Mama-Led Weaning Support Thread

[bunny's mama]

hi all...i'm in the process of weaning my 22 month old, hope to be done by his 2nd birthday or thereabouts. he is my 2nd child and as of today, i've been either pregnant or nursing for 5 straight years! (i know there are mamas here who can beat that...) and i'm just really done & and also feeling really good about what i've given both of my kids in terms of nursing relationships.

i've been reading some of the posts in this forum and some of the ones in the older forums and was thinking it might be nice to have a thread to support those of us who are weaning (not child-led).

in any case, i know there are emotions and physical issues and lots of other stuff worth discussing.

PLEASE, if you are pro-CLW: I do not want this to be a place where pro-CLWers try to make non-CLWers feel guilty for mama-led weaning, or try to talk anyone into continuing to nurse. i mean for this to be a support thread for non CLWers. thanks.

[opally]

My ds is 23 months, and I also feel like I'm at the end of my nursing career. My oldest, who is 12, nursed for 3.5 years, my second, who is 5, nursed for 4 years (tandem for a while with the youngest) - that's over 9 years of nursing of the past 12, and I'm just ready to have my body back. I just have such little idea how to actually wean - the two earlier weanings weren't willing on the part of the kids, and it wasn't easy. I'm at a loss with the third, but I just can't see continuing for another year or two.

I'll be anxious for the words of advice/support of other mamas in this thread.

[nym]

I am weaning my 18 month old son. I decided this last night. I emotionally/physically cannot do it anymore. I am 28 weeks pregnant, and I will NOT be able to nurse both of them. I know it is time as I am really mad and resentful of our nursing relationship now. I hope to find some kind of support

[bunny's mama]

hi opally! thanks for your reply...

there is a wonderful book put out by LLL, called "how weaning happens" i can't remember the author...but you could put the title in at amazon (or half.com, even better) and i'm sure it would come up. it helped me a lot when i was weaning my dd. i found with both of mine, that getting from unlimited nursing down to 3 times a day (morning, nap and before bedtime) was the hardest part. afer thatit becomes a little easier to drop one nursing at a time, slowly. this time, i started weaning ds about 2 months ago and we're now at 2 a day (nap and before bed), we'll drop the bedtime one in another 3 weeks or so, then naptime another 3 weeks after that. i find also that it's hardest in the first few days after dropping a nursing...you gotta have snacks and sippy cup of water ready and DON'T SIT DOWN, lol!

i'm really with you on feeling like i want my body back. my dh also would like to have more physical contact with my breasts, but after nursing ds, because he is so "touchy" (likes to pinch my back and fiddle with my belly, argh, and try to touch the other boobie) i always say to dh "DON'T touch my boobs" and that's hard on us both. i'm ready to reclaim (what's left of) my boobs in the name of sexuality! even at only 2 nursings a day, my boobs are touched out.

every time i have dropped a nursing, i can feel my body changing and coming back. i also joined curves (one of those 30 minute circuit training gyms) because nursing has been my main method of weight control for a loooong time, and i'm a little afraid of how much weight i could gain when we're totally done.

looking forward to hearing from more weaning mamas

[bunny's mama]

hi nym, we posted at the same time....welcome!

i nursed dd for my first trimester of my pg with ds and it was awful. i agree that its so much better to wean them than to have a bad end to a beautiful nursing relationship when it gets filled with resentment and anger. in most cultures, women do wean immediately when they find they are pg with another. just getting enough nutrition when you're nursing and pg is a realy challenge.

i admire you for doing what you feel is best for you and your family. also, i think you (and all of us) should be really proud of nursing our children for as long as we have. 18 months is really a long time! it's nuch nuch longer than MOST children nurse. i think its great when the other mamas here who enjoy nursing continue longer, but i also think it can lead to some of us feeling bad because we don't choose to continue longer, or because longer term nursing is not for us. i admire mamas who take care of themselves and make decisions based on what is right for their particular situation.

[Al Dente]

I hope this thread continues to go well. I am night-weaning my ds at 1 y.o. due to factors beyond my control. Good luck to all of you mamas!

