who gets custody if you die?

[moma justice]

i hate to be blunt
but this is something that i can not stop thinking about
if my husband and i were to die, where would our dd live?
his parents are out of the question, and mine are great but re very old and have health problems and live in a very remote area
my dd WORSHIPS my one sister with kids, but i do not agree with almost all of her parenting chioces
but i know that my dd feels safe and comforatble with her adn her family////and i know she would get a simular kind of love from my sister (we are very close in age and alot alike.....you know she would be able to sing the same songs and know her in that blood kin way

but i have a family friend who i love
she is the person who's mothering and lifestyle most resemble my own
she has 3 kids and is 100% commited to raising her family the way that i am raising mine....
but we see her very rarely (she lives in another state) and when we do see her my dd does not click with her and her kids the way she does with my sister and her kids.

my dd WORSHIPS my sister and her cousins, she i salmost obsessed....we live several states away so we only see them once every four months and she still talks about them every day.

i don't know
i guess my chioces are centered around princiapls or love
b/c my friend would only feed her organic food, send her to the best alternative schools, teach her to revere the earth and live the beautiful simple life we love
my sister would love her like i love her and she even smells like me, our vioces are the same
my sister if FAMILY
but they eat mcdonalds and go to walmsrt daily and watch a ton of tv and she vaxs and has medicated hospital births by choice////she does breast feed/...i know she loves her kids and i think compared to most of america she is a good mom, but our standards of living are so opposite
i know i rambling
but my husband and i would like to hear how anyone else came to their chioce of custody
thanks

[guerrillamama]

My mom or, if she can't take him, my sister. I feel totally confident that either of them would raise him well. I'm very lucky.

[Wilhemina]

I'd go with love. My sister and I had a similiar conversation recently. Luckily, she and I have similiar parenting philosophies and we and our families get along great, so we are each other's first choice. It was a no-brainer. The second choice has not been so easy.

We also love our brother who has one daughter about the ages of our kids. He and his wife are very gentle AP parents, and would be good choices also, but they very clearly do not love their neices and nephew the way we (sis and me) love ours. We fear that if taken in to their home, our children would always feel second class. Not that they would treat them badly or even differently from their dd, but kids can sense these things.

As for choosing water over blood, I think if your dc were tragically orphaned they would want to be with family if at all possible.

Another way to think about it: How would each react if the other we awarded custody? In my case, my sister would be hurt, but she would be sure to always stay in my dds lives even if it hurt her pride or became difficult because of her and bro's relationship. My brother? I don't think he would go out of his way to stay the girls' uncle, yk?

Good luck and may none of us need to know who would be best!
AM

[DebraBaker]

My older children will have primary custody with my mother helping out a lot.

I have three grown daughters and two sons in law.

I trust my minor children with my adult children more than any other people in the world.

They are also one another's best friends and they would want to be together.

Debra Baker

[polka123]

ugh, I have nightmares about this subject.

DH's parents & sisters are OUT as we do not talk to them- EVER. They are nasty, rotten people

My Mom is in bad health.

I have no sibs.

DH & I have some cousins that I really like & one best friend in another state.............

Only thing is they are all REALLY mainstream with everything.
I'm worried my wishes would not be followed b/c they are all vax crazy.

We have no idea. :

[polka hop]

*

[DesireeH]

I'd go with love too.

Jevin goes to my parents if we die. My parents are pretty young still (45) so I dont worry about old age or sickness. They love him to death and they would not vaccinate him or feed him total utter crap out of respect for me (plus they agree with me about vaccines). He would be taken well care of. I have a back up if they both die as well because we do NOT want dh's family getting him ever. They wouldnt hurt him but they didnt show their own kids love and they would just tolerate him and I do not want that. If my parents die he would go to my best friend, she is single with no kid but she is an awesome person. She is actually raising someone elses baby right now and she has nothing but love for that baby. I asked her if it would be too much for her but whoever gets Jevin gets the house and our life insurance so she would be able to take care of herself.

