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Where should we go? - Page 3

post #41 of 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red
Oh, Ladies. I have tears in my eyes. I know this probably isn't the right place for this, but I can't help myself.



The point of this wasn't for me to come out. It was to tell each of you that you're holding yourselves to a very high standard. That's a good thing. Except that you don't realize just HOW high a sstandard you are holding yourselves to, and you berate yourselves when you fail.
The point of this forum isn't to hold ourselves to an impossible standard or to never yell at our kids, but to come together and support each other while realizing that those of us who were parented violently have unique challenges in parenting our children gently. I do fall, I do slip, but I have to get back up again. Wheich is how this idea came about....I had an episode last week where I slipped miserably and talking to some other gals in chat realized that many of us have this unique issue.

I almost didn't have children at all. In fact, I had my tubes tied to make SURE I didn't have any because I felt I couldn't break the cycle of my parents. I was 30 before I realized I could. It does however take active participation every single day for me to change things.

I am so sorry for what you went through as a child and I hope you will feel free to talk to us if you need help yourself.
post #42 of 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by riotkrrn
Yeah, I'm wondering about that myself. I also agree that a private forum necessitates requirements, but I fear any sort of test that one must pass by having their "abuse cred" (for lack of a better term) reviewed and judged by someone else. I do look forward to the forum, though, and feel that its creation can't come soon enough.
Yes! This is a concern. I think it should be up to the individual to decide whether they'd benefit from this forum or not. There may be some mothers who were 'just spanked' as kids that are having a very difficult time with parenting their own children, and other mothers who were beaten but are coping quite well with parenting. Both mothers have something of value to offer, and we should give them both the opportunity to contribute/be supported.

I think an "Introduce Yourself" Thread might be helpful. We could ask that people post there first, maybe saying a bit about their family, what their challenges are, and what they hope to gain from this forum.... ?

Maybe we could work on a mission statement to post with guidelines, so the purpose of the forum is clearly understood.

May I be so bold as to attach an arbitrary number or two to the criteria question as a starting point, to get an idea of everyones comfort level? Okay, how does 100 posts or 3 months whichever is later sound? I have no idea how persistent trolls are, so I may be way off the mark, but I think it would be helpful for newer members who are possibly in urgent need to have access.

Im glad a few of you like Breaking the Chain.
post #43 of 273
Thread Starter 
I like "Breaking the Chains" as well- it certainly feels as if there is a chain around my neck sometimes.

I would hate to force someone to have share their story or feel like they have to have had a certain amount of abuse to be in the forum; on the other hand, for it to work, it has to be safe place, as "troll free" as possible- maybe use the same criteria as trading post?

What I am hoping for is a place where I can share some of the unique challenges of "parenting from a deficit," including my failures. I don't want to be judged, but I also don't want people to make excuses for me. I want people to help me move on. Maybe that could be another choice for a name- Moving On. When you grow up hearing that children of abusers grow up to abuse their own children, you get scared. You think it's inevitable. And you don't have the inner resources to know what is "normal". I really can't wait for this to get started. Having a daughter has opened so many old wounds.

Annette
post #44 of 273
Just jumping in to say that I'm taking suggestions for a forum title. I'll review them with Peggy for her to decide.
post #45 of 273
I wasn't suggesting that ppl have to share their whole story....just let us know what their situation is...so we can support and help and know where the struggles are....I don't know the TP rules, I will go check them out....and I know all aobut stuff you don't tell anyone else...Hugs Carrie!
post #46 of 273
This is a forum I'd be interested in joining. I would not join if I was required to give any background info on my upbringing or if I had to answer any questions. I usually will share that info when I feel comfortable doing so, but sometimes I just don't feel like rehashing old stuff and opening old wounds because I'm trying to move on.

I like the idea of it being private and IMO, I think a certain amount of posts or cetain amount of time as a member would be helpful to keep out trolls.

I'm so glad this will be happening. I've really been struggling w/ GD lately and I know my upbringing is factoring into all of it. Thank you Cynthia.
post #47 of 273
I feel that we should have a very strict requirement for the forum. Registered for at least a year and a minimum of 500 posts. Or someone with over 500 posts and less than a year registered could be considered based on participation and vice versa. I can see no other way to give us a feeling of the member being here sincerely and with some posting history to know the person a bit and feel comfortable to approve access.
post #48 of 273
I'm fine with that. I like that there would be some flexibity regarding number of posts/time a member. I've seen some people who've been here since 2001 with only 400 or so posts...
post #49 of 273
Thread Starter 
Cynthia, I think that sounds great. I would rather err on the side of being overly-cautious in the requirements than risk having a troll get it.
post #50 of 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie
Cynthia, I think that sounds great. I would rather err on the side of being overly-cautious in the requirements than risk having a troll get it.

