Boys & dresses/pink/long hair etc - Page 5

[BrooklynDoula]

Originally Posted by Embee

Undoing damage...

I was visiting my folks last week for an afternoon, and thank goodness it was only that long. In 2 hours time my mom managed to make DS feel bad about himself a hundred different ways including asking my long haired beautiful boy: "Don't you want a little boy haircut" as if to say that if his hair is long he is somehow NOT a boy. She also made several comments about my great-nephew who has a "little boy haircut." Then, when DS mentioned to her that I'd cut an old shirt of mine short to make a dress for him (something he was very excited about), she sort of turned away and rolled her eyes and laughed as if to say, "Ok, whatever floats your boat." Very condescending and judgemental were her actions, no question what she was thinking there...

Thanks. Comments, experiences, suggestions well accepted.

The best,
Em

Hey Em, sorry this happened. It is the worst when it comes from the people who should love our children for who they are. In terms of how to deal with it, I find just beiong really honest with my child and talking through it works. I say things like, "I thought that was a bummer when xxx said xxx to you because those are some really silly ideas about xxx". We chat some and we also think about things that could be said in that context. I find that if I model good "come-baks" for my child, then he is empowered to 'defend' himself in these contexts (see above post with the super).

Good luck.

M

[sahm1]

Originally Posted by AnthroMama

I think lots of us have addressed this here and perhaps you would be well served by reading through the thread and engaging with the issues we have been discussing - like how to protect our children from gender based oppression (from others, from family, and even from ourselves as we struggle). I don't mean to dismiss your ideas but I am not sure what you are hoping to get with this one liner. My child, for example, does not go to school but does wear whatever clothing desired everywhere we go. If your child had to wear glasses would you force them not to (eyesight, who needs it?) just so they wopuld not get picked on? Kids get teased for SO many issues - weight, height, glasses, smart, stupid, likes and dislikes, siblings, birth markers, different abilities, and the list is endless. We CAN NOT make that never happen - what we can do is love our children and create mature, strong kids who feel able to face the challenges that life presents us all. My child, for example, now has lots of words for dealing with people who would force gender roles unto him. Our super, for exmaple, told him that boys do not wear nail polish and told him to have his father remove it. My child began to laugh and said back to him "Frank, you are funny. Boys DO wear nail polish, just look". He held out his hands with pride and said, "See, I am a boy and I have red nail polish". He smiled and walked away.

Yes I know kids get teased about many things, but this you can prevent! And sorry if I offended you but that is my opinion and I'm allowed to expressed it on this thread....

[BrooklynDoula]

You can also prevent many other things but that doesa not make them right. Perhaps I should only partner with white men so my children will not have to face racism? Perhaps we should abort children with disabilities so they will not get teased? The only way to 'prevent' your children from getting teased is to force them to be something esle and become a part of the problematic system that says it is alright to tease people for non-conforming gender identities. Isn't there a time when it makes sense to just love our children for who they are and help them work to change the world around us?

I am not offended - your opinion is that expressed by most mainstream parents (and people more broadly) and is found all over the place. While I think it is wrong and narrow, it is not suprising and getting offended aboiut it would get me no where. I'm not sure why you'd like me to know that you are 'allowed' to have it - of course, isn't that obvious?

If you are interested in engaging about these issues, I would be happy to talk with you further. As it is, you seem to be more interested in contrary one-liners, which, as you say, is something you are 'allowed' but I don't find it productive. At the very least, I hope you'll teach your children not to tease others because they fail to conform to arbirary cultural rules about gender.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by sahm1

Yes I know kids get teased about many things, but this you can prevent!

Yes, but at what cost?

ETA - Oops, crosspost with Anthro.

[sahm1]

I'm not trying to start a debate. With my first post I jus seriously wanted to know if you send (or plan on sending) your son to school in a dress.

Obviously I do not think you anyone should abort their baby if it has a disablilty! I don't think a boy in a dress has anything to do with a disabled child.

[thismama]

It's about how much of your child's spirit to you lay at the altar of social conformity.

And about how squishing our kids into boxes out of fear perpetuates those very boxes, so other generations of kids will continue to suffer.

[MidwifeErika]

Originally Posted by sahm1

I'm not trying to start a debate. With my first post I jus seriously wanted to know if you send (or plan on sending) your son to school in a dress.

Obviously I do not think you anyone should abort their baby if it has a disablilty! I don't think a boy in a dress has anything to do with a disabled child.

I don't plan to send my kids to school in any clothes.... they choose what they want to wear and if they choose to send themselves out in dresses, pants, kilts, what-have-you, I am cool with it. I draw the line at haltertops, miniskirts, tube tops, or anything really revealing and sexualized.

