*inner* voice??

[hawkfeather]

Okay.. just looking for some basic reassurances.. or feedback..
So I am 32 weeks, our baby will come sometime in April.. my fifth, dh's first..my last was a homebirth with midwives in attendence, but strictly hands off! they didn't do anything *except* administer a shot of oxytocin after the placenta.. so for some info I did have a farily bad PPH after my third birth a homebirth transfer.. but i knwo without question it was due to the caregiver mishandling the third stage (she pulled the cord to remove a still attached placenta), I fought tooth and nail to be *allowed* my homebirth with my fourth...but that is also why i got a shot of oxytocin, due to a *histroy* off bad bleeding..
So here I am.. easy to count down the remains of my pregnancy.. but this is what i would like feedback on...I have read (alot lately) from UCers stories and posts on boards and scuh about knowing when to transfer.. and how these moms foten had issues when visualizingthe birth prior to labour with missing pieces, or bad feelings or whathave you.. they all *knew* somethign was wrong or would go wrong..I vented a bit with my dh about it, this large amount of info on trusting your inner voice.. which i felt GREAT about *until* i started reading these posts...of course I visualize the birth and generally it has all different outcomes.. i have bled before.. so in order to be prepared i have herbs and such on hand, but it also means i have *visualized* what myself, dh and our baby would go thourgh with a PPH UC.. I have thought abot potential complicatoins.. and none really felt like they were an issue before.. but I went to sleep after reading these stories and of course had a horrid dream abotu leaking fluids and thick meconium and no husband to help me.. it was really a terrible dream...i woke up and thought to myself okay so what is *MY* actual inner voice saying.. this is not me, this is *outer* voices.. you know the ones we hear for our whole lives that say birth is an illness requiring treatment, that we are incapable...but it still left me shaken.. i need to remind myself of what brought me to this place in the first place....but it did scare me.. I have never gone into a birth without at some point worrying about a bad outcome..but it is fleating and generally my thoughts are happy and anxious to positive.. now.. these once in a while very normal worries or thoughts feel heavy and daunting....I *had* faith in my body and my baby...i need a spark under my faith fires!
any feedback.. on inner voice.. outer voice.. fear mongering..trust..
I have sat with it and tried hard to tune into my deepest core of knowledge.. all i get is.. flow with it.. i have no way of knowing at this point how things will go.. I know i can and have done it, i know what our ideal of *health* is is at home with us without medical iterventions.. I would never deny inerventions *that are actually needed*. but i have no intentions of going into my birth waiting for the worst or thinking of negative outcomes.. so anybody?.. i am not sure what i am asking here.. but hey i got it out ..heh

[KateSt.]

Hawkfeather -- I think what you're going through is perfectly normal. What helped me immensely was writing down my specific fears and then countering them with a list of specific beliefs. I wrote 2 "fear lists" a couple of months ago and immediately after wrote down my "belief lists". Just last night (I wrote this in the uc support thread, too) my dh and I had an intimate blessingway where we built a fire and talked about each list. We tore the fear lists up and burned them in the fire. I can't tell you empowering this was!! I've been feeling euphoric and confident ever since. Even if you don't want to go through a special ritual like I did, just writing down your fears may do a lot to diffuse them. In fact, you probably felt better after just writing your post, right?

Now any time I have a negative thought or fear creep up I say a loud mental "STOP!" and immediately replace it with a positive thought or vision. I read my belief lists almost every day and I really think they will come to fruition. We will soon find out!

Hope some of this helps. Sending positive vibes your way....

[cresorchid]

how about the little one's voice?

I'm really new to this, but my instinct here would be to tune into the baby you are carrying. You can't seem to differentiate between those outer voices and your inner voice because there is so much static. But what do you hear/feel/sense when you tune into the baby? Oftentimes, it will be the BABY who says "things are going great" or "we have a problem here." What I am doing and suggest is that you take a few minutes a couple of times each day and tune into the baby. With 4 other kids it might be difficult to find the quiet time, but it could be at night while you are in bed, in the morning before getting up, while in the shower, those kinds of times. After a week or so (in order to give yourself time to really tune in to one another and be sure it isn't those outer voices again), notice whether you feel more confident and relaxed after this communing with the baby or more agitated, nervous, disturbed, insecure, etc.

[plantmommy]

YES! Listen to your baby. Reading this thread gave me chills, and made me smile.

Early in my last labor, it felt all wrong; I was in pain, the cntrx felt useless. At 5am I went out on the deck, looked at the stars. I had been crying. But then, I just listened; I listened to the sounds around me, cleared my head and my heart, and KNEW what was wrong. Babe was posterior. I think I might have said it aloud, but I'm not sure... I did at least think that, though, emphatically, and I got a few good kicks soon after, confirming babes position.

I called my m/w for advice, since the stuff I was trying to get him to spin wasn't working (all fours, etc.), and got him to spin. All felt right from then on; I took a long nap, rousing slightly during contractions, and went on to have a wonderful pain-free labor and birth. Everything went so well that I kept telling my m/w not to hurry, do what she needed to do, etc., and kept saying that through what was (in retrospect) transition. She arrived after the birth, with my never having said "come, now!" because she wasn't needed... since she'd done my prenatal care, I think she felt obligated to look us over.

Trust yourself and your baby.

[Aurora]

I think most of us have something we fear and need to work through. Kate's idea about the lists is great! I agree with everyone who has said to listen to your baby. Take a bit of quiet time and just listen and be connected.