[zo's ma]

Well, my sibs are older, my dad even older...dh's family is TOTALY out of the question, I would never be able to RIP. Our friends who would have taken them have seperated....and may divorce Sooo....we're back to the drawing board here.

If it were me, I'd choose your friend.

[Irishmommy]

They will go to a friend of mine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my family, other than distance, and we felt that it would be way less traumatic for the kids to at least be able to stay in their own environment/school etc. than have to uproot and move 3000 miles. Our friends will also ensure continued contact, so that wouldn't be an issue.

[sparkprincess]

Argh! I don't know! I was just debating this with a friend yesterday. It's a really hard choice. I think family is the best option whenever possible, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. We are thinking of asking some good friends of ours.

My mom would love ds to death, but she works 7 days a week and is NOT an ap parent. DH's parents would also love him to death, but their marriage is really unhealthy and fil has a prescription drug problem...not healthy for a kid.

What to do, what to do.....

[moma justice]

it is a hard one isn't it?
i talked to my mom about how i wrote this thread about it...and she was totally shocked that it would not automatically be her///and then also my dad as they are still married

although she has the LOVE, i think she loves my dd as much as i do....seriously, she is older and they live way out in the middle of no where with no neighbors and no other kids...i just think that would be lonely.
i know i was growing up and i had close sibs.
and then there is my dad, he was a loving but abusive father.a dn although health problems, old age, and wisdom has stammped most of his fire out, i just can't get over his violent abuse of my sister's and I .....
i know he can't be violent now even if he wanted to...but still those memories live there at that house in my mind still....
but there is that LOVE there too.
it is hard to explain.
i would just feel better if i could just know who would get her, then i could stop thinking about it.
i was the same way about my parents, as a kid i just wanted a plan
YKWIM?

[momto l&a]

We haven’t a foggy idea
Both or our parents are way too old.
Both of our brothers are
We had friends who we wanted BUT they live in another state and they are having some marital problems so back to the drawing board
My Mom has offered to take the children and then find someone who would be acceptable to our parenting style and who my parents and dh's would find worthy of our children. But dh and I aren’t to happy with that for a number of reasons, one being we want our children to know and like/love who'd they live with and it would just be to much upheaval we feel to loose ones parents then live with grandparents and then go live with who knows.
I have a close friend that we like BUT both she and her dh are the oldest of their families and should their parents die will get all their siblings. One has 6 siblings at home the other 3. They aren’t interested in being possible guardians to any more children :LOL

Dh and I talk of this every so often but never can come up with somebody.

[Beansmom]

I never even thought about the parenting/lifestyle thing when choosing. Probably because I don't really know anyone IRL with my same parenting/NFL lifestyle. So, I have decided to go with family. I guess I just hope if dh and I both die the kid(s) will be old enough to have gotten a good foundation from us. My dd will go to my parents unless their health is too poor, then they would go to my sister. My parents were good parents, and I think they would be even better now, knowing what they know now and seeing how I do things. My sister is single, no kids, really very different from me. She thinks recycling, eating organic and being a vegetarian is weird. But I know she loves my dd and would be good to her, so that's all I can hope for. Plus, I really can't think of who else I would leave her with.

[carolsly]

My BIL and his wife. We have everything all set up (will is free if we use a military lawyer : ) ). All our life insurance and the money set aside for the kids will go in a trust that my IL will hold until the kids are 23. We have visitation agreements in our will for my parents and my side of the family. BIL and his wife are members of the LDS church and I'm not, but I love the way she loves her children and the respect she has for them, I'm okay with them raising them in the church. She is a suzy home-maker and I am not, but they will be loved, cherished and be provided for. My parents will also make sure that whatever our insuranc and trust don't pay for that they will take care of. My kids do have god-parents and I trust and love them, but neither of them can raise kids.

I would go with love. This will be a hard time for your children. Get a will!

[bluey]

My sister and her dh...next in line are my parents. My sis doesn't have any kids yet but they have been living with us (in our basement suite) for most of the kids lives - oldest dd was 1 when they moved in. She (sister) knows how we are raising our kids and will be the same with her own.

