who gets custody if you die? - Page 2

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

For us, the idea of making children who's parents just died also leave school, friends, church, and community seemed cruel beyond words.

I can speak from experience and I agree completely. Both my parents died when I was in jr. high (sister was 10, brother was 6). It is hard enough - do NOT (if you have any option) take them away from what they know, all they have left to hold onto. I truly believe it would be traumatic to have to lose everything else also - your house, your school, your friends, your feeling of being "home" where people know you and love you.

I don't know how to quote more than one post - but someone previously said that if kids were in that position, they would want to be with family. That is (how to say respectfully....) total crap! Really, some people have loving families and some don't. Some seem fine but are not the "soft place to fall" that you absolutely need if your kids are going through the deaths of their parents! I had nice family members that lived in other states but that was my biggest fear - that I'd be sent to live with them. They are nice; I love them; they love me; I'd be treated well. BUT I have a life too! Just because I am a child does not mean that I am not attached to my friends, neighborhood, school. Let the poor orphaned children have what they have left! Do not take away the rest of their life too!

In the original posters situation, it is absolutely clear to me. Choose your sister. Not because she is family - that is a very small part of it to me. Choose her because your child ADORES her. She will feel love and be included and be ok. If she eats at McDonalds or watches videos, so not a big deal! My kids do and I can assure you that they are loved and will grow up to be perfectly fine adults. I buy organic milk and selectively vax and send my kid to an alternative school but finding someone who does that themselves is so not a part of my decision making process when choosing guardians for my kids. Who loves them? Who do they love? How will I get those people together with the least amount of disruption to the life my kids have left? Right now, while she is young, moving to your sisters seems the best choice. When she is older (teenage?), you may want to reevaluate and see if someone in your city would work.

I am very social - loved school and my friends. When talk of us going to live with family in Idaho came up, I was adamently against it. I told them I'd run away before I went. It made no sense as I obviously wouldn't be with my friends then either - but I felt a terrible dread at losing my support system, my friends, my school, my whole life it seemed. We got to stay in town with an aunt and uncle (poor choice but even so, it beat moving away).

Sorry if I seem to be contradicting myself - don't move them away! But choose your sister who lives out of town... IF you have any good choices in town, I would always do that. Would your sister ever move to your area? I know I am not explaining myself well.

Basically, choose love over blood - and try to keep them in the same town if you can. What they eat for lunch is so not an issue.

Having it in writing is very important. My siblings and I ended up with family members that neither of my parents would EVER have chosen - but a judge gave us to them because they were blood and they were married.

[CryPixie83]

This question buzzes through my mind too. We're young and healthy but...ya never know, ya know? As it stands we've pretty much agreed that df's brother and his wife are the logical choice, they're young (in their early 30's), financially stable, loving, friendly, smart, live near by, etc BUT at the same time they're big time consumers, love tv, vax, love the doctor (sil works for a physical therapist), wouldn't cosleep, lots of junk food (eating out, soda, though they do eat healthy too), sil has the "my kids were formula fed and are fine" mentality (although her daughter is sick just about every other week ), they are of a completely different faith (they are almost-non-practicing Christians, I am a Pagan Witch), think public schools are wonderful, you get the picture. And of course df idolizes and loves his brother.

Besides which, no one else is near as suitable as they are my mom is out of state, moves constantly, has mental and physical health problems, can barely afford to take care of herself. She is pagan though, and agrees with quite a few of our parenting choices (cosleeping, cd, breastfeeding-she started lactating spontaneously when dd was born!) I also think my mom would be able to move into my coven leaders'/friends' home (they had an intimate relationship at one point) and dd LOVES my mom and my coven leaders (they're pretty much her adopted grandparents). All of our friends are pretty young (only one couple that we trust has a child) and are just not ready to take such a responsibility... I guess if my mom were to reunite with my friends (the coveners) I would discuss this with df as it would be my preference... I don't know how he would react though... I don't know..

[lizzie]

Wow Crystal... you really do need to figure out something in writing... you KNOW who a judge would hand your dd over to!

Looked at her picture... WHAT a doll!

lizzie

[mamarhu]

Thanks for bringing all this up. As a widow, this is often on my mind, yet so difficult to think well about. Add to that: when I told my brother I was planning to adopt more kids, possibly disabled, special needs, transracially, he told me quite bluntly not to count on him to ever be there for my kids. He suggested taking out a very large insuranse policy, implying that only money would induce someone to take "those type of kids". Need I say that I haven't spoken with him since?

