My 4 yr. old DD (white) said to me, "I don't like to talk to black people." (!?!!)

[3girls1boy]

I instantly felt like I had failed as a parent,

We live in an integrated neighborhood and the girls go to an integrated school. We have always gone to a playgroup in our area that is attended by black, white, Hispanic, and Asian people. I admit that my closest friends are white.

I have noticed that the girls at my kids school especially seem to break up into cliques along racial lines and all of my oldest DD's best friends (she is 10) are white, although the boys that have been her friends through the years have mostly been black.

My youngest is just starting at this school and she is having a hard time adjusting and has trouble making friends in general, but still I was flabbergasted when she came out with this comment. (She had told me she had been playing in the housekeeping area with 2 black girls and I asked her what their names were. She didn't know, so I said, "Next time you play with them, you should find out their names." and then she said, "I don't like to talk to black people.") Well, she wouldn't tell me why and I went on about how everyone is the same inside, what matters is if they are nice, blah, blah, blah. Later, I told my 7 yr. old daughter and said, "Tell your sister that all kids are the same on the inside," etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.

Anyway what would you have said?

[Maribel]

I think you handled it as best you could. I'd be pretty shocked too. Maybe she's heard something in school from other kids. I don't know, I'm just trying to understand why and where a child gets these ideas. Especially if, as you explain, she's been exposed to different nationalities and types of people. One of the things I always try to do with DD is to acknowledge different kids at school of different nationalities and point out their beauty. You know what I mean? This way she sees that there are different types of beauty and not just the blonde, blue eyes, etc. that is obvious and always portrayed.

[JessicaS]

Were those girls mean to her?? I would wonder about the clique thing.

This isn't something that is inherent..something must have happened...

[Missgrl]

Moving this to "the childhood years" for ya!

[lilyka]

Something must have triggered these feelings. I would say find out why she doesn't like to talk to black girls. Try to be as nonchalont as possible. Were ther some girls of color who said something mean to her which led her to believe they were all that way? Maybe there is some little racist in her class who told her she should feel this way. Maybe it is the way the big kids act. I am sure she has noticed that everyone stays with thier own group and what little kid doesn't want to be like the big kids. What ever it is once you get to the bottom of why she feels this way it will be much easier to clear up any misconceptions she has.

[yoga]

This is perhaps not gonna be well-recieved, but...

If she doesn't talk abt the situation w/you, let it go. I know you don't want your daughter to be racist or look down on ppl for any reason, but maybe this isn't abt negativity. It's possible that your daughter just feels shy around black ppl, or that she's going thru a stage and it will pass. I don't think that trying to force your feelings on her or trying to get her to understand that we're all the same will necessarily change anything. Because the fact is, we're not all the same, and I think that is made very clear to kids in school.

And, maybe, she doesn't like black ppl. And she's entitled to like who she likes and dislike who she dislikes.

Of course, I don't know your family and all the ins and outs of your life, but this is just my opinion. I mean, my son once told me he didn't like white ppl (we're black). I asked him why. He didn't have an answer (he was 3), and I told him that he likes plenty of white ppl and let it go. Now, I'm not saying my situation compares to yours, I'm just trying to relay that I understand the feeling of, "Did I mess up somewhere w/ this kid? What did s/he just say?"

[EnviroBecca]

I've had a lot of interesting discussions about childhood racial attitudes w/MrBecca, who is white and attended a 93% black (we counted faces in his yearbook) school from K-8. Despite the much greater number of black kids in the pool of potential friends, only 2 of his dozen or so close friends over the course of his childhood were black, and he can point out only about 10 black kids out of >100 in the yearbook whom he liked at all, whereas he has fond memories of all but 2 of the 19 white or Asian kids. Why? Well, the white kids lived in his neighborhood, had similar homes and similar families, and tended to be smart and academically oriented, so they had things in common. The black kids lived on the other side of the busy street (harder to stop by their houses), in smaller less pleasant houses, were more average in intelligence (the ones who were his friends were the smartest ones) and inclined to make fun of "brainiacs", and were into sports (MrBecca thinks sports are inane). On top of that, because of the black majority, the school's dominant culture and perception of "coolness" was based on what was currently popular among blacks; MrBecca not only looked wrong but walked wrong, talked wrong, had no "soul" IYKWIM. Like a misfit kid in any school, he was picked on by the popular kids, who were all black, and due to the culture clash the kind of teasing they thought was acceptable was horrifying to him. So, he has spent his whole life fighting the bias that black people are (a) less intelligent and more rude and violent, and (b) cooler than he can ever hope to be.

My guess is that 3girls1boy's daughter has had just enough bad experiences w/black kids that she's formed a bias. While it's good to tell her that all people are the same on the inside, that's probably not the way it seems to her. (I think it's more likely that her bias is based on experiences than on a judgment about appearance, tho the possibility of some other kid telling her, "We don't like black people." is plausible too.) If you can figure out WHY she doesn't like to talk to black people, then deal w/that, e.g. if she feels they are too assertive, talk about how she could assert herself. Oh, and when you and she together have a positive encounter with a black person, comment on it briefly ("I liked that man who mixed our paint. He's a good helper.") but don't mention race--maybe she'll realize that nice people come in all colors.

[Momof4]

I sort of agree with Chaka Falls a little. This may not be about race at all. This may be about a bad expeience with 2 girls that just happened to be of color. At 4 your dd could just have easily said, I don't like playing with blondes or girls who wear pants, etc. And at this age, their friendships are very fluid. Next week she may love these girls. I think you did the right thing by pointing out that whatever her reasons, it wasn't the person's color that made it that way. Also I agree about commenting subtly on a good experience with a black person. When my dd went to kindergarten she suddenly was in a mixed atmosphere (she had gone to a jewish preschool) and it took a while for her to figure out that it wasn't a person's religion or race that makes them who they are. Children are also fascinated with similarities and differences at this age too.

[3girls1boy]

Thanks for your replies.

I really don't think that she had a bad experience with these girls. She is very shy in general and has a hard time talking to anyone that she hasn't know since before she can remember. I have decided just to let it go at this point. She did tell me she was playing the other day with a particular little girl who I suspect is African American because of her name. I will have to ask her to point her out to me next time I am at school.

One funny thing, when she made her initial comment to me, was that I said, "Well you like to talk to Jordan." Jordan is her cousin's son. Jordan's mom (my children's cousin) is white and his dad is black. I don't think it had ever occurred to my DD that Jordan was African American (although in truth, he is African-European-American!)