Negative phases- what do you do?

[mommyofshmoo]

Hey all,

My dd is generally pretty well behaved, I think. But periodically she has these things I think of as negative phases where she's IMPOSSIBLE. Does anyone else have this experience? And if so, how do you handle it?"

My dh and I have come to understand that her "tough place" only lasts a few days to a week, but it is so hard when it happens! It seems like we spend 3-4 days just fighting and griping within the family.

I try to enforce a "I know you're having a hard time, but it's not OK to take it out on mommy and daddy" rule, but I'm not sure about other stuff.

Should we stay home because it's almost impossible to go anywhere? Should we not see family because it raises my BP to deal with her with the eyes of judgement around? Should we just ignore it and go about business as usual? Should I stop expecting her to share, to be nice, to help with chores? I just don't know!

I'm at a loss.

Funny sidenote- the first time I remember this happening in it's current form I combed the internet for discipline advice, became much more consistent, more firm, etc. and of course she got better. Of course she got her "baby PMS" again like a month later and I realized it had nothing to do with my parenting whatsoever! HaHa.

Well, thanks for whatever advice. I get frustrated because most places that deal with discipline talk about general discipline, and less how to deal with stressful times (like negative phases, airplanes, family visits, etc.)

Look forward to advice!

[Foobar]

We try to work through it.

I give some extra time to go places and I allow her more of a vote on what we do, but I refuse to stay home because Goo's in her mood.....
Does that make sense?

If family gives you the willies during her tough days, then don't go, or you can preface the visit with "DD is having a rough day. Let's give her some slack today"

[Quillian]

Not sure if you've read any of Louise Bates Ames & Frances Ilg's developmental books-Your one year old,Your Two year old etc...to the teen years-she describes periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium about every 6mo or so. The times of disequilibrium can be difficult. When my ds shows a change in behavior I really try to put more time in sorta speak-try not to bring attention to the negative behavior. And when we have the odd spell of just crankies we get out of the house and get physical-works wonders for all of us.

[mommyofshmoo]

My dd's phases seemed to happen like once a month from 22 months to almost 2.5. Then we had a few good months before her last phase last week.

She's always had this thing where she has a developmental spurt/disequalibrium time every other months or so. As an infant it was characterized by bad sleep, as a young toddler by all day whining, and as a two year old by extreme irritability.

I don't think I know anyone else who'se kids go through quite so marked periods of disequalibrium as my dd- but then again a lot of the parents I know are not very attached. Maybe they don't notice as much.

I've been dealing with this so long, you'd think i had it down. It always seems that there comes a point with each round where I end up shouting, "Stop it! Stop it! I just can't take it anymore!!!!!"

I'd like to handle it better.

[Autumnschild]

You describe the periods of growth/disequilibrium quite accurately. My dd is nearly three and has just gone through a growth spurt where she has developed intellectually at an alarming pace and is having a very hard time adjusting. I recall the last time this happened. This time is even harder. We have been staying at home to avoid public meltdowns, but they were getting so bad here, I decided she needed an outing. We went to visit my sister today and when it came time to leave, she stripped her clothes off and demanded a bath. Talking, pleading, reasoning did no good at all and I ended up spending nearly twenty minutes physically fighting to put her clothes back on while my sis looked on in shock.

There doesn't need to be a legit reason. She will go into a full-fledged tantrum over anything at all. And she has been saying that she doesn't love me when I tell her I love her. She is testing her boundaries and needs to know that I love her regardless. This is extremely frustrating and I'm sure many many parents fail with their GD goals about now. Just try not to take it personally and make sure you get breaks when you need them. Let her know that it is okay to feel this way, but the behavior is not acceptable. And that you love her no matter what.

It is a phase and it will pass.

[lilyka]

In our home we do refrain from going out in public when it is just toomuch of a head ache. when they an't be kind and sweeet and such. It is no good for anyone to go out in that sort of state. I have good friends though who will grab my other children and an understanding MIL who wouldn't want her over at her house in a mood anyway. it is consequence enough sometimes for them to choose to snap out it and change thier attitude. Sometimes they just really need a c ouple of days off to regain peace. I am willing to give them that. who doesn't need that occaisionally.

as for around the house I don't care what kind of mood they are in they will speak respectfully to each other, do thier share of the work and behave in an acceptable manner. I pull it together because I have to. I expect the same from them (or at least a good effort.) We all have crabby days and days we wish we could evaporate or kick someone but that doesn't give us liberty to be a butt to others.

[mommyofshmoo]

I'm glad to hear that others have had this experience as well. I know the books describe these phases- but I don't think they do justice to how challenging they can be.

It also sounds like most of us handle it similarly- cutting down on activity, but placing limits on hostile behavior.

Now if I can just keep this all in mind next time it happens!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Yea, not much to add. DC has this as well, only less frequently. One other way of thinking about this is has to do with synchronicity with *you*. I don’t usually just consider DC’s ‘issues’ but mine as well. Often I just pass it off for us being out of sync with each other.