formula in my grocery cart

[azedazobollis]

I may be that mom you saw in the store the other night. I bought formula and avent bottles. I also had a 5 day old baby in my maya wrap snuggled againsty my chest. You smiled at me when you saw my sling. You asked how old my little one was, I told you. We ahd a short chat. It was late, I was tired. I had a cart filled with newborn clothes and diapers, some other odds and ends.

Minutes later, you saw me at the checkout as I placed several cans of Enfamil with lipil on the belt. Your facial expression changed and you made some comment to your friend about how its ashame a newborn wasn't breastfed.

Have you done this? Have you almost done this?

Here's what you didnt know. I picked up my newborn from the hospital that day. I am a foster mom. My two and a half year old just weaned a few weeks ago. I am currently building up a milk supply. I may be breastfeeding this babe, but I certainly wouldn't tell you that because I wouldn't want to jeopardize this placement. Im just as crunchy as you thought I was. But I do need to buy formula and use bottles. I dont know how long I will have this babe- be it one more week, or a whole year.

Please, next time you are out, remember me and my post. I need all the support I can get. When my own "tribe" does this to me, it hurts me. And I didn't know you, so I could not have told you my story while we stood there in the check out isle.

Peace to you and yours.

[Ruby Pearl]

I am sorry you faced this kind of criticism from someone. I have always wondered if a foster mother would be allowed to breastfeed a foter baby! I have also often wondered to myself what would happen if a breastfed baby who would not take a bottle were taken into foster care, how they would take care of this baby?

[medaroge]

My heart broke when reading this reply, that someone would do that to another mamma. It is a gentle reminder not to jump to conclusions and that we all need to stick together!
Thank you so much for this post, and thank you for being a Foster Mom, we need more like you in this world!
~Melissa

[Fiercemama]

Thank you. We all need a reminder to be compassionate once in a while. Don't jump to conclusions about what other mothers are doing. You have NO idea. Context is everything.

I had tremendous problems with bfing in the start. I decided to exclusively pump for 2.5 months, to allow my severely abraded nipples to heal. Yes, I got looks, comments and questions as I gave a bottle to my 3 month old DD from those who assumed it was formula. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Foster parents are very special people. This baby is so lucky to have you in their life. Good luck with the breastfeeding. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help you out.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by Ruby Pearl

I have always wondered if a foster mother would be allowed to breastfeed a foter baby

Um, we're not, as the op well knows, otherwise she wouldn't be saying this:

Originally Posted by azedazobollis

but I certainly wouldn't tell you that because I wouldn't want to jeopardize this placement.

As for a bf baby in care, I know that our agency encourages the mom to pump, and have frequent visits to nurse.

[Ravin]

I'd say it IS a shame that your newborn foster child couldn't be breastfed. It's a shame any child is thrust into a world where she/he cannot be cared for and nurtured by his/her own mother/parents in the way a child deserves.

But we don't live in a perfect world, and YOU are doing the absolute best you possibly can for that baby. You are absolutely right that people shouldn't judge a mother based on assumptions. Though personally, if I saw a mom w/ a crunchy carrier I would probably assume there were unusual circumstances which necessitated formula, not mother's choice.

[ebethmom]

I'm sorry you were subjected to such thoughtless behavior. Thank you for your story - I'm reminded again how important it is to treat all mothers with respect and kindness.

[Ruby Pearl]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

As for a bf baby in care, I know that our agency encourages the mom to pump, and have frequent visits to nurse.

How do they get the milk into the baby if the baby is like mine and won't take a bottle? It's great that they at least try to keep the baby on breastmilk though.

[jeca]

nope, nevr had those thoughts. But I have had plenty of formula feeders tell me it's a shame I'm not using formula so I could do so much more. I'm wondering where are these bad ass breastfeeding mamas going around looking down on all. Where were they when I was FF? Why is it I only got talked down to by formula feeders?
I'm sorry you feel like your being looked down on. I think it's kind of a luck of the draw you'll get ton of support cause you are doing an awesome thing and you'll get a bitty body making you her daily cause. Don't think that we are all like that.

