shhh, don't tell anyone Stinky is my secret name and only my closest friends know that". It's not that the child is being rude by lashing out or namecalling, but that they want him to stay longer and aren't ready to let go right then. Maybe that is it with your DS and your DH? Maybe your DS is feeling bad (i.e., tired) so he labels his daddy as such.
post #45 of 116
Thread Starter 
Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm thinking about why DS does this thing with DH. Sometimes it's when DS is needing to cry or crying, and he can't stand for anyone but me to be near him when he's crying (unless I'm not there, and then DH is fine). Or when he's in the bathroom and DH comes down the hall--it's just an extreme way to demand privacy, either way.

Other times I think it's a rivalry thing--he doens't want anybody else around who I might talk to. (He doesn't know that this is a recipe for maternal insanity....) He yells at Grandma sometimes too, for htis reason. Maybe I should look at the sibling rivalry stuff again, and see if any of that applies. Unfortuantely I had PP from the library--then I told all my friends about it before I took it back, so I'll never see that copy again....

I'll talk with DH too about ways to respond in a playful way--when DS isn't crying, of course. Maybe that would help. It certainly isn't changing anything to lecture DS about mean words and kindness and all that.
post #46 of 116
Just started...on chapter 3...but like most of you it has already had an impact..mostly on my perception, not as much on my behavior...YET...workiing on it!!!

Looking forward to more!!!
Susan
post #47 of 116
I read this book a while back- maybe a year ago? I let a friend borrow it and need to get it back as I have all new questions and concerns now.

Out two biggest issues right now are...
My dd is not wanting to go to bed at night now and she wakes several times a night 3-4x a week now. I'm trying to figure this out....and how to be supportive and effective at helping her to sleep soundly again.
My dd is almost 3 years old and she seems to be outgrowing her nap- sort of. If she naps at all then she fights bedtime and is awake until 9-10pm if she doesn't nap she gets very cranky (VERY CRANKY!) by 4-5pm and usually goes to bed easily at her usual bedtime or a little bit earlier. Sometimes she still struggles at bedtime either way. I've tried playing the bedtime games with dolls and she's put me to bed, etc.

And, my dd isn't eating her dinner like she used to. She asks for something takes two bites, wants someting else but doesn't finish that either. It's not working for me becasue I make this food and don't want to waste it. Also, I'm tired, hungry, etc and need to eat too. I don't want to have these control issues around food so I basically draw the line with the choices and then let her decide if she'll eat or not...
but then at bedtime she's "I'm starving Mommy" and we're into the bedtime stalling techniques....
post #48 of 116
Thread Starter 
Oooh, I hear you. That sounds exactly like DS, who is 3.5, on all counts. The transition out of napping is SO HARD. We've been struggling with it for months now, and tho he never naps any more, he still gets crazy at 4 or 5. 13 hours is just too long for him to stay awake.... I assume this will get better eventually. Or anyway, he'll move out and get his own place one of these days.

On the food thing..... I am with you on setting out the meal and then letting dc decide about eating. the more we've tried to make ds eat (he's been skinny all along, and sometimes hardly eats at all), the more stressed we've all gotten, without him eating more. If ds doesn't like the food but seems hungry, I might offer him some leftovers from an earlier meal instead. But usually he's just too busy to eat.

My best solution is to give him a snack at bedtime--he can't sleep well if he hasn't eaten enough (could this be your dd's problem?). It's a different meal, is how I think of it--this is the bedtime snack, and each meal gets a blank slate. I don't worry about whether he ate supper at that point. Usually a banana or yogurt, sometimes in the bathtub --nothing hard to fix, and I don't give him choices at that point, just hand it to him and he is hungry enough to eat by then. I don't think it reinforces him not eating supper ( I could be wrong)--it just provides him with extra calories to survive till morning.. This is not stuff out of PP, it's just my experience.

Here is a PP type trick I use though, when I REALLY need for ds to eat (he's been fasting for 5 hours and we're getting ready to go to a playdate, for instance): I take a slice of bread, and put PB and honey on it, then put it on DS's plate and give him the ingred. to build a birthday cake out of it--carob pwd, banana slices, coconut, etc. He makes it all fancy, and I put a banana candle on it, and we pretend to light it and sing, blow out candle, cut cake, eat. He will almost always eat if I do this with him. This is really time consuming but there are moments when it's worth it to me, and we have so much fun doing it. If DS is really not eating sometimes I will do this late afternoon, and then I don't have to worry about him eating dinner. This reqires giving up some strong traditions--but I found the traditions were'nt helping me any.

Sorry for rambling. These trials are near and dear to my heart.... hang in there.
post #49 of 116
just checked this book out of our lll library today.

post #50 of 116
OT kind of - for the not eating dinner, is she eating an afternoon snack? If my ds has an afternoon snack he really isn't interested in eating dinner. I've found that he really doesn't need snacks during the day anymore. Also, is she drinking juice during the day? Ds would live off of juice if he had the option.

