Am I not CLEAR with my boundary????!!!!!

[shewolf]

When will they get it through their head???? I 've been preaching that "this too shall pass" and "it gets better" Well, I don't know if I believe myself or not!!!Lately it feels like its getting worse. It used to be colic---now its me chasing after two soon to be 4 yr olds and a 2 1/2 yr old. No, let me rephrase that. I'm climbing a 5 ft chain link fence after them!!!!! I'm getting soooo angry!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm even starting to vent it at them. I appologize immediately and tell them my anger is not about them and it doesnt belong to them. I just feel so terrible when I do this. Do I need to make a 10 ft brick wall instead??

They've went through phases w/this. I've told them it's not safe for them to go out of the yard w/out me or daddy. When they do it I bring them in the house and I do the thing where I let them decide if they're ready to go back out and stay off the fence and in the yard. Then as soon as I come in to go to the bathroom or get a drink or something, they head for the fence to go to our neighbors house. I wouldn't mind so much but our neighboors next to us are elderly and the ones behind us don't have a fence around their place. Plus, they are so violent (verbally & physically) with their children & grandchildren. I don't like our children being around that or the other children b/c they are so rough--they want to fight (fist) and say hurtful things to our children if they cry or just b/c. It's only 10 AM and I've been over the fence twice. You'd think I'd be full of muscles by now instead of cellulite.

So, if anybody has some other gentle discipline ideas for dealing with this, PLEASE REPLY!!!!! And it would also be good to hear someone say it does get better--and I also would like to know do they cognitively change w/age or is it just an "I'll show you thing" right now??

Another thing I want to add is I feel so stupid b/c these neighboors handle these situations w/violent threats, etc. and they here & see me the way I approach it and those old voices come in there saying "beat their !@#!#!!!!!! I feel like I'm not setting good enough boundaries around this issue.

[lilyka]

Rather than lettin them choose when they are ready to go back outside maybe you should decide. FOr instance if they go over the fence they will be inside for the rest of the day. or if they can't be trusted outside alone they will have to come inside with you when you need to go inside.

Another option is privecy fence. Slick and unclimbable, can't see the temptations beyond and you aren't stuck with seeing the ickiness your neighbors display .

I owuld like to say it gets better with time but dd is 6 and still shows no signs of ending her frustrating behaviors (has a thing for cutting her hair the girl has sicssor radar). Hopefully soon though My 2 year old on theother hand is fairly agreeable and well behaved. Go figure.

[shewolf]

Yes, I have been the one to make the choice too. And the option w/a privacy fence is just too expensive. We have 2 acres and I have even thought about privacy fence for part of the yard only. The only thing w/that is we're selling our place to relocate b/c we don't have any positive support or help in our area. They've not went back over the fence yet today b/c I was the choice maker. I also know they are yearning for playmates just as I am yearning for supportive mothers and fathers (families). So, I guess I'll just have to keep trying and hope one day things will be different, as they develope. When they see me coming for them if they are getting ready to go over and I ask them to get down they will sometimes get down b/c I believe they are learning the consequences--but sometimes the temptation is too great for them I guess. I'm just getting tired of repeating myself (a constant thing on a daily basis--I may as well surrender to that since that is a normal thing w/children.

Thanks for the input. I guess in a way we're all in the same boat in some way or another.

Oh- when I was little I used to cut my hair all the time too. And then I became a beautician!!!!

[LizD]

But your anger *is* about them. It's ok to be angry with your children!I think we need to apologize when we snap at them but are truly upset about the mailman, or the husband, or not getting phish tickets.

But when you are angry because your rules/requests are not honored or obeyed, it's ok to let your children know that in a healthy way. "I am very angry because you are not doing as I asked!" If your apology immediately follows the reprimand, this could indeed be confusing to the children. I agree that it should be more strongly followed up with "no, you may not play outdoors again today, because you climbed the fence again." Or even, they can play outside but must all come in with you when you need a drink or need to use the toilet, because you can't yet believe they will listen when you aren't there. Children this young (4) really can't be expected to judge when they are ready to obey your instructions. I am not one for punishments- they shouldn't have to sit in a chair or anything! -but there are some areas, such as safety, in which a parent must have 100% compliance.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is an excellent book I can't recommend enough.

[Meiri]

I was going to recommend that book!!

I found it immensely helpful, and yes you will feel like a broken record for years. Get used to it(joke about it even) and keep being as consistant as you can with the consequences.

[khrisday]

Yes, that is a great book. ANother one thst is helping me a lot is Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline. It has a very zen attitude, tells you to acccept that the moment just is, then move on.

[shewolf]

Hey mama's---Thanks so much for the referral of How to talk..... and I also got Sibling Rivalry--especially helpful for the twin boys. Things are going great now. And just since I got the frustration verbalized to some ADULTS, especially mothers, the negative energy has change immensley. It's incredible how spirit works. I've also ordered The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears and I'm going to order Raising your Spirited Child b/c one of the twins is sooooo spirited--and I've glanced at this book many times in the book store. But, just since I've started w/these discussions w/ya'll I have seen so many reccommendations for that book. I don't believe in labeling children and I also know that all children are unique--even the spirited ones--so, all the information I can get is so important to me.

I rode around there a little--I am being consistent w/my boundaries and it's going great--what a gratifying job.

So, again, many thanks and bright blessings