[hazeldust]

i dont know if this is the right place for me as i am not totally weaning, just starting the process. my dd is 16 months. for awhile now i have been nursing her to sleep and i cant put her down. it is very frustrating. i feel like i spend all day taking care of the three kids and at night i need me time. so the other night i decided that i cant do this anymore. i need my nights. so i nursed little one while we read and then when i turned the light off i explained to her that i was done, she fussed a bit but fell asleep, then my other daughter(31/2) was restless and after lying there for maybe a half hour i couldnt take it anymore. i explained to them that i was going to get up and put the food from dinner away, then i would be back to check on them. the girls put up quite a fuss but after me telling the older one to go back to bed and shut the door, they at least stayed in the room. after i put the food away(about 15minutes) i brushed my teeth and went to bed with them but i did not nurse. well we all finally fell asleep. i woke up when their dad called me(about 945) and was able to get up for awhile. that night she fussed a few times but i just held her and within a few minutes each time she fell back to sleep. in the morning she was really in a good mood and it lasted alot longer than usual. then yesterday i made it a point to sort of limit her nursing to specific times. we ended up nursing once in the morning, once for nap(around noon), once after nap?, once around dinner and once during the bedtime story. also i made it a point to lay down with her during naptime, and after lying there for awhile(good for me!!) i got up for about 20 minutes, then she woke up. this gave me time to put the groceries away, and clean up after lunch. yesterday i also made a point to keep us on a schedule, centered around meals and that went really well. it is amazing how much better things are with a schedule! so then last night it was the same i nursed her for storytime, and after the light went out she fussed for like five seconds and then she rolled over and fell asleep with her arms wrapped around my head. then within ten minutes she was sleeping so soundly that i was able to disengage myself from her and get up for a couple hours! i think maybe nursing so much at night kept her from sleeping soundly. anyways thats it for now but ill keep you all posted!wish me luck on my consistency

[bunny's mama]

welcome racheepoo (that's what we call our god-daughter!)

hi hazeldust! and i'd say that if you wandered into this thread and took the time to post, you definitely belong here!

with both of my kids, 1 year was my limit for night nursing. we co-sleep, but i'm not one of those mamas who can nurse at night and not be disturbed by it. i have a bad back and side lying really made it worse, plus, lets just say i wasn't parenting optimally during the daylight hours when my sleep was being interrupted every 1-3 hours (never got more than 3 hours straight in the 1st year of either child's life). so i nightweaned both at 1 year usign the dr. jay gordon method, which worked great for us.

i know that a lot of mamas find that night weaning gives them the energy they need to continue the (daytime) nursing relationship longer.

good luck to you. consistency is certainly the hardest, but most important part. when we're not consistent, i think they get confused, KWIM?

[sprout 1]

HA! I'm so glad I found this thread!
DS is almost 22 months, and our nursing relationship is starting to... sour. He will just go back and forth, blowing raspberries and flinging his legs around by my head, digging his elbow into my tummy so he can "climb" and maneuver to the top of the couch (all 37lbs. of him)... while latched on. It's honestly driving me crazy. He always wants to hold the other one in a pincer grip, so I've gotten really tactile-defensive, if you will. At least once a day I have to end our nursing session because of *nibbling* and I just think he's playing more than anything else. Basically, it's not a nice bonding time for us anymore, and its definitely not about food. So we're trying to gradually distract and cut back. Now writing this I can really see how he needs some limits, but I've just always felt that limits didn't really apply to nursing. Something to think about, I guess!

[nym]

Well, last night, I think was it.

About 2:30 I got up to go the bathroom and DS woke up. I got back into bed and he wanted to nurse. I gave him a bit and then I told him that the boobies are sleeping, and we have to go to sleep too. He cried, first it was a give me boobie cry, then a mad cry, then a sad cry, and then a goodbye cry. It lasted about 2 minutes. he turned over so I spooned him and while it took a bit for him to go back to sleep, he didn't touch them again. He didn't touch them when he woke a few hours later, he just wanted me to spoon him. He didn't even look at them this morning.

