So much for ever having a homebirth

[Chloe]

Well- I am depressed. I will probably never experience a homebirth. I can't even get dh to let me leave the hospital after 6-8 hours of having the baby. I am sooooo bummed.

I decided that even though I will be having a yucky hospital birth, I was going to be positive that it will be a great experience. The baby will come out healthy, I can labor, my body jknows what to do, and I have wonderful midwives. I can do it!!!! I will stay at home as long as I can. I was hoping he'd let me leave! He says that because my mom has a history of miscarriages, that I will be staying for 24 hours. ugh. what does that have to do with anything?? I have boring, good pregnancies. I had one good birth, and praying that this one will be the same.


Just wanted some sympathy

sad me...

[Ravenmoon]

That must be very difficult for you.If it is important to you to have a homebirth then have your dh meet with some midwives and some other homebirthing families.You are the one giving birth.I was thankful that my dh and sister were homebirthed so he fully supported me in my three wonderful homebirths.Hugs for you sweetie.

[Chloe]

Thank you

What was most upsetting was that he said it wasn't open for debate So, I guess that means since he won't let me leave the hospital before 24 hrs, even if we are all fine, there is NO chance of a homebirth. Funny thing is, I am healthy, I don't smoke, I meet all the criteria for being a good candidate for homebirth. Argh- I thought he would at least say it was ok for me to leave if they released me and the baby!

I was going to try a birthing center, but I don't even know that that is an option now. I cried last night over this.

[Arduinna]

I'm really sorry that your dh isn't supportive of home birth. Especially since it sounds like it's what you want.

one question, and you don't have do answer if you don't want. Why does he (who is not giving birth hinself) get to decide?

[luvinlivin]

Chloe, I'm so sorry you have this unfair pressure from your DH. He needs to get it together, IMO, and support you in this sacred time as a pregnant mama.

I just posted this on another thread in Parents as Partners regarding the idea of our partners 'letting' us do this or that:

"And I've been there with my DH. At 4 mths pregnant I could have said 'he won't let me birth at home!' At 7 mths I could have whined, 'he won't let me birth at home without a doctor there!' At 8 mths I could have complained, 'he won't let me birth without monitoring!' At 9 mths I could have cried, 'he won't let us have a Lotus birth!'

But I didn't take that position. Instead, I affirmed that it was me giving birth, I only wanted the absolute safest birth for me and my baby and he could trust that. If he didn't trust that, then we had severe marital problems beyond the specific birth issues.

I birthed at home, no monitoring, had a Lotus birth and my DH is super grateful I didn't cave to his fears and protestations. He sees the birth we had as the highlight of his life and it brought us together as a couple more than anything else so far.

I believe women need to stand strong and not succumb to the victim stance of someone not 'letting' them do something that is in their heart to do.

I know I contexed this in terms of pregnancy and birthing but that is the most relevant thing I have to contribute. And where I see the majority of women being passive and seeing their world in terms of 'let'."


I encourage you, Chloe, to find the strength of your voice with your DH and pursue (didn't say 'fight' hope it doesn't come to that) the birth your heart desires.

You have only one opportunity with this birth and I would hope that it is a birth filled with fulfillment of your dreams during pregnancy and no regrets. If you birth for your DH, I guarantee that you will be off-center and that is the last position a birthing woman needs to be in.

Strength be with you! You are going to need it.

[indigolilybear]

well said luvinlivin. i was thinking the same thing reading your post chloe. that you keep saying your ds is not "letting" you. now i don't necessaarily think that you shouldn't go to a hospital but i think you DO need to hash out your fears together and come to a decision *together*!!! this needs to be resolved IMHO. and come to *claim* your decision as a couple, no matter what it is.

language is VERY important, as choosing *not* to be a victim. this can be a blessing in disguise....it could help BOTH of you work through fears that you have surrounding this area. look at it as a boon!

[simonee]

ditto all the responses.

your dh is not in a position to "let" you birth. you birth. You "let" him be present, and he should be happy about that.

Anyway, his excuse sounds very weak. What's your mom's history of miscarriage? What does that have to do with you giving birth? Has she had stillborn babies? That would have been okay if they'd been born in hospitals? And was that for genetic reasons?And your mom didn't birth you? And you didn't birth Keiran?

Sounds to me that dh needs to inform himself a little about gestation and birthing. Maybe you can help him?

[Greaseball]

It doesn't make sense that because your mom had miscarriages, you would have to stay in the hospital for 24 hours. If the baby and you are healthy, your mom's past shouldn't matter.

My mom had a few miscarriages before she had me, including an ectopic pregnancy that almost killed her. It is not hereditary and I've never had a m/c.