I believe the comparison of a son in a dress to a child with disabilities was just to make a point. What is being said is that there are many things that are "preventable" that children get teased for. It doesn't mean that we should beat our children into conforming in order to protect them from nasty little bullies who learn hate from their parents and spread it on. I am a bright pink haired, overweight mama. Will my kids get teased for this? I am sure of it. Does that mean I should change myself? nope. My kids have a good chance, based on genetics, of needing braces, glasses, having acne, large breasts, and weight problems. Does this mean I should sign them up for lasik surgery, breast reductions, starve them to be thin, load them up on acne drugs, and oral surgery to prevent braces? What kind of mom would I be if I was only concerned by other people and not about what is truely best for my children? Shouldn't my goal instead be to teach my children to love themselves, care for themselves, and poopoo anyone who treats them poorly because of their ignorance? That is what I think my goal should be.

[BrooklynDoula]

Really well said hotwings and thismama.

[eilonwy]

I haven't read over this entire thread, but I've got a little boy who loves pink and I posted a bit about it over in Parenting Issues not too long ago: Boys in Pink.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by AnthroMama

Hey Em, sorry this happened. It is the worst when it comes from the people who should love our children for who they are. In terms of how to deal with it, I find just beiong really honest with my child and talking through it works. I say things like, "I thought that was a bummer when xxx said xxx to you because those are some really silly ideas about xxx". We chat some and we also think about things that could be said in that context. I find that if I model good "come-baks" for my child, then he is empowered to 'defend' himself in these contexts (see above post with the super).

Thank you so much for this AnthroMama. Had to actually go back and reread my last post, forgotten just how much this incident had bothered me.

Your advice is well taken, thank you. We have focused so much on accepting who DS is that I feel we probably haven't taken time to discuss things with him as often as we should be. He's very sensitive, and sometimes misinterprets what I'm trying to say (support, understanding of not so tolerant others, etc.) no matter how carefully I place my words. Your suggestions are excellent and simple. Perfect, I'll take them to heart.

At present, DS continues to embrace his feminine and masculine sides rather equally although if it leans more to one side, it's usually the feminine. Yep, there's my kid, sitting in the sandbox, playing with his trucks wearing a tiara. And for all those who would not understand, we're lucky to live in a community that is incredibly tolerant... we have new neighbors whom we don't know well as of yet and they know DS is a boy because of how we introduced him initially, but I'm sure DS has had them guessing at times. The other day we were headed out in the car and DS was decked out in full fairy attire (dress, wand, etc.) and our neighbor (a young man, 30ish) yelled, "what's your son's name again?" After we told him he yelled (with thumbs up sign), "He's totally cool." Yep. He is indeed...

Originally Posted by hotwings640

What kind of mom would I be if I was only concerned by other people and not about what is truely best for my children? Shouldn't my goal instead be to teach my children to love themselves, care for themselves, and poopoo anyone who treats them poorly because of their ignorance? That is what I think my goal should be.

Beautiful.

[paulapinny]

whatever next ?

I should have noticed that there was a lack of boy's underwear in the wash,but just didn't.I realised when he came from school and changed into his skirt that when he sat on the floor I could see he was wearing panties.Not just any panties but white silky ones of his older sister.I asked him where he got them and he told me his sister had given him a few pairs -which she later confirmed - but he liked theses ones best I told him if he was wearing a skirt he needed to be more careful and not show off his underwear and that he really should wear a slip with that skirt.
I think he is becoming more feminine and seems to be accepted that way by his sister and her friends but should I ban him from dresses for his own good ?
Any thoughts ?
Paula

[Sharlla]

My MIL told me yesterday "I didn't like that pink diaper on him, it looked like you were trying to turn him into a faggot" : I said "that's not very christian like of you, besides pink is just a color and even if he were gay it wouldn't matter to me anyway" She didn't say anything after that

[Embee]

Yikes Barbara. I'm sorry your MIL said that! Those kind of comments make my skin crawl. You handled it superbly!

I've been meaning to check in on this thread...

How's everyone? How are our little guys? Mine I think is starting to become more inhibited about his girl wear, except when around us or his close buddy. Even without attending school and being in a more or less tolerant environment such is our town, he still senses the social "norms." *sigh* I do however believe also that he's just not in an overly feminine place right now. Of course, it's all relative because I say this at a time when his hair is about half way down his back and he will wear nothing but girls leggings, and his favorite jammies are decorated sky blue with clouds, moons and stars on them. It does wax and wane... a few months ago, he wore nothing but dresses and fairy wings for weeks on end so right now, he seems less feminine to me, but to others... let's just say he's been called a girl at least 4 times this week and we've only really been out about 4 times. He's really great about speaking up for himself these days. The other day he just said to one lady, sweet as you please, "Actually, I'm a boy. I've got long hair." And you know, I'm not entirely sure she believed him.

