birthdays close together

[Sustainer]

Today is my son's first birthday. My daughter's 4th birthday was 2 weeks ago, and we had a small party for her with a couple of close family members as well as my best friend. A few days ago my mother asked me who will be at my son's party, and I said "the same people." She then told me that it's unreasonable for me to expect them to come here again for another party when they just came here for a party two weeks ago. This upset me a little and I said "What are you talking about? It's not his fault he was born two weeks after her birthday!" She remained totally cool, in an infuriating way, and calmly said, "I'm not saying it's anyone's fault. I'm just saying it's totally understandable if people don't want to buy more gifts and come to another party so soon."

What do you think? Does my son have a future of ignored birthdays in store for him because he had the misfortune of being born two weeks after his sister's birthday? I'm hoping that this is just another of my nutty mother's notions and that most people would disagree.

She also said that I'm especially expecting too much of my best friend, since my best friend doesn't have children. She says that when two women who both have children are friends, they go to each other's kids' parties, and it's fair.

My best friend and I have been very close since 2nd grade and she almost thinks of me as a sister (she's an only child, so my children are as close as she will ever have to nieces and nephews).

[Sustainer]

By the way, I don't believe in combined birthday parties. I think each child should have their own day and their own party.

[TiredX2]

How far are these people coming from?

If it is 45ish minutes or less I think it is totally reasonable.

If you are talking more the 2+ hours (or flying) I think a two week seperation is not enough. Perhaps you could do one big family party (if it is this much of a travel) between their birthdays and then individual parties for those in the area from now on?

[TiredX2]

Alice---

Your second post wasn't there when I posted 1st.

[Periwinkle]

I kind of agree with your mom. : Well, sort of. Having twins, we have to deal with this sort of thing all the time. So far, we HAVE done combined parties and I do not think that having your loved ones come to your house, dote on you, eat cake with you, and shower presents upon you counts as child abuse lol. Meaning, there are worse things in life than sharing a party. That being said, we also made their last birthday very special and unique for each of them as individuals. No joint gifts. Separate (and different) cakes. Different decorations/balloons for each child. They each got to choose their favorite dinner. And we sing Happy Birthday twice of course.

As they get older, I think we'll do things like have the party at a big park, and ds and his friends can go on the little railroad ride and dd and her friends can tie-dye tee shirts... then everyone can play capture the flag or whatever -- one party, with overlapping AND separate activities sounds like something do-able. I can also see having them each choose something they want to do - maybe dd will want to go to the zoo and ds to the aquarium - to celebrate their birthday (e.g., in the days beforehand).

For me, I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on two separate parties back to back. I also DO think it's kind of rude to ask everyone to mess with their family-time/weekend schedules two weekends in a row or something. Since 90% of the people we'd invite overlap, for us this is something to consider.

I guess the reason I said I agree "sort of" is that there's a time limit here... you don't have twins who share a birthday, yours are 2 weeks apart. That's pretty close but maybe outside of that zone where I'd automatically consider doing one party. Anyway, maybe one of the ideas I listed above could be helpful? Good luck!

[Sustainer]

No one is driving 2+ hours or flying, in fact almost all of them live in town.

I wouldn't be offended if someone chose not to come to either party, but it would bother me if everyone always came to my dd's party and then no one ever came to ds's party.

If I had twins, it would make sense to celebrate their birthdays on the same day of course, but I've never liked the idea of "forcing" two birthdays onto the same day for the sake of convenience.

[dnr3301]

I'm curious to see what people have to say to this. I have the same problem, my kids' bdays are 8 days apart. We are doing the separate party thing this year, I also don't want to combine into one party. So far, everyone has been fine with the plan of two parties, but if anyone makes a big deal out of it, or if it just becomes too hard on me to throw two parties so close together evey year, I just won't have the whole family over, just us at home. This year, my dd will be 4 and we are having the grandparents/aunts/uncles over on her birthday for dinner (it's a thursday), then she is having a few friends over that saturday for a tea party, then we are having the families over again the next weekend for ds's bday.

And if you have known this friend since 2nd grade and you consider each other sisters, if she doesn't want to come, she'll tell you.

[Thmom]

well I don't think it's a big deal for *close* family and friends to do that but for those in the family who otherwise don't really spend much time yeah it is...

