Mom really upsetting me....

[our veggie baby]

Well, we have decided to have a homebirth and we meet with our midwife monday. We are really excited and though there are a few normal fears, I really think this is the way to go and that it will be a wonderful experience.

My Mother is really upsettting me though She is completely not on board with this at all, and of course it won't affect our decision, but I have to admit it really casts a damper on it, as I had hoped to have her present for the birth and for it to be a really positive experience. She tries to talk me out of it every chance she gets. She tells me horror stories. She practically tells me I am putting myself and daughter in danger....all of the above...it is really upsetting. I know it is coming from a place of concern and fear, but it seems like nothing I do comforts her or changes her mind at all. I tell her the statistics, I remind her we are only A MILE from the hospital and that my hubby even drove there and timed it during rush hour to make her feel better (it took only 6 minutes even during rush hour) I have told her of my midwife's credentials, I have told her my feelings, I have done everything to try to alleviate her concerns to no avail.

Don't get me wrong, she loves me and it's not like she is going to disown me or anything for having a homebirth, and to a point it is not even like I give a @#$#@ what she thinks, but deep down, this is my Mother and for whatever deep seeded reason, her acceptance is important to me. Like I said, not enough to alter my plans or life over it, but enough to bother and upset me...I got off the phone with her earlier and cried to my hubby about how it hurts me, how I envisioned my Mother being there when I bring my first child (daughter) into the world. How it would be healing for me and all this, like a full circle kind of thing and all that crunchy stuff lol....

...and she says she will be here if I want her to be, but I don't want any bad energy or vibes and I told her that. I told her I DO NOT want or need her questioning the midwife or anything like that, (ya know, moms *sigh*)...if she wants to be here I want her to be supportive and loving and positive and not constantly freaking me out with "she seems to be in real pain should we take her to the hospital" type things.....
Maybe I shouldn't have her here at all but that would upset me too...

*sigh* I wish there were some magical words I could say to make her come around. I don't expect her to be doing backflips over it, because she is set in her ways, but just something to where she is more relaxed and accepting about it, and isn't scaring me all the time with "what if"...type things...

I don't know why our Mothers affect us so much...even when we are nearly 30 but they do...

Any suggestions???

[jraohc]

I don't have any suggestions - I completely fear telling my mother that we're having a homebirth (which doesn't matter yet because I'm not even pregnant), but I had to respond to "I don't know why our Mothers affect us so much...even when we are nearly 30". I had that thought recently - I let my mom talk me out of trying cloth diapers before dd was born and I now fear talking to her about dd's sleeping because dd sleeps with us and mom does not approve. I guess I just want you to realize/remember that you're not alone and at least you have realized what the issue is. I'm interested in reading any advice anyone has for you. Good luck!

[sarajane]

My parents threw around alot of concern in the beginning but admited later they shouldn't of been so hard on us before knowing more about it. My mother did feel better after meeting my mid-wife. Has your mother met yours?

They had some misconceptions but were willing to admit that. At first my dad even said we were "being immature" by choosing a homebirth. I went off on them (sad to say) at that one....I luv my parents very much but I stopped being so nice about it and laid out all the facts and reasons right then and there. They knew I had done my homework after that. I mean, I had been reading about it for years before getting pregnant. I knew it would be best for the baby and for me and my husband.

Now the only opposition comes from hubby's dad. He is very mainstream in everything he does. Can't wait for him to find out we are cloth diapering! OH BOY, that will be a fun reaction.

He actually thought that the whole homebirth thing was all about money, thought we were doing it cuz we are poor or something...

We qualify for medicaid and a hospital birth would cost us nothing where as this homebirth we are having to pay for. Well, that laid that one to rest. But then.....we had him upset like we are putting my baby and me in danger.

Ah, just things it seems all homebirthers have to deal with. Hopefully someday homebirth will be the norm again! Wouldn't that be wonderful!!

[LoveChild421]

I'm glad you posted this because I'm going through the same thing- there is this part of me that says "f-off mom I don't care what you think- you're ignorant anyway" but there is this part of me that desperately longs for her to be there and be supportive.