At any rate, he's happy, seemingly content with his multi sided self. And ok, I think he's just about as cute as they come but of course, I'm biased.

How are things with everyone else???

The best,
Em

[Tinastone]

Special daughters

I am so happy to find other moms with sons who are feminine. My son Chrissie adores dressing up in girls clothes and has done so since he/she was 2 or 3. It started when s/he started asking me if I could paint his fingier nails to look like mine because he wanted to look pretty too. So I decided to bring home some cute outfits from the girls dept to see if he would wear them. Just short sets and tops. And he loved them. Pretty soon we were going to the store and when we went through the girls department at Targets I asked if there was anything he would like and he was begging me to buy him skirts and tops and dresses not to mention undies. Since I am divorced and we are the only ones at home I didn't think it was harmful and made him very happy. Now at age 8 Chriss is my dd whenever she is at home and most of the time when we go out and I couldn't be happier.
I have done a lot of reading about transgendered children and recently saw a documentary and the one thing that all the girls, now grown up, had in common as children was the deep hurt and regret that they had hide who they were and couldn't enjoy being little girls like they really felt they were. My Chrissie is going to enjoy who she is and improve her self-esteem.
Tina

[Morag]

Originally Posted by Tinastone

…Pretty soon we were going to the store and when we went through the girls department at Targets I asked if there was anything he would like and he was begging me to buy him skirts and tops and dresses not to mention undies. Since I am divorced and we are the only ones at home I didn't think it was harmful and made him very happy. Now at age 8 Chriss is my dd whenever she is at home and most of the time when we go out and I couldn't be happier.
…*…
My Chrissie is going to enjoy who she is and improve her self-esteem.
Tina

Tina,
I am rather late on the scene with this thread, having not been on MDC for a while and have only just discovered it. However some of the moms here may well remember my posts in the Gender variant/transgendered children thread here on MDC.
I, too, have a transgendered dc who has been expressing as a girl at home since she was less than 3. She has had long hair for most of her short life and has always been into "girl things" and was constantly annoying her elder sis by "borrowing" her clothes. I was constantly told by the "experts" that she would grow out of it. I must have been told, "It's just a phase," a hundred times. She is now 10 and on July 4th attended school as a girl for the first time. Before that, even when wearing boys' school uniform, she looked like a girl with a long ponytail in a pink scrunchy. She behaved in a very girlis manner, playing with the girls and used to get teased constantly; but funnily enough since she has transitioned at school and now wears teh girls' uniform (a checked dress in summer) she has been accepted by the other girls in her year (grade in US) as one of them and most of the boys accept her for what she is; although there are a couple of boys who steer clear of her because, they say, they don't want to catch whatever it is that made her become a girl!!!
The most heartening thing is that her schoolwork has improved immeasurably and got a really good end of term report for about the first time in her life. She is on vacation just now and enjoying the company of her sibs (1 elder sis and 2 younger bros) and her best friend (another girl) who has been faithful to her since they first met 5 years ago.
She is a delightful child, loving, happy, bubbly, — a typical little girl.
In later years I shall be able to look back on her girlhood with pleasure and happiness.

[Tonia80]

I really love so many of the responses tothis thread and found some great reassurance heer as my 5 year old son loves pink and many girly things and I find myslef at moments so utterly proud of his bravery to express himself outside of teh box but then other moments I worry I am setting him up for a life of teasing. Ifeel much more confident in allowing him to be himself no matter what now. Thank you for that.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Embee

I do however believe also that he's just not in an overly feminine place right now.

I just had to laugh when I reread this post and happened to notice the date. DS was exactly one day away from a 3+ month long OBSESSION with Laura Ingalls.

The best to all! Would love some updates on your boy/girls!

Em

[MamaFern]

i posted on this a loooooooooooooong time ago.. so..an update on us..

elwynn has gone back and forth between loving having long hair and wanting it shorter(we cut it to chin length just the other day..with bangs. SO sweet).. and loving pink and girly stuff and wanting to be more of a "boy" he finally started to correct people "im a BOY" when people say things like "what a beautiful little girl you have" he still likes wearing dresses and girlish stuff sometimes but the older he gets the more he sees how others react to it (like my mom for instance who has a big problem with it) and so he is way less inclined.. i wonder if it was more my dressing him like a girl and encouraging play with dolls and gender nutral toys rather than boy stuff (which by the way he LOVES..cars. oh. my ...)that has made him more of a girly boy.. but none the less he is small and fine featured and beautiful.. he is such a sensitive little person and i think others reactions to him looking and acting girly really effect him hopefully im doing a good job keeping him feeling like an individual and empowered to be whoever he is in this world.

[eilonwy]

Well, my son has very, very short hair, but his favorite color is still pink and he absolutely adores anything with sparkles on it. He seems to me to be a very masculine child who likes to wear pink sparkles.