I think I have failed my children...

[Ligmom]

Not sure if this is the right forum for this so if it needs to be moved, mod, please do so. I THINK the problem is discipline, so this seems right.

I am so humiliated to make this post.

My children are out of control. I don't even know how to begin to describe their behavior but it is just unacceptable. They don't follow direction (mine or anyone else), they are distructive (our home is trashed--like rock stars live here. seriously.), and they don't seem to have any idea that certain behaviors are inappropriate. They are wonderful people, with great personalities...they just don't seem grasp that sometimes you really do HAVE to do things you don't want to do. Sometimes you really do need to obey your parents. The floor is not the same as a trash can.

These things seem basic to me, but they just don't seem to grasp it. My youngest son actually is the most well-behaved of all of them, and he is TWO. I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of to teach them to respect our home, to teach them to work cooperatively with me and dh...Nothing has helped.

I need ideas and thoughts. Where do I begin to bring order to this chaos????? I don't want to do the whole authoritarian thing "This is my house, and while you live here..."...:shudder I just feel myself turning into my parents even typing it:Puke

I feel that I have failed them. I haven't taught them what it means to respect anything.

Now I will hit submit before I chicken out.

[foreverinbluejeans]

You say that you have tried everything. Please explain what you have tried. What are the ages of your children?

[kathipaul]

Why don't you try the book list at the beginning of this forum. There a lot of great books you could get at the library. I am sure they would give you lots of ideas. I would start slow. Start with just one thing you want to work on and try the same plan for at least a week to see if your kids change. It will take a lot of work and patience but it is possible to change. I am sure you have not failed your children. It is never too late for growth and change.

[Ligmom]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

You say that you have tried everything. Please explain what you have tried. What are the ages of your children?

I'm sure I haven't tried everything...just everything I can think of.

My sons are almost 7 years old, 4.5 years old, and 2 years old. A little history...when I was a new mom I had never heard of gentle discipline or anything non-mainstream. I didn't know there were other ways to discipline so for the first 3 years or so of my parenting we did spank : Finally I decided that not only was it not working--it just felt awful...so we stopped. Since then we have tried time-outs, time-ins, redirection, charts, checklists, rewards, loss of priveledges, 123 Magic....um...I am sure there are more things we have tried I just can't remember everything.

I will check out the book list but really, I have read so many books. Many of them, I can't figure out how to translate into our lives. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I spend most of my time with my kids nagging them about what they have/ haven't done. OR mediating disagreements...:sigh:

Thanks for the replies and for not judging me.

[mama ganoush]

i don't think i have any great advice. i would just like to point out, that imo, there is no form of discipline that 'works". if by works one means that you do something for a day, a week, or even a month, and then the inappropriate behavior suddenly stops. if spanking 'worked' you'd have to just spank once, ya know? There is no magic discipline bullet. Disicpline is more of a journey than that.

i'd be far more concerned if your children were in their teens and having this type of attitude. but i think their behavior still falls under age appropriate. Most importantly, you haven't 'failed' anyone.

also, you can set limits and enforce them without being a big time 'authoritarian' type.

wish i could be more helpful, mama! hang in there-you are doing a great job and you have NO reason to be embarassed about anything you posted-this is the kind of stuff we are all going through, and are to here to listen to.

[lilyka]

Ok the short version. my kids were exactly your childrens age when I decided it was time for everyone to shape up. everything was out of control and I decided it was time for a change. A good friend of mine laid out a plan for me and I swear I am putting that woman in my will.

the bare bones of it is they are brought in close to my side and never allowed without arms reach until I could trust them to move further out without making trouble. In the mean time were were spending so much time close together that we have began to re-establishing our relationship, they have been tought good choices and the consequences of not making them, I have been able to correct and redirect more quickly and with a plan and without loosing it. after all I am able to catch things before they become a huge problem. I can see when there is potential for a problem before it actually happens and correct at that moment. anyway, it has been slow going but I am pleased with the results. If you are intrested in details feel free to PM me so I can spare boring everyone who is sick of hearing me blather.

[mamaduck]

Lilyka, nobody is tired of hearing you blather! For goodness sake, your "stick like glue" method is at the *heart* of gentle discipline. Close proximity to our children at all times is exactly what fosters attachment -- and it is that attachment that makes them *want* to respect us and be guided by us. AND it is also what gives us the opportunity to model what we want from them.

To Ligmom -- I just wanted to suggest involving your kids in more household chores. Not in a punitive way, but in a fun kind of way. Make it seem like a project! I've seen kids become extremely careful and responsible after learning first hand what is involved in maintaining a home. They don't want to mess up what they feel pride in. And real work is something to feel proud of.

Also, my theory is that the best defense against poor behavior is *keeping them busy* all the time until they are worn out!!!!

Some ideas:

- Cook something together and then engage them in washing the dishes afterwards with you.
- Allow them to vacuum with a stick-vac while you vacuum with the big vacuum.
- Buy enough feather dusters for everyone to dust together.
- Give them water in a spray bottle and have them "clean" the tub and walls while you clean the bathroom.
- Make plans for organizing things, and ask them for ideas. Get them enthused about the idea of redoing a play area, and take their contributions very seriously.

And I agree with the pp that they are little and it is too soon to feel that you have failed. You aren't done yet. You have a long way to go yet, and plenty of time to succeed.

[Sahara]

Ligmom,
I just wanted to mention one book,
Kids are Worth It! by Barbara Coloraso. It is simple, respectful, and pretty effective. The ideas she has really rang true to me, and helped me learn how to communicate to my son with authority and respect, and still be gentle and respectful with my discipline. She lays things out for you well, so it's easy to start applying right away.
It doesn't sound to me like you've failed your children. If you had, you wouldn't be looking for ways to improve things, you'd just be doing the same old thing without asking questions.