PPD or just having a nervous breakdown?? (long)

[MamaHippo]

I think I need some help. My DS is 6 months old. I thought I was doing so well cus when he was littler I wasnt having any problems with depression. I have a long history of depressive episodes, but weaned myself off antidepressants before i got pregnant. I had been doing great. But just this last month I feel like i am losing it. Can you get PPD this far out?
DS is not sleeping. If i put him in the bassinett he cries and cries, but if i put him in bed with me he spends the whole night rolling around, arching his back, scratching me, pulling my hair, grunting and making groaning sounds, like he can't get comfortable. I can't sleep at all. DS will only sleep if he's on my breast, tummy to tummy with me. I can't sleep like that. I have tried everything - giving tylenol before bed for teething, homeopathic tablets, etc - even having a glass of wine. I feel like the world's worst mother. Everyone i know keeps telling me to just make him CIO, but i cant do that. He won't take a binky and he doesnt suck his thumb.
I have no interest in doing anything - not getting dressed, or reading, or going out. DH has started asking if I am going to do laundry anytime soon, or if i am planning on making meals, if i will ever want to have sex again. I feel like none of it matters. The house is messy ten minutes after i clean it, my cooking is never quite right, and having sex is the last thing i want to do. I have an eating disorder history and have felt very strong urges to start up again, though i havent yet.
Last night DS was doing the usual thing, rolling around in bed, pulling my hair, scratching me and fussing. It was 4 am and i had barely slept in days. DH rolls over and mumbles about that he has to go to work soon and to just go put DS in his crib down the hall and let him cry. I went into the bathroom, sat down on the floor and cried for 20 mins while DS cried in the other room. I feel like i am hurting my marriage and my son both by not doing things right. i feel like a failure, and that my son would be better with another mother. I could never hurt him, and i wont hurt myself because he needs my breastmilk. but i feel like i am at the end of my rope and i am not strong enough to hang on. I cant afford a therapist. i feel like i am losing it.

[G-Dawg]

I'm so sorry. I have so been there.

Have you tried letting your baby sleep in a swing or a bouncy chair? My first two babies would never sleep for long on their backs, but did really well sitting up.

As for the PPD thing, I don't know. I wonder where Extreme sleep deprivation ends and PPD begins. That is just my own experience.

Can you get more support out of your husband? Will he take a few nite time shifts? Does he know how to use the washer and dryer? Can he make a sandwich? Maybe mastering these skills would be the first steps in you ever being interested in sex. You are not ruining your marriage or anything else. You are doing an awesome job in what is the most difficult job in the world.

I don't want to oversimplify, or make light because I truly understand the desperation. Can you get up and dressed, and out SOMEWHERE every day? As hard and impossible as it sounds and as nice as it sounds to stay home in jammies all day, this seems to help me. I stayed home all week last week because my baby was sick and I was so miserable. I completely lost control of my thoughts and I was back in the throes of misery and depression. Everyday I though about getting in the car and just driving away. Far away. This week I am going and working out everyday. So far so good. I seem to be in control of my thoughts. Upbeat music helps me a lot too. Another big thing in getting me out of the house and not freaking out and having a nervous breakdown was to change my thinking from
"I CANNOT keep doing this forever. I will DIE. I hate my life." To,
"Can I do this today? Yes. Tomorrow will be better"

"I cannot possibly work out everyday this week."
"I can work out today."
As simple and DUH! as this sounds, it has made a world of difference. Literally ONE DAY AT A TIME. Something else that sometimes helps is do just 1% better today than yesterday. No problem! Before you know it, you will be there! This works really well with huge mountains of laundry too! Just one load at a time!

I can really feel the pain in your post. You are the best mommy to your little baby. He will figure out the sleep thing. Maybe sitting up a little will be the key. Please keep us updated, and PM me. I will check back on you. Take care of yourself and you will automatically be a better mother and wife!

Good luck
G

[G-Dawg]

P.S.
I LOVE you sig quote! I always read your posts and this is one of the quotes that has stayed with me. You had the strength and courage to give birth to this baby. You have the strength and courage to be his mother!

G
Ok, I am officially your stalker!