We do major birthdays every 5years. I know that sounds bad but we have 5 kids and when I throw a party I go all out. So only at these parties do we invite family and friends other years it's just us and we have cake and gifts at home and go to the dreaded Chuck E Cheese (or any other resturant of thier choice but this is ALWAYS the choice)

I'd ask your friends and family and if it's a big deal what about an un-birthday that is combined and then just you guys for the actual day of celebration?

[zaftigmama]

We have a similar situation - our kids were born about 3 weeks apart. My son isn't two yet, so we've only had one party for him, and it was his first birthday which we always have a big party for. And it was a combined party - I would have invited almost the exact same guest list to both parties.

This year we are planning a combined party for my dd's 4th and ds's 2nd birthdays. We make a big deal out of each separate birthday on the actual day with our immediate family and then have my sister, her kids and grandparents over for dinner (or we go to the restaurant of the kids choice). For their party, it just doesn't seem to make sense to have two. Most of my son's friends are siblings of my daughter's friends. And I'd have my parents, sister, friends, in-laws, etc.,. for both. I'm sure when they are older they'll have separate friends, different ideas of what makes a "cool" party and different interests. But while they are young, it's fun for everyone and easier to come here once. And far less expensive for me.

Both my kids love Dora, so (although I won't have a theme party with a character) we're having a backyard adventure with maps, treasure hunts, backpacks with helpful objects and stuff like that. I think they'll both like it.

My dd is adamant about sharing her party with ds (which is how she sees it, not that he's sharing with her) and I think it's because his birthday is first and she can't stand not being first. Until they develop different groups of friends and different interests, I'm happy doing one big party and celebrating each of their special days individually.

I don't think your mom is right or wrong - but it's wrong of her to assume it's a burden and that your friends wouldn't tell you how they feel. Whatever works for your kids, your friends and family is the right way.

Take care!

[moonshine]

I can't speak to weather it is a lot for people or not. But I will say that it might take care of itself as they get older. There is enough of an age difference to make a difference, if that makes sense.

My kids' birthdays are two weeks apart. DD2 turned one this year, and we only had a very little gathering. For DD1's birthday, who turned 3, we had a "real" party. We invited families of kids she goes to school with, as well as some friends of ours. So, no overlap of people.

Depending on our relationship with who we are inviting, I would probably not invite they to both if we were not that close. I guess I am saying that I sort of agree with your mother. If they are good friends, then I would probably think that it was fine. I am assuming that over the years, they will have their "own" friends, at that will take care of itself.

[CaliMommie]

Well, we do a combined party for now (Our boys are 1 & 4), it is a fmaily party. But when they get older we will do a combined family party & seperate kid parties. We also take them seperately to do a fun activity w/me & dh on their actual B-day. BTW, their B-days are Oct. 10 & Oct, 15.

AmiBeth

[chefkath]

Our kids' birthdays are about 3.5 weeks apart. My take on it is this: Our friends and relatives love our children, they want to be there to celebrate with them on their birthday - so who cares if the parties are one week apart, one day apart or 6 months apart?? It's not as if attending a party is a BURDEN! It's a fun, joyful thing to do, especially when the person being honored with the party is a child. And anyways - it's not about the person attending the party. It's all about the child who's life is being celebrated. If anyone were to actually feel burdened by attending two parties close together, then s/he isn't the kind of person I would want in my kids' life anyways. ( Does that sound harsh? Maybe, but I can't imagine complaining about "having" to attend a child's birthday party! Your mom's comment about things being "fair" seems pretty twisted, IMHO. That's not what friendship is about!)

That being said, our parties are gift-free, so people aren't expected to purchase two presents in a short period of time. I know for some of our friends that would be a financial hardship - so if that's true of your friends, perhaps consider requesting "no gifts" to make it easier on them. Also, we do spread the parties out a bit for my own sanity - we have Ciaran's one week before his birthday and we have Brigit's two weeks after hers. That way there's over a month between parties.

[brookely ash]

Well, in my family, everyone's bday's are within 5 weeks. Here is how it goes. DS1 then thanksgiving, then my b day 5 - 8 days later, than dh bday 10 days later, than xmas and on New Year's day is ds2's bday (he's 6).