[lizzie]

AAAAARGH!

Thanks for bringing this up! I have NO clue... I can't imagine turning them over to my parents; but I can't imagine turning them over to anyone else either. IL's are adoring grandparents and dedicated alcoholics... plus both are in their 60's and they're divorced and live on opposite coasts. So they're not options.

I have a few friends I could see letting them live with, but... my family would be crushed. There were just way too many questionable issues growing up for me to just pack them back to that house. My sister is a real possibility, and I think she's done a great job with my nephew... BUT, again, the parenting choices.. I just don't know! She was rather ap with dn, but was a little to ... laissez faire? when he got to adolesence. Plus she just got remarried, and my nephew is 19 and about to move out of the house, so I don't know if she'd want two new little ones. My new BIL is great though, loves the kids and tells my sis he absolutely won't tolerate any more than 8 children.. I think ultimately I would go with family.. flaws and all, I know they'd be loved and cherished. I do think my family would make at least the effort to tell my dc what dh and I wanted for them, even if they couldn't go all the way to actually living like that.

I try to tell myself that - while I definitely want a plan in place - whatever happens is just what my children will need in that situation, and either way, it will be ultimately out of my hands at that point. RIP? Good luck with that, if we have to leave our babies behind.

lizzie

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I am always so glad to see this issue raised. Please, everyone, make sure you have a choice and that is in writing! It is so important that your wishes are on record so you know what will happen. If you don't make a decision, the courts will and who knows what will happen. And your kids could end up in foster care while it is all being sorted out. Note: I am not knocking foster care, but why use it if not necessary and how scary for children who's parents have just died to go to complete strangers even for a little while! And, if you think that someone may challenge your decision, add a letter to the judge to your paperwork. It has no legal standing, but it is probably the closest you can come to explaining why you did what you did. Finally, remember to revisit the decision periodically and change if needed (e.g. someone gets divorced or has a massive change of heart.)

For us, we have designated our friends, who happen to be a lesbian couple. We felt both sets of our parents were too old (or would be by the time the kids were grown). Plus, DH's parents smoke and mine were abusive. Most of our siblings live to far away. For us, the idea of making children who's parents just died also leave school, friends, church, and community seemed cruel beyond words. Plus, my brother's child is being raised by a nanny (not bad necessarily, but not my choice, either) and his family is too poor for more kids and doesn't have the same values we do. His only local sibling smokes and spanks, so totally out of the question.

The godmommies, on the other hand, have the same values, parent in similar style, belong to the same church, live close by, and are known and loved by the kids. Once we made this decision, we al took parenting classes together so that we had a agreed on set of parenting tools that everyone was comfortable with.

For us, discipline style and values were more important than the sort of food the kids would eat. Now, we are more mainstream than most here with food, but still, if you had to chose, which is worse -- McDonalds or being spanked? This is one of those decisions that can really help you clarify your own priorities and so is a great thought exercise for everyone.

[annakiss]

My parents would get our children.

I actually had a conversation with my mom the other night about what would happen to DH & DS if I died (since this was a very real issue recently). I told her that he & I have talked about it and that I would want him to seek the assistance of my family since his family would be pretty much useless.

As our children get older, I'm sure that these things will change...

[Mavournin]

Ah! Dh and I were just talking about this the other night. We've actually discussed this a lot, but never come to a real decision.

I'm an only child and don't have much extended family. Dh has two sisters, but one is unable to care for herself and the other has three children of her own. She still is the most logical person as we share very similar parenting styles etc, but I just wonder if asking her to take on my two children (plus any future kids) in addition to her own is too much.

[wednesday]

My son would go to DH's brother & SIL, who have 3 kids. They don't do everything the way I would, but they love the heck out of their kids and they love my son too. Maybe he would grow up watching more TV that I would have allowed but to me that's just a detail. I just would want him to be in an evironment where he is totally loved.