Suggestions needed for young toddler

[bec]

I'm looking for some suggestions on how to deal with my 2nd daughter. She is just about 14 months, and is a pistol! :LOL I love her energy and her persistence. She is much more spirited than my first (whom I always thought of as spirited to begin with).

Anyway, the two girls usually get along fabulously. They obviously love each other immensely and love to play with each other. Just for reference, my first is almost 4.

The problem is how to deal with the young toddler hair pulling, hitting, and pulling on necklaces/hair things. When she does it to me, I can deal with it by simply putting her down for a few moments. Then we model gentle touches (which she does very admirably for her age, imo), and she gets to try again if she wants to be in arms. This is just about the only thing that seems to make an impact on her. She thinks that a firm "no" or any kind of verbal redirection is hilarious. Physical redirection is difficult at best. She doesn't get distracted very easily, either, so offering something else really doesn't do the trick.

What I want advice on is what to do when she does these things to my 4 year old. The best I've come up with so far is to simply remove her from dd1's presence and keep her with me for a few minutes. But I am wondering if that is rewarding the behavior by giving her special attention whenever she does it, kwim? DH is thinking it is time for a time-out, but I really question how effective it will be for a 14 month old. I don't have any real problem with time out, I just don't think it will be effective (she thinks it's a game).

So, any suggestions are welcome.


Bec

[bec]

[septmommy]

Sorry, can't help much because I have a very physical toddler as well and I have not found the answer. The only thing that occasionally works is picking him up and moving him across the house from who over he is hurting. I put him down and walk away. He is not confined so he can come right back and usually he follows right behind me and behaves for at least a while.

[monkey's mom]

Originally Posted by bec

What I want advice on is what to do when she does these things to my 4 year old. The best I've come up with so far is to simply remove her from dd1's presence and keep her with me for a few minutes. But I am wondering if that is rewarding the behavior by giving her special attention whenever she does it, kwim? DH is thinking it is time for a time-out, but I really question how effective it will be for a 14 month old. I don't have any real problem with time out, I just don't think it will be effective (she thinks it's a game).

First of all, don't scare me with this second child being more spirited than the first stuff!! (Yep, due in June and scaaaaaaared!)

But, seriously, I think what you're doing is just right given her age. I doubt she sees it as rewarding b/c you're probably already giving her lots of special attention anyway, kwim?

What does the 4 yr. old say? Might it help for her to be part of the process? Even just saying, "OW! Sister, gentle touch please!" might help.

I'm not a fan of time-outs to begin with, so take my opinion here with a grain of salt, but I think 14 months is much too young. In effect, you are giving her a "time-out" from the inappropriate behavior, so maybe you could point that out to your husband?

Hang in there--the hair pulling and all that stinks! But, it passes.

[Piglet68]

I'm going to hazard a guess, since my two aren't at that age yet. I'm thinking the solution is to get your DD to let you know as soon as the younger one has started with the hitting/pulling etc, and then you come and sit down with them and guide the younger one with gentle touches etc. It's much like I did with DD when we went to toddler playgroups. She wasn't much of a physical child with others, but she did like to take toys at times. Basically I had to do a lot of just being there beside her watching while she played, and stepping in to guide her when she needed. I know you don't want to have to supervise them all the time, but maybe if you just stepped in when things got heated and guided the younger one until the physical urges had passed...then it's not only "un-punitive" but it's also a super model for your four year old. I wouldn't expect her to be mature enough to do that now, but she will be in a few more years.

[cmb123]

I don't that sends the message of "rewarding" her. 14month olds need more attention like that to begin with. Simply removing her and bringing her with you is just a gentle redirection. I think that it does send a good message to dd1 that you are going to protect her from harm.

[Alexander]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

I'm thinking the solution is to get your DD to let you know as soon as the younger one has started with the hitting/pulling etc, and then you come and sit down with them and guide the younger one with gentle touches etc.

Yes. To prevent an escalation in push-shove, letting DD1 that you will reward her notification of any incident is an investment in future smooth relations.

More time around them when they are playing? I mean, specifically setting aside 5 mins solid interactive time per 20 mins (say) to model "good" play.

If she is fixed on something that she insists on, but cannot have (for whatever reason), then I thinks it's back to my old favorites:

1) Blowing rasperries on tummy until...
2) apple slices, (but the variation where they heave to feed each other).

a

[bec]

Thanks! I guess I am doing the right thing. DD2 does get loads of attention.

My dd1 does tell me immediately when dd2 starts doing something (anything). She's definitely reached the "hall monitor" phase of things.

And I am almost always in the same room as they are when they are playing, so am (and do) able to intervene immediately.

DD1 does tell DD2 all the time to use gentle touches and when something hurts. I'm as proud as I can be of her that she doesn't retaliate physically when dd2 comes after her.

It's just that dd2 can be so relentless about it. Redirection is not usually very effective.

*Sigh* Allright, more redirection, removing her from the situation, and CONSTANT VIGILANCE!


Bec

[Alexander]

Hang on a second!

If re-direction is not that effective anymore, then I recommend ending that entirely. I actually am not a great fan of re-direction (I see this as mental slight-of-hand), and there is an age that children realise that.

If your DD2 is at that age, and she notices that you are (not addressing the issue), then you could be alerting her to the feeling that you are not to be trusted. (BTW, I am certain that she'll figure that out eventually, and you'll stop with regrets).

If you think this is the case, what to do? This is a toughy.

If you think she can manage it (14m may be enough) then "draw a line in the sand" with hair pulling any other not nice things.

Otherwise, if you still need to do some re-direction, then it should be for both kids (ie apples for both, tickles for both, hugs for both, 10,000 kisses for both), then anytime she looks round to see if she is being singled out, she'll se it is both kids.

a

[mamaduck]

I also want to chime in a reminder to teach the 4 yo. ways to avoid putting herself at risk. If that is even an issue. I know our older child used to "tempt" the younger one by doing things like -- laying sprawled on the floor with his head an inch from the baby's grasp. Duh. So we had a loose rule that "laying on the floor is a bad idea." And, of course -- when the baby is hurting you -- it is clever to MOVE AWAY from the baby, not just sit their and scream bloody murder. We would still deal with the younger child's behavior, of course. But it minimized the headaches to teach the older one how to play keep-away with his hair and other body parts.

[bec]

When I re-direct, it really isn't trying to trick her into something else. I am up front and say, "You must use gentle touches. Pulling hair isn't gentle. Let's do this instead." Then I try to engage her in something appropriate.

As far as dd1, She does a pretty good job of not presenting herself as a target. But she does have long, tempting hair.

Keep the ideas coming, but, so far, I haven't seen anything that I should really be doing differently.


Bec

[MsMoMpls]

I think the hardest thing about high needs kids is that the plan is working--- it is just really slow. I always think that what works for easy kids, you do three or four times and they get it, with high needs kids, you sometimes have to teach a lesson a few hundred times before it works but we give up after 50 or 60 times- way too soon. I think you need to stick to redirection, gental touch reminders and know that this lesson will come. She won't be pulling hair forever. Patience, patience- mostly with yourself.