Scottish mom's feeling "forced" to nurse

[A&L+1]

Interesting news item here:

http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=149722005

I am very interested in how to promote breastfeeding without making women feel guilty, defensive, and hostile thereby doing a diservice to the cause. I have recently read a few 'chic lit' books that refer to "breastfeeding nazis" or other characterizations of pro-breastfeeding advocates as militant. I would really like to understand the backlash to the promotion of breastfeeding.

Any thoughts?

[velcromom]

I believe that guilt is what you feel when your actions conflict with your values.

I think that is true on the issue of breastfeeding and anything else in life.

People will do and say a lot of things to try to disregard or deny that there is a conflict within themselves. It's always easier to blame an outside source than it is to look within. People who have already decided to formula feed out of choice alone apparently hate to be reminded, let alone told outright, that they should not choose a fourth rate food for their child when they could choose one that is not only free but will reduce the child's risk of death and disease. They know it's not as good. They don't want to be reminded or told that. No one wants to feel the guilt so they get angry and take it out on whatever reminded them that they could do better but won't or didn't.


They forget that guilt is a normal, appropriate part of the spectrum of human emotion. It has a place in our lives by signaling us when our behavior does not support our values. We are not supposed to feel good or happy about doing something we don't believe in. I think it's unhelpful to try to avoid causing guilt in another person, when it is an appropriate response to not doing your best and anyhow is not caused by the actions of others but our own actions.

It seems they also forget or ignore that guilt doesn't come from an outside source, it is generated within us in response to the conflict of action vs. values. Another person cannot create guilt within you, they can only remind you of its presence.

If you feel guilt over a circumstance that you cannot now change, it is not the fault of any outside source that you continue to experience guilty feelings, it is your responsibility to work past it and learn from the experience how to bring your behavior into harmony with your values.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Breastfeeding is the natural continuation of the birthing process. Human babies are born too soon so that they will be able to fit out. Breastmilk provides for optimal brain growth and is the perfect food for human babies. Formula, modified cow's milk or soy milk, is a poor substitute. Yes, babies will grow well with formula made from cow's milk just like cow babies grow well with cow milk. Human milk is a living fluid that changes to meet the baby's changing needs and will never be able to be duplicated.

Breastfeeding is best for babies, mothers, families, communities, and society. It is one of the most important things you will ever do for your baby and for yourself.

[TigerTail]

bah to the article. 'political pressure'. poor ffers-by-choice. bah. so your baby wasn't worth more than two days of effort? you know, i'm tired of people pressuring me to change my baby's diaper. it's my choice to leave him sitting in his own feces. they need to stop laying on the guilt. bad, bad nurses & midwives.

bah.

suse

[A&L+1]

Velcromom - hmmmm, I really agree with your point about guilt being about not living within your own values. When I wrote the OP I almost added that I think that women who ff-by-choice have a good reason for feeling guilty since they are not doing what they know is best for their babies. What stopped me was that I really do think there is a real challenge for public policy folks and public health officials to send a unapologetic pro-BFing message without tapping into the guilt and anger of ff-by-choice moms.

And Suseyblue, I don't mean to suggest that we should bend over for the ff-by-choice moms.

Maybe this is related to velromom's NIP project - http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...d.php?t=210911 - Despite the obvious benefits of breastfeeding our culture makes it so that it is easier to FF. The reality is that even in liberal San Francisco bay area, California I am regularly asked, "So, how long do you plan on doing that?" As she gets older, and mind you she's only 8 months, the questions are more pointed and frequent. So, perhaps my real question is how do we create a culture where it is easier to BF given that even health officials are being intimidated by a backlash?

[annettemarie]

I feel bullied into putting my kids in carseats!
I feel bullied when I see a "friends don't let friends drive drunk" commercial. Why is it my responsibility?
I feel bullied when I see those pictures of an unborn baby smoking a cigarette- why should I have to quit smoking just because I'm pregnant?

Wah.



FTR- I don't smoke, my kids are in car seats, and I wouldn't let anyone drive drunk if I could help it. BUT we use guilt all the time, when appropriate. This notion that it shouldn't apply only in this particular area of child rearing is, IMHO, a load of crap.
Annette

[BlueStateMama]

[ewp11100]

nak
right on annettemarie & suseyblue

[A&L+1]

Yes, yes, I get that and I agree. I should edit my OP because I really am not saying that I want to protect the feelings of the moms who don't nurse. I just want to understand why there is such a negative connotation to the movement to get women to nurse. We don't see the backlash and hostility toward car seats, anti-smoking while pregnant, anti-drunk driving advocates like we do toward BF advocates - even though there are plenty of people who don't use car seats, smoke while pregnant, and drink and drive...none of those campaigns are being called "nazis." Why is this such a hot issue?

[annettemarie]

Because people don't want to feel bad and it hits them where they live.

Because they know that breastfeeding is best, and choose to give their child less-than-the-best.