I have spoken briefly with one sister about this, and I know she will agree. But why is it so hard to bring it up? Before my husband's death 5 years ago, I could talk easily about death and plans. Now that I realize it could really happen, I side-step the discussion.

I think I will write to her right now - as I said, thanks for bringing this subject up.

[moma justice]

thanks for the input everyone...
i think that i have decided on my mom and dad.....they have just as much/if not more for my dd than my sis does.
they own their home/land and are stable////although old and of somewhat questionable health..
and i did grow up there too and turned out to love it and be at peace with all that happened and i know they will do better with my dd ..older wiserYK?
and my sis has the love and my dd loves her kids and her and her dh but they are YOUNG and still in college and not really stable, as in they do not know where they will eventually live when they grad/settle down

wherea s my dd has been spending weeks at a time several times a year at my parent's house and feels safe and happy there.
she loves my parents too, don't get me wrong....i think it is the combo of my sister and her kids that makes her talk about them all the time etc...

i know my parents will respect my life style chioces and do the best they can for her trying to follow my intent for her raising/growth

my mom is my best friend too and we talk every day on the phone

we have a large life insurance policy that would go to my mom for dd's care/needs

and i guess i would have it written that if my paretns (mostly my mom) where to die, then she would go to my sis as a second option...b/c even if i were to die my sis and her kids would still be a huge part of my dd's and my moms life on a reg basis....

DOES ANY ONE KNOW: if we sign something saying this is our wish and have it noterized if that is anough? we don't think my dh's parents would try to contest it , but they COULD i guess?
or do we have to get a will?

thinking about my dd being in foster care for even an hour makes my feel like i can't breath....

[LunaMom]

We chose my husband's sister and her husband as our daughter's guardians. Our decision was based mostly on the fact that they are family and that they are kind, gentle, loving people with values similar to our own.

At the itme we chose them, they had no children themselves, but they now have a three-year-old son and the way they parent him has only confirmed for us that they were the right choice. They are mindful parents who know how to set gentle limits, and they are intelligent people who are raising a sweet, compassionate, bright boy.

They do live out-of-state, but that can't be helped. We did not have anyone in our area who we felt comfortable choosing.

Ouyr secondary guardians - who would care for DD if SIL and BIL could not for some reason - are my cousin and her husband. They also live out of state and do have three children (all girls!) themselves, but they are family and they also share many of our values.

[mackinsiesmom]

Our dd would go to my best friend and a trust would be set up for any money that dd would get. In order to use any money before dd would get it both my best friend and my DH's best friend both would have to be in agreement for what the money was spend on and both sign to get the money. If they couldn't agree then my fil or if he is dead then my dad would be the tie breaker.

We didn't choose family because we both don't feel like its right that grandparents raise grandkids. They need to enjoy being grandparents and not grandparents/parents. We also didn't choose siblings because we didn't our families to think that we are choosing one family over the other. My best friend has a good relationship with both families and would make sure that both families get to see dd.

[mahogny]

Our kids go to my brother. He's unmarried and has no kids, but he and I have very similar personalities, get along great, and I know that he'd be an awesome guardian. DS adores him, and my brother adores his nieces/nephews.

The other choices were my sister, but she lives in another country, and DS has only met her once, and my husband's sister and her husband, but they are very mainstream, and ultra-conservative, and we just aren't comfortable with that.

Other things that played into our decision:

Job security - my brother is a tenured professor
financial security, my brother would get our life insurance and the kids' college funds, but even if it weren't the case, my brother could support them.
academics - very important to us. With my family, our kids would be going to college guaranteed. With DH's family, it's not as sure of a thing.
visitation/family contacts - even though our kids won't be living with DH's family, we want them to have regular visits and contact. We KNOW my brother would be totally on top of that.
philosophy - DH and I are much more liberal than his family, and my family and DH and I see eye-to-eye politically, religiously, socially, morally, etc.

My brother was more than happy to be named guardian in our will. In fact, when I told him I was pregnant again, he said, "Do I get to have this kid, too?"

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by moma justice

DOES ANY ONE KNOW: if we sign something saying this is our wish and have it noterized if that is anough? we don't think my dh's parents would try to contest it , but they COULD i guess?
or do we have to get a will?

You really should do a full will. You can buy a software package for about $50 that will walk you through all the stuff you need to record. You don't actually need to pay a lawyer to draw it up.

