It's been 58 hours since I last nursed. . .
And I am an emotional mess. I feel so torn and conflicted. This was not my plan, and I don't feel great about it at all. What happened is that I threw my back out badly sometime on Saturday (probably doing some contorted tandem nursing while climbing the stairs type of thing
). I woke up Sunday in a lot of pain. I spent the morning in bed, icing and heating, etc. and then decided to get up and about and see if some activity might help (plus, I wasn't about to miss out on our local glbt pride march and rally!). I don't know if the activity made it worse, or what, but I woke up monday unable to move. It was freaky. I nursed the boys when they woke up from 4:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. and then dw entertained them until I could get to my body worker healer guy for some help. My back was in total spasm and there wasn't much he could do. He strongly suggested taking a muscle relaxer, and I finally agreed to. I just couldn't take the pain. But I knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable nursing with the meds in my milk. I figured that I would just nurse the boys inbetween meds, since they only last 12 hours.
That night I slept in our guest bed because it has a much firmer mattress (not generally a fan of firm, but I guess it is better for the back), and dw slept in our bed so she'd be able to hear the boys (guest room is in the basement, boys are on second floor). So in the morning, when the boys woke up, dw took care of them. She said they cried a little, but it wasn't hard to distract them from wondering where I was. They snuggled in bed with her and fell back asleep. When I woke up, I was still in excrutiating pain. The boys were so happy to see me, and loved me up, but didn't ask to nurse. Dw had told them that there was no nursing right now because mom had a "bad ow" (that's their word for "boo boo"). I took more meds, and spent another day lying flat on my back, no nursing. This morning we did the same thing (I'm still in the guest bed), and the boys were just as happy to see me in the morning, and didn't ask to nurse, although they did have some of their little animals nurse me.
It's strange because we'd reached this point in the weaning process where I just never offered to nurse them anymore. But last night I spent about 4 hours crying my eyes out, not being able to deal with the possibility of having my boys be totally weaned, wanting so badly to go to their room and offer them my breasts (which I'm sure they'd happily accept). I was planning to nurse them for four more months, and to have the ending be so gradual that we might not even notice it.
Instead, here we are. . . now it's been 58 hours since any nursing happened at all. It's so hard to think that we're done, but at the same time I feel like if we've gotten this far, we may as well be done. Jasper did ask to nurse a little this evening, and I rocked him in the chair instead, just checking to see if he would get hysterical or what. He just snuggled up with his hand on my breast, and within a minute or so was chipper again. He was pretty edgy all day, though. Very quick to tears (as was I). Luke has seemed totally great.
Oh, I just feel so conflicted. I didn't want it to be like this. I feel so weird, like I don't know who I am as a mother anymore. Nursing was such a HUGE part of it. They were still nursing for at least 2 hours out of every day. . . and now. . . nothing. My breasts are full, but not painfully so, and haven't been leaking or anything like that. No plugged ducts. It's so weird to think of them as non-nursing breasts now. I am no longer a nursing mother. It is very hard to wrap my head around.
Part of me does feel this little bit of relief. And I feel like already my boys are paying so much more attention to ME instead of just my boobs. They've been giving me so many hugs and kisses and we've been doing lots of snuggling. I realized that I never really got to just hold them and hug them, they were always just wanting to nurse (and if I didn't want to nurse, then it was a fight, not a nice snuggle moment), or not wanting to be in my arms at all.
What would you do in my situation? Should I just be strong and be done? I honestly feel like I'm having a much harder time of it than Luke and Jaz are, which is unexpected but maybe reassuring too? I mean, it does seem like they were ready, certainly more ready than I thought they were at this point.
I also had all these fantasies about what the "last nursing" would be like. Instead, I barely remember it since I was half-asleep. I did get a couple of good one-on-one nursing sessions in the day before, so I may just choose to remember those as the "last nursings." But then part of me thinks maybe there could be just one MORE last nursing, where I talk to the boys about it before hand, and I realize it as the last nursing while it's happening. Do you think this would be too confusing to the boys? I mean, I realize that it is entirely for my benefit since I don't know how much of the "last time" concept they understand at this point (27 months old). Dw thinks it's a really bad idea because then it would just be like starting all over again, that they would ask to nurse more than ever after having had this time without and then getting a taste for it again.
But the thought of never nursing them again is just so sad. I just never thought I'd be feeling so sad at this point. I don't want it to end this way.
Any advice warmly welcomed.
Thanks (and sorry to have rambled so extensively),
p.s. my back is feeling pretty okay at this point, no more meds, and I'm up and about.