To tell the truth, I am too scared of her to even tell her I'm having a homebirth- I brought the concept of homebirth up once and she basically took a "those crazy women endangering their kids" tone so I dropped it. We live in a state where homebirth is illegal and so that adds to it- I FEAR telling her because I fear she would call the cops while I'm in labor and have them come and get me and force me to the hospital or call the cops on my midwife or something- so I haven't said a word to her- I feel so deceptive, like when I was in high school and I had to lie and say I'm "going to the movies with the girls" to get out of the house to hang with my boyfriend.

It puts me in an awkward position- do I tell her and try for her acceptance (which I'm sure I won't get- she's just like your mom- no amount of stats, me spilling my feelings, etc will matter) or do I just keep my mouth shut? I am pretty sure the only thing for me to do is just not tell her- but I worry this is going to cause an energy block or something for me. I don't want any resentment or hostility around this birth- I just want to be able to bare my soul and say "mom this is who I am and what I want and will have" without her condemning me or threatening to take away my car (it's still in her name for insurance reasons) or threatening to call DFCS or the cops. I really wouldn't put these things past her.

I hate that our mothers have been so brainwashed by the medical community- my grandma even said "now Jen if your water breaks you get to that hospital ASAP- if Matt's stuck in traffic call the EMTs!" uhh..no Grandma this is birth not a heart attack!

I really wish our moms wouldn't be so selfish and just let us have our births the way we want them and accept the fact that all the research is on OUR side- that is how strong fear can be I guess- that it can make a mother not be supportive of her child at a time when she needs the most support.

I have cried and have had break downs many times over the support that I'm not getting- the only thing that ever helps me is to try and focus on the amazing support I am getting from my fiance- there are a lot of women out there who don't even have that- I guess I will try and focus on how amazing he is than how less than amazing my mom is about it because she will never change- even after I have a healthy baby at home she'll say: "it's just luck something could go wrong next time"

I hope some moms who have dealt with this will give us some advice on how to mourn the lack of support from our moms

[Paxetbonum]

My mother, a nurse from a highly medical backgroung was very worried and apprehensive about our homebirth too. I did send her a couple articles on the statistcal saftey of homebirth for healthy women. Sheila Kitzinger's book on Home birth had some good stats. After that she stopped bugging me but I could tell she was still nervous and didn't like it.

After the birth she flew out to stay with me and saw the midwives come for the pp checkups. She was totally blown away by their professionality and sensitivity and the amount of time they spent with me. Before she left she commented on what an amazing model of care they provide. Now I am on the home stretch preparing for our second homebirth and she hasn't voiced one concern the whole pregnancy and it totally cool with it.

Just sit tight. When you have your beautiful healthy baby at home she will realize that you are making the best decision for the health of both you and your baby.

If she still gives you greif after the birth than maybe there is a deeper issue she needs to emotionally adress at hand here.
Really healthy women birthing at home is a pretty easy thing to accept once people are educated properly on it and have some first hand experience. I now have single friends who think home birth is totally normal only because I am one of the few people they know having kids.

[georgia]

My mom is a RN, and while she had major fears about my first hb, she realized (thanks to a very long discussion) that as an adult, I was capable of making my own decisions. Even when she's not comfortable with my choices, they are exactly that---mine. I explained to her she'd raised a very smart woman who was educated and informed and responsible. Any fears she had were hers. I can't make her feel or believe in what I do. All I asked for was her respect and trust. Trust that I knew what was best for ME and MY family.

---It's hard

[Electra375]

BTDT -- know how you feel.

I just didn't tell my mother until she was talking about coming here before the birth of the baby to visit. Then I told her and I knew she wouldn't like it.

I just put it out of my mind and moved on. Easier said than done, but what else can you do -- not much.

[aguacates]

Does your mother live nearby? Would she be able to come to an appt with you, once you are comfortable with your midwife?

