Help with misbehaving Kindergartener

[jessc79]

Hi-
I am a lurker around these boards, but I am really stressed out about my 5 year-old step-son's behavior in kindergarten.

Let me start out by saying that Jordan's mom and step-dad and me and my DH get along really well. We spend weekends and holidays together. The kids are #1 to us.

Jordan started kindergarten and he has been getting in trouble with listening. He doesn't want to pay attention and he doesn't want to do what the teacher says. When he gets in trouble he throws HUGE temper tantrums. He does this all the time. Not so much to me because I just march him straight to his room, but he still does it.

We started a chart to reward him for his good behavior. That did not work. We started giving him time-outs when he is not good and that does not work. We have even tried spanking him when he throws huge fits and it has not worked, either.

He was complaining about missing day care, so we decided to let him do the after-school program so he could play with his friends. He seemed to like this but on Friday he got in trouble at the program. Yesterday he got in trouble again and he got a discipline slip that said if he acts up again in 10 days he wil be kicked out!

I don't even know what to do at this point. I am almost in tears. We try to all be consistent with out discipline and we love him more than anything. It hurts to see him in trouble, and I think he is starting to hate school. HELP!!

[lilyka]

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you but just wanted to let you know we are right there with you. Fortunately we homeschool so he behavior doesn't effect her education but she has started loosing friends (because of her tantrums when they want to leave ) and it breaks my heart.

Be sure to explain to him what the note from the after school program means and how it is a result of a specific behavior and what the consequences of that behavior another time is. (This is what you did and if you do it again they don't want you there) and let it go. If he gets kicked out he gets kicked out. it is his problem not yours.

How old is he? He may just not be socially ready for kindergarten. Was he like this in preschool or is it new? if it is new, there is probably a logical root.

God luck, how fortunate for him that he has so many people who love and are willing to work together on this.

[LaLaLuna]

JessC- Im' thinking it's the age, plus the transition into kindergarten. I'm going through a very similar thing with ds1 right now. Last year his preschool teacher wrote a short article on the changes kids go through at age 5-ish and there were lots of words like "impulsive" and "rowdy". I am definately experiencing these things right now! I'll try to find the article and see if she'll be ok with me posting it here because it was very helpful to see that these behaviors are developmentally normal. Also, I don't know about your stepson but I know anytime we have a transition period (and going into a new school is a BIG one!) behaviors get more difficult for a while. Mostly what helps is a lot of patience, a lot of describing behaviors ("I see that you're feeling frustrated right now. Do you want to talk about it?" etc) and a lot of extra one on one time. It also sounds like the school is just going right into reaction mode: giving him an immediate consequence and not really looking for other ways to resolve what's going on. Is this someting you could sit down with teh teacher one on one and try to work out? I know it's tough to handle a big class of kids and make time for one who doesn't just fall into line but surely there are things they can try before just kicking him out? he's FIVE for pete's sake! If he doesn't listen to orders maybe he can listen to choices "Will you sit and color with the crayons or would you rather have pencils?" - simple stuff like that. Some kids just go looking for a wall to start throwing themselves against but if they feel like they have some choice in the matter it can make it easier for them to cooperate.

It's late- I'm not coherent. I'll try to get that article our ps teacer wrote.

[jessc79]

I appreciate your responses. I have been picking him up right from school. I told him he doesn't have to go to the after school program and that it is a privelege that he has to earn back. He has been getting better. I talked to his mom and she thinks it is a phase. She said that he does this when he has to face change. She thinks it is related to the divorce in that change=bad=misbehaving. we are trying to focus on the positive and basically ignore the bad. We aren't going to punish him at home after he has already been punished at school. It is bad for his psyche. He starts to think he is bad.

I hope this works. He has been getting better with fits, too. I think he is starting to realize that fits don't get him anywhere but in time-out. Now if he wants to talk rationally, thats another story!!