[MamaHippo]

Thank you. Just knowing that someone is reading my thoughts and cares seems to help a lot. I am going to try and take DS out in the sling for a walk today if the wind isnt too bad. I have done a load of diapers and baby clothes, so thats something. I am going to go try to find something to eat.
Lisa

[Jish]

Lisa, my depression didn't kick in with my ds2 until he was nearly a year old. I wasn't correctly diagnosed for a year after that. Now my ds3 is almost 11 months, and I'm starting to feel it creep back in again. Mine manifests as anxiety and I'm finding it hard to get those anxious thoughts out of my brain again.

I don't know if it's a coincidence that it is starting at about the same time it did with my second child, or if there is perhaps something hormonal going on. I was very sleep deprived with my second, but this one only wakes once a night. I typically get my period back at 14 months post partum, but I know my body starts gearing up a few months before. I'm wondering if that is what is setting it off. Regardless, it sucks. If it continues on another week I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about getting back on meds. I went off successfully to get pregnant, and had hoped to never go back on again, but with the family history surrounding me, I knew that was unlikely.

Have you looked into programs in your area for low income families or for those without insurance? In our town you can see a therepist for a sliding scale at several organizations, and the drug companies often provide meds at a low cost for such programs if that is the route you choose to go.

Have you taken the ppd quiz that is stickied at the top of this forum? If not, take it and see where you fall. It sounds to me like perhaps it is PPD. Your child deserves more than just your breastmilk, he deserves YOU as a healthy and happy mother. You will be doing not only yourself, but your child, your family, and your marriage a huge favor by taking care of yourself and getting some help.

Even if you can't afford to see a psychiatrist, call one and speak to them and let them know your financial situation and ask if they can direct you to a low cost or sliding fee clinic. They will likely be able to help you find one. If they aren't willing to (which would surprise me) call another office until you find one that will help.

You deserve to be your happy self again, and while getting better won't solve all the problems in your life, it will make you better able to deal with them.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how you are doing.

[MsMoMpls]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. The thing that worked for my sleepless monster was chiropractic. I tell my doc that if it weren't for her, I'm not sure we would have made it. After a few weeks of treatments, he was nearly as sensitive and fussy. I also agree about using a swing or bouncy seat- we also got him to sleep in the stroller, the car, the car seat, just about anywhere but a bed.

It could certainly be PPD, six months isn't that unusual. But the only way to really find out would be giving you three days off and see if sleep and time to yourself cured you. Since that isn't happening- find some way to get more sleep. Call all those people that have said, "Just let me know if there is anything I can do." This is it. Have them come take him for a ride in the car for an hour and have you sleep if nothing else.

Given your history of depression, you are at risk of going there again if under a great deal of stress (like right now). The best thing to do is make sure that the way you talk to yourself in your head is just..."Boy am I tired, this is really hard, wish I could get more rest, I would certainly be doing better with more sleep," Do not allow yourself to go down that dark alley of guilt- "I'm a bad more, this is horrible, I suck at this, the world world is a dark place." See what I mean, if you talk to yourself time we would- being supportive of a good momma who could use some sleep you are in so much better shape than if you make this into a huge depression, failure, illness kind of thing.

Keep coming here, let us nurture you, keep talking. It will pass. I promise.

Maureen

[MamaHippo]

AAAAAArrrrrggh

I was trying so hard to pull myself up today. Got dressed. Went for a walk with DS in sling, went to get groceries. Then Dh comes in the door after work (2 hours late), and one of the first things out of his mouth is "Whats wrong with the soap in the bathroom? This isnt the right kind of soap. What did you do to it?" Then I look down at squawking DS and he's poo'd through his clothes and all over the carpet. So i cleaned him up, then DH comes up and sees the mess - "Eww, why'd you let him do that?" Yeah, ok honey, I TOLD him to poo on the carpet. So i go downstairs to get a paper towel and the cat has puked on the stairs... so on and so on. DH gave me a hug, but it didnt fix it. Feeling again like I cant do anything right, and everything in my life is out of control. I just want to cry.
trying to repeat - tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better..
Lisa

[mommyofboy]

Hey Mamahippo,

Notice that you live in Castle Rock. Live closeby in Parker. We used to own a home in Castle Rock.