I'm sad

[bethwl]

I'm glad to see this thread. I'm glad we have the Breastfeeding Beyond Infancy forum in addition to just Breastfeeding and CLW, since these threads weren't really welcomed in CLW before (obviously) and seemed out of place with all the newborn issues in Breastfeeding. My daughter is 18 months and I'm starting to get really resentful. She nursed almost constantly (literally) last night and I remember just sitting there saying "I hate this." That's not warm bonding time. And it's not always about food anymore, definitely. Sometimes, she just wants to nurse for about three seconds and I don't taking my shirt up and undoing my bra every few minutes. I'm sick of sleeping on a rumpled, half-up-my-back shirt, and of getting pinched, kicked and all that. Sure, we need limits, but she's having a hard time understanding and abiding by that. I just want to be done before getting pregnant again.

[Galatea]

Ds will be weaned by his 1st birthday. I am not proud of that fact, but I am not ashamed, either.

Dh and I started TTC when he was 9 months old, figuring it would take awhile to get pg, and that if my milk dried up by my 2nd trimester, he would be a year old. I fully intended to nurse him throughout my pregnancy and tandem nurse.

To my surprise, about 1 week after I got my BFP, nursing became a nightmare for me. Just the barest touch on my breasts made my skin crawl. Nursing was even worse. It was the worst feeling ever. I had bad daydreams while nursing; e.g., a giant guillotine would come down and sever the connection between us at my breast. These thoughts and feelings really upset me, and I kept thinking that I could not continue this when it made me so angry at ds. Night was even worse - I would find myself hating him in my sleep, and being very angry when he woke me. I dreaded going to bed, and was so exhausted and nauseated all the time.

I first night-weaned him at 10.5 months. This was actually quite easy. Instead of instantly offering the boob when he woke, I just shushed and patted him, and he went right back to sleep. In the early morning, which was prime nursing hour, I just pulled him onto my chest to sleep, which worked like a charm. Since he night-weaned so easily, he must have been ready for it. He would only ever suck for a few seconds, anyway, before falling back to sleep.

Luckily for us, ds has been extremely interested in people food since 8 months. By the time I decided to begin weaning at 11 months, he was only eating about 4-6 times a day. I just stopped offering, and he didn't notice. He had been eating a lot more people food even before I got pg and decided to wean, so I think he was transitioning himself away from booby anyway. It has not been that difficult. For a few days it was tough if he wanted to nap on my lap and got into the nursing position - he would get excited to nurse, so I would let him for a few seconds, but the feeling was always too terrible, and he was leaving bite marks on my nipples. Now, 2 weeks away from his 1st birthday, we are almost done. He didn't nurse at all today and only once yesterday.

I am sad, of course, but also relieved; nursing was really making me feel bad and constantly having to pull him off my boob was making me feel terrible. It was really affecting our relationship, as I was resenting him. Now we are actually closer, b/c I have developed new ways to comfort him without simply flipping a boob. We snuggle more. I am sad at the end of this phase of our relationship; I try to remember how he acted when nursing, and all the nursing we did, but I know it will fade. It makes me cry. I wish I had videotaped him nursing; I wish we had more pictures of it. I think, though, that this is also tied in with realizing that every day is further away from my little newborn. The approach of his 1st birthday is really doing a number on my pregnant hormonal brain. I never mourned the passing of time before having him. Now it is a constant sadness.

I think I will write him a letter to put in his baby book about our nursing relationship.

