I spanked - Page 4

[Wilhemina]

I think all of my suggestions have been previously posted, but in case my wording helps you in some way this is what I would say (and do) in the situation you described:

"Candlesticks are not for throwing, they are for setting on the table gently (demonstrate with a similiar object to the one dd is holding, encourage her to do it to). Beanbags are for throwing (demostrate)." Then have fun throwing bean bags together.

if that doesn't work and you have to take the object away from her, take her outside for a minute while you calm her. Outdoors is always distracting and the situation will usually be forgotten.


Please don't believe that spanking "works." In addition to all the wisdom already posted, I want to add that if you spank for this kind of very minor behavior problem you might find yourself having to escalate the punishment when you need to address more serious behavior issues. If she gets used to getting hit for playing with inappropriate objects, what will you have to do to get her attention when she is doing something dangerous?

[loftmama]

Millie - great post. Thanks for sharing and reminding those of us who were spanked about the extrinsic control issues we have as adults.

[LunaMom]

Byfaith, here are some suggestions that worked for me and my family. Sorry if I'm repeating things that have already been mentioned by others.

- Definitely read up on what is "normal" behavior at your child's age. What you see as misbehavior might really be positive indicators of her greater understanding of the world!

- Make her environment as safe and encouraging as possible. Try to remove from her reach things that will turn into a problem so that she can explore most rooms in your house without having to constantly hear the word "no."

- Try the "this is not for _____ but this is for ________" approach, either by giving her something different to bang/throw/chew, or by showing her the right way to use the object she does have. So you can say, "plates are not for throwing (and gently remove the plate from her hand and hand her a soft ball), but you can throw this ball into this bucket." Or you can say, "books are not for throwing, they are for reading. Let's read together!"

- Try to focus on teaching your daughter what she CAN do rather than what she can't do. That goes along with the last thing I wrote.

- Understand that at this age she loves getting reactions from you, ANY kind of reaction. It's part of her growing relationship with you and with others. She really doesn't understand right from wrong or why the wrong things are a problem. You can start teaching her, though, by using words and facial expressions - so you can make a sad face if she pulls the cat's tail, and say, "Ouch, that hurts the kitty! We pet the kitty gently, like this (and smile)." Just an example!

Here are some books I'd recommend:

The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
Your One-Year-Old (or Your Two-Year-Old, and so on - there's one for each age) by Ames and Ilg - a little outdated, but very on target when it comes to describing how children behave at different ages and what's normal.

Good luck!

Oh, and don't let your dh get away with the "see, it worked" argument. Think of the horrible things people could do to their children (or to anyone) if that argument was valid.

[LizD]

"Please don't believe that spanking "works." In addition to all the wisdom already posted, I want to add that if you spank for this kind of very minor behavior problem you might find yourself having to escalate the punishment when you need to address more serious behavior issues. If she gets used to getting hit for playing with inappropriate objects, what will you have to do to get her attention when she is doing something dangerous?"

This is an excellent and often-overlooked point. I always saved "NO" for the street, the stove, etc. If I had said it so often around the house how would my toddler have known the difference?

The child in the OP is really too young to be doing anything "wrong," IMO. That's the age at which you just still deal with whatever havoc they wreak upon your home and property. They can't be expected to control themselves like that; that takes a level of judgement they simply don't have.

I think sometimes people underestimate just how much attention a toddler needs. It's more difficult than a baby in sling or playpen. You need to play with your toddler, involve them in cooking, cleaning, your daily routine, talk with them, do little projects with them, take them outside a intervals. Playing on their own is still a small part of their day, and many small children get into "trouble" because they really shouldn't be unsupervised at that level in the first place.

When I said spanking wasn't the end of the world I meant on occasion, and that someone shouldn't get too upset about a lapse or one-time desperate measure. And many people feel like hitting their children even when they don't do it- my parents never, ever hit me, spanked me, or anything like that, and I still get annoyed enough to want to hit sometimes. There's out-of-proportion anger and there's feeling like a mother cat who swats her kittens. Since we aren't cats, we have to take deep breaths and transcend.

Since plenty of people as adults *do* enjoy spanking in a fetish/sexual context I would shrink from spanking my children anyway, even if I believed in corporal punishment.

I find when I manage to be patient and respond rather than react, without getting angry, I actually feel better. That's the part that really works.

[Super Pickle]

Byfaith,
Hey. It seems like you've already gotten a lot of good advice.
I would like to share how I dealt with the one time I spanked my son. He was then three. We had moved that day. He had not had any attention and our dinner was very unhealthy, and i was exhausted, so when he (understandably) began to act out I just hit him on the bottom. Although the spanking was not hard, the shock of being struck caused him to stop the misbehavior (it appeared to have "worked"). However, I knew it was wrong. I felt horrible but was able to turn it into a "teachable moment." I apologized to him, then prayed out loud for forgiveness, and explained to him that God did not give him to me to hit, but to love and protect. I told him, "Children are not for hitting." He still remembers that time and knows that I will never hit him again.
Your daughter is probably too young to understand these things, but she is probably also young enough that she will heal quickly and you can always adopt the mantra "Children are not for hitting" so that you won't do it again. And keep the big picture in mind: obedience/manageability is not the ultimate goal; character development is, and your example is the best teaching tool.

