My Parenting Style Is Under Attack!

[AngelBee]

By everyone!!! It is really hard for me.

I'm so frustrated I don't even know what to write.

I believe that my children are capable to make decisions. Others think I should "Let them know who is incharge" or "They deserve a spanking!"

OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!

Example: My daughter, 3, wrote ALL over her arms with ink. I was calm and told her that some ink may not be good on her skin. My mom freaked out!!! She was saying that I am too laid back and my children look like welfare kids. Who in their right mind would allow their children to behave this way.

I also allow my children to jump on the bed....mattress on the floor. Most children love to do it. What is the big deal???

My son LOVES to make breakfast and does so every morning for sis and himself. Mean while, I nurse baby and get him ready for the day. Dh just told me I am neglectful and should make breakfast myself. That I am being lazy!

Am I off or something?

This is really hurting me!!!

[mamaliss]

I get unsolicited advice too, nobodys business but your own!!!!

[annethcz]

It doesn't matter HOW you parent, you will never please everybody. Parent in a manner that is consistent with your values, and your children will benefit.

I know, it's hard to take criticism, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. My children are treated in much the same manner.

[artgoddess]

You sound like a good mama to me. I don't know what purpose hitting a child or yelling at them is supposed to serve. Children learn from pressing their limits. If you did all the work of setting every limit, boundry etc... before they get a chance to learn on their own, then they will never stretch, explore and discover for themselves.

I, personally, think it's great your son likes to make breakfast. As long as he's not using a hot stove unsupervised, let him go ahead, and tell DH he is learning to be independant, and as a wife you know how much his future bride will appreciate the apron strings not coming attached.

[mommyofshmoo]

To mom: If it bothers you so much to see them, maybe you shouldn't see them so much.

To dh: So we don't plan to have our children do any chores?

To everybody else: "Mind your own *&^%^^ business"

[Starflower]

It sounds to me like you are being attacked.

Obviously, you're not allowing to do anything that is harmful to themselves or to others. I think the "show'em who's in charge" crowd tend to be the ones who make it harder for kids to learn to make their own decisions when they are older.

As for the jumping on the mattress - if it's on the floor, and it sounds like you've addressed the safety issues - I agree with you that it's perfectly acceptable. You have given your kids boundaries - they have a place you feel is appropriate for jumping. It might even help to keep them from jumping on inappropriate furniture.

And about the breakfast thing? If your DS really does like to make breakfast while you nurse, what's the harm in that? I think it's great for boys to learn that nurturing behaviors are OK and can be fun. If DH thinks it's neglectful for his son to make breakfast, maybe he can get in the kitchen alongside him and help him out.

Keep your chin up - I think you sound like a good mama.

[fiikske]

Hi Angela,

it does hurt a lot if especially your nearby family and husband (!) criticize you! Especially the remark of your husband, I think I would have exploded. I think it is great that your son is so helpful! I think you're doing a great job!

It's hard to cope with such comments!
Fiikske

[chfriend]

Welfare kids? Hurump. on that. The proper term is raggamuffin.

Our rule: you can draw on yourself or paper. I don't want to clean anything else up. So my kid went through a period of looking like she'd visited a bad tatoo parlor.

Bed jumping. What, you'd rather they jump on the couch? We have jumping beds (the ones we actually sleep in) and non-jumping beds (the futon couch and the bunk bed). My kid has no trouble distinguishing a jumping bed from a non-jumping bed. And if my kid didn't get to jump she'd have a really rough day because she needs the stimulation.

Breakfast. Do you think you could teach him to bring you coffee while he's at it? Lazy? Let your husband spend a couple of days home with 3 kids. If dp called me lazy and neglectful, we'd be headed off to have a 3rd party counselor, clearness committee or clergyperson to help get that straight.

Lazy my sweet behind.

To everyone but your husband, I'd say thanks for the suggestion and refuse to discuss it further. They wear out eventually. If your husband was my dp, I'd say a lot more than that.

[AngelBee]

Thank you mamas!

We live with my mom, dad, and 16 yr old brother......that makes it really hard.

I am actually going to look into counciling for dh and I. We are having a really hard time with work load being divided up. Also I have severe attention problems and he thinks I use it as an excuse. That mental issues are all a cover up for laziness or lack of self discipline.....blah, blah, blah!

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by AngelBee

Am I off or something?

No. You just seem to know a lot of uptight people.

It's awesome that your son wants to make breakfast. Maybe you should ask your dh what his beef with this is? Does he think that it's "women's work?" Would he feel better if your daughter were the one making breakfast? If so, he needs a reality check. Your son is learning valuable life skills and showing that he thinks about others. Very cool. It sounds like he has a fabulous mother helping him find his way.

Ink on the arms? Meh. Who cares? It washes off, right? It's not like she's tattooing herself.

And jumping on the bed? Jumping is fantastic for brain development. Really. Google it (you might have luck with the term "rebounding" in addition to jumping) and print out whatever you find (which you should find lots), if you're so inclined, and show it to your mother. Or you could just tell her to bugger off as it's really none of her business.

[lizzie]

You sound like a loving, laid back mama with her priorities in order, but that's just me. I think it's hard for people who are uptight or denied a really fulfilling childhood themselves to stand idly by while others calmly allow children to be children. Maybe THAT's their problem?

