Can we talk Resilience?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Resilience...

I’ve recently been thinking that resilience is something that I feel is important in a person. I’m wondering if anyone has any ideas of specific ways to encourage this.

I’m not really a ‘goal’ type parent but I do have some values that I focus on more than others and this one has recently occurred to me.

I’m off to bed…hope to hear from you! Thanks.

[mommyofshmoo]

Interesting that you mentioned it.

I just read a few weeks ago that resilience as an adult is linked to attachement tto the mother in the first three years of life. I didn't read this from some AP source either, it was in time magazine or somesuch.

Also- lots of studies show that kids who deal with high stress early in life have exxaggerated stress responses later. the one study I recall was based on divorce. I'm sure it depends on the type of stress.

interested to hera what others have to say.

[annakiss]

mommyofshmoo brings up a good point. I've always felt that (and this is basic attachment theory) attachment instills confidence and independence. When one is not doubtful of one's foundation, one will have an ability to cope with change quite effectively. The foundation of love and support from family is key. I think that being an attachment parent and practicing gentle disciplines have this desirable side-effect of resiliency, so I'm sure you're doing great already!

Just by way of example, last week I was in this major car accident and spent the night at the hospital with my husband at my side. My son (2.5 yo) was at home with a friend who he has had some, but not tons of contact with. He was asleep when my husband left the house to see me at the hospital, but awoke in the middle of the night and I wasn't there. I was worried about this, but he did fine. He freaked a bit, but went back to sleep. He wasn't concerned at all when neither of us were there in the morning and in fact could have cared less when I got back home after having not seen him for 24 hours. Not a huge upset for him, but it affirms my confidence that this kid is indeed quite resilient.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

There is a specific thing that’s making me think of this. DC started pre-K and I really was gentle with her. I thought she was ready ~ she said she was. We got aquainted with the school stopping by for *6 months*!! Then I stayed with her for 2.5 weeks (every day) leaving for short periods. Anyway, I decided to try leaving her even though she was upset that time just to see if that would get her over that ‘hump’. It didn’t work. She cried the whole 20 minutes and now seems totally traumatized! She has major separation anxiety and has regressed in some ways.

It really bothers me that this could have happened with 20 minutes, yk? What does this say about her resilience. And, yes, what if I were in an accident or she was lost or something. I mean, 20 minutes at a pre-K she knows is nothing compared to an emergency situation.

Freaks me out, yk?

[onlyzombiecat]

I just read an interesting site about helping children to be resilient. It seems to be a complex development- not based on just one factor. You might want to check it out. http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html#chapter1

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Thanks, that looks good.

[sunnmama]

Wow, great link. Printing that out to pore over.

[lauraess]

I read once that children who grow up in alchoholic homes have great resiliance. this always made sense to me since i've experienced it. what this says in relation to ap... ???
- my thoughts on dd's reaction to being left at pre-k: she just wasnt ready yet. Did she expect you to always stay? I think each kid is different with this and the right way is not always the same for each.
~L

[IdentityCrisisMama]

So, I printed that thing out…bad idea! Our printer tray is broken and the thing is LONG! I’m going to read through it.

I’m interested in what lauraess has to say though because I think I can trace some of my resilience to a definite non-AP part of my childhood. This gives me the impression that resilience is more complicated than “just AP them”.

Thoughts?

[mamawanabe]

I imagine it would have a lot of to with innate temperment.

OTOH, I do attribute my resiliance to knowing that I wasn't going to be taken care of (my family was moderately poor and also of the when-you-are-18-you-are-on-your-own philosophy). I didn't have a lot handed to me material-wise, though in other wasys my family was pretty loving and stable.

[mommyofshmoo]

Originally Posted by lauraess

I read once that children who grow up in alchoholic homes have great resiliance. this always made sense to me since i've experienced it. what this says in relation to ap... ???
- my thoughts on dd's reaction to being left at pre-k: she just wasnt ready yet. Did she expect you to always stay? I think each kid is different with this and the right way is not always the same for each.
~L

I think it may depend on what you call resilience and when you look at it.

I'd guess that children who grew up in dysfunctional homes or alcoholic homes may develop a certain resilience as children, but may not necessarily be the best adjusted adults.

I grew up with alcoholism, drug use, emotionally unstable parents, and as a child I developed a lot of skills and resilience to take care of youngers sibs, cook and clean, be independent, etc.

To this day, I handle tragedy, instability and mayhem better than most people I know. In that way I'm very resilient.

However I have a lot of non-specific anxiety and have a pretty hard time dealing with day-to-day worries and stable life. I spent many years creating drama in my life because my anxiety always got the better of my when things were stable. I was always waiting for the shoe to drop.

So while kids in alcoholic homes may seem very resiilient at , say, 9 years old. They may later have to deal with buried emotions that come up when the external stressors are gone.

Just a thought.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Good point, mos.

[lauraess]

Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo

I think it may depend on what you call resilience and when you look at it.

I'd guess that children who grew up in dysfunctional homes or alcoholic homes may develop a certain resilience as children, but may not necessarily be the best adjusted adults.

.

The resiliance I understand and am speaking of is the ability to bounce back, to get back on the horse. While i certainly am not the most well-adjusted to everyday life I have been able to constantly Keep going despite various amounts of upheavals and major dissappointments. It's not that I bounce back immediately, but somehow i keep bouncing back even surprising myself when i just want to give up in many ways.
I agree that there seems to be more to resiliance than is easily understood.
At the same time I think there is a whole lot more to a person and their ability to be healthy and happy besides resiliance.
~l