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My baby died at my UC - Page 3

post #41 of 57
peace for you and yours mama.
post #42 of 57
Originally Posted by ishtarmaia
Thanks, jstar. Sometimes I wonder if I know what the word 'strong' means anymore. I have been told the one about how "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle" and I think that maybe He thinks I am stronger than I really am. But I guess I am handling it. I'm still here and I'm still taking care of my family and living and loving, so I must be pretty o.k., right? Maybe I am stronger than I think I am.
i think you're strong because you're on here sharing your story. it commemorates ronan and it helps people. inspires. educates. i think its easy to forget in the 'modern age' how fragile new life and birth are.

its ok to say some days that it was (is) too much to handle. it is bound to feel like that. if you're out of bed caring for your family you are doing more than ok. and if you need to stay in bed (or do whatever) to grieve you're also entitled to do that too. being strong is doing what you feel comes naturally i think.

take care
post #43 of 57
Jen, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story with us. It is so important to hear and talk about in the UC community. All your points are important and I agree. I'm not sure what else to say right now except that I appreciate your words so much, and thank you again.
post #44 of 57
Hugs to you and your family.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

love and blessings
post #45 of 57
Thread Starter 
Just wanted to post to say how healing it is for me to read that over 1,500 people have viewed this thread! I never imagined getting the support and heart-warming responses I have received, but I am so grateful for them! My intention was just to make sure that others were aware that the risks of UC are very real, not to get support, but again, it has been such a blessing and so healing to my soul. I don't know why I never expected it; it only seems logical since this is the Mothering site and all of our beautiful nurturing souls are on here sharing and learning and supporting each other.

I try to get on and check this thread at least once a day. I love to see the views # go up knowing that each one is another person who will be touched in some way by my story, even if they don't post anything. It's such a beautiful memorial to Ronan's memory to spread the story of his life and death and the meaning I have found in it to others. Sometimes reading the posts full of love, support and empathy just brings me to tears and I can smile thinking about all you lovely mamas out there holding me up with your thoughts. THANK YOU!!!

Tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since Ronan's death. It seems just yesterday and a lifetime ago at the same time. Life is moving on and I am starting to be directed down a different path for my future. I am opening myself and surrendering to the will of the universe(God); just trying to be receptive to all the subtle energies and catch the clues, IYKWIM. I believe that as long as I continue to learn from my experience and let it shape my future in a positive way, I will be doing exactly what Ronan wanted. He was a Divine messenger for me and I still feel his spirit surrounding me every day. I pray that he is watching and waiting for me to "get" everything so that I can move to a higher place in my life and maybe then he can come back to me. He has taught me through love and compassion to be a better person and a better mother and I know that is just the tip of the iceberg, really.

Much love to all of you and blessings on your paths,
post #46 of 57
I am so sorry.
post #47 of 57
Thank you for sharing your story and sweet Ronan with us. Peace be with you.
post #48 of 57
Jen, My heart goes out to you and your family. What devastation you must have felt after losing your baby. You are so strong to have come and posted your story. I know it had to have been so hard for you to accept, and the guilt must have been maddening.
I just wanted to post and tell you that I, myself, almost died right after being born at home. I had the cord around my neck twice, and they didn't know until my head came out. If we had been at a hospital, they would have noticed the monitors going haywire and given my mom a c-section. Then apparently there were problems with the midwife who was there...she insisted that everything was ok, and did her best to unwrap me and to help deliver me (she was really there only to "be there" and take pics and stuff, my parents did all the work). Well someone called 911 and I was rushed by ambulence to the hospital, and then was airlifted to a childrens hospital in Fresno (200 miles away). I spent a couple of weeks in the NICU, but came out just fine, with no lasting effects. My fate could have been the same as your little angel's, and was very close to being so. There were so many "ifs", my mom told me. She did say that she herself had a feeling something wasn't right, but my dad and the midwife told her I was just fine. With this being said, this is the exaxt reason why all women should listen to their intuition. Intuition is a gift that should be used as much as possible. I know that your little angel was brought into your life for that short time to teach you something....there are reasons for everything. The higher power works in strange ways. Knowing this, I will consider having UC when I have another child. Thank you for sharing your story.
post #49 of 57
Thank you for sharing your story. It's an important one to be told.