[khrisday]

Your DH doesn't have to "let" you do anything. If you want to leave the hospital and they have released you, (and trust me, as soon as they release you they are going to want you GONE and without your doctor giving them a reason that you need to stay they will be pushing out the door most places) call a friend or relative to come pick you up and leave. I can't understand why you are allowing your husband to make a decision for you, and I am not trying to be rude, but I truly don't understand.

[Chi-Chi Mama]

(((((hugs)))))

this is a tough situation..

i completely agree with all of the above posters...

but i can understand how hard this must be... my dad was/is very much like that. even now, with me, he still thinks he knows everything. he lectures me on b-feeding, co-sleeping, baby's food, etc.

sometimes i wonder how my mom made it to their recent 25 -year anniversary. he's in control of everything... from talking to her, she feels like she didn't object early on when he would say "we're doing it this way, end of discussion" and it just got worse over the years. he is a wonderful, kind, and loving husband/father/grandfather for the most part, so i guess my mom just 'deals' with the other side of it.

i hope this issue does not cause big problems between you and your husband. but not only is he denying you the birth that you, the birthing mother wish for, he might also be starting a pattern that you would not be able to break very easily later on. (ok, hope that made sense...)

this was asked already i think, but why is it not up for discussion? has he seen studies that birthing outside the hospital is safer?

anyway, best of luck to you and your family!!!

[candiland]

http://www.gentlebirth.org/ronnie/homejjg.html

Check out this link. It's interesting! Maybe your honey can read it, as well.

[sassytapped]

I can empathize with your situation. I too am in my 2nd pregnancy. My first went very well and labor and delivery were quick and easy 4hours and 4 pushes. I was/ am very confident in my body's ability to do what it needs to and my ability to listen to what it's telling me. My first delivery was in the hospital (at dh's insistence) and I found the MD and nurses intrusive. I was told to roll over repeatedly in spite of the fact that everything in me was telling me to be on my knees and leaning forward, and yI was yelled at to push out of the rythms my body was telling me were the right ones for pushing. I am stubborn and refused to listen to the doctors and nurses until dh said that "maybe you should listen to them" He looked so scared -- more of me not doing what they said than of what was going on, I think. As soon as I rolled over I started tearing and the doctor performed an episiotomy.
This time I would love to home birth, but dh gets pale and nearly weepy at the thought. He knows it is irrational. His brain knows that I am capable of birthing this baby on my own, but he is absolutely terrified of the thought. He had a dream before he ever even met me that his wife died in childbirth from hemmorhaging. It completely tramatized him. He is more afraid of me birthing at home than I am of birthing in the hospital so I am letting him dictate this decision. Part of me feels like I amgiving in and that it's not for him to say, but more of me just loves him and wants to make him happy and wants this birth to be wonderful for both of us. So this baby will be born in the hospital because dh won't "let" it be any other way.

[Greaseball]

More thoughts on "won't LET me"

T
I understand that women in this society are not traditionally raised to stand up for themselves and question men, but I too get frustrated when I hear women say things like "My doctor won't LET me give birth without an episiotomy" or "They won't LET me refuse pitocin." I mean, if I were in that position and truly thought my doctor would hold me down and force me to submit to drugs or cutting, I would not go near that hospital, or to another prenatal appointment for that matter. But I know that many women are not comfortable with giving birth at home.

However, most doctors probably do not hold their patients down and inject or cut them. (Although I'm not surprised when someone tells me that hers did...) So these women are saying that their doctor is MAKING them agree to pitocin or whatever, and then giving their consent because they just can't find it in themselves to say "No, I won't do it." They will not kick you out of the hospital just because you didn't do what they said!

Of course, this is just me and I won't know what it's like for anyone else. I think it only bothers me when I hear it from other women because I can remember a time when I would never have dreamed of questioning a man.

[Eman'smom]

First off I agree with everyone else, it is your body.

That said, if you are going to have a hospital birth, plan for it and look at the up side.

First off I'd come up with a detailed birth plan, both about what you want and what you don't. Make sure your Dr. and Dh understand that and agree to follow it.

Second, enjoy your hospital stay. I know this sounds stupid but I really enjoyed food just "appearing" three times a day. I had the nurses station hold all calls, so the phone didn't ring.

Also and for me the most important, I had major nursing problems in the beginning and the hospital had two LC's on 24 hour call. One (or both) of them was in my room (at my request) every 2 hours for a feeding. In the begining it took 3 sets of hands to get Ds to nurse.

It might not be your ideal (and I do think you should work for a HB if that is what you want) but look at the positives and work through the bad stuff.

