Back from the darkside...

[mama2annabelle]

And if feels sooo good to be home!!! I started out as a gentle parent, but started spanking a few months ago. I came to the decision to spank b/c DD was out of control and it seemed nothing else "worked". Spanking was a quick and easy way to get her to behave. Oh stupid STUPID me!!! I let other people convince me that GD didn't work and that's why DD was behaving so badly. What I didn't realize, or didn't want to see, was that I was not practicing GD at all...I was just plain permissive. I recently read a great gentle discipline book called Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton that put things into perspective for me.
I had been directed to a "child rearing" website by some friends and checked it out. Oh, my heart aches over the things I read there. They talk like they're training DOGS, not children...and I wouldn't even treat a dog the way they are advocating. It makes me so sad to know that several of my good friends read these things and find them to be acceptable.

I am filled with guilt over causing my DD fear and pain. I know that all I can do now is start fresh and anew and never go back there.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by mama2annabelle

I know that all I can do now is start fresh and anew and never go back there.

Indeed, you can. Keep reading, keep telling yourself what you know in your heart. Make time to be with your DD everyday and make a point to connect through discipline rather than disconnect.

I'm not sure where things are at with your DD at present, but clearly something has told you that the darkside was no help and perhaps made things worse? At any rate, I like this quote:

"If kids aren't acting right, it's because they aren't feeling right. " -- Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

Whenever I'm at my wits end with my DS, I remember this and remember that as his mom, I can be with him, find out what's fueling a behavior and help him through it. By connecting through discipline, rather than disconnecting, we solve problems, work through issues, rather than just stop behaviors.

The best and welcome (back),
Em

[Mothra]

How old is your daughter? Really, no matter what the age, I think it is really important that you talk to her and explain that what you did was wrong and that you are sorry. I think it is crucial that you talk to her about what happened and let her know that it isn't her fault that you hit her and that it won't happen again. You don't have to bring it up constantly, but I think you should allow her to talk about it, too.

Keep reading. http://www.nospank.net has a lot of really good resources. Something else that might help, in addition to gentle discipline resources, is information on child development. I have a lot of background in child development that helps me to understand why my children behave the way they do. My husband doesn't, and tends to be more bothered by their perceived misbehavior. For example, my 7yo is lying a lot these days. While not appropriate and not something we permit, it is completely normal from a developmental standpoint. Many children this age use lying as a way to explore their world-- to test their reality against yours and to see how closely we're really watching them. If you know what to expect before it happens, you'll be better equipped to deal with it.

Thank you for realizing how harmful spanking is. Your daughter will thank you one day, too.

[meco]

I am glad you decided to give it another go...And congrats on a fresh, new start with your DD!!!!



Now the book...would I gift it my sister who is a very conservative Christian and thinks when she has kids (getting married next month, want to start soon) she would spank them and pratice Ezzo? I would love to give her something with a Biblical perspective on GD. Thanks, mama!

[mamaduck]

Our kids give us unlimited chances, and they don't stop loving us and wanting us. You will be okay! Don't let yourself wallow in guilt.... you have made a change for the better and are moving on and there is no need to feel shame for something that no longer defines you.

Keep on posting, and let us support you through this transition.

[annettemarie]

Hooray for you!! (And how wonderful for your little ones!)
Annette

[mama2annabelle]

Embee--I love the idea of connecting with your children through discipline, rather than disconnecting. That's always going to be in my mind now.

Mothra--DD is 2 yrs 5 months and yes, she will certainly understand an apology from me (and DH). Thank you for the idea. You know, the sad thing is I too have a great deal of knowledge of child development, both from classes in college and from working for many years as a nanny. So of all people I should have known better, right? I guess I just let other people's advice and opinions override what I already knew in my heart. The past 5 months or so have been a struggle for me in many ways (new baby, PPD) and I think I just let go of my convictions and took the easy route.

Meco--Yes! Get the book for your sister. It is excellent and it is from a conservative Christian viewpoint. If you want more resources to show her about the Bible and spanking, PM me. I have been doing a lot of reading on this topic b/c MANY MANY of my friends believe that we are MANDATED to spank our children by the Bible and this is simply FALSE.

Thanks Ladies for the support!

[Alexander]

Don't bang your head - Bang your head.

Well, banging your head aginst a wall hurts. However, now you have stopped, you can easiliy see which hurts

welcome back.

a

[monkey's mom]

Originally Posted by Embee

By connecting through discipline, rather than disconnecting, we solve problems, work through issues, rather than just stop behaviors.

This is just beautifully said! Right to the heart of the matter.



Mama2annabelle, it is always a journey and sometimes we get off the path and stumble and trip. Glad your heart knew the way.