You said it perfectly when you spoke of the responsibility it takes to UC. No matter where you give birth you have to live with the outcome of the decisions that are made. When you UC you live with the results of your own decisions, which are easier to live with.

CLR was right on about listening to your own instincts! The mom is always right!
Again, thank you!
post #50 of 57
"When you UC you live with the results of your own decisions, which are easier to live with."

I wonder if you would elaborate on how this seems so to you?
post #51 of 57
Blue Violet... I was responding to OP when she said "I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one."

It seems that it is easier to live with decisions that you make for yourself rather than when someone else makes all the decisions for you.
post #52 of 57
Yep, I agree - it's a lot easier to forgive yourself, IMO, than to forgive a "professional" for doing something that you might feel made things worse or whatever. My DH carried around a HUGE hatred of hospital/ambulance staff for a good 8 years after our baby died, because of the things done to the baby that appeared to DH to have made things worse. He just kept it all bottled up inside, and had a real hard time letting that go & forgiving them for their protocol. For me, I knew I had done everything that I could, and that the medical teams had done all that they were supposed to do. But it definitely was easier to forgive myself than it was to forgive the harsh treatment at the hospital.
post #53 of 57
Originally Posted by ishtarmaia
I feel I need to post here for anyone that has misunderstood. I DO NOT in any way blame myself for Ronan's death. I say that I am living with my choice and that is true, but I am living peacefully with it because I feel it was the right choice, regardless of the outcome.You are right, hawkfeather, it is a risk of birth, but mamas that UC have to take ALL the responsibility for their births, so it much easier to be blamed, either by yourself or others, and we have to take that on when we choose to UC. I know that others have blamed me even when I have not blamed myself. I really am at peace with the will of the Universe. This is not to say I don't miss my baby; I cry and long to hold him and nurse him every day. But I don't wish it had never happened, because I believe it was meant to be and it has taught me so much. My life is now heading down a different path and my future is open so unexpectedly. I know there is a Divine plan that is greater than anything I could plan for myself and I am surrendered to it. Blessed be!

You're a very brave woman, and I admire you. I had my own partner tell me how angry he would be with me if I had my child at home unassisted and it died. I can't imagine how hard was to come to peace with yourself when there are others who blame you because they don't understand. Peace and love to you!
post #54 of 57
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I too read your story and thought that there was nothing different that could have been done anywhere else, attended by anyone else.

"it's a lot easier to forgive yourself, IMO, than to forgive a "professional" for doing something that you might feel made things worse or whatever."

I agree. I also feel that it's easier to be angry at yourself, and at your decisions (*not* that the OP made any bad decisions, but I sure did in labor), than to be angry at some other person who interfered. The other person will NEVER care as much as you, and will never hear you or hear all you are saying. Ultimately, when someone is angry at self, they will hear themselves and be more OK than trying and trying to explain your feelings to another person.

So again, decisions made 100% by ones self are easier to live with than decisions made for you.
post #55 of 57
Thank you for sharing your story with us. to you and your family.

post #56 of 57
I am one of the 1500 who has lurked on this thread. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story about your birth and your son Ronan. I am sending you energy mama...
post #57 of 57
Originally Posted by ishtarmaia

P.S. For anyone who is interested, my story is posted in the pregnancy and birth loss forum under the thread Honoring Our Babies and titled "In Memory of Ronan".

Love and light,
oh ishtar--my heart breaks for you and your loss and yet is encouraged by the beautiful honoring birth you gave Ronan.

i chose to birth my twins at home and my son, Soren, was a footling and came out blue and not breathing. there was a long 8 minutes where a lot went wrong and one midwife panicked greatly. in that time, i just kept asking God, "What are you going to do? Is he going to live?" I was calm, peaceful...not about whether he lived or not but about the reality that birth is out of our hands no matter where or when it occurs. I had had a dream, at about 30 weeks, that the second baby was born not breathing and then I woke up. I decided to homebirth anyway, to trust my instincts and GOd, (I have a relationship with Christ), that home is where I need to be regardless of the outcome. I do not think that is where all mamas need to be but it was a very personal one.

i want to UC my next and after reading your story i am moved and thoughtful. thank you for posting it. thank you for your courage. thank you for birthing, loving, and honoring Ronan. I believe he is somewhere so beautiful, so brilliant, that he is so free in dance....a place that all our souls LONG to be.

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