I agree.
post #51 of 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie
Cynthia, I think that sounds great. I would rather err on the side of being overly-cautious in the requirements than risk having a troll get it.
me too
post #52 of 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthia Mosher
I feel that we should have a very strict requirement for the forum. Registered for at least a year and a minimum of 500 posts. Or someone with over 500 posts and less than a year registered could be considered based on participation and vice versa. I can see no other way to give us a feeling of the member being here sincerely and with some posting history to know the person a bit and feel comfortable to approve access.
I guess this sounds good. I'll just have to wait a few more months then, huh?
Oh well. Anything to keep it as non-trolled as possible is fine by me. The last thing us abused mothers need is some troll making our day worse...
post #53 of 273
Don't despair Kathryn! You can submit your request to join once we get it all set up. The moderators can approve you if they find your posting history to be sufficient to know you somewhat.
post #54 of 273
This would be such a great resource . . . and I have been really needing that lately. Every day is a new lesson in how the past just doesn't go away, and if you want to do the best for your kids, you have to face it and move forward. I am just continuously astounded by the new ways my upbringing can throw me for a loop now. A group of other mamas who have been/are there would be so comforting.

That said, I can't imagine ever getting to 500 posts!!!! I hope I would be allowed to benefit from and contribute to such a board!
post #55 of 273
Hi Kristin and welcome to MDC! Stick around, get involved in the discussions a bit more and you'll have a loadfull of posts in no time. And we'll be able to get to know you better.
post #56 of 273
Although I am at neither the 500 post or the year mark, I am VERY glad you are considering making the requirements so high. When I do get there I will feel safe joining in!
Glad this forum is going ahead! I love MDC!
post #57 of 273
I think the requirements sound appropriate, but it's also good to know that we can have a little bit of leniency, too
post #58 of 273
I'm kind of disappointed the requirements are so high. I feel I need the encouragement from other mom's who've been where I was and am now.... NOW. I don't have the time to be on MDC boosting my post count to 500+... I also don't know very many mom's on MDC because I don't have the time to get to know them. My daughter is difficult, and I very often lose my temper, and I feel worthless as a parent. I have no outside support from anyone (excluding my DH) and just tonight I screamed in my daughters face so loud.... I regret it obviously. And I have apologized and shed my tears (although I know more will come tonight as I go to bed)

I was hoping that it wouldn't be 500... I was hoping I'd be able to get some support soon. Not eventually, months from now when I have finally gotten to 500 posts.
post #59 of 273
lasius

I feel you. And I respect CM and Peggy's decision because of the specific nature of the private forum. Another forum requirement MUST be confidentiality. HAving a higher post count and year membership helps to insure that trolls will not enter in.

IN the meantime, I'd like to invite you to PM me if you feel you need to talk with someone about what you are struggling with.

I have a heart for those who are wrestling with its impact on their life, relationships, and mothering.

One thing I want to say is that I believe deeply that you are not worthless as a parent. Even in your worst moments, YOUR HEART is enough for her. Your going to her afterwards and acknowledging your offense and giving her a change to acknowledge that you scared and hurt her feelings, to be angry at you and then to know that you still love her...WILL speak volumes to her.

Some things I think about when I struggle with my past in the present of mothering is what am i feeling, what am i afraid of, what do i really want for my children, etc...... It depends on the situation but a lot of times thinking through the harder realities of my heart help me to keep myself from losing it and spilling all over my kids.

Anyway, I just was so moved by your honest heart and your post. I KNOW you are BEST for your daughter. I want you to be able to safely address some of those things. I hope you won't lose heart by these requirements but find comfort that CM and PEggy are committed to having it be a safe, honest, and nuturing place.

And in the meantime...PM me if you like. I'd love to talk with you about it some more. You are NOT alone, chica.

post #60 of 273
Ditto on what Hotmamcita said. I am willing to be a support through Email, IM, PM, whatever so that no one fall through the cracks until they reach the levels required for the forum. I hope that no one feels like they don't have a place to go. Feel free to PM those of us who have offered to talk with others in previous posts. I know what it is like to be where you are, because I am there too and we can all get through this, I believe, together. Hugs
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