[bunny's mama]

whoopee! i'm so glad to have started this thread and to see so many mamas here.

nym, for you. how are you doing today? i remember feeling sad after dd weaned, and a little at a loss as to how to nurture her outside of nursing. she had been such a 24/7 nurser for 2 years. but ya know what? i never would have guessed that weaning her would bring such positive things with it. she almost immediately got closer with dh and allowed him to comfort her so much more. she also had a huge emotional/social growth spurt and became more independent in a really positive way. before weaning dd, i was a supporter of CLW, on my way to becoming a LLL leader and everything. after my positive experience with weaning her (and watching other nurslings i know who are CLW and those that are not) i totally changed my view on CLW and it's appropriateness for me.

anyway, what i'm trying to say is that you will develop new ways to nurture and be close with your ds. nursing is certainly not the only way to be close to our children. i have a few friends who never nursed (or nursed only for a very short time) and their children are really well attached and happy kids (not as healthy though, of course )

morgansmom, i think it was dr. sears who talks about nursing being a mama's first chance at discipline (i.e. teaching). it is the perfect place to teach our children about repsecting other people (namely MAMA!!!) and also about physical boundaries, what's not acceptable (i.e. HURTING MAMA!! : ) good luck. i have tried instituting nursing manners with both of my kids with some success, but i honestly don't know any mama who's nursed past 1 year who doesn't get pinched and poked and twiddled at least some of the time. it's sort of the dirty little secret of nursing past infancy.

bethwl, your post is exactly why i started this thread! i was saddened here when i read over and over barbs about "pre-maturely" weaning (i.e ANY form of mama-led weaning, it seems) or how a "good" AP mama would listen to her child's needs and continue to nurse because it's important to the child (regardless of how the mama is feeling). i don't feel bad at all about weaning my children at 2 years, even if they haven't been ready. I'M ready, and that's enough for me. it's my body and i've given freely of it for a total of 4 years (plus pregnancy, that's another 18 mos. LOL) which i'm really proud of. i don't have any desire to tandem nurse, or to nurse thru pregnancy or to nurse a child over 2. i totally support those who do choose those things, but i would never presume to judge anyone who weans on their own timetable, rather than their child's.

galatea, i think writing your ds a letter is a wonderful idea. do it soon, though, while the feelings are fresh in your head & heart. just writing it might also make you feel better.

[lexbeach]

Hooray for this thread!!

I am really needing some support right now. I have decided that I definitely intend to wean my twin nurslings (who will be two in 4 days!!!). When I got pregnant, my nursing goal was two years, but I have wavered over the past year about whether or not I would wean them or do CLW, or if I would wait until they were 3, or what. . . But, the truth is that I'm done. I'm really, really done. Lately, nursing has become the reason for all crying and hitting and whining and upset in our house. My boys want to nurse ALL THE TIME. I have tried cutting them back to just 4 or 5 nursings a day and we were all miserable. I honestly felt like it would be easier to not be nursing at all than to have some times when nursing was okay, and sometimes when it wasn't.

I nightweaned my boys at 18 months, and things were going well for a while with that. With winter and sickness, we slipped back into night nursing and I've realized that it really seems to be all or nothing with my boys. They so quickly (even when well) reverted to nursing continuously throughout the night. I thought maybe if we started night nursing again, they would just nurse once or twice, like their friends who are still nursing.

I am excited for the day when I can play with them and not have to get bombarded with "Please nurse! PLease nurse!" Also, since they are twins, we have other issues with jealousy. Nursing is the main reason for tension between them, unless I want to nurse them both at once. . . which I often do end up doing, but I really hate it.

Basically, I feel like I've done a great job of nursing them for two years, but that I'm really not enjoying it at all anymore, and I haven't been for quite some time. That doesn't mean that I'm not still grateful for nursing at times (when it immediately stops a tantrum, or when they've got fevers, or when I'm in the middle of an important phone call and they start screaming. . . ), but at this point I think FOR ME the benefits of weaning will outweigh the benefits of continuing to nurse.

The trouble is that I just have NO IDEA how to go about weaning them. I think I will do it somewhat gradually, but not as gradually as I would have liked. It was so hard before when we were just nursing around sleep times. I felt like it would just be easier to say that there was no more nursing ever than to say, "no more nursing right now, but in 20 minutes when I put you down for your nap you can nurse."

My new plan is to try ONLY nursing them in bed. I'm not sure how well it will work, but I've heard of people using this strategy before successfully. And my goal is for them to be completely weaned by my birthday. . . May 11. . . and if it seems like it can happen earlier than that GREAT.