I can relate. My little guy was a very poor sleeper, didn't sleep through the night until around 6 mos of age. It was very hard on me and sometimes I wonder if it brought on my depression. They say sleep deprivation can trigger depression. I got like you couldn't sleep even though I was SOOO tired and should have been able to sleep days and days. I swear for 6 months I never slept more than 4 solid hours. not real good for the body. I was so moody and my muscles ached a lot.

I started to get where I couldn't sleep, I was very teary would cry sometimes, felt overwhelmed. Even the simplest household chore was too much. I didn't really enjoy taking care of my baby to be honest. It felt like too much at times. So I called my doctor and I got the Zoloft increased.

I've had probs with depression too on/off since I was 18 (now 28). The Zoloft is now up to 150 and my doctor just added Wellbutrin, still a little depressed at times, but it is better. I still have my moments though. I was on a very LOW dose of Zoloft during pregnancy and up until 6 mos pp.

You can get PPD up in the first year and some things I have read into the second year. I think it takes a while for things to stabilize. Your life has been turned upside down. Lack of sleep never helps anything!! If you have had depression in the past you are at a much higher risk.

You might go online and take one of those quizzes, see how you score. I know www.kellymom.com has one for PPD. There's a good one in one of teh first threads in this section.

You might call your doc and see if you can get a few sleeping pills just to help you sleep then have your husband do the night time feedings. You really need a break.

You need time for you too. You are important. Being a SAHM is really hard. I work part time and I think it saves my sanity, etc!!

I have three cats, just cleaned up a throw up so can totally relate. It seems like just when everything is happening, a cat is vomiting!

Do you know other moms? I know for me getting out and about helps me tremendously. It is hard being home all day w/a baby and can get lonely! I don't have any family here so that is hard. when you are a mom, you really need a lot of support. It's a HARD job!!

Actually today I am going to talk to a therapist. I think I really need to talk about some issues and about the depression I have. Having a baby is a big lifestyle adjustment.

My sex drive is so low. Are you nursing your baby? That can make it lower as well. Depression never helps eitehr and you are just so darn tired. Plus with caring for a baby all day, sometimes you just would rather not be touched. I read in one book you can feel "all touched out".

I like what one poster said about one day at a time. I think it's a great motto. Sometimes thinking about everything, how you are feeling can just be too overwhelming.

GOod luck and please keep us posted. You can email me if you like!
[e-mail]

[whatever]

Dear mama, you have lots of advice here, so I will just add my support.

It sounds like your husband is expecting too much from you - is there anyone who can help you around the house?


xxox

[georgia]

I'm going to PM you

[SpiralChrissy]

I can totally relate to your struggles, mama. I know it's so, so hard. I remember thinking to myself, I didn't know I could ever be this tired! That was when my little was about 4months old. I would get so overwhelmed by everything. It would feel next to impossible to do 2 things in a day like empty the dishwasher and meet a friend for lunch. I was so drained all the time. And the worst part of the day was first thing in morning when my DS was starting, I needed coffee and I had TWO wild cats begging for their breakfast. I could crumble in 2 minutes in those circumstances. Showering was hard enough.

The most important thing to tell you is that you WILL get thru this. I know right now that seems a long way off but you'll get there. I second what the other mamas said about getting help, finding time for yourself, etc. Medication really helped me. I resisted for a while but in the end it was what I needed. I also tried to call on friends to help out around here with baby as much as I could. It was hard to ask for help but when you're at your wits end, there's nothing else for you to do! People want to help.

Can you talk to your husband about how you're feeling? It seems like it would better if you could just get back to the basics of taking care of yourself and your baby. If you can back off some of the household responsibilities for awhile, you might be able to get on track again. I think PPD is hard for men to understand. It's hard enough for me to understand and I had it! Get yourself some good books from the library on PPD that you both can look into.

Be gentle with yourself. Find little moments for yourself, even if it's just a few to read a magazine article or call a friend and scream. This is the challenge of a lifetime but you can overcome.

Keep writing. We're here for you!
Chrissy