Because they know they have put their own personal convenience above the health and well-being of their child.

And, for the record I am absolutely not talking about
- women for whom breastfeeding is a physical impossibility
- women with babies for whom breastfeeding is a physical impossibility
- women for whom breastfeeding would honestly be an emotional trainwreck
- women who have not succeeded at breastfeeding due to stupid advice
And I don't feel women need to move heaven and earth in order to breastfeed. But darn it, if it's best for your babe, can't you at least TRY?

BUT for the rest of them, they have made the choice and they feel like crap about it. Guilt is anger turned inwards.
They aren't going to be upset with themselves, so they shoot the messenger, so to speak

Obviously this is not the tact I would take in real life, but here on the breastfeeding advocacy board I will say it.

Women feel guilty about formula feeding by choice because they know in their hearts they made a poor decision.

[Meiri]

Cry me a river.

See the sigline.

Can't stand the facts and that you chose differently in defiance of them? Then make the wise choice next time.

There was a good essay online a long while back pointing out that we as a society have no problem making people feel guilty about all kinds of things. As previously asked, why should baby feeding get a pass. Facts are facts.

[Meiri]

As for that bs about "breastfeeding nazis", I want to know where the camps are that these ffers are being imprisoned in, made to do forced labor, and being gassed to death.

To say that that label is an offensive lie is the understatement of the decade.

[annettemarie]

Was the essay by Kathy Detweiler? She is awesome. She spoke at a LLL conference here two years ago, and gave an awesome keynote speech called "Promoting Breastfeeding, Promoting Guilt." She described how doctors just flat-out refused to acknowledge that breastfeeding reduced the risk of SIDS (or, more acurately, formula feeding increases the risk of SIDS) despite overwhelming medical evidence. Finally, one doc told her "I would never tell a woman that formula fed babies are more likely to die of SIDS because IF she chose to formula and IF the baby would die of SIDS, she would feel guilty."

THERE WAS MORE CONCERN ABOUT THE GUILT OF A MOTHER IN A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION THAN FOR THE VERY REAL HEALTH OF THE BABY!!!

Yeah, I'm screaming.


But I don't feel guilty.

[annettemarie]

OK, here's a real question.

I have absolutely nothing to gain by advocating breastfeeing. Nothing. I do it out of a deep love for children and their mamas.

The formula pushers have EVERYTHING to gain by turning mothers away from breastfeeding.

So why am I the bad guy?

[annettemarie]

DOUBLE POST

[annettemarie]

TRIPLE POST

[MommytoTwo]

why there is such a negative connotation to the movement to get women to nurse

There was a thread a few days ago about someone who went up to a woman who was bottle feeding her neice or nephew and made some rude comments. I assume those are the comments that get a negative view from people. And indeed the things she said were completely rude. However, I personally did not get any negative comments when I was bottle feeding DS, and I get way more now that I am breastfeeding my daughter, so I dont know where all these so called militant breastfeeders are.... none around here I can tell you that! I personally feel the best way for me to be a BFing advocate is to just NIP.


Editing to add:

We don't see the backlash and hostility toward car seats, anti-smoking while pregnant, anti-drunk driving advocates like we do toward BF advocates

Well one thing is that it is illegal to drive drunk or without a carseat, but I think people just think that formula IS just as good, or close enough. We have a whole generation that had formula and plenty turned out "just fine" so why not use it. I think thats how people see it.

[MamaPear]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Because people don't want to feel bad and it hits them where they live.

Because they know that breastfeeding is best, and choose to give their child less-than-the-best.

Because they know they have put their own personal convenience above the health and well-being of their child.

And, for the record I am absolutely not talking about
- women for whom breastfeeding is a physical impossibility
- women with babies for whom breastfeeding is a physical impossibility
- women for whom breastfeeding would honestly be an emotional trainwreck
- women who have not succeeded at breastfeeding due to stupid advice
And I don't feel women need to move heaven and earth in order to breastfeed. But darn it, if it's best for your babe, can't you at least TRY?

BUT for the rest of them, they have made the choice and they feel like crap about it. Guilt is anger turned inwards.
They aren't going to be upset with themselves, so they shoot the messenger, so to speak

Obviously this is not the tact I would take in real life, but here on the breastfeeding advocacy board I will say it.

Women feel guilty about formula feeding by choice because they know in their hearts they made a poor decision.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[annettemarie]

Well, darn, I was expecting to come here this morning to flames.

Annette

[Peppamint]

I really can't say more than what's already been said.

And I agree with Meiri, I find the Nazi term extremely offensive. Their own guilt cannot be squelched by calling us names.

PS- I feel awful when I read comments about circ'ing. My ds was circ'd and it was a horrible thing because my dh and I were at odds over the whole thing. Sometimes my feelings get hurt, but I understand that it's not a personal attack- moms are just speaking out against something that's unnecessary and obviously well overused. It's my own feelings that make me feel bad.