I do have a fair amount of sadness about this. I can't honestly imagine a life without nursing them. And I feel somewhat guilty knowing that I am going to be taking away their most favorite thing in the world. Have any of you struggled with this?

I just have this feeling that we will all enjoy each other so much more when we don't have to be thinking about my breasts so much!

Thanks for starting this thread!

[clothcrazymom]

I'm needing some support in beginning to gently weaning my 21 (almost 22) month old.

I had hoped to start the process by now and be complete sometime around his 2nd birthday. Things have been hectic around here so I've waited a bit to begin.

I'm definitely nursed out like so many have you have described! I'm also turning 40 in August and we have 5 frozen embryos and are planning to do transfer(s) this year. So, I need to have him weaned sometime soon. I know there have been many conversations on these boards about weaning to ttc and such and that it's been looked at unfavorably. I understand all that but it's just a different situation for us...we are commited to giving the 5 frozen little ones a chance.

And given what we have gone through in our lives, I'm very aware that this may be the end of my nursing career and sure there is some sadness. The truth about that is that raising children is all about moving from one stage to another and there is often sadness mixed with joy. Sadness of what is being left behind and joy about the exciting new things that lie ahead.

I'm not really sure how to go about it all either. So many things out there say to drop one nursing at a time, but when your toddler doesn't have a routine in nursing and may be nursing non-stop around the clock it's a bit difficult to drop a specific nursing time.

With my oldest, I weaned him at 14 months with lots of help by those around me. It was due to circumstances in our lives at that time. With my 2nd weaning was around 25 months and it was a very slow gradual process with some distraction techniques. And it seemed different than so many describe on the boards. I remember night nursing as being the last nursings to go. I think it was easier to wean in the daytime first because it was easier to be busy and such during the day.

Anyway....I'm rambling (tired!). It's nice to have this thread! I've been feeling like most things out there are rather all or nothing. Either for weaning very early or CLW and I think lots of mama's out there fall somewhere inbetween

[ajsgirl]

Oh Thank Goodness for this thread.

We are at the same place. My ds is almost 23 mos and I (not we) am ready to begin the weaning process. I would say at about 18 months, we started the gradual weaning process, getting down to nursing for sleep and maybe once during the day. I was hoping this would set the stage for weaning by 2, but it's just not working at all. He is still nursing the same amount or more, most days at least 5 times. But he asks at least 10 times a day and I just try to distract: "do you want some chocolate milk? do you want blueberries? Do you want a peanut butter sandwich? Let's play with trains! Let's draw! Let's play with playdoh!" Occasionally it works, most of the time it doesn't, and we end up in a big fight with eachother that my husband, if he's home, has to break up. When he asks and I refuse, he starts screaming at me, pulling at my clothes, pinching my breasts and arms and scratching at my face. I tell him that this is certainly not the way we get the things we want and that this is unkind to mama and it hurts a lot. He doesn't care.

Well, now I'm 8 weeks pregnant and although tandem nursing and CLW sounds romantic, it's just not something I want to do. I had a really difficult time keeping weight on nursing one and can see myself withering away to nothing nursing two. I got down to 91 lbs and looked just sickly. Plus, I just don't want to be nursing two, unless I've got twins (hi Lex!).

So, I'm glad to have found this thread, because there needs to be some support for moms who are ready to wean. And I need some ideas!

Arjun needs a nap! Time to go nurse....

[Ragana]

Thanks very much for starting this thread. I am another mom who has personally chosen not to CLW, and I feel OK about that. I think it's great that all of the posts in this thread have been respectful - of the children, of the parents' boundaries, and of other people's choices.

I have worked full-time (first in an external office, then in a home office) from when each of my daughters turned 3 mos. old and pumped for a long time for each, which I find quite tiring. I have a computer-based job that requires a lot of concentration and attention to detail that I can't do effectively in a permanently sleep-deprived state. And I need to do it well - I am the sole freelance breadwinner, while my DH is a SAHD. I also just generally don't deal with sleep deprivation well. So those are my personal reasons for wanting to wean DD2, esp. at night.