So, by the time my poor ds2 bday comes around, everyone is sooo stinking tired of our family its ridiculous. I have decided to do something similar to THMOM. This year, the 3 year old got the big party (and we go all out), and everyone else had small family parties, and on ds2's bday he got to take a freind out to dinner and to the science museum. Next year, ds1 will not get a party, but he will get to take a friend out for the day and ds2 will get a big party. We have decided that because his bday is sooo close to xmas we usually wait until mid january to have it, kind of like chefkath said, that way people aren't totally burnt out on seeing relatives.

Eventually, I figure this will change as they get older - but I don't know exactly how it will change.

I don't think its too much to ask for people to come to your house 2 weeks later to celebrate the other bday - its a couple hours out of someones life, whats the big deal?

[quietplease]

Unless a lot of travel is involved, I don't think separate parties is unreasonable at all. People can come or not, as they choose, and it isn't like it's a horrible thing to spend someone's special day with them. I am perplexed that anyone would be disagreeable about this. As far as presents go, obviously they should just follow their budgets and if it's a hardship, then don't buy one or get creative. A birthday is a fixed point in time, however, and if I knew a good friend's children were all born in one month, I could plan ahead and pace out the buying of the gifts.

The original poster said her parties involved a couple of close family members and her best friend. All of those people were certainly aware of the birthdays ahead of time. I think your mom was WAY out of line and incredibly smug. Maybe SHE should stay away from the party, if she thinks it's too close to the other.

[woobysma]

I think seperate parties are important. My sister and I have b'days 3 days apart and ds1 &2 are 4 days apart. (add my youngest brother and that's 5 bdays in 4 weeks ) We have a lot of extended family in the area and no one has ever complained. By the ned of the month, we're pretty sick of cake, though.

I think your mom is wrong. I just don't see how a child's birthday party is such an inconvenience. If all your guests are family and close friends, they should be happy for the occasion. JMO

[TiredX2]

If the people are in town, I think different parties is fine. If they only want to come to one, they can only come to one.

That said, I'd probably always try to do the 1st one the weekend before, and the 2nd the weekend after the actual dates to seperate them as much as possible.

Let us know what you decide, okay>?

[Peony]

I have an only so far, but my sister and I were 2 years and 11 days apart. We always had seperate parties and invited seperate people. Family was never invited, even though they lived nearby, I don't remember why right now. My B-day was first, I invited my friends, and my sister was allowed to have one of her friends over, then next week it was the same way for her. Even though it was different friends for each of us, it was the same families, I was friends with the older children, and she was friends with the younger. My mom would drive everyone for both B-Days back home to make it easier on the parents. We did it this way until we were 10 and 8, then my parents switched to having a special day on our B-Day with one friend for each of each, we'd go to the lake, shopping, usually the highlight of it was deciding where to eat lunch at. That being said, the was just a rash of B-Day's here between our house and a good friends, we went to 5 parties in a month and half(only one was our's), and I am so sick of B-Day parties right now. I am rethinking about what to do next year, but that is another post!

[eilonwy]

I am also totally against combining parties. My children's birthdays are nowhere near one another, but Mike's birthday is three days after his sister's. This was a huge deal when they were kids and his parents would try to do a combined party (single cake) for them. He still talks about the year that his mother made another cake 5 months later and that was "his birthday cake;" he made them sing and put candles on it and everything. (He was 6).

My big problem with the same people being invited is that if they only want to bring presents to one party, they shouldn't bring presents to *either*. It's so wrong to tell a kid "I'm going to buy your sister a present, but your birthday is right after hers so you're not getting one." WTF? What kind of message does that send a kid? If I ever have kids with close birthdays, I will stipulate right at the beginning that if people want to come to one party with presents and one without, or they only want to come to one party that they should stay home. I won't have my kids growing up thinking that they're extraneous or less worthy than a sibling just because their birthday is a few days/weeks later.

[mmace]

My son's birthday is April 3rd, my baby girl April 4th. Parties for us consist of our immediate family - the four of us, my parents, my Gram, and our close friends P&C. Everyone lives within 10 miles of us. Last year when they were turning 1 & 5 we had a combined party. This year we are probably going to do two parties - the 3rd is on a Sunday, so we will probably celebrate for my son the day before, and celebrate for my daughter the weekend after. We usually have dinner with my parents and Gram every weekend anyway, and P&C won't have any problem at all coming two weekends in a row. My son is in kindergarten, and I figure by next year he will want to have a party with his friends from school.