[Chi-Chi Mama]

i think Eman'smom made a very good point..

if you do end up going the hospital route, plan for it.

and make several copies of the birth plan, i have heard so many stories of birth plans 'getting lost'

[Kirsten]

I can understand Sarah's situation - her husband seems (if even irrationally) truly petrified that his wife will die. Sounds like they have talked about it at length and she is going along with his wishes in order to soothe his fears. I am sad that she doesn't get to have the birth she dreams of, but not the same feeling as Chloe's situation.
Chloe, I too (like everyone else on this thread so far it seems) cannot understand why you are giving up your power to your husband in an area that is clearly about you. I understand that you are having his baby so he gets a say too. But to refuse to even discuss it??? I would worry about the longevity of the marriage if he has an attitude like that. After years and years of that, anyone would reach the breaking point.
First time we got pregnant, I said I wanted to see a midwife (in hospital). Dh shakes his head, "no, it isn't safe - I'm gonna have to put my foot down on this one" (I usually get my way...) But he listened to my reasons and agreed to go see the midwife practice. He agreed to a midwife in the hospital as I felt so strongly. After taking Bradley classes, he thought he could catch the baby if need be (and four years later with dd2, he did!) When pregnant the second time, I said I wanted midwife out of hospital birth. Again, he is not comfortable (much of this is due to what society tells us, not the facts of what is actually safe and best for mom and baby) but we discuss it calmly and he agrees to go see the birth center and meet those midwives. After doing this, he agrees. We had the most beautiful birth there! And we agree that we would not do a hospital birth again unless we were high risk. I am hoping to talk him into homebirth next time - and I think it is doable.
Do you have any friends who had births like you want? Could their husbands talk to yours to ease his fears from a man's standpoint?
Good luck to you! I hope he sees the light. Oh, and I forgot to mention counseling. Sounds like it would be helpful. You are in a marriage, not a dictatorship.
Kirsten

[Mommy2ZaGirls]

If it isn't "up for discussion" than tell him that you are doing it your way.

It is your body that has to do the birthing. You are the one who needs to feel comfortable. It is great and truly wonderful if he is on board though.

My husband was dead-set against a homebirth with our second child. Yelling, big fights, irrational thoughts, legitamate concerns, etc.!

I made an appointment with the midwife & it was a 45-minute drive so I brought along all of my research, highlighted, with all of the information regarding home birth being as safe or safer than hospital birth (with better outcomes), and read it to him as we drove.

Then, he met our midwife. He felt safe and comfortable with her and that was it. I pummeled him w/the science, she demonstrated how our first child's birth was mismanaged and why she was injured and how that could be handled better at home. She calmed him but didn't sugar coat it and guarantee him that the birth was going to be this or that. She said that her job was to plan a homebirth and work to determine red flags to try to keep the birth at home through preventative measures. He was the one convincing me when I had to make a decision!

He was ecstatic the day she was born. He ran around telling everyone how "easy" it all was. He told me that he couldn't imagine having another baby in the hospital and talked to his really conservative co-workers about homebirth.

We've just had our third child, at home, in another state, with different midwives. He was the one when we were looking for a house, wondering if we should find a homebirth midwife before we bought a house so that we knew we could find one in our area!

[Greaseball]

Also, I thought for sure I would want to leave the hospital right after birth but I enjoyed the "mandatory" 48 hour stay. Maid service, free food for dh and I, a private room that dh could stay in whenever he wanted, and of course "full rooming-in" with dd. Oh yeah, and free video rental, cable, long distance, etc.

[hawleyclan]

Was that a hospital... or a hotel?!!

My husband had to sneak in to stay with me in the room, and my fancy after baby meal- which I had to wait until morning for- did not include a plate for him... I had trouble sleeping with the nurses in and out pressing on my belly and checking on my vitals, or the baby. They must have come in and out 4 or 5 times over the night. We also had to use a phone card to call family to announce the baby... but we figured on that and had a pocket full... I even had to ask for shampoo and soap the next morning for a shower...!

If I ever have to stay at a hospital again- hope not-... I want a full-service 4 star hospital like yours!!

The Lord bless you!
Zoie

[miriam]

dh won't let me have a hb

DEar Chloe:

Dittos to all of the previous messages.

Add: This is only the beginning. You give birth in one day (hopefully). You have to parent your new baby w/ dh for a long time after. You have alot of decisions to make after the baby's birth day. Bf'ing, vaxing or no-vaxing, pediatricians, circing or no-circing, schools, religions, clothes, sports, college, etc.

I hope your birth is joyous wherever it is. I pray that your baby is healthy and beautiful.

The very best to you. May you have the strength to do what you have to do.

I pray that your dh learns to trust your abilities as a mother.