Weaning DD1 was gradual, gentle and (I believe) mutual. She just dropped feedings until one day we didn't nurse anymore. She was just under 2. Even at that young age she would occasionally make "nursing jokes" - pretend to nurse and then stop just short and laugh. I feel very comfortable with how our nursing relationship went. I didn't even wean consciously; it just sort of happened.

My DD2 is now a little over 20 mos. old and I'm sort of half-heartedly weaning. What I mean is that I feel ready to wean, but I don't really have a "system" in place yet. I'm a bit at a loss, because with DD1 it was so easy. DD2 has always been an active nurser - the kind that pinches/twiddles, hits, twists around, etc. I call her the "baby goat" because she loves to nurse standing up.

I have basically started to try to distract her from nursing when I can with milk or a snack, have my DH make sure to feed her lots of snacks, and just this week started to try to pat her on the back at night instead of nursing, but if she is really upset, then I nurse. I am generally successful at putting her to bed w/out nursing now - her sister has bad teeth, and I am trying to prevent that any way I can with DD2. At night, we are at anywhere from 1-3x - we are also "weaning" from the family bed so that she can share a room with her sister, so it depends on where she is at night. She also nurses once (welcome-home nursing) when they get home from activities. Sometimes I nurse her a few times more during the day if she asks for "na na". So about 2-5 times per day total, and if she's sick I nurse on demand.

I'd appreciate any other tips you have. I have read Dr. Sears, but if someone could post links or something to the Dr. Jay Gordon method, that would be great.

[bunny's mama]

ajsgirl: yikes. so sorry you're getting assaulted by your little one. that's no fun and such a sad way to end the nursing relationship. if i were in your shoes, i would do an abrupt weaning. just decide on a day, then tell arjun ONE DAY prior that tomorrow will be our last day nursing. be upbeat and happy (even if you feel sad, come on here and we'll support ya). i also wouldn't say anything about it being about his behavior around nursing, just that the milky is all gone, there's just not going to be any milky left in the boobies after that last day.

my bet is that you'll have maybe another 5-7 days of an unhappy, angry little guy (and just tell him when/if he asks that the milky is ALL GONE, there's no more left), but if you hold fast to no nursing, he'll forget about it in a week. i know that sounds impossible, but it's true. it's happened to so many mamas i know. even if they love nursing, they really do move on quickly. i'd suggest you plan outing every day the 1st week of no nursing, lots to do and snacks are good!

lex: has anyone given you a big hand for nursing twins for so long? i'm so impressed with any mama who can nurse twins (especially rowdy ones, LOL) past a year. and i remember reading waaay back that you had a challenging birth with them, too, so even more kudos to you. only nursing them in bed is a good idea (now of course they may ask to go to bed all day... ) let us know how it goes.

also, i want to put in another plug for the book; HOW WEANING HAPPENS. i found it really helpful, and much better than "the nursing mother's guide to weaning." for those of y'all who need ideas, its a good place to start.

[bunny's mama]

Originally Posted by Ragana

if someone could post links or something to the Dr. Jay Gordon method, that would be great.

ragana, if you do a search on "nightweaning" or "jay gordon" in this forum, i'm pretty sure you'll find all the threads that talk about it. the article itself is at www.drjaygordon.com ,l when you get there, do a search on "changing the pattern of sleep in the family bed" that's the name of the article.

[jo11]

Hi- I'm glad to see this thread. I have a 2 year old who I have successfully cut back to nursing just at bed and nap times. Now I'm really scared to cut out the bedtime nursings- I just don't know how to do it. For his morning nursing I put bandaids on my nipples and said" no more nursing in the morning- only nite nite". he was so interested in the bandaids he did not seem to mind. Now he actually eats breakfast! I'm worried about cutting out the naptime nursing- I'm afraid he just won't nap. and he REALLY needs a nap during the day. Well if anyone has any suggestions that would be great. I also feel guilty about taking this away from him.