[our veggie baby]

Great post everyone! I especially identified with Millie's post, as I was the same way---heavily spanked as a child etc, and when I got out of my parents *control* I went crazy...I have since grown, learned, matured etc on my own, but it was a painful road....I also to this day, I believe in part to my parents controlling me through heavy spanking, negative discipline, etc...that I as an adult CANNOT STAND even the PERCEPTION that someone is trying to control me --to an unhealthy degree (which has caused problems in relationships etc)...where maybe people who grew up in a healthier discipline situation wouldn't take offense or feel like that at all yk?

I also like to point out to people, someone touched on it with the fire drill situation, that children who are taught to blindly obey their parents are FAR more likely to blindly obey anyone else i.e., abducter, abuser, controlling souse/partner, drug dealer etc... and I don't want to raise my child, especially our daughter (I think girls are pushed more to be polite at all costs) to blindly obey anyone without question, even me or DH...

Of course my mom and other people don't get it, part of it is the generation gap, as my parents come from the "children are to be seen and not heard" era, but the other part of it, is that if people admit that you (i) might be right, than that is the same to them as admitting they may have been wrong---and well, we ALL know few people like to do that.


millie, I am always looking for simple one-liners to toss to the family etc in these types of conversations and I loved your quote:

my goal is not a well behaved child, but rather a well adjusted adult.

Thanks!!!

I also completely agree with the limited "no" thing....I love the redirection technique "we don't hit people, that hurts...but you can hit this drum (hand them drum)....rather than just "no, no, no, no" all day and night because the other poster is right---when they ARE reaching for the stove or running towards the street, a stern (or terrified lol) "no!" stops them right in their tracks--then you can explain things later, when they are out of danger etc...

I think everyone is giving the OP some great ideas!!

[Mindy70]

Just wanted to add that at that age, they really don't have control over their impulses, even if they do know that something is forbidden. It is much more interesting and exciting to see what happens when they do it anyways. Your dd is learning what happens when she does something after mommy says no, not deliberately trying to disobey you and make you angry. Don't take it personally, don't see it as a control issue. It is all about learning at this age.

[loftmama]

Originally Posted by our veggie baby

I also to this day, I believe in part to my parents controlling me through heavy spanking, negative discipline, etc...that I as an adult CANNOT STAND even the PERCEPTION that someone is trying to control me --to an unhealthy degree (which has caused problems in relationships etc)...where maybe people who grew up in a healthier discipline situation wouldn't take offense or feel like that at all yk?

Wow! Do I relate to this!! I've never heard someone describe me so well. Wouldn't my dh love to see this. I am so absolutely this way and I know exactly what it's due to.

I am so glad to read these responses. Even though I don't spank now, it helps to hear other's thoughts on this. I don't want my kids to have control issues like I did/do, so this is an added incentive to discipline gently and not through parental control.

[katallen]

I think 13.5 months is way to young for spanking even if you choose to spank. I read the Ezzo books for a paper I did for English and even in those books you don't spank until 15 to 18 months at the earliest.
I suggest using redirection, even if you have to pick your child up and bring her to another room, she will eventually get the point if you are consistent and remove her promptly from anything you don't want her doing when she is so young. I am surprised at how well that has worked with my daughter who is now almost 27 months. I have not even had to use time-out yet.

[sparklemom]

yes, it worked to stop the behavior...and it also worked to show her she cannot trust you.
spanking is really a question of ethics...not whether it "works."
throwing things on the floor is natural behavior for her age. she's just a babe.

[Red]

She was spanked for discovering gravity! Discovering the world around you is not misbehavior. Get some books on child development so you'll recognize these developmental stages.

I, too, have snapped and hit. A whack on the behind stopped the behavior of my ADHD son. The next time I reached for my child, he cringed. And the next time the whack was no where near so effective.

Your child is a baby. Hitting a baby is a scary thing. I'm not sure what a 'spanking' consists of, over the knee? Or a whack?

What if, every time you burned something on the stove, or left the living room messy, YOU got spanked? And a messy living room is not part of our development.

[LizD]

Another thought I had after considering the response to my post about an occasional lapse not being the end of the world is that I know some parents who never ever hit and yet are pretty rotten controlling overbearing parents. My mother never hit or spanked me but she was pretty formidable when angry and so there was plenty of negativity; apparently my MIL was the same way. So the issue is still one of parental self-control, whether hitting is involved in the discipline or not. One example from a book of Dr Sears,' I think, is that a mother used to say, "Oh, Shana," every time her daughter spilled or made some mistake. She realized her child was mostly hearing her mother say her name in a tone of admonition, resignation, impatience...these have a negative effect on the self-image also.

[loftmama]

good point, LizD.