Chrissy - I think you will love the book (Noah will too!)
post #51 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary-Beth
Out two biggest issues right now are...
My dd is not wanting to go to bed at night now and she wakes several times a night 3-4x a week now. I'm trying to figure this out....and how to be supportive and effective at helping her to sleep soundly again.
My dd is almost 3 years old and she seems to be outgrowing her nap- sort of. If she naps at all then she fights bedtime and is awake until 9-10pm if she doesn't nap she gets very cranky (VERY CRANKY!) by 4-5pm and usually goes to bed easily at her usual bedtime or a little bit earlier. Sometimes she still struggles at bedtime either way. I've tried playing the bedtime games with dolls and she's put me to bed, etc.
Mary-Beth (Hey! That's MY name, without the hyphen. ). But more to the point...

Nap transitions are hard. When this was happening with us (DS was not quite 3 I think), we finally just dropped the nap once and for all. It was cranky in the evenings but only temporarily and then he got used to the new routine and wow, bedtime got MUCH easier all around. During the transition time, I went ahead and put him to bed earlier than usual (6-6:30ish if necessary) because if he got too overtired, bedtime was rought and sleep was restless. Gradually as the evenings got mellower, bedtime moved to about 7-7:30 and there it remains at age 4.

If you think it's more than the nap/no nap thing however, I suggest going ALL OUT of the role reversal you described above where she puts you to sleep. I've had so much success with going over the top. If you read earlier in this thread, you'll see we've been having bedtime/nighttime issues as well. Hang in there. Here's a quick recap of an idea or two:

One day while playing in DS's room, I got this idea out of the blue to just jump into his bed and start WHHHHHIIIINNNNING about going to sleep. I had all sorts of reasons as to why I couldn't possibly go to sleep and I kept referring to DS as "Mommy" and he accepted the role happily amidst MANY giggles. He was actually AMAZINGLY patient with me (more than I am with him I'm certain!). We're still working on the nighttime wakings but bedtime has changed dramatically since this day. After we played out this little scenario, we sat down together and started brainstorming ways to change the bedtime routine that will help him fall asleep more easily. He now had some control over the HOWS of bedtime, and together we made a workable plan. Also, by having "suspended reality by reversing our roles," I think it helped worked through some things he needed to work through and took the pressure and tension off bedtime overall.

I could go on and on... there is more info at the beginning of the thread if you want more. Hang in there and I hope things get better soon.

Em
post #52 of 116
Good Morning PPers!

So lately, I've been trying to make a habit of grabbing PP off the shelf in the morning while drinking my coffee. I just read an excerpt here, an excerpt there. I've taken to highlighting some of my favs that help me get and stay on track for the day. You know how you can read a great parenting book and it feels so empowering at the time, but then when it comes time to access it, it feels like you've lost all the entered data? That's me. So here's my qoute for the day...

"Play is children's main way of communicating. To stop a child from playing is like stopping an adult from talking and thinking. To control every minute of their play is like controlling every word someone says. But to leave children all alone in their play is like spending the day with other adults and never talking with them." -- Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting

DS has a decent ability to entertain himself, and I often find myself taking this ability for granted. The other day, he was doing so before we had some friends coming over and I took the opportunity to clean up the house before they arrived. I KNOW that DS needs to play with me BEFORE he has a friend over. It really helps him feel confident and relaxed, but NOOOOOOOOOOO I insisted upon giving into my OCD nature! By the time our friends arrived, DS was no longer so happy and his "cup" was bone dry. PARCHED! The playdate was disasterous. His playmate whom he usually ADORES playing with was doing all the things that drive him crazy (basically ignoring what he was trying to play, taking apart his "scene" and being extremely in his face and physical). With the proper "play prep" I could have helped DS deal effectively with this situation, but he had no prep. By the time they left, DS was unreachable and his playmate was also pretty out of control (screaming, run around, escaping her mom trying to gently get her to the car).

I'm not sure why I needed to share this, but it's really been bothering me (I'm so angry with myself!) and I thought maybe this was a good forum to "release" my thoughts on the matter. One playdate, not a disaster, and I learned something (again . Needless to say, this was day when I didn't bother to read PP in the am. *sigh* Next time, I can make a better choice! Right?

The best,
Em
post #53 of 116
I am near the end of the book, but I still don't understand what I can do for a child who is clingy. For those who have read the book do you have any ideas of what I can do. I am starting to lose my patience and I see myself doing things that are not positive at all. I'm exhausted and tapped out, she needs me even more.
post #54 of 116
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MangoMamma
... what I can do for a child who is clingy. For those who have read the book do you have any ideas of what I can do. I am starting to lose my patience and I see myself doing things that are not positive at all. I'm exhausted and tapped out, she needs me even more.
Thoughts: Probably a PP approach would be to work on "filling her cup" by doing different, playful stuff with her--playing her own things, physical play...--with the idea that you're giving her what she needs to be able to pull away from you and feel secure doing it. If there's a time of day or activity with DS that tends to be particularly hard (clinginess is not our problem, but it may apply), I try to play with him before that time. (Sometimes....)