My mother comes from a research background (molecular biology) and she was pretty uneasy about my plans to hb. I gave her lots and lots of links to statistics and studies about the safety of homebirth, which didn't do all that much good. But when she finally arrived before the birth(we live quite a ways apart), I took her to a prenatal and she had an opportunity to grill my midwife on the things that had apparently been bothering her, things that she had not brought up to me, like how would she know if it was time to transport, issues with me going overdue and postmaturity syndrome in the baby, and what sort of care is actually provided. My midwives were very professional, answered all my mom's questions, had a chance to chat privately when I was peeing and checking my urine. It totally relieved her anxieties to have a reality based view of events, instead of the idea of her daughter having a baby off in the middle of nowhere without "medical professionals". And now, although I don't think she would ever personally consider hb for herself(if she were younger), I think she is able to understand and fully support my choices, and wouldn't even question a future homebirth.

[rachvj]

HI all,
I"ve been lurking on this board for some time, but now I"m having a similar experience with my famly.

I am right there with you. Both sides of our families are not supportive of our decision to homebirth baby #2. My DH told his parents the other night of our homebirth plans and they totally scared him off about doing this. My DH is now questioning as to why we are doing this, why not go to the hospital and have the baby because there is expert medical personnel available, what if an emergency comes up...etc. (And we live a 2 min. walk from an Emergency Room of a major hospital).

It's so stressful on me because I'm getting so little support from my family and DH about the upcoming birth. Yet, all of my friends are supportive and I know that the midwife, her assistant, and my doula are going to help create the positive atmosphere in the house during labor and birth.

I'm determined to have this HBAC. My DS was born by C-sec and I'm too traumatized from it to even think of having a hospital birth. We do have a back-up OB that is supportive of the HB. How do you all get your DH on board with the homebirth?

Rachel

Mommy to Yehudah 12/03 and #2 in 4/05.

[MsMoMpls]

Why do our mothers impact us so much? When you are born, you are completely and fully dependent on the acceptance and protection of the person who brought you into this world. That is why, even at 30 (or 40) having your mother disapprove is scary. Its a sign of your attachment and that is what all of this is about really. You just need to remind the little girl part of you, that this is your mother's love for you but you don't need her the same way you did as a child. You are loved but maybe your mother just isn't brave enough to be there for you now. She is only human... just like the rest of us.

[our veggie baby]

Thanks mamas...I am considering taking her along to an appointment with the midwife, but truthfully I am afraid she will grill thge midwife so bad that she won't even want to deliver lol...

I am considering it though, or at least giving my mom a detailed rundown of ALL the questions I plan on asking my midwife (first appt is monday) and maybe that will make her feel more secure.

I know inside it is coming from a place of love and of concern. I know she is traumatized still from her emergency c-section with my sister 31 years ago where they both almost died---a lot of that according to the story, was due to medical malpractice by today's standards...I wish my mom would see it like I do, instead of taking the position of they saved her kind of thing...

Oh well, I should just calm down because this is my mom's usual protocal on things she is afraid of...she was like this on the whole no vaxxing thing too, until I bombarded her with statistics and information and she has mellowed...so I am hoping she will come around---I think she is beginning to anyway, she told me the other day she had some old sheets she would wash for me to put on my bed over the plastic for the birth if I needed them....so that was a step in the right direction...thanks again mamas!

[PuppyFluffer]

Have you read Misconceptions? I read it to my dh when I was pregnant with our dd. It explained alot about the medical world and angered my dh a lot!

We decided on a birth center birth and we had no fears or worries about it at all prior to the event! Looking back, I wish we had chosen homebirth....it just went so smooth that we could have done it at home with no trouble at all.

Maybe your mom would read it and get a basic understanding of your concerns with hospital birth. It may serve as a basis to bring up your considering homebirth....break the idea in slowly...."considering" can turn into "we've decided to...." later.

goodluck!

[orangebird]

I guess it's too late then to do what I'm doing, I'm not even telling my mom I'm pregnant until after I have the baby. She knows I homebirth and she hates it. I know I'll just hear negativity for the rest of my pregnancy if I tell her so I'm not even telling her I'm pregnant!