[Ruby Pearl]

Originally Posted by Ravin

if I saw a mom w/ a crunchy carrier I would probably assume there were unusual circumstances which necessitated formula, not mother's choice.

I have come across people who actually chose to FF their baby, but carry the baby in a sling too. I try to just be happy that they are at least meeting the baby's non-nutritional needs in some manner. I have trouble being supportive of mother's who don't even try to breastfeed though. Choosing to give a child less than the best right from the start just does not seem like a good way to start out parenting and sets a pretty bad precedent for the future IMO.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by Ruby Pearl

How do they get the milk into the baby if the baby is like mine and won't take a bottle? It's great that they at least try to keep the baby on breastmilk though.

Finger feeding, I assume.

[Ruby Pearl]

That must be so time consuming. Thank goodness for dedicated foster parents.

[Mrs Dimples]

Fight the good fight, mama! Best of luck to you and the little one.

[gretasmommy]

Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me . . . . .

A wise person once said this, and it bears remembering whenever we feel the urge to judge another. How could we really know enough in almost any situation to pass judgement?

This little one is lucky to have you! Thanks for sharing in such an eloquent way.

[kama'aina mama]

I will admit that there was a time when that woman coud have been me. I can be pretty smug. The woman who has become my best friend cured me of some of it.

We met when we each had a daughter in preschool together. She also had a babe in arms, who she slinged. One morning at the Pre-K I saw her snuggling babe in sling and giving her a bottle as she drifted off to sleep. I smiled and said something about that sweet milk-coma they get. I was hoping it was her milk in the bottle but it didn't really look like it. She replied, very evenly, "It is sweet, isn't it? But I notice it's not as intense with formula as it was with breastmilk." I said "Oh, really? Why are you giving her formula." (I honestly think my tone was as nuetral as possible... it's such a lodaed issue... but I tried hard not to judge.) She said, "Well, she's a foster child I am adopting." "Oh." I say, "Did you consider re-lactating?" She said, "I would have really loved to, but since I had to emergency wean my first to have a total masectomy for third stage breast cancer it just really wasn't possible."

Well... wow. Rare? Of course. But man o man, did I learn a quick lesson that day. I shut my mouth... I listen. I try so hard to judge. I don't know anyones situation.

[Raven]

Thank you for that gentle reminder to be more thoughtful and less judgmental.

[edamommy]

Did you explain your situation to the person? I don't think the other lady is "wrong" for her reaction. Maybe a bit non-pc, but not wrong in voicing her opinion. Maybe wrong for jumping to conclusions. But, you surely would have made a wonderful positive impact on breastfeeding outside the box by explaining to her your situation. Because MOST moms that have a cart full of formula are NOT in your situation.

[dziejen]

Christine,
I try to be open minded and wonder about a person's situation before I jump to conclusions but it's nice to have a reminder that things are not always what they seem. You should not have to explain or justify to anyone regardless of the situation but I can understand how it hurts to be judged. I was not that person in the store last night but I hope to be that person who offers you or some other mama some nice words no matter what they are buying really soon. Hope your baby is doing well.

[thismama]

Thank you for this post. It is a good reminder to us all to be supportive of each other and remember we are not the experts on another's situation.

[mom2threenurslings]

Thanks for the reminder!

There are so many reasons why someone would be buying formula/bottles...

The most heartbreaking thing happened just a few weeks ago. I was in the supermarket and went down the formula/baby food/film/magazine/office supply aisle. There was a mom with a baby in her sling, tears streaming down her face, looking at a can of formula. I asked if she was ok and she asked for a hug, which I gladly gave her. She was buying formula for the baby ... her sister's baby, just 4 months old. Her sister and brother-in-law were killed in a car accident. The only survivor was the baby, whom this woman had just taken home from the hospital. Her sister had breastfed all of her kids....her sister and herself had been breastfed until they were 4-5 years old. Her youngest child was 7 years old and had weaned over 2 years before. It broke her heart to be buying formula for this baby.....but she was putting formula into a SNS and breastfeeding the baby to the best of her ability, hoping to induce lactation.