thanks so much for replying. I was feeling terribly alone. MDC is the only place i go that i have any connection. I have been checking out the links <Birthjunky> thankyou- i found those links recently from another post by you somewhere, where was it?
I figured the many many thoughts and analyzation was obsession. and "normal " huh?
Rowantree: I will let my dh know about the Kay jamison book. If you do have a copy, i'd love to check it out.
He is really a keeper,, a sweetheart. I drive him absolutley nuts and he continues to put up with me. It is very strange how things are coming out lately. I've always seen similarities between myself and his brother and even to the point of realizing he was "primed' for me/my behaviors by putting up with his brother.... well, his brother has always been bipolar and now more of this is making sense.
MsMoPls> I've been careful of what i eat, have been very aware of diet/nutrition for some time. I take supplements and chinese herbs. I exercise and have always(even when very young) benefited from it in a holistic way. The thing that gets me is being consistent. I've been trying to for a long time... I hope now, i will finally see just how important it really really can be for me. As for relationships,, well i suck at them. I have realized the defect, if you will, Yet continue to struggle so much there. My anger is another factor. If i could have the proverbial "change one thing about yourself" it would be my anger and exression of it.
This Is all so overwhelming. I feel like: "can i do this? Can i take It? do I want to even try? Im just feeling so tired of the struggle. Maybe the struggle has been getting here. -To a point where I see I have the choice to continue to hurt or take charge- as MsMoMpls put it.
Arwyn: My understanding has come from myself actually- They told me what they saw and Im labeling it. I said to the therapist after he said he is "seeing" mania in what i describe: "you mean, like bipolar?" He said yes.
They started me on depakote. Im already on 150mg. effexor for depression and anxiety. I think i have been not able to really say what happens for me a lot of the time. I'm remebering a time when i flipped on my very close friend out of insecurity issues and later was told by someone who witnessed this that i "went for the jugular" -- I thought that was stemming from my very disfunctional and violent upbringing. I've always viewed my issues as behavoiral and conditioning. Can being so extreme in behavior such as that be BP?--- or am I really a big mess both conditionally and organically?
I feel a lot of hopelessness now. I am understanding why so many get suicidal. I've had a lot of thoughts about it, but not the will to go so far.
Okay, so how do you raise two kids like this? I hate being a whacked mom.
I hope it will get better as we continue working on the meds and all, but right now I have a lot of pain in seeing myself be so volatile and emotional. My mom is/was always up and down. She was never diagnosed, but i always thought it was BP. I've wanted for so long to escape my past, be different... but it continues to haunt me. I cant seem to love it,,, you know, like embrace it. I guess maybe i need a book on that.
Please stay with me. I need support. really.