Warning vent and long!Hello everyone!
I am having a really hard time retaining anything I read right now, could be the allergies or the fact that I am just plain exhausted, but either way I will say to one and all that my thoughts are with each of you who are going through rough spots be it with pregnancy woes/concerns or life in general. While I am keeping up all names and incidents seem to be running together in my mish-mash of a mind! I truly hope everyone gets through these tough times and arrives at the end happy, healthy, and safe.
As for me this last couple of months has been a rollercoaster both emotionally and physically. To start with we went to California for a week at the beginning of Dec for my DH's job training (ongoing stuff for his company). Anyway it was a good trip, but as soon as we got home I got sick. This time a pretty bad head cold, then a UTI, then some sort of stomach flu that lasted up to xmas and landed me in the ER on xmas day dehydrated and starving! I had no substantial food for about 4 days and very little fluids. So I gave in to the phenergan so I could break the cycle of nausea caused by the flu and then by low blood sugar and actually keep something in my stomach. After that and about 3 days of self (and DH) imposed bedrest I started to feel ok. I spent the next week cleaning and preparing for my mom's visit the 2nd week in Jan.
Here's where the emotional crap started. My mom, having just graduated from nursing school, came out to see me and to travel with myself and my 2 boys (1.5 and 3.5 years) down to southern Cali to see her two dying parents. While also spending time with us and supposedly enjoying her two grandsons, she was saying goodbye to her mom and dad. It was a very sad, but happy trip. The part that was the hardest for me was to constant friction between my mother and me. I am just not sure where it comes from. I started to feel all of this resentment and criticism the moment she got to Portland. Just as an aside, we have always been close and usually get along great, so this was a bit of a blindside for me.
To start with the drive down was stressful due to I-5 being closed for snow and our having to take 101 all the way. Rain and fog made it rather slow going and stressful. I hate to drive, but I only feel comfortable when my DH is driving not anyone else, so when Mom was at the wheel in rush hour traffic in the rain after dark I was a nervous wreck, and despite my best efforts to keep my fear to myself, it seeped out and pissed her off. That was the beginning of a very very bad night. Nothing but bitching from San Francisco to Lompoc.
Then the next day I got rolled eyes and sighs of discontent from her and my Aunt (where we were staying) when I announced I would be napping with my boys instead of doing my laundry that day, that I would get it done later. Isn't it my choice? Besides I had enough clothes packed I didn't need it done anyway!
From then on anytime I asked for help with the kids like washing hands or just keeping an eye on them so I could go pee, I got attitude. I spent most of the trip keeping my boys out of my aunts things (she didn't bother to put anything up! and kept yelling at them for touching stuff) or off of her precious leather chairs! I didn't get much sleep with all of us crammed into a double bed and having to pee so often. Everytime I got up one of the kids would stir just about the time I got back to sleep. At home DH at least can tag team with me and I get a bit more sleep.
Later in the trip when I mentioned to my mom that I had a rough night with the boys, rather than giving me sympathy or even a non-commital shrug like she had been doing with just about every other comment I made during the trip, she looked at me with a disapproving smirk and said "you were the one who spread your legs you have to live with the consequences" !!! : ARGH!!!! I she has never been so rude and mean and thoughtless. I still can't figure out what the heck did I do to her?
So after being delayed by the La Conchita (sp?) mudslide and not getting to LA until 4 days after we were originally supposed to be there we finally got to see my Gran, who is truly in bad shape. It was sad and hard to see her such a shadow of herself. I said a tearful goodbye, and tried to give comfort to my mother who was seeing her own mom for probably the last time. Even with all of the tension at least we were able to hug and comfort each other then.
We saw my Gramps later that day and over the next few days. It was fun and stressful. I got upset with my mom for asking my 3 year old when I sent him outside to play if he was "being bad again". ARGH! I told her under no uncertain terms do we use that language with my children. They are not bad, ever. Their behavior may be out of line, but they as people are not bad. My aunt then jumped on my case for "embarrassing" my mom. I looked at her and said "tough s**t" they are my kids and I decide how they are spoken to, period" I was soooo mad. : I spent the rest of the night outside playing with my sons while my aunt and mom got to socialize with my Gramps (who has lung cancer btw, and I might not see again but it didn't seem to matter to them) I just can't believe how they acted. UG! Not to mention that while we are in LA I get a call from my Grandma back in Illinois to tell me that my father had a heart attack! (I found out later that it was a minor one and that he should be ok if he does what the doc says.)
Finally after getting back to my Aunt's house and spend more time we didn't intend to I told mom I needed to get home, and we needed to try to leave a day earlier than she wanted to. My boys were starting to show signs of homesickness and I missed DH so badly. That and I just wanted some help and support. She got mad and called me selfish.
I just don't get it. When we finally headed out, we had a good drive back, stopping to take the kids to Pier 39 in San Francisco, and enjoying a beautiful drive back in great weather through northern Cali on I-5. Mom seem to relax then. I think some of her problem was dealing with her parents, but she has never taking stuff like that out on me. Even growing up with my dad who was an alcoholic, she never treated me badly because of her stress with him.
The last few days were good at least I thought they were. Turns out she was bitching about me to my DH. She told him I was selfish and that he does too much, and if he was wise he would "make me pull my weight more".
He of course says I do just fine, and that she doesn't understand our relationship because we are actually partners and share the work instead of the woman doing it all like she did when I was young. It is good to have a man who supports you!
So since she went home I have been recovering from lack of sleep and then I injured my neck. Funny story, Cole woke me up last Friday morning like this: his face about 2 inches from mine and yelled "MOMMY EAT!" at the top of his lungs! Scared me to death! I jerked my face away and couldn't turn my head back that way afterwards. Been to the chiro, he is working on it, pain is gone, but the stiffness and range of motion isn't completely better yet. Other than that I feel fine. BH contax hit a few times a day now with the force of an earthquake, but the breathing from my hypno classes helps a lot with them.
Baby is kicking and squirming like crazy! She is such a little mover. : MW says she is transvers (sideways) which explains the feeling that her feet are sticking out my side. It is a good feeling to know she is strong and healthy. I am starting to get anxious to meet her! Oh and I have started window shopping for girls clothes. In a way it makes me feel closer to her to hold and touch such dainty feminine things.
Sorry for the long vent, it's been a while since I posted and I really needed to get that out of my head. Blessings to all of you! Especially those who actually read through that crappy novel!!!!
Hugs to you all!