Can we talk about and clarify the difference between a postive discipline/AP style of parenting, and outright permissiveness? I know there's a difference, but I find it difficult to explain to other people what the difference is.
Here's the situation: I care for a friend's 3 year old daughter once a week. He has just gone through an ugly divorce, he only has the child three days a week, and he feels really guilty about having to leave her for one of those three days to work. As a consequence of this guilt, he lavishes a lot of material things like books and fancy toys on her, and is really inclined to let her do whatever she wants. He does not really attempt to discipline at all. I think he's anxious that she should like him better than Mommy...
Anyway, the child descends on my house like a hurricane every Monday, and I'm finding it really hard to deal with caring for her plus my own daughter who is 5 months old and moderately high-need. And when I try and set limits for the child, she cries, and then my friend gets mad at me. His point was that "I thought you were AP. I don't think it's right for you to make daughter cry. If she needs something, she should have it, and not have to cry for it."
All of which sounds very AP, yes, but there's a difference between letting a child bang on your expensive piano or smack your 5 month old daughter, because stopping her would make her cry, and letting a child cry alone at night. Don't you think?
I hear about so many AP parents who make themselves absolute doormats for their children, and are then surprised to find themselves exhausted and burnt out, and they don't understand that as parents they have the responsibility to be the adult, and to step in and take charge when necessary. Children NEED limits and guidance just as much as they need love, affection, and attention.
I would really to hear other people's thoughts on this...
Here's the situation: I care for a friend's 3 year old daughter once a week. He has just gone through an ugly divorce, he only has the child three days a week, and he feels really guilty about having to leave her for one of those three days to work. As a consequence of this guilt, he lavishes a lot of material things like books and fancy toys on her, and is really inclined to let her do whatever she wants. He does not really attempt to discipline at all. I think he's anxious that she should like him better than Mommy...
Anyway, the child descends on my house like a hurricane every Monday, and I'm finding it really hard to deal with caring for her plus my own daughter who is 5 months old and moderately high-need. And when I try and set limits for the child, she cries, and then my friend gets mad at me. His point was that "I thought you were AP. I don't think it's right for you to make daughter cry. If she needs something, she should have it, and not have to cry for it."
All of which sounds very AP, yes, but there's a difference between letting a child bang on your expensive piano or smack your 5 month old daughter, because stopping her would make her cry, and letting a child cry alone at night. Don't you think?
I hear about so many AP parents who make themselves absolute doormats for their children, and are then surprised to find themselves exhausted and burnt out, and they don't understand that as parents they have the responsibility to be the adult, and to step in and take charge when necessary. Children NEED limits and guidance just as much as they need love, affection, and attention.
I would really to hear other people's thoughts on this...
) to foster strong connections to their parents. What they need from their parents, in order to grow and develop, is a system which they can understand. In my house, that system is based on Taking Children Seriously. In others, it's based on Gentle Discipline. Whichever way you do things, there is a system and a rationale behind it all which the children will, eventually, come to understand and (hopefully) appreciate.
We TCS as well.