[NoHiddenFees]

Our girls would go with friends of ours in town who have chosen not to perpetuate their genes because of mental illness in their families and may not have enough money to adopt. More importantly, they are a wonderful, gentle couple who share our most fundamental values and would ensure the girls grow up in a loving, moral (small 'm'... no the preachy kind), and intellectually stimulating home. Money would be an issue for them, but we have generous life insurance provisions: more than enough for the girls' living expenses and private school and college tuition.

Neither DH nor myself wish our parents to get custody, and we feel his brother's family (while we love them dearly) don't share enough of our core values to be an option. We haven't yet, however, screwed up the courage to tell them this (however delicately).

[CryPixie83]

How does one break it to family that they are not to be your childrens' guardian in the event of your death?

[DebraBaker]

EEEwwww, That's a hard one.

Mine would have my mom to a large extent and dh's dad to a minor extent involved but my older children will have custody of the minor children and the extended family will be helping them.

To be honest I trust my children with my children more than I would trust them with anyone else on this earth.

Although it gives me the creeps to think about leaving my children before they grew up.

Debra Baker

[starlite]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

I am always so glad to see this issue raised. Please, everyone, make sure you have a choice and that is in writing! It is so important that your wishes are on record so you know what will happen. If you don't make a decision, the courts will and who knows what will happen. And your kids could end up in foster care while it is all being sorted out. Note: I am not knocking foster care, but why use it if not necessary and how scary for children who's parents have just died to go to complete strangers even for a little while! And, if you think that someone may challenge your decision, add a letter to the judge to your paperwork. It has no legal standing, but it is probably the closest you can come to explaining why you did what you did. Finally, remember to revisit the decision periodically and change if needed (e.g. someone gets divorced or has a massive change of heart.)

This is interesting. Obviously I'm in Australia so it's a bit different legally, I'd imagine, than it would be in the States.

I recently tried to create a legal will and testament for this very reason; so that should something happen to dh or I his parents would take custody. They are all for it, and I would be happiest with my inlaws raising my child. However - I got told that children are not 'chattels' or property and cannot be willed to a certain person of choice. The courts will decide at the time, regaurdless of what I write in a will or anywhere, who my children go to and even with a will they still may end up in government care. This freaks me out! I feel powerless ... but what can I do?

Are you guys sure that the law is on your side???

[zo's ma]

"DOES ANY ONE KNOW: if we sign something saying this is our wish and have it noterized if that is anough? we don't think my dh's parents would try to contest it , but they COULD i guess?
or do we have to get a will?"

On top of a will, I was told to make my wishes known to everyone, friends co-workers, whoever. If anyone were to try to say that I was pressured to draw up a will or did it under duress...all of these *witnesses* could come forth and say exactly what I expressed as far as my wishes go.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by starlite

This is interesting. Obviously I'm in Australia so it's a bit different legally, I'd imagine, than it would be in the States.

... cut for brevity, entire post applies...

Are you guys sure that the law is on your side???

I'm sorry, I'm guilty of only looking at this from within the US legal system. Since my husband and my best friends are attorneys, yes, I'm sure that this is the right approach for this IN THE UNITED STATES. I have no idea how it works anywhere else and I should have made that clear. I have a terrible time remembering that there are readers out there from around the world. I should also add that different states in the United States have differing processes for actually making this all work -- I'm in CA. But there must be some way to be heard "from the grave" on the issue in other countries.

[dreadmama]

I'm sorry, I didn't have a chance to read all of the previous posts.

But I wanted to share with you a story that is going on right now. I'm a preschool teacher and one of our children's parents were both killed while on vacation during Christmas time. They were skiing in Austria when an avalanche killed both parents. The children (4 and 6) were with their grandparents, who live in Germany. It is so tragic. The parents were from Germany, but the children grew up in America, living in the same house their whole lives. They are bilingual, because their parents spoke German in the home. Anyway, the legal guardians were family friends living near them in America. The child's teacher says that the 4 year old used to refer to the son of the legal guardian as his "brother". The children's grandparents came back here with them and are staying in their old house, allowing the children to continue to go to their same schools, I think until the end of the school year. Then they will decide together (legal guardians, grandparents, and children) if they should stay in America with their legal guardians or go back to Germany with their grandparents.

I can say that although the 4 year old has a lot of anger at losing his parents, when I see him playing, I can see how helpful it has been for him to have some stability with his friends, teachers, and home. Really, don't under-estimate the value of providing as much continuity during such a difficult time. I also wanted to high-light how important it is for all of the adults in the children's lives to work together to find the best solution.

Peace,

Karen

The