And I agree w/pp... shine on the relatives, but dh needs to get his head straight. Did he marry you for better or worse? Does he get that comments like that don't accomplish anything but undermining your relationship and possibly your own self-worth? Why would he want to hurt you like that? I think you're plan for counseling is probably key. Nothing hurts like your choice of partner dissing your choices!

lizzie

[happyhiker&littlehikers]

If you stick to what you know is right for your kids,you will build their trust- and your own trust in yourself.But if you were to do something against your conscience,you'd feel terrible about it for a very long time. When my first dd(now 22) was about two,I had decided not to spank her.But I was a teen mom,and I was very influenced by others.
So I sometimes did spank her during her childhood.You know what? I regret it very much.She doesn't feel she was abused or anything(we've had many talks) but I know what a sensitive intelligent child she was.I know she would have been better off without it.Believe me you don't want to feel like that someday.I forgive myself, it's just that you can't go back.I love the kind of parent she is-very AP and I get to share that with her as my son and hers are pretty close in age (4yrs and 18mos).I love that I've been able to apologize to her. But I also am proud of parents like you who trust in their childrens' ability to be good people without having to be in fear. Aren't you glad you'll never have to make those kinds of apologies to your kids?
Your son will have a wonderful mind and confidence knowing he can do things by himself.No way is that inappropriate for a five year old. All my kids have started doing chores by my side at early ages when they still thought it was fun.That's the time to start because they have positive feelings about pitching in.Two dd's- one an adult and one almost eighteen- are wonderful about work ethic in and out of home! Believe me we're doing our ds's wives a big favor teaching them self-sufficiency!
You DO sound like a great mama!
Lisa

[onlyzombiecat]

I think it is pretty common for 3 year olds who have gotten access to a pen or marker to draw on themselves. It is called being 3 years old. It washes off. No big deal. I encourage my dd to draw on paper instead of herself or walls but if she draws on herself I don't freak out. I just hand her a washcloth or something. I don't think children whose families are receiving welfare are dirtier or are neglected just because their parent receives financial assistance. What a hideous stereotype! I'm sure children of all economic situations get dirty sometimes.

I think most children I've ever met have jumped on a matress. If it is on the floor and not someone else's bed then I don't see the problem. It's fun to jump on a bed. I do it with my dd sometimes.

I don't know about the breakfast issue. Again I think it is no big deal if it is the kid's idea and isn't doing something dangerous. My 4 year old dd likes to make things. She has asked to make Daddy's lunch before. She was excited and proud to do something for someone by herself.

Your family seems to be ganging up on you over nothing. Have they always been critical or abusive or uptight? I think you definitely need counseling with your dh if he is putting you down and dismissing mental issues like that.

[saintmom]

I let em use wahable markers! If my older ones hadn't fixed their own breakfast through the years they might not have gotten any.Sounds like dp has his own issues.You sound like a fun relaxed mom Wish I was closer I'd come show you all how to paint your feet and walk on paper,makes a neat collage......what would allthose critics think of that?

[DebraBaker]

I wish I could be that laid back.

DB

[Rainbow]

I just have to laugh, because i draw on my body and my kids bodies with them. They *LOVE* it! "Draw me a bumblebee mommy!"

Ok, so don't do face, do legs & bellies where clothes will cover it. Kids are totally smart enough to figure this out. Then you're indulging them, and it is covered when they go out. Ask your mom what exactly is wrong with welfare kids- it is a horribly prejudiced & classist statement.

So, your husband calling you lazy- that is an entirely a bigger issue than making breakfast. Is he lazy when he lets the kids get dressed alone or make breakfast alone? Why exactly does this make *YOU* lazy. Is he incapable of helping? I mean really. Kids love being self reliant. They need room to grow. Take it from the wife of a man whose mother did *everything* for him... it isn't a good idea!

[crunchy_mama]

I think your doing great, heck I wish mine were old enough and had the inclination to fix me breakfast! What a great skill he is learning. I hope your situation improves.

[DebraBaker]

Y'know there are a lot of men my age who couldn't cook a decent meal to save their lives.

Perhaps if someone *encouraged* them to cook instead of expecting their mother to do everything domestic (lest she be accused of laziness) perhaps they would have led different (more egalatarian) lives.

My grandmother was a lazy woman. She had sons and she expected her sons to cook and clean the house. My dad took care of us and cleaned up the dishes and cleaned the house as a grown man. It took me awhile to realize he wasn't the norm that that '50's style bring home the bacon and have the little woman fry it up and clean up the mess type was in the majority.

No one hated my grandmother because she raised men who knew to pull their own weight in the house.

Debra Baker

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

No, you are not off, but your family might be... The only way I can see it being any business of your mother's if the kids jump on the bed is if it is her bed (you said you live with them). Then, I think you have to enforce her rules (though NOT her methods of enforcment). Otherwise, just keep repeating, "Thank you for your advise." and leave it at that.

As for your DH, that is a different story. You guys need to be in agreement on parenting decisions and about household responsibilities. Counseling sounds like a good idea. Frankly, if he were mine, I would probably say "If you don't like DS fixing breakfast, then you had better do it instead." Truly, unless he is doing more than you in terms of housekeeping, he has no reason to call you lazy. And even if he IS doing more than you, "lazy" is still not an appropriate name to call anyone!

I say hold your ground!

[AngelBee]

As far as the welfare thing....I had been on welfare for the first 6 months of DS1 life. I was unexpectedly put on bedrest and spent my savings then to support myself for the remainder of the pregnancy. His sperm donor (bio father who is a donkey butt) to this day....5 years later....only has paid 2-3 months worth of child support.

My mother was also on welfare when I was little. She was a single mom of two girls and had been physically abused. Kicked him out on his bum!

So, I don't know why she would even say that!!!


As far as dh, I am not a good house keeper. I am a GREAT mama though. I would rather teach my children and play with them all day. I think "chores" should be done as a family. All memebers should participate in tending to their home. He disagrees.

I also own a dance academy and work 20 hours or so there (more usually; cut hours cause of baby) I bring the children with me almost everytime. Otherwise the have a play date with family friends.

So it is just very hurtful and frustrating when people attack me. I know I could be doing more, but I am really trying as far as keeping the house. It is very difficult because I get so side tracked.