Another thought I had--if you have a friend or relative who could read PP or get the gist from you, and then come over to visit and play with her. Giving you a break, but also maybe offering her a way to fill her cup with somebody else and maybe get different things than she gets from you.

On being burned out... that makes everything harder, doesn't it? My version of it is just plain tiredness, and the desire to be ALONE. I can say that wrestling with ds is great for this. Not as great as being alone, maybe--but it recharges my batteries as well as his. We wrestle silly, and laugh, and it gets us both in a better space. Or any other really loud and wild play. (Even knowing this, it is very hard for me to consider doing that stuff when I'm tired and burned out, every time....)
Good luck.
post #55 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denise K
On being burned out... that makes everything harder, doesn't it? My version of it is just plain tiredness, and the desire to be ALONE. I can say that wrestling with ds is great for this. Not as great as being alone, maybe--but it recharges my batteries as well as his. We wrestle silly, and laugh, and it gets us both in a better space. Or any other really loud and wild play. (Even knowing this, it is very hard for me to consider doing that stuff when I'm tired and burned out, every time....)
Good luck.
This totally speaks to me. Even when I KNOW that doing these things will actually help us both, it's still hard to muster the energy (both physical and emotional) to jump in and play. I'm getting better at just doing it no matter how hard it is though because the inevitable positive result is building a positive association in my brain I think!

Em
post #56 of 116
Thread Starter 
Hint: Do not refuse to play as a consequence for obnoxious behavior.

Earlier this week I told DS I'd play Rompus Walrus with him as soon as I was done sweeping the floor. For some reason he can't leave me alone while I sweep--I thought this might help him wait. So he ended up rolling around in the dirt pile, spreading dust all over the kitchen and getting coated with it. Understandably I huffed and puffed, and said Now I will NOT play rompus walrus, becasue I can't get the floor clean like I need to before I go play.

So then the rest of the day was crazier and crazier, becasue we really needed some wrestling and hadn't done it in days.... I think this is called shooting yourself in the foot. A better plan: wrestle first next time, and see if then he can let me sweep in peace once he's gotten his cup filled. If not....velcro him to the wall?

Oh no, not another learning experience.....
post #57 of 116
sooo i got a bit through the book and thought..gee? what is the big fuss about????? I am not seeing it here.

TEHN i realized it was the wrong Author!

I have the RIGHT book now and am slowly plowing throught it.
We are really facing some challenges here and I am looking forward to applying the info in the book to us.
post #58 of 116
Just wanted to pop in and say a big THANK YOU to all of you posting on this thread!!!

DD has been through transition after transition after transition over the past 2 years and thanks to PP I feel like I've finally got my kid back. And I wouldn't have ever found the book if I hadn't stumbled on this thread. You all are wonderful!

I'll have to read through the more recent posts when I have more time, and jump in with news from our house, but I just wanted to say hi for now, and thank you guys for putting PP on my radar screen!
post #59 of 116
Okay this is going to sound stupid, but I think i need help with this. I'm reading and absolutely loving this book, and want so much to implement it with my very angry and sad 5 1/2 year old... but it's not working! Maybe I don't take the play in the right direction, or something. I can't pinpoint exactly how/why I'm failing at it, but it's like, it's hard to think of what to say or do, and dd doesn't really laugh and get the energy out, she kind of just half smiles or goes along with it, but her anger still remains.

For instance: yesterday she got upset because her friend had to go home, and she blamed it on me and hit me and called me stupid. I told her she could pretend to hit and kick me, but not do it for real. I held my hands out so she could punch them and she did that for awhile but it didn't seem satisfying for her. So then I had her and her friend pretend to stomp my feet and I was dramatically screaming owww and pretending to cry. The friend laughed but my dd didn't - and she really wanted to stomp and hurt me. She was air-kicking me and I kept saying "thanks! I love you too!" (not being sarcastic - but maybe she thought I was being?) and trying to give her hugs which she vehemently rejected. Dd hits and kicks and screams horrible things at me on a daily basis and I've been trying to find some ground for negotiation for months now - i really think the playful concept could be the way out of this cycle we're in. After the friend left, I asked dd what would help her when she feels angry like that - her answer was "if you would let me hit, kick, pinch and punch you!" I said well you can't do it for real, but let's pretend. I said we can do the kicking dance, or I can hold a pillow right in front of me and you can punch & kick it. She screamed "No! That is not good enough! I want to really do it!" And walked away and sulked.

What would you do?
post #60 of 116
Ok, I must be totally out of the loop, because I have never heard of it. Does anyone know if Barnes & Noble would have it?
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