I don't have much advice, I totally feel for you though. Don't let her come unless she is 100% on board, you don't need that vibe during labor.

My mom had us all naturally and was the only one at the time who breastfed and used cloth diapers yet she is always the first one to be negative about me having my babies at home naturally ( with all the complications I had with the first birth she can't believe I would stay home for the next ones- these complications were forced EFM and threatened my baby would die if I didn't get the epidural- she thinks since I had to have EFM and since I had an epidural and as a resulty of that I had to push for three hours I must be defective in some way and not able to birth naturally and with as much ease as she did, she won't admit it was the birthing culture and stupid nurses that had the defect), anyway, ms natural herself is the first to give me a hard time. Her and I have a bad relationship though, every time I talk to her it is all about how horrable I am or am doing in one way or another. I think I am doing quite fine, I have a house and great family and a great job and a wonderful DH who stays home with the kids, I think I am doing well. She just wants to tell me how much I suck. So yeah, she won't find out about this baby until I call her with it screaming in the background.

[ebethmom]

My mother was and still is vehemently anti-homebirth. She is a nurse who only trusts the medical establishment.

This is still a source of great disappointment for me. My mother missed one of the greatest experiences of my life. We called her after dd was born, and my Mom came to visit the next day. And never asked a single question about my labor or dd's birth. Dd is 7 months old, and my Mother leaves the room if the word homebirth is mentioned.

She firmly believes that she is right, I'm wrong, and our beautiful homebirth was just a fluke.

I have no words of wisdom. This issue brought up all the years of unresolved conflict, and I don't know how to heal the rift. I'm still really angry at my mother for leaving me when I needed her support.

[Belle]

Originally Posted by our veggie baby

Thanks mamas...I am considering taking her along to an appointment with the midwife, but truthfully I am afraid she will grill thge midwife so bad that she won't even want to deliver lol...

I am considering it though, or at least giving my mom a detailed rundown of ALL the questions I plan on asking my midwife (first appt is monday) and maybe that will make her feel more secure.

I wouldn't bring her to the first appointment anyway. Maybe let your mw know of your mom's concerns and prepare her for the meeting with your mom. I'm sure shes' used to calming scared relatives who have no experience with hb.

[mwherbs]

your mom is going to worry for you no matter what. I know that my mom was pretty upset when she knew we were having our first homebirth and my mom is a nervous worry kind a person- so she did things like really ask me more than once about safety... and the thing is that her mom had some kids at home and some in the hospital!!! the historic background on this was that when you weren't poor or ignorant anymore you had a doctor and a hospital.
you could try to talk to her about needing emotional support through the pregnancy and you would like to talk with her without this always being the point.

[kathma26]

Well mine don't know yet so I am not sure what they think. I know mom and I have talked about vaccines. I selective vaccinate and now that the media talks about it things are easier. I know with somethings I have come right out and said "Do you think I am purposly putting my children in danger?".

Kind of hard to debate with someone who is one sided.

I also read the post about dh talking to the relatives then wanting to go to the hospital. I would not go there to make someone else more comfortable. I know the baby is theirs, but no way! Especially if I had been sectioned in the past. I would be very resentful if things did happen that way.

Kathy

[Music-mommy]

Ok, so i have a mom who is very hard headed and stubborn. Luckily she was onboard with the homebirthing thing, but let me tell you when I got married, she was so against it. Just the word marriage made her jump out of her skin.
She made me so angry eventually that I had to tell her that I would not talk to her anymore if she was only going to spew negative stuff at me.

This is how I would handle it. I would tell her that I love her but if all she can talk about every time I see her is about this, then she obviously doesn't respect me one bit. I'd tell her that I need support not criticism and if she is incapable of that, then see ya in 9 months. Let her stew for awhile and she'll come around.

My mom was pro homebirth, but when I told her I was pregnant she gave me a diatribe about how to birth and how my midwife probably didn't know anything etc.... I had to take her to about 8 meetings with my mw before she realized that she really knew what she is talking about.

BUt definitely warn your mw before you bring your mom along so she can have her guard up and ready to defend homebirth.